1078 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 21

15C
2002

*At this point, Mom and I muse, quietly, again:  It seems that once the mask, which develops to shield our vulnerabilities from exposure during childhood, becomes an unconscious habit that slips on and off as needed, we often have no clue as to when our defense systems authorize the persona to control the thought processing center of our brains, suggesting that subconscious unrest does not allow us to make good use of our whole brain to solution-seek objectively, therefore—effectively …

 As soon as conflict invades peace of mind, subconscious power struggles filter into our decision-making process, suggesting on-going tension to be the primary reason why two intelligent adults can't find their way out of a paper bag in time to save their relationship from falling apart.  Knowing on going tension to be a deal breaker, common sense suggests two heads are better than one if both engage in brainstorming toward devising a simple plan, which makes so much sense, that both spirits smile while embracing each other more freely than ever before.

Too few parents grow mindful of how often tension stimulates negative attitudes and self defeating reactions, which are role modeled for little pitchers with round eyes and big ears.  Children are called little pitchers, because eventually, what goes into the ear is stored in the mind before pouring out of the mouth.  Just as healthy habits shape up, over time, the same is true of defensive habits, which our minds unknowingly adopt during childhood.  As all habits are hard to break and as children unwittingly mimic their role models' narrow mindsets, self defeating attitudes pass from one generation to the next unless self discovery offers insight into bigger pictures.  After pondering upon positive and negative attitudes, mindsets and reactions that I'd unwittingly absorbed from my mom, my dad, and my Grandma Ella, I engage with Mom, again, while reminiscing aloud:

 As a young mother, I'd no clue why intuition compelled me to read countless books in order to apply theories, concerning positive focus and insight into scientific knowledge, into our daily lives in hopes of strengthening my children's self esteem—but now I do—I'd needed to strengthen myself!  At that time, FATE dealt me a winning hand when my neighbor introduced me to The Family Education Association.  While attending meetings, twice monthly, I was made aware of the writings of Rudolph Dreikurs (CHILDREN THE CHALLENGE).  While absorbing countless insights, leaping off page after page of Dr. Driekurs' brilliant book, my mindsets expanded, catalyzing my attitudes to switch tracks, and as my enthusiastic approach to tackling life's challenges felt re-energized by hope, my spirit was off and running toward gulping down insights into simplifying complexity until, one day, a plan, which met needs, all around, popped out of my mind, and when the creative nature of that plan proved successful, simple solution-seeking plans began popping out of my creative center as readily as kernels of popcorn go pop pop pop!

At this, I chuckle and Mom laughs.

Though picturing pop corn popping out of my head is funny in a corny way, I'm serious about imparting this scientifically proven fact:  *When the brain is driven by a negatively focused mindset, tension shuts creative thinking down.

2014

 As I experienced one mind bending success after another, my self-help library continued to grow, and unbeknownst to me, my ability to assert my needs during conflict began to develop, one infinitesimal step at a time.  Since I had no clue as to when LIFE would offer my spirit an unforeseen experience that stimulated my need to engage in another long range state of transition, which would tax and stretch an old comfort zone out of shape, my head would ache, my heart would pound and tension, made up of huge lumps of anxiety, caused all of my muscles to constrict, most especially in my throat, causing my voice to choke up.  Why?  Well, first of all, runaway tension interferes with clarity.  And no matter how often intuition compelled my cautious side to confront a conflict, head on, my spirit had to muster the courage to respect my existential needs before the fight, flight, freeze instinct locked down my intelligence.  (If you know me really well, you've seen me work to honor my needs as naturally as I honor the needs of others to this very day.)

Having recently gained insight into classic growth patterns, I taught myself to take a time out until clarity,  free of confusion, tension and anxiety, balances emotion with logic.  In this way, my whole brain makes good use of my voice to express deeper truth, aloud.  *From time to time, you'll watch my existential need to experience personal growth cause my spirit to retreat until anxiety calms down.  In this way, I offer my mindset and comfort zone a peaceful place in which to relax and think deep while my spirit and intelligence muster the courage to embrace each next leap of faith.

If you ask:  Annie, how do you know which mindset is in need of expanding, next, I'll reply:  *Experience offers me reason to reconsider a decision that caused my spirit to feel like a bird, which had swallowed it's joyful song, upon being caged.  Each time one of my family stories offers you the opportunity to witness a hopeful sense of positive focus actively wrestling an old mindset to the mat, your insight into growing pains leading toward inner peace may deepen—as did mine.  And if my rhetoric frustrates you, because you want to shout:  So get on with those stories, already!  I'd reply:  Patience, my friends, all in good time.  If we run through my stories before your mind feels ready to open to absorb the expansive nature of change-for-the-better then my mission in writing this blog will have been in vain.  Just as emotion and logic must balance, so must rhetoric and storytelling.  How do I know that to be true?  I didn't until intuition compelled me to clarify that thought, first for myself and then for you.

*While swinging with Mom in 2002, I'd not yet identified my affinity for personal growth, so I'd failed to recognize the frequency with which growing pains and anxiety interconnect.  While reviewing this story, it seems like Mom may have seriously considered everything I'd said, because each time I'd reply to a question she'd ask, we'd both swing quietly, musing privately, repeatedly…

For example, while swinging quietly, lost in private thoughts, I'd mulled over decades of mindful transition, wondering at all those times when the honeyed tones of my tongue seemed to drink in more lemons than sugar.  The fact that I was stymied suggests my being unable to read my listeners minds deeply enough to know which wounded part of their psyches had remained unhealed.  Thank goodness, eventually, every insight I'd so eagerly read and absorbed crystallized and coalesced, thus encouraging my spirit to achieve continuing success at home with my sons by coming up with simple plans that blend both sides of life into lemonade, again and again.  Then, being a natural born teacher, I'd pass my home brew around to every ear that proved as thirsty for change for the better as did mine.  And that's still true, today.  (BTW, my astrological sign is that of the teacher.)

(A cautionary note:  As today's train of thought goes on and on, you might want to takes breaks now and then, rather than trying to absorb this string of insights, at once.)

It's important to note that during times of transition, one person's growing pains may dispose of peace of mind—on both sides, because tension tends to be contagious.  Unfortunately, in the absence of clarity, transition toward change for the better may stretch out over too many years.  *In 2002, I'd not yet read this fact:  When one person works to develop communication skills while another does not, the gulf between the two widens, causing their relationship to tear apart.  It's always what we don't know—yet—that sets hurdles in the way of soul mates, who long to achieve heartfelt goals, which prove to be long range for both.

*Today, I believe my subconscious—where intuitive creativity hangs out—senses which growth spurt will tax my comfort zone, next—first emotionally, then creatively.  It's often said that psychologists and psychiatrists are people in need of understanding themselves, and that makes sense.  On the other hand, who proves so omnipotent as to believe oneself not in need of answers to mind boggling questions concerning anxiety, tension, life and love?  Though I'm a teacher, not a trained mental health care professional, I believe my traumatized state of inner conflict catalyzed my sixth sense to leap onto the bandwagon of  family communications once my children looked to me for leadership based in mental clarity.

Each time you watch me stand up on my soap box, please do not mistakenly see me as tooting my horn.  Instead, observe the natural born teacher in me paying homage to the wisdom of countless authors whose thoughts inspire me to expand my perceptions while I continue to grow into whomever I prove to be—today—knowing that, tomorrow, unforeseen change, catalyzing confusion and conflict, may compel me to experience growing pains, yet again.  Why?  Because change proves to be the only constant in life and love—and though we already know that to be deeper truth, repetition is not redundant when our mutual goal is effective conflict resolution.  Interestingly, youth experiences symtoms of forgetfulness just as do those who have aged like fine wine.

Though assertive statements began to pop out of my mouth, decades ago, my nervous system continued to flood with anxiety each time I’d felt compelled to question a decision that might not satisfy another person’s needs.  Why did I flood with anxiety?  For this reason:  *Each time I’d chosen to voice my needs, I’d felt guilty of being selfish.  So no matter which side I'd choose, retreat or speak up, I’d lose.  Today, it’s plain to see that my mind felt squeezed between a rock and a hard place ever since I was three.  Why?  *By stuffing my problems at such a young age, I'd not learned to respect my needs as much as I'd needed to serve the needs of others.  In short:  "My need to serve others had stuffed my basic needs behind a defensive wall before I'd known they'd existed, at all.  As to removing defensive masks, well—how doth one discard a mask that we've no clue is numbing emotional reactions that prove natural to one and all?  Again, it's what we don't yet know—about ourselves and the complex functions of our brains—that trip us up.

2002

After swinging in tandem, Mom breaks the silence with, “Well, you haven't scratched in years, Annie.  In fact, I don’t remember your scratching when you and Will separated.”

*By the time Will and I'd separated my whole mind was filled with fear, suggesting no brain space left in which to deny the depth of my despair.  When defensive walls crash, masks disappear in the rubble.  Once my unhappiness was out in the open—meaning that my inner life and outer life matched—the subterranean nature of my itch disappeared.  You know what ‘they’ say:  People don’t change until we hurt enough to hit bottom.  Well, Mom, I want to know myself so well that I don't hit bottom, ever again.

Picture an egg dropping to the floor; imagine its shell cracking, shattering, laying in pieces while every fragile vulnerability, 'protected' inside, lays raw and exposed—a sticky mess in need of cleaning up.  When it comes to confronting conflict, some spew raw emotion around in a scrambled fashion while others puddle up like a soft boiled eggs; then there's a third group that's become too hard boiled to peel away protective shells they have no clue have layered up, over time.  My main reason for writing this trilogy about our family (which, over time, will have transitioned into this blog) is to offer an intimate view of that which caused my relationship with Will to slide straight into a black hole, where, upon hitting bottom, we cracked apart.  It's my hope that by airing our misperceptions, misunderstandings, and mistakes—all of which combined to form mixed-messaged madness on both sides—other couples may be influenced to analyze anxious mindsets, which prove classic in nature, before they close their eyes to deeper truth and drive off the edge of a cliff, unnecessarily…”

"Aren't you uncomfortable, airing 'dirty laundry' in public, Annie?"

What dirty laundry, Mom?  I attribute much of my teaching success to the honesty of airing my mistakes, based in fear of guilt, in every class I lead.  Each time I muster the courage to open up honestly about confusion many who listen feel safe enough to open up and look inside, as well.  As history tends to repeat itself, I hope the same longing for clarity may be true for those who choose to read my trilogy of books.  Here's my plan:  I see my story as a trilogy for this reason:  First, I'll appear as an inexperienced child.  Then, as an inexperienced young wife and mother.  Finally, I'll develop into a woman 'of a certain age', who collects swarms of insights in a jar.  As these insights are freed, a few at a time, my stories will showcase an adult, who learns to brighten her think tank by consciously identifying mixed messages, thus working through inner conflicts which mess with the well organized nature of her mind.  When confusion remains unresolved on both sides, our heads start to ache—suggesting inner conflict is a huge head ache.  Head aches interfere with clarity.  As clarity continues to simplify confusion, self confidence strengthens, thus stopping subconscious anxiety from stimulating the survival instinct to fight, flee or freeze.  *As we gain insight into calming anxious mindsets by working to deepen our connection to simplicity, daily life reaps a greater sense of inner peace.  As inner peace is gained our heads ache less.  Less headaches, less heart aches—especially during times of unforeseen change when inner conflict, causing comfort zones to stretch, create growing pains—again.  (I Please note that in 2002, I've not yet gained insight into this fact: When my comfort zone feels anxiously stretched out of shape, I freeze in place to think deep.)

"Annie, how in the world do you plan to express all of this in your stories?"

"Good question, Mom.  Hopefully each story will evolve, intuitively, just like my articles did.  Word by word.  Sentence by sentence.  One story leading into the next.  Upon sitting down to pen an article, a general idea of what I want to say shapes up inside my head.  Same thing while relating a story.  Then, during the writing process, I'm surprised when trains of thought tunnel ever more deeply into my mind, and the same is true during the editing process, when insight lights up, sparking my think tank to simplify thoughts which had originally seemed exceptionally complex.  As tunneling reveals insights, here and there, my stories identify mixed messaged confusion to which I'd been blind. When confusion remains unresolved on both sides, both heads ache as one.  Inner conflict is a huge head ache.  And head aches interfere with heartfelt clarity.    Sometimes stories shorten … however, here's why that's rare:  As classic insights swarm around in that jar, clamoring for release, dark spots light up inside my mind, non-stop.  As a writer's stream of consciousness may be likened to a runaway train of thought, we need editors.  You know, as in division of labor.  In retrospect, I write the same way I live my life—intuitively, expansively, hopefully ...