As a child, anxiety silenced my voice whenever subconscious worry over being selfish offered clearance to others to run the show—unless a boy tried to touch me. Then, rather than asserting my needs (or fears) by opening my mouth, tension placed a choke hold on my mind and throat, leaving me only one alternative: physically pushing guys to whom I'd felt attracted away. As my subconscious still keeps secrets from me, my conscious mind struggles with confusion as to why I felt so self protective as to have pushed Joseph away so forcefully as to cause him to believe himself wholly rejected when in truth, I'd loved this twelve year old boy, who shows up in my dreams, from time to time. Though the answer to that mystery is seeping from my subconscious into my conscious mind, one detail at a time, the mental fuzziness, clouding my sense of clarity, puzzles my intelligence to this very day.
As a maturing adult, that choke hold on my memory continued to block the self-assertive portion of my voice from expressing itself aloud, suggesting my self depreciating pattern of offering others clearance to do whatever worked for them— unless—the deciding factor included my kids welfare. Upon reflecting back over my life, insight into clarity suggests that my voice felt utterly free to protect my loved ones' needs over considering my own.
This suggests that for most of my life my spirit felt free to make sound use of my voice to lead others toward change for the better, fearlessly. However, each time intuition prodded me to choose the path less taken for myself, I'd soldier forward with mask in place while shaking in my boots …
That insight doth not make me cowardly
After all, it takes a spirited sense of courage to
Transition from a place of anxious retreat toward
Taking action in hopes of
Experiencing an end that results in expressions of joy
Actually, deeper truth suggests that
Each time intuition coaxes me to
Take a leap of faith over subconscious fear of failure
My ability to muster courage is born of
Self confidence at my core
On the other hand, wisdom suggests exposing
Subconscious fear left over from childhood, thus
Cleansing my mind of undeserved guilt that's
Continued to place a choke hold on
My existential need to be true to myself, through and through
And here's why today's train of thought rings true:
Being selfless is not all it's cracked up to be
In fact that hard boiled egg
Scrambled my brain
For most of my life
When I feel anxious, over long, today
I calm my mind by retreating peaceable from
Any hint of conflict in hopes of
Freeing the little bird in my creative center to
Sing her joyful song, concerning balance in all things
Once my sense of balance calms anxiety
A simple plan, with potential to ease complexity
Clarifies within the creative center of my mind
And as simplicity offers change for the better
I muster the courage to sing my song aloud
Annie, thank goodness today's train of thought has
Pulled into the station much more quickly than recent posts…
Please know full well that
I wholeheartedly agree!
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