14
2002
After musing for a while, Mom says, "Annie, you and Lauren were very good girls, and I don't know anyone who went for help during the 1950's unless problems were severe. We just can't know the degree of misery others stuff inside."
"Mom, I'm beginning to realize that we don't know the misery we stuff inside, ourselves...
When I was a young mother, FATE smiled in my direction by introducing me to a neighbor who introduced me to The Family Education Association (FEA). While reflecting back, it's clear to see why I'd attended those by-monthly meetings so eagerly. Why I devoured countless self help books, which coached me to choose my words carefully and listen, patiently, while encouraging my children to value themselves as unique individuals. As each of my kids felt respected and safe while opening up to me, anxiety did not run interference with clarity when they'd expressed their needs to me. They'd felt safe with me, because our discussions withheld blame, and as each one grew up feeling free to express exactly what they'd felt without fear of being shamed, their brains were able to listen to and absorb insights, which deepened their understanding of life's complexities, which, seeing myself as their most important 'teacher', I'd patiently conveyed. (Stories to come)
I know that, Annie. I've learned so much while watching you raise the boys.
Whenever the boys expressed emotion freely, I'd acknowledge their feelings, so they'd felt heard, valued, connected. Upon feeling emotionally connected (not to be confused with enmeshed), we'd engage in discussions that expanded their perspectives, little by little. Then, we'd solve problems by considering creative solution-seeking techniques, which I'd read and absorbed, until eventually, the creative center of my brain conjured up simple plans that considered personal needs, all around.
Little by little, I'd worked with each child to strengthen self confidence until all three had mustered the courage to stand up for themselves and go toe to toe with whatever problem arose, whether at home or in school. (Stories later) As each child experienced success, far more often than not, their minds opened easily to absorbing many of the same solution-seeking techniques that I'd acquired while attending FEA workshops.
(I had no clue that while eagerly amassing a self help library, I'd unknowingly re-raised myself.)
Upon recognizing the fact that we all start out as 'problem solving beginners', I told the boys to consider our plans as experiments, meaning we'd be attentive to our need to improve a plan that did not succeed. In that way, we'd eventually experience success, and over time, a communal sense of mutual respect developed throughout our family. As one quick example of mutual respect, I gave my sons permission to calmly suggest that I take a time out when my emotional responses got over heated. It's amazing how fast I'd cool down each time one of my kids chose the role of self disciplined 'adult'.
As years passed and my thirsty mind soaked in knowledge, intuition inspired me to create an emotional environment in which we'd openly seek each other's help. And in a step by step fashion, our family grew accustomed to offering help in that we'd gather round the kitchen table, and while munching on veggies and dip, we'd engage in family meetings where we'd put our heads together and pass a talking stick; thus when problems were discussed, we grew accustomed to brainstorming cooperatively, which allowed us to iron out conflicts before wrinkles transformed into permanent pleats. In short, we learned to embrace the concept of 'all for one and one for all' at meetings designed to imprint cooperative attitudes and solution-seeking techniques into everyone's mind.
(As Mom continues to express interest in my train of thought, my think tank chugs on …)
While absorbing and teaching respectful methods of assertive communications over most of my adult life, I’ve become aware of this fact: The learning process never ends. Whether we know it or not, each of us gropes to understand identity issues that emerge at every stage of life. Unfortunately ... *we can't see into the depths of our issues unless we seek help, because our defense systems are programmed to run interference with clarity ...and that's especially true when anxiety grabs control of our minds.
"That's really confusing, Annie."
You bet it is, Mom. In fact, there's nothing more puzzling than pinpointing our own contradictions, which fog up the mental processing centers of the most intelligent brains. *We have no clue how often we give ourselves and each other mixed messages … and mixed messages, born of inner conflict, make life really messy.
Wait, Annie. Stop. Give me an example of a mixed message ...
(I really need an editor! Please note that complex thoughts in yesterday's post were simplified)
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