1088 (22B) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 31

22B
2014
Sorry for not showing up, yesterday.  Though my mind was too occupied with life to do more than edit yesterday's post, I did jot down three thoughts that keep my effectiveness on track during conflict resolution:

Humility is the opposite of ego—suggesting my eagerness to peel away at denial
Self respect is the opposite of false pride, which pretends all's well when it's not
Mutual respect opposes flinging passive-aggressive put downs, back and forth

While editing yesterday's post, specific communication tools came to mind.  As these tools encourage us to focus on mutual respect in the heat of the moment while resolving conflicts, I slipped them into yesterday's post wherever they seemed appropriate.  Actually, we make use of these tools during business negotiations but forget to rein in emotional reactiveness when conflict erupts in our personal lives.  Generally, here's what happens:  Once we arrive home to find a conflict awaiting resolution, the lid that contained frustration stewing inside us at work pops off, and suppressed emotional reactions boil over and rush forth.  Then we slip on the mask of false pride, so Dr. Jekyll can deny the fact that Hyde leaps out and slinks back inside—and knowing how often we deceive ourselves concerning who we prove to be as a whole, here's a cautionary word to the wise:  If you decide to review post 1087, today's post will make more sense—and in order not to raise your ire, I'll keep today's post brief—so do we have a deal?  (Insight into your smarts suggests your answer is—Yes—so let's back track before moving forward …)
2002

Now, where were we?  Oh yes, I was saying:

"Often times, people are blind to where their perceptions are too narrow or egocentric to recognize when the underlying needs of others may be equal to or greater than our own.  *It’s impossible to remain ‘close’ with a person whose perceptions darken my traits, repeatedly, while denying anything of Dorian Gray, reflecting back from their mirrors.  *In the absence of humility, the ego remains closed minded to personal shortcomings or perfectionistic tendencies, and once denial becomes a way of life, intimacy wains and conflict resolution fails.”

Then, Mom said:

“Tell me more about humility.”
So I answered with:

“Okay.  But first, I need a glass of water.  Want one?"
"Sure."
"Okay, don't go away.  I'll be right back."
Once I hand Mom her water and sit down beside her, my mind swings straight into expressing this train of thought concerning humility:
*When a relationship grows emotionally intimate, both people feel so safe (mutually respected) as to openly admit to times when each may have been less generous or less sensitive to the other person’s needs.  Though privacy proves necessary and discretion proves smart, intimacy is determined by how naturally two people connect on every level.  *As human nature has two sides, everyone harbors egocentric (jealous or insecure) tendencies, which slip out, from time to time.  *As it’s tough to own up to those tendencies when our egos are doing their best to deny ownership of undesirable traits, it's not easy for intelligence to set our egos aside in order to muster the humility and courage necessary to expose the depths of our vulnerabilities with little clue as to how that which we feel may be received.  In truth, most of us shield our vulnerabilities behind the persona that blinds the conscious mind from accepting this fact:  At times, the strongest warrior/kindest person/wisest soul in the room proves as vulnerable to egocentricity as anyone else.

*By placing my ego aside during conflict resolution, I consciously embrace humility in this way:  My mind musters the courage to recognize where my train of thought may be assumptive.  If reflective thought proves my assumption to be inaccurate, I minimize my humiliation by offering a sincere apology on the spot.  In this way, I can forgive my egocentric imperfections thus maintaining a calmly grounded sense of self esteem, suggesting my ability to balance emotion with logic in the heat of the moment.  Just as attitude is everything, the same proves true of timing, balance and objectivity.  *Each time I work consciously to combine self awareness with objectivity, my compassion for human vulnerability reminds me to respect needs, all around, and all around suggests including my needs, as well. If I negate my basic needs, I deny my sense of self.  When two people enter into negotiations without humility, guess what throws conflict resolution off track?"

"I have no clue."

"*Well, the opposite of humility is—false pride.  False pride cloaks insecurity and apologies behind denial.  *False pride, defensive masks and denial are several ways to describe the persona, which blinds us from identifying emotions, repressed behind the masks that we don't know we wear, as in—Have you got a clue, or is your brain still fooling you?  *In recent years, we've grown aware of the importance of listening attentively and speaking skillfully, both of which depend upon sensitivity, clarity and patience.  *Listening acuity and speaking with articulation can be difficult skills to acquire for this reason:  We have too many mixed messages crashing like bumper cars inside our heads.  For example:  Be true to those you love/be true to yourself.  Communicate openly and speak your mind/if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  When we stop to consider the mass-of-mixed-messaged-madness that's drummed into the heads of children, everywhere, it's a wonder that we haven't driven ourselves completely crazy with confusion.   *Mixed messages mess with the most intelligent minds in the room.  *The more mixed messages a mind absorbs during childhood, the more mixed up our thought processor becomes while engaging in conflict resolution, as adults.  If you are paying attention to one message while the other person is paying attention to the opposite message, mayhem results.  When emotional mayhem remain unresolved, we separate—unnecessarily.  At those times when we throw ourselves a pity party, we've lost sight of objective thought.”

"That's a lot to take in, Annie!"

"I know, Mom.  I know …