8
2002
Just think, Mom, I must have felt so confused about everyone's distress—yours, Dad’s, both Grandmas and my aunts. At three, I couldn't have understood the depth of so much pain dragging into endless weeks and months, and it's a sure bet that I didn’t want to add to anyone’s unhappiness in any way. If, during such a scary time, any of you smiled at me, I’ll bet I did back flips to make those moments repeat.
Psychology has determined that many personality traits are acquired during our formative years. That makes me a textbook example of a child who'd had reason to adopt character traits, resultant of a devastating experience. Common sense suggests that following Janet's death, my cues came from whatever had pleased those I’d loved, suggesting their needs rising higher than mine. Once my instincts had crossed wired, I had to please others in order to please myself, thus creating a shift in my focus away from self trust toward seeking affectionate proof of my worth. And from what I've observed about people, in general, cross wired instincts may prove more common than not …
Insights such as these make me ask:
Who are you, most often?
Are you a person driven, most often, by inner strengths or
Are you driven by anxiety, which proves subliminal in nature?
Subliminal fear is invasive in this way:
Each time subliminal fear filters into our thought processors
We fail to make good use of our brain to think so clearly as to
Brainstorm until solutions emerge that meet needs all around
As one can not please all of the people all of the time
A really good person may harbor anxiety of
Never being good enough, perfect enough for the mind to relax
A mind that can't relax in peace is hyper vigilant
Hyper vigilant minds race in circles, like gerbils in cages
The hyper vigilant nature of a guilt-ridden, subliminal anxiety has a name
The nick name of hyper vigilant anxiety is PTSD
One does not have to fight in a war to develop PTSD
One can be a child in fear of disappointing an
All-knowing, all-powerful god-like presence ... again
One does not 'get over' PTSD
One seeks to identify and understand 'it' by
'Working' through 'it', or
'It' gets worse as we age
The hyper vigilance of PTSD
Can feel like a cold that seems to develop into pneumonia, overnight ...
At some point in life, one may feel so consumed by fear of failure that
Inner tension causes the heart and mind to constrict, decreasing
The flow of oxygen to the brain, which goes into survival mode, suggesting
That the adrenal glands go into overdrive, causing
Our think tanks to flood with chemicals that produce emotional static until
We can't think clearly or breathe with ease
(Breathe Janet! Breathe!)
Then, one day, this self conceived prophecy comes true
Because no matter how hard you've worked to succeed ...
You don't
And thoughts of not pleasing here, there or anywhere make you feel like
Your spirit is sinking in quicksand up to your ears—
Once again ...
Anxious hypervigilance commonly increases with age—unless
Fate offers you reason to muster the courage to look in
Once that which had made you smile more spiritedly than ever before
Produces deeply conflicted frowns ... well ...
What's a hyperventilating brain to do other than turn away from
That which had once offered pure pleasure???
Thank goodness, fate offered my mind
Good reason to set out upon quest after quest!
As to why I chose to set out on personal quests when others
Take their baggage to bed and pull the covers over their heads?
Well, I did that, too. Twice.
And guess what I found, both times?
My angst did not go away
In fact, it got worse!
Fancy that!
As three strikes gets you a seat on the bench
I benched myself and began to quest in earnest for
Deeper truths, hiding behind my wall of denial
Another word for deeper truth is: Insight
(As in: The answers you seek are inside you)
If you'd like to know
Which insight this story (No! No! Not Again!)
Has yet to reveal ... well, my friends
Please stay tuned, because
That remains to be written ...
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