Recently, hindsight clarified the slice of my voice that got stuck spinning its wheels in a terrified frame of mind when I was three: As long as this fear remained in its unprocessed state, I could not identify my lost sense of self worth.
Once I feared being unworthy of love, I failed to develop the self confidence necessary to open my mouth and express my personal needs. And thus did a slice of my development remain frozen in time when I'd held myself responsible for doing 'something' that caused my entire support system to feel so unhappy when our baby disappeared as to have 'forgotten' about me. As one unresolved misunderstanding leads to many more, a child, who feels forgotten, feels worthless, abandoned, invisible unless she or he can turn each frown into a smile, which transforms a darkly shrouded subconscious fear into a sunny day at the beach. Like the movie, Ground Hog Day, you'll watch me grow up, repeating a string of self depreciating experiences until intuition prods my intelligence to clean out the messy corners of my subconscious where unresolved childhood fear remained hidden from my conscious mind until recently.
From the age of three, I'd unconsciously conceived of my needs as being inconsequential. What preschooler has the clarity to say: I believe myself unworthy of your love unless I'm meeting your needs, and we're smiling at each other. With time, that self depreciating belief felt so painful as to have been repressed into my subconscious, where self defeating beliefs stimulate inner conflict. Thus from the age of three, subconscious fear drove my conscious mind close to crazy whenever my needs did not match the needs of those I loved most—and thus have we pinpointed the main root of my life long struggle with inner conflict.
As struggling with inner conflict became my underlying pattern, I adopted this rule with no exceptions: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you, and that was all well and good except for one thing—I forgot this fact: We're each unique unto ourselves. Being unique suggests that that which I need to thrive may not appeal to another. For example: While I need to connect with deep thinkers many who love me believe me to be too deep for my own good. They don't get this fact: Each time intuition compels me to quest toward insight into that which makes me tick, I regain another slice of my innate self, which had been brainwashed out of my head. One of my best friends once gave me this piece of advice: Annie, just act normal. So I did—until I got bored. More than bored. I felt stuck, again.
*Now that intuition has offered me insight into 'different needs for different folk', I can work in earnest to liberate my whole mind to feed my personal needs in a self disciplined manner. Now I understand my need to ponder love and life just as did Thoreau, when he'd stroll round Walden Pond feeding his need to commune with the likes of our good friend, Socrates, whose spirit swoops down to earth in hopes of inviting every generation to seek insight into how best to be true to your whole self, sooner rather than later.
As it's come clear that wounded slices of self esteem, resultant of subconscious fear, fail to heal until fate offers intelligence reason to break through the defense system's wall of denial, I understand why yesteryear's anxiety continued to emerge, feeling as raw, today, as had been true when, I was a child of three. The fact that I'd riddled myself with guilt at having done 'something' so awful as to have lost the love and esteem of every adult who'd showered me with attention until Janet died, I fell from grace … or so I'd mistakenly thought. As that subterranean belief darkened my subconscious view of myself, I'd unknowingly felt undeservedly guilty of not 'measuring up' —not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not witty enough, not helpful enough to warrant being loved—for most of my life. Oy!
Though I'd no clue that the good health of my spirit depended upon enmeshment with my loved ones' smiles, thank goodness, intuition continued to guide me to quest toward amassing that string of insights, which has finally clarified the slice of my voice that had failed to develop until I chose to gain control over my life by directing myself to delve ever more mindfully into self discovery.
Just as it's vital to know our strengths and vulnerabilities, peace of mind depends upon dismantling layers of denial in order to confront emotion, numbed in a state of perpetual distress, over long.
If you ask: Annie, which slice of your voice felt stuck in your throat for most of your life? I'd respond: I'd failed to develop the slice of my voice that freed me to embrace my existential right to be true to my needs, wholeheartedly (not to be confused with selfishly). Even recently, it seemed prudent to deny the existence of my unmet needs rather than acknowledging the depth of my distress to myself. Then, my spirit sagged—a sure sign that my intelligence is rejecting a decision that anxiety caused me to make. Once anxiety had time to calm down, I came to see how dismissing my needs disrespects an essential slice of—me.
As today's insight connects with the string of insights, stored inside my brain, my think tank feels bright enough to lighten my spirit. And here's why that can be true for you, too: I truly believe that once your existential needs feel worthy of your respect, inner conflict will stop raining on your parade.
Though my sixth sense 'felt' today's train of thought chugging around inside me for about two years, the string of insights, which has been amassing, needed time to coalesce before today's enlightening epiphany liberated my mind from subconscious confusion, carried forward from childhood until today.
With this bird in hand, no one can ever con me into thinking myself too deep, ever again, because diving toward insight in hopes of balancing my needs with the needs of those I love is normal for me.
Thank goodness, intuition guided me to raise three children in such a whole/some manner as to coach each one to grow practiced at respectfully voicing their personal needs by the time they'd developed the expanded wing span necessary to fly free of the nest. (Stories to come).
Each time fate offers me reason to dive more deeply into self discovery, I come to see my need to track back before I can wholeheartedly embrace another existential strength.
As with my sons ...
I've sought insight into opening the window to my soul thus
Liberating my heartfelt needs to sing free of inner conflict ...
Knowing full well that with readiness
A bird flying free may choose to return—or not …
And that brings me to one last insight for today, which
Proves a hard pill to swallow:
I've come to accept this deeper truth as fact:
The only subconscious mindset I can change for the better is my own
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