12
2002
...And so, I'd happily paraded personal accomplishments before my parents' admiring eyes, while unconsciously developing a 'habit' of hiding most of my problems out of sight. We call ourselves creatures of habit, because habits develop into mental patterns, each of which carves its own channel (mindset, attitude) within the thought processing portion of the brain.
If we consider each mindset as a toboggan chute, we can picture this: Picture a frightened, hyper vigilant child clinging to her grieving, raven haired, tender hearted mother after two sudden, unexpected deaths draw them toward a greater subconscious need of each other than either one will consciously identify … until ...
(Today, July 5, 2014, when I began to review this post and this insight hit: Though I'd envisioned my need of my mother's attention, I'd not considered my mother's need to breathe life into her spirit by nurturing mine. Then, when Lauren's birth turned Mom's spotlight toward another baby, how fearsomely confused must I have felt, again? Whoops, I don't want my stream of consciousness to leap over insights not yet written, so let's return to that earlier time when the spirits of mother and child had enmeshed in a toboggan, careening down a chute, but neither of us knows this to be true, because sled and chute remain invisible to both.
Now, let's imagine a time warp where this three year old child morphs into the protective adult, cradling her grieving, white haired mother on a patio swing, soon after their husband/father's sudden death …
Imagine subconscious, unprocessed fears re-emerging in their unidentified state…
Imagine the unconscious effects of déjà vu transforming the swing into that toboggan, again ... Gosh I never know when insight into how the past influences my reaction, today, will pop out of my mind, shining a spotlight on yet another missing piece of my personal puzzle, right?
Okay, now that our time machine has zoomed back and forth at a dizzying speed, let's watch the soothing motion of this swing, which is securely fastened to the patio ceiling by a visible pair of chains, so strong as to suspend a grieving mother and her vigilant daughter in space until they unseat themselves as both approach whatever surprise fate has in store for their relationship as this next classic stage of each one's life unfolds … Uh … on second thought, let's pause long enough to switch tracks and consider this insight, which is itching to appear on your screen:
*Each time yesteryear's repressed anxiety emerges in its unidentified state, my basic needs will numb up, suggesting my having had no clue as to when or why the portion of my voice that asserts my needs to me is silenced, again.
*This silenced portion of my voice needs to be identified before I can differentiate my personal needs from that which my loved ones need of me. As long as the original cause of my anxiety remains unnamed, inner conflict will arise whenever a personal need, which proves vital to my spirit's well being, does not meet with my family's approval.
When fear filters into a slice of a vulnerable, young mind during a tender age of development, who's to know that a portion of that child's sense of individuation may be stalled indefinitely? The fact that I'd begun to develop into a conflicted stranger to myself at the age of three demanded close observation on the parts of adults who'd thought to know me well. When a child remains high spirited in school, the fact that she's become overly compliant at home is easily missed by adults whose minds are caught up in the complex web that fate weaves around each of us, one and all.
Once fear swerves the natural course of a child's development sharply away from Mother Nature's norm, a young mind will wander into a maze from which we each must extricate ourselves (or not). Once a child is caught up in this maze, he or she may, one day, receive an unexpected gift, which may be freely accepted or defensively refused. Though this gift of self discovery is available to one and all, it's common for the ego to push Pandora's box away for this reason: Lifting the lid may release a string of insights, highlighting a personal need that you've been stuffing, because longing to satisfy this need creates inner conflict, based in undeserved guilt. In short, once you lift the lid and look inside the box, deeper truth, which has riddled your mind with excess baggage may be seen so clearly as never to be denied, again. Whew!
As it's classic for little monkeys to watch, mimic and absorb that which giant monkeys feel, believe and do in hopes of side stepping parental disapproval, we say: The fruit doth not fall far from the tree. And thus is one of Mother Nature's most common defense mechanisms the repression of personal needs.
*If you ask for a brief description of repression, I'd reply:
Repression numbs personal needs so as to make us believe certain feelings no longer exist. Repression is pretense in that denial is made up of lies we tell ourselves and believe to be true. Denial allows us to bury deeper truths too scary or painful to reveal to ourselves until we muster the humility and courage necessary to excavate those truths by questing into self discovery.
Repression of personal needs is our way of pretending (to ourselves) that all is well with our spirits when nothing is further from the truth that remains hidden (for as long as possible) behind layers of denial.
*Once repressed emotion has numbed up and defensive masks are firmly in place—we dwell in Denialand, where our eyes remain closed to unmet needs festering behind defensive walls until, one by one, a string of insights begins to seep through a crack in our wall of pretense, and as deeper truth clarifies itself, one puzzle piece at a time, a lifetime of inner conflict is understood. Once we come to identify and unload the invasive power of subconscious guilt, which had been lugged forward through every stage of life, we can freely acknowledge the good person we've grown to be, suggesting it's time to be true to our whole self by embracing a plan whereby personal needs may be expressed and satisfied without fear of running wild ...
As to those who try to awaken us to repressed needs before readiness develops?
You know what's coming next ... We turn a deaf ear or
Kill the messenger ...
Once my family moves into Dad's suburban dream house, I'll think to know the reasons that cause me to curl up in my bed and secretly cry myself to sleep. However, none in my family, including me, will have a clue as to how deeply a secret, which I keep from myself, torments me at the age of eleven, causing me to scratch my arms and legs until angry, red scabs appear, yet again …
2014
Thank goodness for astute therapists, who by way of EMDR, have encouraged me to back track until the true reasons for my repressed sense of insecurity began to seep through cracks in my defensive wall, at last. One fearful secret that I'd kept from myself has to do with Janet's death. The second secret, which had caused another slice of my voice to be silenced, was also due to undeserved guilt.
Once both subconscious secrets, which proved too scary to reveal to myself, emerge, my conscious mind will no longer feel guilty when conflict arises, and as hyper vigilant anxiety subsides, my brain, functioning as a well-balanced whole, will begin to identify and voice my repressed needs with a sure footed sense of clarity once fate offers my sixth sense reason to quest into self discovery that began while cradling Mom in 2002.
Though I take care to consider my loved ones needs, today, as much as ever, my new found sense of wholeness offers me peace of mind when my personal needs line up separately from theirs.
2002
After swinging for several minutes in silent reflection, Mom and I continue to take turns processing our thoughts aloud, thus engaging openly, again ...
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