2002
"Mom think about Grandma Ella. Her defense system was huge.”
"Mom think about Grandma Ella. Her defense system was huge.”
“And how!”
“The size of Grandma’s ego made it impossible for her to admit to any mistakes. Since Grandma couldn’t admit to being wrong she'd go on and on until the other person gave up in exhaustion. Then, her defensive wall denied her access to humility, so she couldn't approach anyone, whom she may have insulted in the heat of the moment, to say, ‘I’m sorry’, later. Even if Grandma had wanted to make amends, the power of her persona locked humility behind denial, which is why Grandma would walk out of her bedroom, 'acting' as though nothing had happened, and all was well. The persona 'acts' as the ego's cover when it's impossible to reconnect without pretense.
Actually, Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which protected the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz from being detected by the world at large. Big voice. Lots of bluster indicating less inner strength behind the mask than we'd think.”
Actually, Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which protected the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz from being detected by the world at large. Big voice. Lots of bluster indicating less inner strength behind the mask than we'd think.”
As one insight leads to another, this line of reasoning continues to process through my mind while I muse, silently, over this next train of thought: If false pride masks subconscious vulnerabilities from oneself then the persona must serve as a shield that cloaks reactions, like embarrassment or resentment, in the aftermath of conflict where displays of temper decimate mutual respect. So—if a true sense of pride is catalyzed by success—then false pride must cover an intuitive sense of failure. As it seemed best not to express my belief that my Grandma's sense of self depended upon retaining control over my mother, I turned toward Mom and chose to say this, instead:
“You know, Mom, it’s far from easy to reprogram a middle-aged brain."
"Well, why in the world would we want to do that?"
"Because of how often we fail to identify those times when our egos are doing the listening, yakking, blaming and squawking.”
"Well, why in the world would we want to do that?"
"Because of how often we fail to identify those times when our egos are doing the listening, yakking, blaming and squawking.”
“Annie, wait a minute. You're losing me. I need an example to help me understand what your ego sounds likes when it's listening or talking.”
“Hmmm—okay ... Ah! Here's an example of a really naïve statement that flew out of my ego’s mouth. This took place several years ago at a Bat Mitzvah. Will and I had just come back together after our separation, and I was telling Aunt Risa (Brad’s mom) about love lessons that Will had been in need of learning when she interrupted with, ‘Annie, I keep hearing about Will’s lessons. Didn’t you have lessons to learn, as well?’ Later, upon reflection, my face flushed with chagrin at how glibly I’d replied: 'I’d already learned my lessons; Will was catching up.' Though it's true that I’d embraced countless insights into communicating openly and compassionately during the years that Will was absorbing information that interested him, my answer signaled an egocentric attitude, suggesting that I'd already mastered every love lesson worth digesting. *Upon reflection later that day, it dawned on me that by answering off the top of my head, I'd dismissed this vital fact: *We're offered countless opportunities to welcome (or ignore) classic lessons, which inspire personal growth, at every stage of life. So there I was, alone in my hotel room, feeling chagrin at how naïve a well-educated, intelligent, middle aged brain can be—especially when the egocentric portion of that brain belongs to me!”
After listening to the humbled response I'd offered to Aunt Risa, a warm smile spreads across Mom’s face while I go on: ”Aunt Risa received my original response, because *my first thought’s not always my best thought. I mean, Will did have a lot to absorb about self awareness, but so did I. And here's why that proves true, today: When it comes to absorbing insight into love and life, lessons concerning change for the better are as numerous as snowflakes during a whiteout. Instead of tapping into the inquisitive part of my mind, which quests toward insight into deepening my self awareness, the narrow focus of my original response came straight from 'the communication's instructor’. On the up side, reflection, opened my eyes to recognizing the way that egocentricity, which had narrowed my limited view point, upstaged intelligent thought. So, the next time I saw Aunt Risa, I chose to revisit our conversation, and express my expanded views.
After listening to the humbled response I'd offered to Aunt Risa, a warm smile spreads across Mom’s face while I go on: ”Aunt Risa received my original response, because *my first thought’s not always my best thought. I mean, Will did have a lot to absorb about self awareness, but so did I. And here's why that proves true, today: When it comes to absorbing insight into love and life, lessons concerning change for the better are as numerous as snowflakes during a whiteout. Instead of tapping into the inquisitive part of my mind, which quests toward insight into deepening my self awareness, the narrow focus of my original response came straight from 'the communication's instructor’. On the up side, reflection, opened my eyes to recognizing the way that egocentricity, which had narrowed my limited view point, upstaged intelligent thought. So, the next time I saw Aunt Risa, I chose to revisit our conversation, and express my expanded views.
Today, while entertaining thoughts, concerning love or life, I consider this fact: *We're each born with the potential to absorb insights, which deepen self awareness, at every age and stage. In fact, my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way: I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time. I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of this person, who remains at odds with our need to create change for the better, may withdraw ever more sadly into a close minded attitude rather than consciously choosing to fully appreciate whatever fate offers up that may surprise our sense of joy.
“Annie, we’ve lost so much by my age, how can we not grow sad”
At that, I'm reminded of this fact, which stirs my compassion: Mom, living alone for the first time in her life at the age of 89, must spend the greater part of each day alone in her condo, grieving over the loss of my dad as well as her entire generation (except for Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa). So initially, my compassionate reaction acknowledges the depth of her loneliness and grief with a heartfelt, “Mom, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel." Then after we hug and swing, side by side, lost in thought for a bit, I continue with, "You may think me naïve for suggesting this thought, but, here it comes ... *Though it's true that I've not experienced all that you have—yet—if I'm the one who lives the longest then common sense suggests I'll need to factor luck, fate, and choice into my decisions, so I can figure out how to accept—the unacceptable and move forward. Otherwise, grief will seize control of my mind and shrink my spirit's capacity for joy. I mean, look at it this way, Mom: *Just as teens do not develop physically at exactly the same time, many aspects of emotional growth develop within each of us, at different times, for countless reasons. As change and conflict go hand in hand, changes, which we'd not choose, are bound to cause frustration, inner conflict and fear, and calming frustration (coupled with loneliness, conflict and fear), effectively depends upon opening our minds to guidance. You know—like we go to the doctor when our bodies are out of sorts. So why not seek guidance when our spirits are at half mast? Remember when you wanted Dad to go for help?"
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some people don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed this with each of my kids: *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously. *When insights concerning love or life are absorbed, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's. Since life offers each of us different experiences, here's what I've come to believe: *You learn from this experience, and I learn that experience, and when we choose to listen openly and learn eagerly from each other, we grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads choose a non-defensive track. I think it’s tragic when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive. *In fact, I wonder how often we treat strangers with a deeper sense of respect than those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too defensive to recognize when an attitude, sizzling with disrespect, slings insults, back and forth.... when that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ...I mean sling a subtle put down at a friend too often and watch a growing sense of self respect direct his intelligence to make a U turn in hopes of driving toward an open highway leading toward change for the better. Mom, I heard about a grief group that's supposed to be very helpful. I'd like you to go with me ..."
PS
In case you think that while editing yesterday's post I didn't add insights ... please think again. And if you wonder why I don't edit before posting ... I'd reply: I do. More than once. Then, while reading that which has been written and posted, my think tank finds reason to edit several times more. If you saw what my raw stream of consciousness was like ... well, seriously ... don't you know me, already?
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some people don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed this with each of my kids: *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously. *When insights concerning love or life are absorbed, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's. Since life offers each of us different experiences, here's what I've come to believe: *You learn from this experience, and I learn that experience, and when we choose to listen openly and learn eagerly from each other, we grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads choose a non-defensive track. I think it’s tragic when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive. *In fact, I wonder how often we treat strangers with a deeper sense of respect than those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too defensive to recognize when an attitude, sizzling with disrespect, slings insults, back and forth.... when that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ...I mean sling a subtle put down at a friend too often and watch a growing sense of self respect direct his intelligence to make a U turn in hopes of driving toward an open highway leading toward change for the better. Mom, I heard about a grief group that's supposed to be very helpful. I'd like you to go with me ..."
PS
In case you think that while editing yesterday's post I didn't add insights ... please think again. And if you wonder why I don't edit before posting ... I'd reply: I do. More than once. Then, while reading that which has been written and posted, my think tank finds reason to edit several times more. If you saw what my raw stream of consciousness was like ... well, seriously ... don't you know me, already?
No comments:
Post a Comment