2002
While we're engaged in discussing listening skills, Mom asks me to decode this mind bending insight:
‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’
"That's a clever way of saying: *We forget that the little we know is not all there is to know. When judgment is based in the little that can be seen on the surface, it's easy to underestimate the depths of each one's abilities, experiences, complexities and repressed emotions. If while listening, we underestimate the speaker's intelligence, we may mistakenly minimize the depth of that individual’s connection to courage and endurance when trials and tribulations pile up and just won't quit. Misperceive someone's strengths, too often, and watch internal resentment cause bonds of intimacy to unravel.
*Knowing the human brain to be hard wired (preprogrammed) to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a person's story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel heartfelt compassion, which serves as a people-connector.
If, while listening to a person's story unfold, my scope is too narrow, I may withhold emotional support when that's what's needed most. When our minds compare another person's experience to one of our own, our scope tends to be so egocentric in nature that it's easy to mistake apples for oranges.
*Knowing the human brain to be hard wired (preprogrammed) to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a person's story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel heartfelt compassion, which serves as a people-connector.
If, while listening to a person's story unfold, my scope is too narrow, I may withhold emotional support when that's what's needed most. When our minds compare another person's experience to one of our own, our scope tends to be so egocentric in nature that it's easy to mistake apples for oranges.
By listening attentively, I work to by pass snap judgments, thereby consciously neutralizing my opinion until my sense of logic has considered each detail as it's revealed. *Each time I recognize and stop a premature judgment from filtering through my thoughts, my listening skills sharpen. In this way, my emotional reactions don't darken or lighten the main issue, which the speaker is working to convey.
*This attitude of consciously sharpening my listening acuity keeps my mind focused solely upon the specific situation at hand. When personal thoughts do not muddy up the conversation, my focus grasps and digests the crux of the problem as it stands. *While collecting details, which fill in the blanks of a story, the complexity of the speaker’s dilemma clarifies, and as my questions tend to be sensitively placed, compassionately phrased and focused on problem solving, we get to the heart of the matter."
"Annie, you don't always listen as patiently as you think."
"Of course not, Mom. My brain is as human as anyone else's. That's why listening skills need to be practiced, every day. For the most part, I listen attentively to maintain a lucid sense of solution-seeking clarity. However, if I hear the same details, cycling round, repeatedly, like a broken record without a hint of interest in creating change for the better, all around then my patience wears thin. Eventually, listening to a closed minded attitude, which blocks the other person's brain from absorbing any sense of problem-solving logic, my head aches with a growing sense of futility. Finally, when a pounding sense of futility outweighs my connection to patience, interruption ensues …
2014There's so much we each think to know, but don't. Not just about others. About ourselves. Though I knew that listening to a closed-minded attitude, running in circles like a gerbil on a wheel, made my head ache with futility, here's what I didn't know in 2002 that I know, now—my head ached for this reason: I had no clue how often my little voice of intuition implored me to switch my attitude from reasoning with a close minded wall to opening a door inside my head that would allow me to see the tower of frustration, which, ultimately over powered my last thread of patience. In short, my build up of frustration felt like TNT about to explode my last shred of logic if I forced my think tank to absorb even one more word that I'd heard a thousand times before. (Think camel and last straw.) As I'd not yet gained insight into the futility of trying to take down any defensive wall other than my own, I'd been blind to this fact, as well: The only way to lower my frustration was to make better use of my energy by conversing with minds, which were open to 'looking in'. In 2002, I'd learned very little about the deafness of defensive walls, including mine. So as we return to my conversation with Mom, you'll watch me express morsels of information that my mind had amassed, thus far:
2002
... On the other hand, when I'm the one in the hot seat, listening to another person’s perception of me, I need to muster the courage, patience, humility, and self control to listen thoroughly in hopes of responding with clarity for this reason: I can't attain clarity until my frustration has calmed down. And that's why the most important listening skill requires sitting my ego in time out, which frees my intelligence to listen more attentively than ever before."
"That's a lot to expect of people, Annie."
"I know that, Mom. I didn't say I expect that of others. I'm referring to that which I've come to expect of myself. Here's what I'm getting at: *If two people develop the strength to consciously place their defensive reactions in time out then both embrace attitudes of mutual trust, necessary for securing emotional intimacy—which doubles our solution seeking acuity. (As it takes lots of concentration to identify defensive reactions that mess with mental absorption, you might want to read that insight twice.)
If attitude is everything then people who bend toward listening to constructive criticism, calmly, are apt to simplify emotional complexity by engaging in discussions where both feel open to learning from each other. Mutual respect allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. Rather than absorbing insight into vulnerabilities we don't know we expose, we feel like attacking the messenger. When conversations remain calm, compassionate and mutually respectful, misperceptions, which might otherwise arouse insulted feelings crackling with tension, tend to straighten out on the spot.
If attitude is everything then people who bend toward listening to constructive criticism, calmly, are apt to simplify emotional complexity by engaging in discussions where both feel open to learning from each other. Mutual respect allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. Rather than absorbing insight into vulnerabilities we don't know we expose, we feel like attacking the messenger. When conversations remain calm, compassionate and mutually respectful, misperceptions, which might otherwise arouse insulted feelings crackling with tension, tend to straighten out on the spot.
“That can’t happen all the time, Annie.”
“Of course not, Mom. My point is that peaceful resolution takes place too rarely. When misperceptions are flung back and forth, a power struggle is born, and the crux of a conflict remains buried beneath the rubble. As soon as insensitive judgments zing, back and forth through the air, conversations, charged with negative energy, grow as angry and tense as a hungry, uncaged zoo—and that's especially true when the defensive reactions of two families gang up on another—think Hatfields and McCoys.
Like any skill that's worth cultivating, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When opposing attitudes make a conscious effort to think wisely instead of responding defensively, emotional baggage is less apt to snap open and boomerang, back and forth. Once we're not afraid to 'look in' and identify our baggage, we can unload it without flinging insults, back and forth. Less baggage, less head on collisions. More logical clarity, deeper emotional interconnection.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill in need of developing."
"Well, Mom, it is. And no skill develops without practice in consistency. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed. Once negatively focused tension, which heightens anxiety, decreases, all around, no one throws a clear-headed train of thought off the solution-seeking track. *When two people learn how to switch from close minded defensiveness to open minded problem solving, we listen to details in need of reconsideration. And that's what it takes to stay on track with all of the people we love—not just those who agree with us.
Like any skill that's worth cultivating, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When opposing attitudes make a conscious effort to think wisely instead of responding defensively, emotional baggage is less apt to snap open and boomerang, back and forth. Once we're not afraid to 'look in' and identify our baggage, we can unload it without flinging insults, back and forth. Less baggage, less head on collisions. More logical clarity, deeper emotional interconnection.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill in need of developing."
"Well, Mom, it is. And no skill develops without practice in consistency. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed. Once negatively focused tension, which heightens anxiety, decreases, all around, no one throws a clear-headed train of thought off the solution-seeking track. *When two people learn how to switch from close minded defensiveness to open minded problem solving, we listen to details in need of reconsideration. And that's what it takes to stay on track with all of the people we love—not just those who agree with us.
When Will and separated, I experienced some very painful lessons about love and friendship, which, for one reason or another, prove common to us, all. *Eventually, insights into love and life, which, at first, had been really difficult for me to absorb, catalyzed a mindful change in every relationship I'd valued. *Ultimately, experiences that blew my mind caused many of my perceptions to expand, and as my perceptions expanded, so did my attitudes and comfort zones.
*As attitude is everything, my expanded views of life, friendship and love turned me into a stranger to myself—and at first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains preceding personal gains, because I had no clue that while separating from Will, my subconscious was releasing pain, which had been repressed (numbed) ever since certain experiences had traumatized me in fifth and six grades. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic in nature until I learned that to be true in therapy! Though those raw and unhealed traumas wreaked havoc with my self confidence more than once, no one thought to diagnosis an upbeat person, like me, with PTSD until recently.
*Today, I've grown more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about both sides of human nature, classic to us all, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully. Today, I work consciously not to pour salt into yesterday's unhealed wounds. And just as I don't let others push my buttons, I try not to push my own. (In 2002, I didn't know what I know, now, about buttons that others pushed with my permission, because I was blind to the ways in which my subconscious had piled undeserved guilt upon myself.)
*As attitude is everything, my expanded views of life, friendship and love turned me into a stranger to myself—and at first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains preceding personal gains, because I had no clue that while separating from Will, my subconscious was releasing pain, which had been repressed (numbed) ever since certain experiences had traumatized me in fifth and six grades. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic in nature until I learned that to be true in therapy! Though those raw and unhealed traumas wreaked havoc with my self confidence more than once, no one thought to diagnosis an upbeat person, like me, with PTSD until recently.
*Today, I've grown more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about both sides of human nature, classic to us all, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully. Today, I work consciously not to pour salt into yesterday's unhealed wounds. And just as I don't let others push my buttons, I try not to push my own. (In 2002, I didn't know what I know, now, about buttons that others pushed with my permission, because I was blind to the ways in which my subconscious had piled undeserved guilt upon myself.)
*The more I learn about growing pains, the more appreciative I feel concerning the concept of choice, which expands my ability to grow into the person I need to be, today. *Whenever an unexpected experience blows in like a gale, forcing me to engage with a growth spurt, I look for insight into another attitude, adopted during childhood, which is in need of reconsideration if I want my emotional intelligence to mature. Rather than pointing fingers of blame, here, there or anywhere, I choose to ask: What am I missing that I need to know to enjoy my life more fully and freely, less guilty of wrong-doing, than ever before …"
When Mom interrupts with, "Annie—It sounds exhausting to be you!" I laugh and respond: In one way or another, we all exhaust ourselves. No more gerbil on a wheel in cage, spinning dizzily, getting no place fast, for me. When my mind is aswirl, I dive in and figure out which belief feels like an undertow sucking my energy dry. It's not 'thinking deep' that exhausts my mind, Mom. It's opening my vulnerabilities to judgmental mouths and deaf ears, repeatedly. My spirit can't abide feeling surrounded and suffocated by other people's defensive walls, any more. I'd believed myself opening all the right doors, when in truth, I was in a maze of mirrors, which made me every bit as blind to myself as I was blind to walls against which I'd knocked my head. When I finally recognized which walls refused to come down, I stopped knocking myself out. (Or so I'd thought. We don't know what we don't know about self defeating traits until we dive deep enough in our minds to see another suitcase, stuffed with baggage, staring us in the face …)
*Today, I expect to hear judgment calls from solid walls with deaf ears, because solild walls and judgment calls are a matched set. Perhaps exhaustion hits when we're deaf to the same insights calling out to us from deep insight, again and again, but our belief systems fail to recognize those insights as lessons, coaxing us to embrace life and gifts of love more freely by reconsidering the heavy weight of all the 'shoulds and should nots' that drag our spirits down.
*Each time insight spotlights a narrow perception, which proves in need of expansion, my new found sense of clarity replaces confusion. Upon experiencing another AHA! moment of clarity, anxiety lessens, and my comfort expands so naturally that inner conflict resolves, as though all on it's own. Every time the narrow focus of my mind expands, my spirit stops dragging around undeserved guilt, and as a result of lightening up on myself, my sense of joy rebounds for this reason: *Every insight, I work to absorb enables me to express my needs with a greater sense of clarity, today, than yesterday. With clarity, I free myself to be true to myself at my core. And what could be more energizing and life affirming than embracing a positive change in attitude that proves as natural as that? Bottom line—each time another new insight flies out of my mind, I'm really glad to be me!"
Though unexpected change triggers anxiety for good reason and though it's discomforting not to know where I may end up—more deeply connected to those I love, or farther apart, clarity coupled with positive focus builds self trust, which lessens subconscious fear in this way: Tis better to fly toward insight, clarity and joy than to wrap my brain inside a cocoon—where lost in a swirl of confusion based in mixed messages that bounced around inside my brain—I'd unknowingly rubbed salt into yesteryear's wounds more often than I'd thought. Judge yourself harshly? Judge others harshly. Identify your self defeating patterns—ease up on yourself—then, ease up on others, across the board. If attitude is everything then … OK OK, I know, I know. I'm giving you a headache by repeating myself, but I'm so frustrated with seeing valued relationships snapping like rubber bands—loved ones heaping blame on each other or themselves—anxiety zinging through the air—pain boomeranging back and forth—here and there, everywhere—well, Sam I am—it just plum tires me out—Ever wonder what Dr. Seuss would have written about separation and self defeat everywhere we go—up down all around town …
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