11
2002
Just as my friendship with Dad had deepened when I was small and felt insignificant and lonely, my relationship with Mom evolved into a close friendship based in intimacy—meaning that we'd developed a mutually respectful sense of trust, which offered us safe passage to discuss our deepest thoughts, greatest pleasures, fervent hopes and conscious fears—once I became a mother, myself. Thus did we sit, peaceably, side by side, reminiscing over yesteryear, as the soothing sway of the swing cradled us for quite a while:
2002
Just as my friendship with Dad had deepened when I was small and felt insignificant and lonely, my relationship with Mom evolved into a close friendship based in intimacy—meaning that we'd developed a mutually respectful sense of trust, which offered us safe passage to discuss our deepest thoughts, greatest pleasures, fervent hopes and conscious fears—once I became a mother, myself. Thus did we sit, peaceably, side by side, reminiscing over yesteryear, as the soothing sway of the swing cradled us for quite a while:
We're a family of strong willed women, Mom. *Strong wills find creative ways to express basic needs unless fear redirects instinct to switch tracks. You know, like the fear that caused Grandma Ella to stop trying to control Dad.
After Mom nods in agreement, I reflect over how often I'd listened to Mom tell people that as a child, I'd rarely said no. As that's highly unusual behavior for a small child, I hear myself thinking aloud: I keep picturing myself in that movie, Mom, where I take on a fighting stance, hands on hips, head swiveling angrily from side to side while my motor mouth gives ‘what for’ right back to Uncle Jerry after he’d scolded me for 'something'. SiNce I didn't shirk away from openly confronting an authority figure—even an alpha-male—like Uncle Jerry—I can't help but wonder what caused such an assertive trait to change …
After Mom nods in agreement, I reflect over how often I'd listened to Mom tell people that as a child, I'd rarely said no. As that's highly unusual behavior for a small child, I hear myself thinking aloud: I keep picturing myself in that movie, Mom, where I take on a fighting stance, hands on hips, head swiveling angrily from side to side while my motor mouth gives ‘what for’ right back to Uncle Jerry after he’d scolded me for 'something'. SiNce I didn't shirk away from openly confronting an authority figure—even an alpha-male—like Uncle Jerry—I can't help but wonder what caused such an assertive trait to change …
2014
At that point in time, my quest into self discovery was in its infancy, suggesting there was only so much that my comfort zone allowed me to share openly with Mom. Therefore, these next thoughts flowed silently through my mind:
I imagine myself at not-quite-three, a sweet, blue eyed, dark haired, out spoken, little girl who’d basked in the center spotlight of everyone's attention—most especially Grandpa Yacob's when he'd stride into our apartment and scoop me out of my crib, because he—who’d displayed little affection—had so openly adored me. Then, Grandpa dies, and the spotlight dims till Janet is born, and though the spotlight switches back to high, it shifts, naturally, toward her. Several weeks later, Janet dies, the spotlight goes black, and all I know is that Grandpa and Janet were here until they mysteriously disappeared. At the age of three, my undeveloped mind could not piece together any bigger picture that did not center its spotlight on me. (These next insights had not yet occurred to me while reflecting in 2002: In the aftermath of Janet's death, I developed a subliminal sense of guilt in that I'd unknowingly held myself accountable for everyone's frown from that time on … most especially any frown that seemed to direct itself at me. As the opposite of a frown is a smile, I'd assuage my 'guilt' for causing so much unhappiness by being as good as good can be, and thus, at the age of three, self assertiveness represses as a world class pleaser is born. Though the traits of young children are classically in need of rebalancing, my smile proved to be a silver lining in this way: My smiles were as real then as they are now, so people, sensing sincerity, smiled back, and though I'd felt shy inside, people were drawn to my instinct to welcome connection, suggesting my capacity for making friends easily. In 2002 I'd no clue that my smile had served this dual purpose: The same smile that shielded my insecurity welcomed people into my heart. Truthfully, that insight is brand new.)
2002
2002
As my thoughts wander ever more deeply into
Yesteryear's dark confusing maze, where I am just beginning to
Gather (but not fit) pieces of my puzzle together
These moments of companionable silence
Offered my mother’s ears a rest
Even so, silence does not stop wheels from spinning within both minds
Though I can’t share Mom's private thoughts with you
We can imagine this next string of insights, lining up inside my head:
Yesteryear's dark confusing maze, where I am just beginning to
Gather (but not fit) pieces of my puzzle together
These moments of companionable silence
Offered my mother’s ears a rest
Even so, silence does not stop wheels from spinning within both minds
Though I can’t share Mom's private thoughts with you
We can imagine this next string of insights, lining up inside my head:
We can imagine everyone's sense of security cast into
The fires of Hell without so much as a warning—
Twice within a matter of weeks
The fires of Hell without so much as a warning—
Twice within a matter of weeks
We can imagine the sunny smiles of an extended family
Nose-diving into a confounding, extensive, expansive period of grief
We can imagine clarity shattering, like a mirror when
Nose-diving into a confounding, extensive, expansive period of grief
We can imagine clarity shattering, like a mirror when
My Grandpa and baby sister disappear without a trace, causing
My entire support system to unawarely role model—
Terror, shock and inconsolable anguish as
Solidarity shreds once
The fickle finger of fault-finding unexpectedly flings blame
Imagine fury blazing back and forth during the day until
Dad arrives home from work
Imagine the human spirit's despairing sense of disillusionment
Sinking into a depression as dark as the blind leading the blind ...
What happened, Jack? Where is she? Why did this happen to us?My entire support system to unawarely role model—
Terror, shock and inconsolable anguish as
Solidarity shreds once
The fickle finger of fault-finding unexpectedly flings blame
Imagine fury blazing back and forth during the day until
Dad arrives home from work
Imagine the human spirit's despairing sense of disillusionment
Sinking into a depression as dark as the blind leading the blind ...
What did we do wrong?
Imagine the dizzying whip of
So many sudden emotional swings within a matter of weeks:
The unexpected death of a beloved husband and father
Followed by confounding sensations of shock and grief followed by
The birth of a child, which offers heartfelt relief, followed by
The unexpected death of that child, electrifying sensations of
Shock, grief, fear, blame, undeserved guilt
Emotional agony morphing into
Torrents of tears and despairing depression—while
Little monkey face is listening, watching and absorbing
Everything big monkeys question, feel, say and do as
Mental torment cycles, round and round…
Imagine mental confusion creating
Anxious contradictions during
A crucial stage of this child's development
The unexpected death of a beloved husband and father
Followed by confounding sensations of shock and grief followed by
The birth of a child, which offers heartfelt relief, followed by
The unexpected death of that child, electrifying sensations of
Shock, grief, fear, blame, undeserved guilt
Emotional agony morphing into
Torrents of tears and despairing depression—while
Little monkey face is listening, watching and absorbing
Everything big monkeys question, feel, say and do as
Mental torment cycles, round and round…
Imagine mental confusion creating
Anxious contradictions during
A crucial stage of this child's development
Imagine a strong spirited, well-loved, sweet, little girl, whose
Strong willed mind unwittingly switches tracks as she
Stretches to any length so great is her need to
Banish this all pervasive anguish that
She cannot understand or abide
Imagine this anxious little girl ‘ACTING’
Too cooperative, too compliant
Too good to be true-to-herself, so great is her
Acquired need to resuscitate loved one’s smiles, which
Her darkened sense of self will never take for granted, again
Strong willed mind unwittingly switches tracks as she
Stretches to any length so great is her need to
Banish this all pervasive anguish that
She cannot understand or abide
Imagine this anxious little girl ‘ACTING’
Too cooperative, too compliant
Too good to be true-to-herself, so great is her
Acquired need to resuscitate loved one’s smiles, which
Her darkened sense of self will never take for granted, again
2014
Imagine a child's sense of emotional security drowning in swirls of
Subconscious fear whenever a frown appears, thus
Arousing anxiety—as in Uh-oh!
Did I do something to create this frown followed by
This subliminally acquired reaction:
What should I do to win a smile, right now???
2002
Imagine a mind filled with shoulds silencing
This child's connection to personal needs ...
Imagine fear of failure squeezing every drop of emotional security dry.
Imagine fear causing personal needs to slide down a chute, as though
A whole family is tied together in a toboggan that's
Plunging into a bottomless, black hole
Once a deluge of grief has darkened every spirit, around
Imagine self-defeating patterns—such as undeserved guilt—
Imprinting too deeply into the malability of a vulnerable young mind …
Imprinting too deeply into the malability of a vulnerable young mind …
Imagine this child repressing anxiety and anger inside that
Dark well, which is guarded by smiles from that time on ...
Imagine growing up with coiled anger, numbed up, itching for release
Imagine displeasure morphing into that infernal itch, which
Drives this child close to crazy at night
Imagine a sensitive preschooler growing into a child, who
Works to reap the rewards of
So much success during the day that her smiles are real
Dark well, which is guarded by smiles from that time on ...
Imagine growing up with coiled anger, numbed up, itching for release
Imagine displeasure morphing into that infernal itch, which
Drives this child close to crazy at night
Imagine a sensitive preschooler growing into a child, who
Works to reap the rewards of
So much success during the day that her smiles are real
Imagine smiles, sparkling with sincerity
Vying for space with that angst-ridden itch ...
Imagine this child's think tank developing
Channels of thought so complex that she grows to be
A bright, smiling, straight as an arrow
No-bending-rules pre-teen, who
*Devulges her problems to no one—not even herself
*Imagine an attitude of safety first quenchingVying for space with that angst-ridden itch ...
Imagine this child's think tank developing
Channels of thought so complex that she grows to be
A bright, smiling, straight as an arrow
No-bending-rules pre-teen, who
*Devulges her problems to no one—not even herself
A high spirited teen's thirst to adventure into the unknown
*Imagine a teen, walking eggshells, fearing that, at any time
A series of blind-siding blows may derail her life, thus
Deflating her high flying spirit as fast as
A well-aimed swatter flattens a fly … again ...
2014
A series of blind-siding blows may derail her life, thus
Deflating her high flying spirit as fast as
A well-aimed swatter flattens a fly … again ...
2014
*Imagine subliminal fear waiting for the other shoe to drop ...
*Imagine hyper vigilance and a lifetime of inner conflict developing ...
*Tis each adult's responsibility to clarify personal complexities
*Tis each adult's responsibility to choose reality over denial
*Tis each adult's responsibility to know when to maintain control and
When to allow pure joy to soar high in the sky
But don't take my word for it. Take the word of the sage:
Imagine this good, little girl developing into a teen, who
Grows to be a woman, whose mind is magnetized by solution-seeking data ...
Grows to be a woman, whose mind is magnetized by solution-seeking data ...
Imagine an adult mind questing toward methodical thought processes, which
Sort through layers of mental confusion until insight into
Puzzling details fit logically together, and as
Bigger pictures clarify in 3D
This woman, who proves well practiced at brain storming, comes up with
Problem-solving plans, offering conflict resolution, all around …
Sort through layers of mental confusion until insight into
Puzzling details fit logically together, and as
Bigger pictures clarify in 3D
This woman, who proves well practiced at brain storming, comes up with
Problem-solving plans, offering conflict resolution, all around …
Imagine this dark haired woman (whose blue eyes tend
To swing freely from gaiety to soulful introspection)
Gazing up into the expanse of
A clear blue sky on a balmy, spring day, while the
Southwestern desert surrounding her home bursts gloriously into full bloom
To swing freely from gaiety to soulful introspection)
Gazing up into the expanse of
A clear blue sky on a balmy, spring day, while the
Southwestern desert surrounding her home bursts gloriously into full bloom
Imagine this woman working consciously to develop
A kaleidoscope of inner strengths as staunch as those acquired by
Desert foliage: deep red Bottle Brush, golden Palo Verde
Richly green Romulus palms—fronds swaying sensuously with the breeze
A kaleidoscope of inner strengths as staunch as those acquired by
Desert foliage: deep red Bottle Brush, golden Palo Verde
Richly green Romulus palms—fronds swaying sensuously with the breeze
A riot of orange/purple/gold Lantana
Hot pink Oleander, raspberry Bougainvillea, as well as
The lovely, short-lived, lilac hued blooms, which
Covering the Jacaranda, serve as a reminder that
Euphoria exists in short bursts, while the silent ringing of yellow bells
Swinging gracefully on the branches of the Thevitia tree, suggest that
The delicacy of life is too precious to allow
Hot pink Oleander, raspberry Bougainvillea, as well as
The lovely, short-lived, lilac hued blooms, which
Covering the Jacaranda, serve as a reminder that
Euphoria exists in short bursts, while the silent ringing of yellow bells
Swinging gracefully on the branches of the Thevitia tree, suggest that
The delicacy of life is too precious to allow
Subliminal anxiety to deny personal needs, over long, resulting in
The woman's spirit deflating, unnecessarily, so here's how I see it, today:
*Tis each adult's responsibility to dive into his and her mindThe woman's spirit deflating, unnecessarily, so here's how I see it, today:
*Tis each adult's responsibility to clarify personal complexities
*Tis each adult's responsibility to choose reality over denial
*Tis each adult's responsibility to know when to maintain control and
When to allow pure joy to soar high in the sky
But don't take my word for it. Take the word of the sage:
KNOW THYSELF
Being a guy, Socrates said all of that in two words ...
Being a woman, I'll make use of ten:
Balance in all things suggests identifying decisions dismissing your needs
Perhaps if Socrates had used more words he'd not have been poisoned:
KNOW BOTH SIDES OF THYSELF
Being a woman, I'll make use of ten:
Balance in all things suggests identifying decisions dismissing your needs
Perhaps if Socrates had used more words he'd not have been poisoned:
KNOW BOTH SIDES OF THYSELF
*For adults, emotional safety depends upon gaining insight into
Anxious vulnerabilities in need of reconsideration
For children, safety depends upon well balanced adults
Each person's sense of balance is not adopted or acquired
Each person's sense of balance is consciously constructed by
Identifying personal needs dismissed by unresolved fear
Imagine asking yourself these questions:
*Can one ‘be true to oneself’ when one has not yet developed
Anxious vulnerabilities in need of reconsideration
For children, safety depends upon well balanced adults
Each person's sense of balance is not adopted or acquired
Each person's sense of balance is consciously constructed by
Identifying personal needs dismissed by unresolved fear
Imagine asking yourself these questions:
*Can one ‘be true to oneself’ when one has not yet developed
A clear view of vulnerabilities,which remain hidden behind defensive walls?
*What may result if childhood fear, causing mental clarity to short circuit
Results in the submergence of basic needs?
*What if the conscious mind knows how to make balanced decisions
But does not yet feel free to make decisions, which honor personal needs?
Seriously, what if your mind is channeled to feel peaceful—only while
Meeting the needs of loved ones?
If that proves true of you as it did of me then
How often is inner conflict likely to invade peace of mind?
*What if you know that frowns are not ice picks, but
Your mind is channeled in such a way that
The frowns of loved ones feel like ice picks, all the same?
What if the only decisions that feel peaceful are those
That cause smiles to flash in your direction?
What results when the after shock, resultant of childhood trauma, carves
Channels of fear into the mind of a child?
What if this channel of fear has cut into a slice of your voice
Like slicing into and removing one piece of pie?
What if a child's voice, which no longer rocks boats at home
Retains the role of ringleader with peers in school—until the age of eleven—
At which time this out-going, self assured (?) pre-teen
Moves from the big, bustling city to
Her beloved Dad’s dream house in the suburbs, where once again
Fate rings her bell—and as she is still green and consciously unsuspecting of
Life's sudden twists and turns—this child runs eagerly outside with
Her sense of adventure intact and
Her vulnerability fully exposed to find herself
Slugged into a mental stupor—again—
Not once, but twice—
What, I ask, may happen to additional slices of her voice?
What if much of what this child feels about herself slips into
Such a darkened daze of confusion that during her waking hours
The maze inside her mind swallows the depth of her angst, whole?
Where might this child—hide from
Truths too painful to bare to herself?
Too painful to share in hopes of seeking help?
*What may result if childhood fear, causing mental clarity to short circuit
Results in the submergence of basic needs?
*What if the conscious mind knows how to make balanced decisions
But does not yet feel free to make decisions, which honor personal needs?
Seriously, what if your mind is channeled to feel peaceful—only while
Meeting the needs of loved ones?
If that proves true of you as it did of me then
How often is inner conflict likely to invade peace of mind?
*What if you know that frowns are not ice picks, but
Your mind is channeled in such a way that
The frowns of loved ones feel like ice picks, all the same?
What if the only decisions that feel peaceful are those
That cause smiles to flash in your direction?
What results when the after shock, resultant of childhood trauma, carves
Channels of fear into the mind of a child?
What if this channel of fear has cut into a slice of your voice
Like slicing into and removing one piece of pie?
What if a child's voice, which no longer rocks boats at home
Retains the role of ringleader with peers in school—until the age of eleven—
At which time this out-going, self assured (?) pre-teen
Moves from the big, bustling city to
Her beloved Dad’s dream house in the suburbs, where once again
Fate rings her bell—and as she is still green and consciously unsuspecting of
Life's sudden twists and turns—this child runs eagerly outside with
Her sense of adventure intact and
Her vulnerability fully exposed to find herself
Slugged into a mental stupor—again—
Not once, but twice—
What, I ask, may happen to additional slices of her voice?
What if much of what this child feels about herself slips into
Such a darkened daze of confusion that during her waking hours
The maze inside her mind swallows the depth of her angst, whole?
Where might this child—hide from
Truths too painful to bare to herself?
Too painful to share in hopes of seeking help?
Perhaps she'll grow up seeking refuge from
Undiagnosed PTSD in the library, where she sought
Books that focused primarily on character development until—
One day, this insight flew out of her mind:
OMG! when Socrates said Know Thyself
The sage was speaking to me!
Undiagnosed PTSD in the library, where she sought
Books that focused primarily on character development until—
One day, this insight flew out of her mind:
OMG! when Socrates said Know Thyself
The sage was speaking to me!
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