7B
2014
I didn't know myself as having a 'signature smile' until recently. I just smiled whenever something tickled my fancy. Though I'd listened to comments concerning 'my smiliness' for many years, I'd not questioned the ease with which my smiles emerged until two years ago, when fate offered me a gift that I'd never expected to receive.
2002
When we were babes in arms, your brain and mine had not yet been socially programmed to 'hide' emotion too raw to 'bare' in a locked storage unit, labeled DENIAL. It's within this storage unit that we hide impassioned emotion too complex to bare to ourselves.
Though we may remember a childhood experience, which proved exceptionally painful, our impassioned reaction may have felt so complex as to have been flash frozen for decades until fate offers us reason to experience an unexpected melt down due to the fact that 'something' we're doing today resembles that numbed experience from yesteryear, causing the mind to flood with an impassioned sense of confusion, catalyzed by déjà vu. (Whew!)
If, during this time of impassioned déjà vu, unprocessed guilt from long ago is released, we may feel as fearful of wrong doing, today, as we did then, As impassioned emotion is the direct opposite of logical thought, I wonder what Mother Nature was smoking when she packed intelligence and passion into the same brain! I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to surmise that once unleashed, raw passion reacts like emotional TNT.
Perhaps when designing the brain, Mother Nature was not in her 'right mind'. Perhaps she was having a bad hair day. Perhaps much of the craziness in our lives is Mother Nature's mistake … and as mothers seem to accept the blame for so much that goes wrong with a child's development, I think it's time to give the old girl a break and make this switch: From now on, let's refer to Father Nature and Mother Time. Ah! That's a huge weight off my mind! A weight I was unaware of lugging around, subconsciously, since Janet died when I was three. If asked to name that weight, today, I'd reply: Fear of making any decision that might cause those I loved to frown at me. And I had no clue of having carried that weight until my terror concerning my most fearsome childhood experience had been fully exposed and understood. Once my intelligence came to understand the ways in which yesteryear's most fearsome, guilt ridden experience filtered into my conscious mind, today, my adult pleasure center developed a sense of self trust, free from fear, as never before.
Though we may recall and describe a fearsome childhood experience that flooded our minds with feelings of guilt-ridden devastation, we commonly disassociate that early experience from guilt, filtering into our conscious minds, today, because today's experience seems utterly unrelated to that which had terrified us, long ago, until insight into similarities, connecting those experiences, sparks an Aha! moment to which we'd been blind.
2014
While swinging alongside my mother, I was not yet conscious of emotional reactions that my defense system had tucked into the deepest pockets of my mind. In 2002, I was unaware of how often my subconscious sent out smoke signals of undeserved guilt, clouding the conscious portion of my mind with yesteryear's unresolved fear. It was not until my spirit became weepy, soggy, edgy that intuition inspired me to seek insight into my need to bare the rawness of subterranean guilt, which had laid heavy on my spirit throughout every stage of life.
Upon seeking help astute with insight, I came to understand how the thought processor and defense system complicate the interactive functions of our brains. In order to resusitate my spirit, my intelligence had to focus upon these intriguing effects of denial:
Matter is made up of particles of energy, and the same is true of emotion.
When the brain is overwhelmed by emotional electricity, synapses producing clarity, scatter.
This scattering of electrical energy creates emotional static, which shatters our sense of logic.
Thus do anxiety, anger, confusion and passion of all kinds shatter clarity and logic.
Once clarity and logic shatter, our basic instincts are thrown off track.
Once our instincts are 'off', the overwhelmed brain can't make heads or tails of reality.
Once our sense of reality is enveloped within a heavy fog of emotional confusion
We're just a hop, skip, or jump from cruising into Denialand, where
All sense of solution-seeking logic can't find its way out of a paper bag
In the aftermath of this mentally conflicted, emotional tornado
We may awaken to find our spirits struggling with a sense of despair that
Feels similar to that which we'd felt when we were children, answerable to
The god-like authority of adults—thumbs up, we'd felt safely connected—
Thumbs down, we'd felt disconnected, shamed, excluded, guilty, terrified
If, during childhood, we'd suffered a frightening experience where
A god-like authority figure had clamped down on us too hard
It's likely that a vital slice of self trust got stuck in a place where
Guilt and independent thought intertwined, forming tight knots of fear
In some cases, this childhood experience is remembered while
In other cases, Mother Nature deems a life changing experience
Better 'forgotten' until adult intuition feels reason to
Seek and thaw deeper truth, frozen inside
(As the answers you seek are inside
No one who love you can free you of undeserved guilt but you)
Generally, we don't think to seek deeper truth until we hit bottom
In my case, that's when my sixth sense takes center stage in that
My mind can't rest until I experience 'melt down', suggesting that
An impassioned emotion or terrifying experience
Frozen behind my defensive wall, begins to leak into my conscious mind
In the middle of a melt down, anxiety rises, because I no longer know who I am!!!
As fate offered me reason to experience more than one melt down (stories to come)
I've come to see the value in questing toward identifying which personal strength
Gets tied up ino a tight knot of anxiety whenever one of my decisions hints at
Disappointing the god-like authority figure, who had frightened me most as a child
If you ask which of my personal strengths got tied up in knots whenever
I'd feared disappointing my mom, I'd reply: Self trust
Not self trust, in general. Just a slice of self trust when my mother frowned
I'd no clue that over most of my life, I'd stretch to extremes to win Mom's smile
Before I could feed my instinctive need to restrengthen this slice of self trust
I was challenged with identifying an experience that had heaped
Too much guilt on the vulnerable head of a child
While growing up, I'd no clue of unconsciously
Heaping that guilt, which remained unnamed and raw, upon myself
And thus did my spirit carry this undeserved guilt trip forward
Through every stage of my life until recently
As no one leaves childhood emotionally unscathed
We all experience attacks of unnamed anxiety
And the main reason that anxiety constricts our ability to breathe freely is due to
That excruciating, left-over fear, which has been crying for
Identification, reprocessing and release …
Once that introspective work has been achieved, inner conflict relaxes, at last
As inner conflict resolves, I can feed my personal needs in a newly rebalanced fashion
Oh... One last thought for today:
It's vital to remember that Mother Nature casts her spell of denial
To help us get through a rough childhood experience
Making our way through a rough childhood experience does not suggest
That we pack guilt in our baggage and move into Denialand on a permanent basis
Each time intuition inspires me to seek deeper truth into exposing honest emotion into
That which I feel at my core, concerning my desire to
Feed highly personal, unmet needs, numbed behind my wall of denial
It's common to fend off this slice of reality that I'd not acknowledged to myself
On the other hand, questing toward self awareness is not to be feared for this reason:
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
Free from what?
Free from denial's numbing spell
Free from this maze that blinds you from seeing that
Generally speaking, others do not rain on your parade as often
As you do when you allow yesteryear's guilt to numb passion in need of release
In fact, you can't know yourself until
You can reach inside so deeply as to feel raw passion aching for freedom
And here is why that's true:
You are as human as I am
And all human beings are comprised of two sides
On one side we see our strengths
On the other we hide from vulnerabilities—
Which develop into strengths once
Fate offers us reason to quest toward deepening self awareness by
Unpacking our baggage, which blinds us to where our brains really want to go …
I've spent a lot of time with Nick.
Nick who?
You know the Nick of whom I speak
His given name is: In The Nick of Time
Thank goodness Nick and his buddies
Socrates and The Bard feel the need to
Swoop down from on high to read me my rights while
Encouraging me to develop that slice of self trust, which
Liberates me to meet my needs in a self disciplined way after
I think to take time out to calm anxiety down by
Consciously setting parental tapes aside in order to
Free my mind to meet my needs, and
Each time I think clearly for myself
My spirit soars :)
Though tis hard work to free my conscious mind from
Childhood guilt, stored behind my wall of denial
Here is why the pain of self discovery is worth the gain:
Inevitably, deeper truth, concerning feeling free to
Confront my unmet needs, seeps out of my subconscious, suggesting
That, today, I can see clear into my core, at last, and if you ask:
Annie, when you look into your core, what do you see staring back, I'd reply:
I see a compassionate, good hearted, self disciplined woman
Who had been such a good little girl that, in truth
My spirit has always had sound reason to
Replace yesteryear's undeserved guilt with
That slice of self trust I'd unknowingly misplaced at the vulnerable age of three :)
Thank goodness, this rebalanced view of the person I've grown to be
Frees me from living in the shadow of yesteryear's despair which
Had limited my scope as to how a self disciplined soul can
Take good care of loved ones while honoring personal needs, as well, and
What, I ask, can feel better than a view of reality as balanced as that! :) *****
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