1083 (19/20),NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 26

19/20

How sad it feels when a child, who grows to be an intelligent, out going adult with many friends—hears a 'little voice', from time to time, whispering of loneliness, deep inside …  What if that 'little voice' is intuition suggesting:  Your self confidence feels as slippery as an eel, which tends to slide out of a defensive hole in your head that's in need of repair.  What if that 'little voice of loneliness' pipes up whenever this intelligent adult feels unsupported or misjudged?  Might this person's sense of success be founded in perfectionistic tendencies?  Might this person's fatal flaw bend toward self depreciation?  *It's important to note that we, who have a hard time mustering the humility necessary to accept our own vulnerabilities, tend to drive ourselves too hard. In short, our spirits feel weighed down when all of our expectations reach for the sky.

As a family communication’s instructor who eagerly shares every shred of information, which empowers me to lead a well balanced life, with my classes, here's a quick synopsis of how I work to achieve personal and professional goals, which remain beyond my reach:  First, I muzzle my ego, which drives me so hard that I fail to see simple plans, providing change for the better, staring me in the face.  Upon muzzling my ego, my intelligence feels free to direct my defense system to sit in a time out chair.  Once I've placed my ego and defense system in time out, no wounded part of my self esteem will upstage the creative center of my brain, suggesting that my intelligence is free to take center stage.  And each time my intelligence maintains control over my whole brain, insight into a simple plan, based in considering needs all around, emerges from within my depths, and conflict resolution takes place in earnest.  And now to refresh your memory—we'd just left my mother swinging next to me, exclaiming:

2002

“Annie, I have no idea what you're talking about!” Then, Mom smiles and says,  “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me.  Right?”  So okay, here goes:

When someone opens up with a perception of me that seems harsh, judgemental and painful to hear, I muster the courage to listen with an open ear.  Why?  Because I've been training my mind not to bristle, hang my head in shame, or feel insulted as soon as someone's perception points out a habit, vulnerability or pattern to which I may have been blind.

I figure it this way:  *Perhaps this person's view of me has had reason to grow more expansive than my own.  Upon empowering myself with an attitude as open-minded as that, my intelligence listens so calmly as to ask questions rather than snapping back angrily before withdrawing like a turtle pouting silently in my shell ... Pouting is not to be confused with retreating to a peaceful place to think deep.  In other words: *I work consciously to groom my ability to chew on food-for-thought with a growing sense of objectivity—on the spot.

*Each time I consciously sit my ego in a time out chair, my intelligence feels free to consider constructive criticism as an opportunity to recognize a personal vulnerability of which I'm unaware.  Once that vulnerability is known, I can transform it into a strength.  Sometimes I’m shocked to learn that a strength, which I’d considered my own, is still half-baked. Needless to say, that does not feel good.  *Experiencing humiliation is akin to accepting 'growing pains'.  Knowing that to be true, I consciously call forth humility to tame humiliation, and upon calming my natural reaction, my whole brain becomes available to absorb words of wisdom more deeply than ever before …"

"How in the world do you do all of that while you're angry, Annie?"

"The same way I'd instinctively slam on the brakes when a head-on collision seems probable.  *I work to develop this habit of slamming on the brakes by sensing my emotional reaction before it bursts into flames, burning away all sense of orderly thought and logical solution seeking ability inside my brain.
*I consciously draw a line of control inside my head—as in—Pull back on the reins—hold the horses—here comes the burn, so close your mouth, Annie, until you've calmed down your brain waves, so you can think clearly, again.  *Just as we tell children to take a 'time out' to calm down; I've trained my brain to take an emergency 'time out' on the spot.  Though practice doesn't make perfect, I grow more consistent, year by year.  At first I trained my brain to role model emotional composure for my kids.  With time, practice and consistency, I honed that personal strength to channel my brain's natural sense of defensive reactiveness to react in an emotionally mature fashion.

If, after listening to a negative perception directed at me, I feel the need to reflect more deeply over that which has been said, the conversation can be tabled and revisited at a later date.  If, after spending time in quiet reflection, details emerge from my memory, which disprove the other person's perception of me, clarity allows me to explain that which may have been missed, forgotten, revised or dismissed.  Once clarity is mine, I can convey positively focused motives, words or actions, which had been misperceived.  On the other hand, if my self evaluation proves in need of objective review, I apologize and upon taking home another lesson in humility, my think tank, holding hands with my heart, pledges to do better, next time.  Either way, there's something to be gained each time my black or white attitude expands to consider another person's point of view.  Thus, each time I tame anxiety or anger in order to listen calmly, there's nothing to lose, everything to gain.

*There’s so much we don’t know about ourselves or each other, Mom. Generally, our minds assume that the little we’ve heard or seen is all we need to know.  *Our brains are preprogrammed to make snap judgments based in separating that which feels right from that which feels wrong.  *It's easy to forget that in certain situations, that which feels wrong and that which is wrong may not be interchangeable.   Once, when Brad (one of many cousins) flew in and stayed with us for several days, he shared this insight, which really makes sense:

‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’

By consciously calling forth self control, maintaining my dignity and asking questions, clarity is mine more often than not."

"Controlling emotion is not easy to do, Annie."

"I know that, Mom.  That's why ... *I need a muzzle, reins, and a line of control while training myself to respond in the same self disciplined manner that we want our children to do.  *By maintaining an inner sense of calmness while collecting my thoughts, I can cut the tension in the room in half. *Less emotional tension increases my hold on clarity and maturity.  *When clarity and self controlled, emotional maturity connect, my self confidence remains intact—especially when I'm in the hot seat and my perception is found to be wrong.  *When proved wrong, I consciously maintain a firm hold on humility; in this way I can be gentle with myself before my self esteem feels engulfed within the flames of humiliation where self flagellation burns self confidence to a crisp.

I also keep this insight in mind, which Cary, once, offered up during therapy:

*Generally speaking, conversations between two people are continuations of their last conversation, because emotion has no sense of time.  That's why impassioned emotion, suppressed, still feels the need for release ...

PS ... For the sake of simplicity, please don't worry about new names popping up.  These 'characters' will flesh out in stories down the road, so you'll get to know them, one by one ...