22 A
2002
Though Mom is not accustomed to engaging in conversations, concerning emotion, repressed subconsciously beyond conscious awareness, she shows interest in listening to that which I choose to learn about our defense systems. So when she asks me to explain what I mean by 'sitting on my ego', we swing for a bit until my mind offers up this reply:
2002
Though Mom is not accustomed to engaging in conversations, concerning emotion, repressed subconsciously beyond conscious awareness, she shows interest in listening to that which I choose to learn about our defense systems. So when she asks me to explain what I mean by 'sitting on my ego', we swing for a bit until my mind offers up this reply:
*"When someone lets me know that he or she thinks badly of me for 'this or that', I make good use of my Line of Control, which my imagination conjured up to caution me to sit my ego in time out, so I can listen up and think smart rather than allowing anxiety or anger to rise in defense of my character. Once my mind feels calm, my whole brain is available to resolve conflicts by focusing solely on the problem at hand. Rather than feeling 'put down', I clear my mind of defensive reactions by mustering the humility to question whether the other person has made an astute observation to which I've been blind. If, upon quick reflection, I still feel misperceived, my calm response suggests how quick we are to judge the little that can be seen on the surface. Then, instead of making the other guy squirm, I offer details that straighten out misperceptions on the spot. By summoning objectivity to cut another person's negatively focused assessment some slack, I make good use of communication skills in this way: My calm response directs our attention to the problem at hand. Once both minds are attentive to problem-solving, tension is cut in half, suggesting that we can ask questions and offer additional details, which serve to expand the misperceived view of the person I prove to be. Less tension, more logical thought, concentrating energy on conflict resolution, all around. Each time I focus my energy on solution seeking, which proves positive in nature, I maintain the presence of mind to employ communication skills, which empower my brain to transform energy, directed at me, from negative to neutral. For example: First, I control my emotional reaction by sitting my ego in time out. This stops my adrenal glands from flooding my brain with adrenalin that shuts down my thought processor, freeing basic instinct to fight, flee or freeze. By consciously focusing my energy on solving rather than dueling, my listening skills sharpen, automatically. As long as I maintain emotional control over my egocentric reactions, conflict resolution moves forward with attention to effectiveness.
If, as the future unfolds, this person's attitude demonstrates a need to misperceive my words, actions, motives and traits, repeatedly, then my mind shifts toward wondering why he or she needs to see me in a negative light. In short, *I look to see whether this person feels so insecure in my presence as to look for ways to put me down in hopes of leveling the playing field."
If, as the future unfolds, this person's attitude demonstrates a need to misperceive my words, actions, motives and traits, repeatedly, then my mind shifts toward wondering why he or she needs to see me in a negative light. In short, *I look to see whether this person feels so insecure in my presence as to look for ways to put me down in hopes of leveling the playing field."
"So, does ‘sitting on your ego’ stop you from getting mad?”
“Well, let's say I've learned to maintain my composure by taming my anger or fear—I mean, it's natural for my ego to feel irritated when misperception gets in my face, again and again. If I could actually banish my anger, all together, then it wouldn't be necessary to call upon my line of control to sit on my impassioned reactions. With practice, I've programmed my brain to calm anxiety in the heat of the moment before my adrenal glands pump so much adrenalin into my blood stream that I can't direct my processor to think deep enough, fast enough, to save my life.
With practice and patience, I've gained the self-discipline necessary to monitor my emotional reactions so as not to fling a put down at someone who's just flung one at me. *Instead of engaging in power struggles, I make sound use of my brain by placing my defense system in time out, thus controlling my natural instinct to fight, freeze or flee."
"I've seen you lose it, Annie."
*"Of course, Mom. Holding natural instincts in check is not easy. And practice doesn't make perfect. If too much is going on, all at once, and if my energy source feels exhausted while balancing piles of stress that just won't quit, I may not be able to maintain the mental clarity that stops my ego from gaining control over my brain as a whole. Just as with anything that's over used without relief, my Line of Control wears thin, from time to time. Thank goodness, juggling that degree of mental pressure proves rare. *For the most part, my Line of (self) Control has been conditioned to bench my reaction, calm my need to roar with frustration, and rest my mind until all of me—including my spirit—feels ready to reflect so deeply that insight emerges, naturally, again and again. Once my energy source feels rejuvenated, my spirit fuels my mind with a natural surge of hopefulness, which inspires insight into change-for-the-better to remember 'the answers are inside us'—and each time we balance emotion with logic, an insightful plan, concerning conflict resolution, emerges—as though all on its own. While the boys were growing up, I came to see how readily a long-standing conflict resolves once insight into a simple, heartfelt plan pops out of my well rested, positively focused mind. As each plan concentrates on change for the better, my perspective brightens, and everything endured, previously, proves worth the effort (think: no pain no gain). I mean, how often do we hear: Get a good night's sleep. Or: Sleep on it. I've come to understand that while my conscious mind is resting, my subconscious (which knows me more deeply than I know myself) is percolating away.”
"How many people think to do all of that, Annie?"
"Good question, Mom—the fact that adopting a self disciplined approach to conflict resolution is not one of our natural instincts fuels my passion for passing The Line of Control forward to those who choose to expand their mindsets in hopes of bettering their lives. As to my 'losing it'—I've learned to accept this deeper truth: Practice does not make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. With that thought in mind, I work to enjoy my life by consciously loosening up on my need to be perfect. That said, I still expect much more from myself than from anyone who hasn't worked to develop this habit of training the mind to remain so calm as to consider the validity of both sides in the heat of conflict. At times when inner conflict feels exceptionally complex, I may reflect in time out for quite a while before a string of insights simplifies my state of confusion. Once clarity is mine, intuition coaxes me to muster the courage to reopen the discussion for review. Though conflict causes people to take sides, I see conflict as reason to brainstorm, together, suggesting that two open minds learn from each other.
With practice and patience, I've gained the self-discipline necessary to monitor my emotional reactions so as not to fling a put down at someone who's just flung one at me. *Instead of engaging in power struggles, I make sound use of my brain by placing my defense system in time out, thus controlling my natural instinct to fight, freeze or flee."
"I've seen you lose it, Annie."
*"Of course, Mom. Holding natural instincts in check is not easy. And practice doesn't make perfect. If too much is going on, all at once, and if my energy source feels exhausted while balancing piles of stress that just won't quit, I may not be able to maintain the mental clarity that stops my ego from gaining control over my brain as a whole. Just as with anything that's over used without relief, my Line of Control wears thin, from time to time. Thank goodness, juggling that degree of mental pressure proves rare. *For the most part, my Line of (self) Control has been conditioned to bench my reaction, calm my need to roar with frustration, and rest my mind until all of me—including my spirit—feels ready to reflect so deeply that insight emerges, naturally, again and again. Once my energy source feels rejuvenated, my spirit fuels my mind with a natural surge of hopefulness, which inspires insight into change-for-the-better to remember 'the answers are inside us'—and each time we balance emotion with logic, an insightful plan, concerning conflict resolution, emerges—as though all on its own. While the boys were growing up, I came to see how readily a long-standing conflict resolves once insight into a simple, heartfelt plan pops out of my well rested, positively focused mind. As each plan concentrates on change for the better, my perspective brightens, and everything endured, previously, proves worth the effort (think: no pain no gain). I mean, how often do we hear: Get a good night's sleep. Or: Sleep on it. I've come to understand that while my conscious mind is resting, my subconscious (which knows me more deeply than I know myself) is percolating away.”
"How many people think to do all of that, Annie?"
"Good question, Mom—the fact that adopting a self disciplined approach to conflict resolution is not one of our natural instincts fuels my passion for passing The Line of Control forward to those who choose to expand their mindsets in hopes of bettering their lives. As to my 'losing it'—I've learned to accept this deeper truth: Practice does not make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. With that thought in mind, I work to enjoy my life by consciously loosening up on my need to be perfect. That said, I still expect much more from myself than from anyone who hasn't worked to develop this habit of training the mind to remain so calm as to consider the validity of both sides in the heat of conflict. At times when inner conflict feels exceptionally complex, I may reflect in time out for quite a while before a string of insights simplifies my state of confusion. Once clarity is mine, intuition coaxes me to muster the courage to reopen the discussion for review. Though conflict causes people to take sides, I see conflict as reason to brainstorm, together, suggesting that two open minds learn from each other.
“Do you think that people, who search for answers deep inside, choose friends who aren’t afraid to be honest with themselves, as well?”
“Absolutely. In fact, during my separation from Will, my perspective concerning friendship had reason to deepened so much that the people I choose to open up with, today, have changed. Believe me, Mom, it’s still difficult for a world-class pleaser like me to accept that I can’t please all the people I love, all the time. Sometimes, an offer to help someone flies out of my mouth, which I immediately regret. Sometimes, I feel as though my heart is the hub of a wheel with too many spokes. *When I feel the needs of others pressing in too close, it’s hard to cut myself some slack if my needs conflict with theirs. In fact, inner conflict spins my wheels like a gerbil in a cage, suggesting my getting nowhere fast. When I have to say no, my spirit limps around, as though that word is empowered to slice off one of my legs. In the aftermath of our separation, I began to pull away from friends who asked for too much, and then deemed me uncaring or selfish when I couldn't meet their needs. And then, there were those who put me down and iced me out without asking one question. During that deeply painful time, I had to call upon The Line of Control to silence my wounded ego's impassioned response, so often, that I actually felt waves of inner tension coursing through me while suppressing the depth of my anger. Before we'd separated, my need to quell any build up of tension made me capitulate and consider only the other person's needs. Now, I remind myself to consider whether my needs merit as much consideration as theirs. And each time I feel the need to make that difficult but positive adjustment in terms of self respect, I breathe deep to fill my mind with oxygen while holding anxiety in check, so I can clearly, calmly and respectfully state my position and stand my ground—thus maintaining self respect and mutual respect, as well. My views have become so grounded in logic that my need to roar is rare. If I lose it, something, arousing my impassioned reaction, has invaded my peace of mind for much too long. So many of us remain blind to where our perceptions are too narrow or egocentric or perfectionistic to recognize this fact: *It’s impossible to remain ‘close’ with a person whose perceptions darken my traits while failing to see anything of Dorian Gray, reflecting back from their mirrors. *In the absence of humility, the ego tends to be closed minded about personal shorcomings, and when that's true, intimacy wains and conflict resolution fails. The opposite of humility is perfectionism. As perfection doesn't exist, we make ourselves miserable by setting goals for ourselves and others that remain just beyond the perfectionist's reach. With humility, we set high goals that can be achieved.”
At that point, Mom says:
“Tell me more about humility.”
So I answer with:
So I answer with:
“Hmmm—okay. But first, I need to get a glass of water. Want one?"
"Sure."
"Okay, don't go away. I'll be right back …"
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