17
2002
“I learn so much during therapy. Each session feels like a lesson in love or life. Then I go out into the world feeling as though my brain has plugged into a greater sense of clarity where confusion had been before. For example, one day, I was surprised to learn this fact, which, if you stop to think about it, really makes sense: *When one person in a relationship acquires communication skills, most especially listening skills, and the other does not, their relationship actually worsens. How ironic is that! In hopes of connecting more meaningfully with Will, I'd soaked in one tool after another without any clue that our communication gap was widening. (More about that later) Will and I had also been blind to similarities in our youth, which drew us together before those same similarities caused us to drift apart. *On the surface we'd seemed so different from each other, which is why similarities in terms of his 'fatal flaw' and mine went unseen until we'd both dug in really deep.
2002
“I learn so much during therapy. Each session feels like a lesson in love or life. Then I go out into the world feeling as though my brain has plugged into a greater sense of clarity where confusion had been before. For example, one day, I was surprised to learn this fact, which, if you stop to think about it, really makes sense: *When one person in a relationship acquires communication skills, most especially listening skills, and the other does not, their relationship actually worsens. How ironic is that! In hopes of connecting more meaningfully with Will, I'd soaked in one tool after another without any clue that our communication gap was widening. (More about that later) Will and I had also been blind to similarities in our youth, which drew us together before those same similarities caused us to drift apart. *On the surface we'd seemed so different from each other, which is why similarities in terms of his 'fatal flaw' and mine went unseen until we'd both dug in really deep.
It seems that when considering traits, acquired experientially, we don’t dive far enough into our youth. Therapy is so expensive that it's not unusual to give up on peeling layers of defensiveness away before the main root of a problem is identified. I hope my stories inspire couples to look in deeply rather than rushing into divorce court. So, what do you think about all of this, Mom?"
While our minds swing, back and forth through time, my mother, replies, “Who knows anything about anything for certain, Annie? And what do I know about psychology? Every question and answer we've discussed sounds plausible to me. In fact, I remember one doctor telling me that I could raise a spoiled child with clear skin, or I could raise you to be very responsible and watch you scratch—so your theory about emotional irritation and the intensity of your eczema matches his. Back in the 1940’s, talking to young children about death was unheard of, and since you’d begun to scratch before Janet died, I don't understand why you're asking so many questions about that time in our lives, now.”
“Well, Mom, if 'everything is connected’—and if eczema is physiological and emotional in nature—and if trauma catalyzes emotional shifts, which prove difficult to detect when a compliant child smiles and rarely says no, then it's easy to see why I still captain a cheer squad wherever I go. Baggage is easily identified when children ‘act out’ in negative ways. As the opposite was true of me, something prods me to dig in deep if I hope to keep learning about—me. Once, while Katie and I had retreated to the cabin, she was typing one of the stories I'd recorded. In the middle of listening to the tape, she stopped to ask if I scratched because I'd itched to get out of my skin. I remember responding: 'Wow—that’s a perfect description of what I’d felt!' Needless to say, Katie's insight found its way into that story. As I look back at 'scratching and smiling' it's easy to see how long I've lived in denial of emotional irritation lumbering around deep inside—and living in denial is pretty common, Mom. In fact, denial is one of human nature's most popular subconscious defense mechanisms in that the conscious mind feels relieved of distress when inner conflict becomes unbearable. As denial transfers stress to the subconscious, the conscious portion of the mind is numbed to the problem, which, in truth, remains unresolved. Subconscious 'baggage' is stress trapped raw deep inside our minds. If denial persists, we carry that stress wherever we go with no clue as to how often subterranean anxiety exacerbates problems, which arise, down the road. I was so distressed when Will and I separated that my spirit depressed.”
“Well, Annie, if you’ve learned to speak up and problem solve rather than smiling, scratching and denying the depth of your stress then why is looking in so important to you, now?”
2014 Though my answer to Mom's question proved insightful, my conscious mind did not yet have a clue as to which part of my voice remained choked behind subconscious anxiety, when I replied:
2014 Though my answer to Mom's question proved insightful, my conscious mind did not yet have a clue as to which part of my voice remained choked behind subconscious anxiety, when I replied:
"The more I learn about whatever causes me to bend over backward to help people in need, the less blind I'll be to self defeating patterns that drive the people-pleaser-in-me to ignore my needs. By looking in, I hope to understand subtleties in my patterns that block me from achieving certain heartfelt goals, which prove realistic and therefore attainable.”
“Annie, most people would never make that connection.”
“Maybe that's because adults tend to think we've learned all there is to know—about ourselves. That expression—self-defeating pattern—is another way to say: fatal flaw. As denial blinds us to self defeating patterns, I'll bet Shakespeare would concur with this statement: We can’t identify 'fatal flaws’ to which we're blind without seeking help. Unfortunately, people commonly deny needing help at times when humility, seeking astute guidance, is what we need to garner, most of all. It's denial that makes interventions necessary. Since I hope to live a long, healthy, well balanced life, I choose to examine experiences, which may have caused my fatal flaws to develop. The more I learn about the complex workings of my brain, the more baggage, in terms of self defeating patterns, I unpack and unload. In addition to self discovery, I've come to understand why writing is considered cathartic. During the writing process, I feel so safe that my defenses come down, allowing both sides of my brain work as one. Once my brain works as a whole, 'forgotten' memories or surprising insights filter from my subconscious into my conscious mind. At times, I'll watch insight into a ‘fatal flaw’ appear on my computer screen one word at a time, and I'll sit there, staring in amazement at a self defeating pattern to which my conscious mind had been blind. Or I'll have stirred an emotion that's still raw at my core. Identifying subconscious patterns feels like those times when we drive past an empty lot on the corner of a busy intersection, day after day, until, one day, we're aware of a building that's almost complete, and we hear ourselves say: 'Wow! Where did that come from? That must have gone up, overnight!' Just as we move through life unaware of changes that take place before our eyes, we're often unaware of changes in attitudes taking place deep within our minds.”
“Most people don’t take time to think about life as deeply as you do, Annie.”
“I've had lots of serious surgeries, Mom. Most people don't spend so much time recuperating in bed, pouring through the kinds of books I feel drawn to read. Perhaps as compensation for being unable to exercize my body, I grew deeply reflective while exercising my brain. For many years, people in my classes have implored me to write a book. Now that the boys are grown, I have the time and energy to tackle that challenge. Having shared stories, ladened with insights, while speaking before thousands of people, I hope to write in such a way as to encourage countless minds to grow attentive to the ‘little voice’ inside which guides us to balance emotion with logic thus inspiring our processors to listen to personal needs more respectfully and compassionately than ever before. People's attitudes tend to be so black and white that they forget to tap into the creative center of our brains, which opens our minds to make better use of our grey matter."
"What do you expect people to find by diving in deep?"
I hope people will discover secrets they keep from themselves. Memories too painful to remember. Emotions, which had felt so painful as to have been self protectively numbed and repressed. Mixed messages, negative attitudes and self depreciating assumptions that mess with our minds's connection to clarity. If I communicate much of what I find inside then, hopefully, countless people will feel so safe in my presence as to connect openly with fears of abandonment or failure, both of which prove classic, timeless and universal. Think about it, Mom, What if fatal flaws are born of subconscious fear in the aftermath of a crushing childhood experience, which had felt so confounding and belittling that knots of anxiety hardened into emotional stones. What if passing subconscious emotional stones causes as much constricting pain inside our hearts and minds as passing kidney stones? What if this primal fear of rejection drowns out the ‘little voice’, longing for intimate connection? What if deep down inside each cheerleader’s heart there lurks the fear that Miss Popularity or Captain Jock is really all alone? How sad is it when a child, who feels lonely and confused, grows into a charismatic adult who has no clue why he or she feels lonely for 'something' or 'someone', deep inside? As a family communication instructor I’ve always felt compelled to share every shred of information that helps me to communicate more openly with myself. I feel the need to coax others to consider how often attitudes, adopted during childhood, determine success or failure while we're working to achieve personal and professional goals, today. I want to show people how to make better use of their intelligence by sitting their defense systems in time out chairs and muzzling their egos in order to embrace humility necessary to expand the narrow boundaries of their limited perceptions. And none of that can happen until we look in and muster the courage to venture beyond our comfort zones.”
"What do you expect people to find by diving in deep?"
I hope people will discover secrets they keep from themselves. Memories too painful to remember. Emotions, which had felt so painful as to have been self protectively numbed and repressed. Mixed messages, negative attitudes and self depreciating assumptions that mess with our minds's connection to clarity. If I communicate much of what I find inside then, hopefully, countless people will feel so safe in my presence as to connect openly with fears of abandonment or failure, both of which prove classic, timeless and universal. Think about it, Mom, What if fatal flaws are born of subconscious fear in the aftermath of a crushing childhood experience, which had felt so confounding and belittling that knots of anxiety hardened into emotional stones. What if passing subconscious emotional stones causes as much constricting pain inside our hearts and minds as passing kidney stones? What if this primal fear of rejection drowns out the ‘little voice’, longing for intimate connection? What if deep down inside each cheerleader’s heart there lurks the fear that Miss Popularity or Captain Jock is really all alone? How sad is it when a child, who feels lonely and confused, grows into a charismatic adult who has no clue why he or she feels lonely for 'something' or 'someone', deep inside? As a family communication instructor I’ve always felt compelled to share every shred of information that helps me to communicate more openly with myself. I feel the need to coax others to consider how often attitudes, adopted during childhood, determine success or failure while we're working to achieve personal and professional goals, today. I want to show people how to make better use of their intelligence by sitting their defense systems in time out chairs and muzzling their egos in order to embrace humility necessary to expand the narrow boundaries of their limited perceptions. And none of that can happen until we look in and muster the courage to venture beyond our comfort zones.”
“What? Annie—I have no idea what you're talking about!” When I laugh, Mom smiles and continues with, “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me. Right?”
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