Thursday, July 31, 2014

1095 (28D) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 38

REALITY DISTORTION SYNDROME:  Believing too much of your own bull …
*RDS proves to be a mental-block-builder rather than a building-block-for-lasting-friendship.  *Once I recognize the intricacy of  a mental maze I grow quiet for this reason:  I've experienced how readily emotional mazes swallow my attachment to common sense quick as a vaccuum cleaner sucks in a pile of dust.

Speaking as one who's mind has been sucked into mental mazes,  I can tell you that's not a healthy place for me to feel stuck, again and again.  Stuck once? Stuck twice? *Struck three times points out this fact:  I may be stuck in a mental block of my own.  At this point in my evolution, if I sense the inertia of inner conflict creating a maze within me, thus defying my connection to common sense, you'll watch me choose to divert my time and energy toward identifying the mental block, which may be mystifying my sense of clarity, right now ... Seriously, if all of my energy is invested in working to identify the mental blocks of others then guess what stalls?  My personal growth.  I mean, what's to be gained from figuring out what's taking place in another person's head if confusion, based in inner conflict, blocks my sense of clarity from sensing a simple solution seeking plan that frees me to enjoy life more than my limited viewpoint had proved possible before. 

*Upon reflection, I've come to see how much of my mental energy had concentrated upon figuring out the complex thought patterns of others instead of focusing my smarts on pulling my head out of the sand in order to confront painful memories, which had once scared my spirit half to death!  As an overachiever, who is no slouch at solution seeking, I proved to be no slouch at depressing when reality shoved denial aside, opening my conscious mind to become aware of how lonely my marriage had become.  That was twenty years ago.  Thank goodness, depth in terms of self awareness has had sound reason to expand since that earlier time.

*Between then and now, I learned why my spirit chose depression over separation.  With help, I came to see how much energy had been expended in repressing the depth of my unhappiness, which had simmered within a lonely pocket of my subconscious over many years.  The depth of my loneliness went unidentified, because my mental block would not allow me to feel emotion, which proved too scary to acknowledge, express or release.  Eventually, this self-imposed pressure of denying myself a natural outlet to experience emotional relief exhausted my mind and extinguished my spirit—while, on the up side, my little voice of intuition continued to inspire my smarts to disassemble my defensive wall by seeking professional help.  Thank goodness my active mind felt compelled to understand what caused my enthusiastic zest for life to plummet and crash ...

Though it's true that with therapy some semblance of reality began to filter from my subconscious into my conscious mind, my defense system refused to confront reality with clarity until my thought processor was cleansed of confusion, based in denial.  *This natural depression of my spirit offered my brain the solitude of a mental cocoon, where insight into each stage of my life began to make sense of defensive patterns, which had led me into a series of emotional mazes where mental blocks played havoc with decisions that depended upon clarity to make sense of any aspect of reality, which had scared me so much as to have numbed everything I'd longed to experience until denial caved in under the weight of the truth, which pressed me to descend into a depressed state of being where I could feel nothing but pain before gain in terms of clarity led toward necessary change.  That story, ladened with details rich in insight into mental blocks, will exemplify what happens when we are so selfless as to deny our spirits access to that which we need most to thrive.

*When mental blocks play havoc with clarity, certain aspects of personal growth are placed on hold. Each time clarity cleanses my mind of confusion, the solution seeking portion of my brain re-energizes; my spirit rebounds, and resultant of moving cautiously forward while at the same time retracing each stage of my life, I regain control over carving the unique path that eventually respects my needs as well as the needs of my loved ones.  With clarity into an existential view of life, one simple plan of action inspires another until independent thought frees itself from struggling against the herding instinct, which had compelled me to deny my needs, repeatedly.  Today, my existential needs and my family's need of me thrive, side by side, suggesting that my attention to self respect and mutual respect feel harmonic, at last.  In truth, I can't give the best of me to everyone I love when a defensive mental block runs interference with my being true to all of myself, through and through.  In short, I can't be true to anyone else until I'm true to the whole person I prove to be at my core.  Hence my conversation with the spirit of the sage, who swoops down from on high each time denial bamboozles me into believing that a passion, which I've repressed, is no longer empowered to grab me by surprise each time insight into deeper truth jolts my smart heart into admitting that clarity proves otherwise.

At this point in my life, it's reassuring to know that I've experienced the full spectrum of emotion—from soaring with lighthearted joy to spiraling into the devastating darkness of desperation where self awareness fueled my spirit with a hopeful sense of positive focus that inspired me to rise like The Phoenix, empowered to transform vulnerabilities into personal strengths, which prove necessary to peel away layers of defensiveness in order to expose mental blocks that must be identified before delayed stages of personal growth are mine.  (Having read most of his novels, rich in character development, that's a Henry James sentence if I ever saw one!)

*Each time I consciously open my mind in hopes of soaking in insight, which serves to deepen my relationships while enriching my experiences, I come to see why it's necessary to employ generosity of spirit while working to overcome emotional chasms that separate us from those we love.

*I've come to see that repression of inner conflict creates confusion that must transform into clarity before simplicity can resuscitate a relationship that's deeply valued on both sides ...

*I've come to see friendship as a living being in need of nurturing, nourishing, growing and thriving or it will shrink and starve until it just can't survive.  You see, friendship is not likened to a thriving bond between parent and child, where one meets the needs of the other.  A thriving friendship feels mutually nurtured, and that cannot be when conversations smash into subliminal mental blocks that rule supreme, thus delaying personal growth until readiness to embrace deeper truth ripens on both sides ...

*I've come to see that lasting friendships depend upon a double dose of positively focused hopefulness coupled with simple solution seeking plans.  I mean seriously, hope is in need of a simple plan of action to float a boat that's in the process of sinking fast.

It's important to remember that, for the most part, we're unaware of how often subconscious shadows cloud the clear-sightedness of our emotions, thoughts, actions and decision-making process. If we have no clue as to when subconscious fear is coaching the conscious mind then how well can we know ourselves in depth?  If you ask me, there's no subject more fascinating than the intricacies of the human brain.  I mean how in the world can the same brain that gets us to the moon and back have no clue as to how to raise a self confident child.  See what I mean?  Thank goodness for division of labor, right?

So, here's what I'm getting at: Socrates said, "Know thyself," because each time we hide our deepest emotions behind denial, we drop the hand of someone who longs to hold hands with us.  The bard penned plays, both tragic and comedic, concerning that sad fact, which proves classic, universal and timeless.  Socrates' peers killed the messenger in hopes of shutting up the sage, who felt compelled to spout truths that his peers had feared to hear. Thank goodness 'killing the messenger' did not silence Socrates insight, because, every generation passes his magic wand of wisdom to the leaders of tomorrow.  Unfortunately, our leaders, today, can't get their heads out of the sand for long enough to recognize that their hands are so busy grabbing for power and money that they fail to see the baton of wisdom dangling within reach.

As centuries have passed between centurians and we who soldier forth, today, it seems like the human brain is slow to absorb classic truths. Why? Every conscious mind is pretty much a clear slate at birth.  So whatever we're taught at home and in school, day after day, year after year, becomes most deeply imprinted into our minds. It's as though life is a game of follow the leader, where innocent children are brainwashed, just as was true of Hitler's youth ... Kamikaze pilots ... human bomb terrorists, kidnapped children enslaved as soldiers, sex trafficking sacrificial lambs, whose stolen lives serve the greedy needs of manic, power-hungry minds ...
Thus am I inspired to write one post after another, day after day, in hopes of igniting a grassroots movement where children will be home schooled to comprehend the contradictive nature of the human brain in hopes of developing an insightful, curious attitude concerning reality, not as we perceive of it but as it clearly exists, one family at a time.  As an instructor of family communications, I hope to impart the impact of transforming subconscious confusion into clarity, which saves friendships (and nations) from separating into opposing camps, unnecessarily..
Once my mind began to conjure up simple plans of action, which proved successful at home, intuition directed me to teach those plans, infused with common sense, at the college level; publish them in magazines, and send them into cyberspace in hopes that more of today's adult leaders will feel inspired to fill the young minds of tomorrow's leaders with insight into transforming confusion and greed into clarity, concerning generosity of spirit, throughout the world ... one home, one city, one nation, one step forward at a time. And each time I am in need of taking time out to know myself more deeply than ever before, the spirit of Socrates, whispering 'know thyself', smiles down at me until my little voice of reason feels encouraged to write a new post or edit an older one that proves in need of clarity just as decisions made yesterday may be in need of revision, today.  And such is life ... moving forward, step by step, until we are presented with sound reason to embrace a leap of faith into the great unknown from which we sprang as infants, whose minds were clean slates until societal contradictions muddled our sense of clarity up. 
As eternity offers no beginning or end, it makes sense to make good use of your whole brain to regain as much clarity, concerning living life to the fullest, as soon as possible, which means starting right now.  And with that insight in mind ... here is my last train of thought for today:  Maintaining sanity depends upon gaining clarity, because a mind divided by denial is not a healthy place to dwell.   As to the success of my grassroots movement ... on the downside, gotta get those numbers up ... on the upside ... 76 nations and counting ... (When this post was originally published 76 was 58 ... suggesting why my strong sense of hope reigns supreme ...)
PS ... I tried to find a photo of an ostrich with it's head in the sand.  No luck.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

1094 (28C) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 37

As you may have noticed, yesterday's post is missing in action
I chose to place it in drafts for this reason:
Though yesterday held promise of being a five star day
As morning became afternoon, I experienced a hard day's night
Once the day darkened and I'd read much of which had originally been written
I couldn't believe that I'd seen fit to publish that post
Perhaps while writing, I was unaware of emotional turmoil
Bouncing around inside my head for these reasons:
Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's passing and
While standing in the cemetery, the reality of
Both of my parents, at rest, side by side
Felt so surreal that I still can't believe it's true, suggesting that
I've not come to accept the fact that both are gone for all time
Secondly, we received a call from David, who thank God is fine …
While driving on the freeway, going 70 mph, he blew a tire
Blew a tire at 70mph—as I said—thank God he's fine
The fact that his car was totaled did not faze us, at all
The fact that upon swerving out of control on the freeway
His car hit nothing and nothing hit him suggests that
Lady Luck smiled on our youngest son
And though, thanks to our line of control
Our family went straight into solution seeking mode
My digestive system took a tumble, suggesting that
Unresolved subconscious fear, concerning
Yesteryear's accident, which came close to putting out my lights
Must have slipped out of a dark pocket in my mind, causing
Physical sensations of reactiveness to crash through my defensive wall
At any rate, once that which had originally been published was reread
I withdrew that post, which
I've not yet had a chance to edit for this reason:
I was unable to connect to the internet, all day, today
Though that offered my mind reason to rest, I'm still tired
You see, yesterday I awakened with reason to enjoy a five star day
Then I stood before my parents' graves, wrestling with reality
And frustration hit hard as I came to see that
No amount of percolating could come up with
A simple plan to bring them back to earth
That night I must have wrestled with quite a nightmare
Because Will had to comfort me as
I'd cried out in my sleep—multiple times …
I figure that two fears emerged and crashed head on …
Do you remember the subconscious fear that
Compelled me to buy an extra grave?
Had I not reread the jumbled post I'd authored ...
Had my disgestive system not tumbled upside down ...
Had my crying out in the dark of the night not awakened Will …
I'd have no clue as to how distressed I must have been, deep inside …
Thank goodness, today proved quiet and peaceful, and
Tomorrow, I'll look forward to enjoying the five star day that
I'd thought to be mine, yesterday …
Uhh—hold the phone—on second thought
Yesterday was a five star day, after all—
David blew a tire at 70mph and walked away without a scratch!
Each time fear makes a jumble of my thought processors' ability to
Amplify simplicity over confusion
I take a time out until the smartest portion of
My think tank sets fear to one side
Thus freeing my whole brain to re-consider
The bigger picture until positive focus
Offers me sound reason to rejoice over my good fortune:
Whereas David had a terrifying experience
My son is now excited about choosing a new car
As for me ... I feel thankful for
The power of objective reflection, which
Reminds me not to throw the baby out with the bath water ...

Monday, July 28, 2014

1092 (27) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 35

27
... Taking advantage of my mother's attentiveness, my soliloquy continues to process aloud:
“You know, Mom, when Will and I separated, it was impossible for either of us to get a grip on the main root of our problem without guidance.  And here’s why that’s pretty classic across the board ...we're just beginning to learn about the intricacies of the human brain.  Seriously, it can be so painful to uproot deeply buried insecurities that our defense systems set up mental blocks, which prevent us from mustering the courage to probe deep within our psyches.

Though the ego’s need for self-protection dates back to prehistoric times, Mother Nature offered human beings the gift of thought processors.  And since we've made excellent use of our think tanks to figure out how to propel mankind straight to the moon and back, it's crazy to think that as our brains have evolved, over millions of years, our defense systems are so complex that we go to extremes to focus attention away from traits that we're afraid to accept as our own.  Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Mother Nature had intended when she provided each of us with the—potential—to develop the solution-seeking portion of our intelligence to control our basic instinct to fight/freeze/or flee.

In fact, here’s a line of reasoning that explains why we all bamboozle ourselves to some degree:  If Mother Nature intends for evolution to keep rolling along then that which I've been eager to learn about the brain is in synch with the evolution of mankind in terms of each generation building upon the problem solving skills of the generation that came before—Hey!  That means each generation has been passing Socrates' baton forward, all along!  AH!  Now there's an insight that makes incredible sense! And making sense of nonsensical defensiveness feels great, because peace of mind is mine each time my sense of clarity and the universe feel centered as one ..."

Sunday, July 27, 2014

1091 (25/26) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 34

25/26
At some point my conversation with Mom swerves towards the golden years and late bloomers, so let's pause for a moment to touch on those subjects:  I believe we're all late bloomers in one way or another.  If you ask what makes me say that, I'd reply:  Life's lessons don't come in ABC order, so while you're butting heads with one lesson, I'm probably crashing into another—and as, over our lifetimes, no one bumps up against every insight that inspires us to better our lives, we tend to call those who seem to have awakened after sleep walking through one stage of life or another—late bloomers.  You know, like Rip Van Winkle.  Having expressed my belief that we're all late to bloom in one way or  another, let's push play and resume my conversation with Mom:
2002
"… my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way:  I believe we bloom in different aspects of life—each in his own good time.  I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to expand their mindsets and comfort zones, thus growing sweeter, more peaceful and wiser while others, who've not worked towards accepting the inevitability of changes, which we'd not choose, freely, grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of that person, who remains at odds with processing through classic stages of inevitable change, may withdraw, ever more sadly into seclusion.  As for me, I hope to grow attentive to those times when lessons, concerning mind expansion (which, at first, cause my equilibrium to unbalance), beckon, repeatedly, for sound reason.  And knowing how readily inner conflict gives rise to defensive reactions, I focus consciously to hold onto my sense of solution-seeking logic, which would otherwise succumb to my basic instinct to fight/freeze/or flee.
At this point, Mom jumps in with, “Annie, how many people do you know who think like that?”
“Actually, Mom, more people, now, than ever before.  There's so much self-help information at our finger tips, concerning disengaging from power struggles, today.  I believe that at all ages, both genders hunger for emotional intelligence in hopes of connecting with others meaningfully by embracing reality over the ‘perfect show’.  Thank goodness the media is drawing the bell-shaped curve into the future, where a wealth of knowledge waits to be absorbed concerning the fact that denial prevents us from identifying the crux of our problems.  Rather than waiting impatiently for knowledge, concerning false fronts, to grow widespread, I chose to be part of the solution by penning hard won lessons that empower me to take control over my life.  It's my hope that by telling stories, ladened with insight, others will examine their attitudes, expand their mindsets, and consider the wide selection of choices that separate polar opposites, such as selfishness from selflessness.  Socrates pleaded with his peers to know themselves, centuries ago.  Rather than approaching my peers, I tend to share my thoughts with a younger crowd, whom I've begun to call The Self-help Generation.
Needless to say, early trauma isn’t the only factor that causes a person’s emotional center to shift.  Too much of anything can unbalance clarity, concerning our hold on reality.  Kids can be raised with too much money, or too much poverty. Too much criticism—not enough encouragement.  Too much coddled smothering, or too few smiles and hugs.  Too much attentive nurturing from one parent while feeling ignored, invisible, and constantly disappointing to the other.  Each time the bell shaped curve comes to mind, I envision the silent majority playing it safe by huddling, together, sticking as close to that which is widely accepted as possible:  If insecurity narrows our comfort zones then sheep, seeking safety in numbers, grow subconsciously fearful of expressing themselves, openly, as unique individuals.   Most people do not think of themselves as belonging to the animal kingdom, but all of us do.  When the herding instinct causes existential needs to repress over long, we bitesniff, and pounce like hungry beasts—because LIFE is our jungle, and when we're hungry to satisfy unmet needs, logic succumbs to survival instincts, which rule supreme.  *Though it's true that all animals adhere to the theory of ‘survival of the fittest’, I’ll bet few people have a clue as to how naive our intelligent minds prove to be.  I remember a remark uttered by one of our guy friends, newly married for the second time:  ‘My new wife doesn’t have any baggage; what you see is what you get.’  I remember thinking, ‘Yeah, right.  You’ve met the ‘perfect’ Juliette.  Good luck, Romeo.’ ”
If you watch stars (?) on reality shows, flinging passive-aggressive put downs, left and right, you play witness to how blind we tend to be to those times when our baggage is hanging out in plain sight.  I can't 'stomach' reality shows.  Why?  I see defensive insecurity hanging out, wherever I go.  When I find myself channel surfing, while relaxing in front of the T.V., I'm looking to enjoy a bit of down time that doesn't irritate my intelligence.  Since reality shows make me think about my work, both personally and professionally, I click them off as fast as insulting remarks, devoid of self discipline, tact, or compassion, flash across the screen.  Imagine a CPA, sitting down to relax, watching a show called TACKLING TAXES, during the month of March!  Ha!  Not gonna happen!  How about a surgeon, surfing channels after a twelve hour day in the O/R … how often might he choose to watch this show:  BOTCHED SURGERIES GO TO COURT.  Think never.
By the way, I've decided to give my perfectionistic tendencies a break.  I've given up on the idea of back tracking to the beginning of my blog to clean up posts written, long ago.  It's enough to clarify, today's train of thought before pushing publish and leaving the house with fun in mind.  Take yesterday:  Spent the morning enjoying two of my girls—one of whom is cutting baby teeth and was in need of a nap after lunch.  Wrote throughout the afternoon.  Rested at bit.  Cocktail-partied with neighbors—dressed in green—top'o'the'mornin'to all year lads and lassies (this post was originally penned in March)—followed by dinner with dear friendsYesterday offered up all that we hope the Golden Years will provide, more often than not.  Though life and decisions are known to change on the spin of a dime, my most important values remain consistently grounded with a hint of wiggle room, providing for personal growth, so here's my new posting plan:  I'll continue to write and edit recent posts with attention to detail—because attention to detail proves necessary to my peace of mind.  As to posts penned, long ago, I'll relax with this fact:  Yesteryear's unedited complexities are a thing of the past … Ahh! That change in my attitude simplified my to-do list by erasing a mental weight, which had been carried forward by the perfectionistic portion of my mind.
2014
As for now—I'll press publish and enjoy the warmth of the sun while relaxing my body and mind on the glider situated on the redwood deck leading up to the forest green front door of my magic place, which had faced a dirt road until recently when our community of cabins decided to pave it.  Our rustic, cozy cabin, surrounded by tall Ponderosa Pines, has offered our family weekend getaways for more than thirty five years.  Every now and then,  Will and I look forward to driving up with Steven and Celina, and as summer in the desert is hotter than blazes, we four spent this weekend enjoying the cool breeze offered up by our forest retreat, where it's a given that our spirits rejoice in change for the better 

Saturday, July 26, 2014

1090 (23) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 33

23
2002 
"Mom think about Grandma Ella.  Her defense system was huge.”
“And how!”
“The size of Grandma’s ego made it impossible for her to admit to any mistakes.  Since Grandma couldn’t admit to being wrong she'd go on and on until the other person gave up in exhaustion.  Then, her defensive wall denied her access to humility, so she couldn't approach anyone, whom she may have insulted in the heat of the moment, to say, ‘I’m sorry’, later.  Even if Grandma had wanted to make amends, the power of her persona locked humility behind denial, which is why Grandma would walk out of her bedroom, 'acting' as though nothing had happened, and all was well.  The persona 'acts' as the ego's cover when it's impossible to reconnect without pretense.
Actually, Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which protected the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz from being detected by the world at large.  Big voice.  Lots of bluster indicating less inner strength behind the mask than we'd think.”
As one insight leads to another, this line of reasoning continues to process through my mind while I muse, silently, over this next train of thought:  If false pride masks subconscious vulnerabilities from oneself then the persona must serve as a shield that cloaks reactions, like embarrassment or resentment, in the aftermath of conflict where displays of temper decimate mutual respect.  So—if a true sense of pride is catalyzed by success—then false pride must cover an intuitive sense of failure.  As it seemed best not to express my belief that my Grandma's sense of self depended upon retaining control over my mother, I turned toward Mom and chose to say this, instead:
“You know, Mom, it’s far from easy to reprogram a middle-aged brain."
"Well, why in the world would we want to do that?"
"Because of how often we fail to identify those times when our egos are doing the listening, yakking, blaming and squawking.”
“Annie, wait a minute.  You're losing me.  I need an example to help me understand what your ego sounds likes when it's listening or talking.”
“Hmmm—okay ... Ah!  Here's an example of a really naïve statement that flew out of my ego’s mouth.  This took place several years ago at a Bat Mitzvah.  Will and I had just come back together after our separation, and I was telling Aunt Risa (Brad’s mom) about love lessons that Will had been in need of learning when she interrupted with, ‘Annie, I keep hearing about Will’s lessons.  Didn’t you have lessons to learn, as well?’  Later, upon reflection, my face flushed with chagrin at how glibly I’d replied:  'I’d already learned my lessons; Will was catching up.'  Though it's true that I’d embraced countless insights into communicating openly and compassionately during the years that Will was absorbing information that interested him, my answer signaled an egocentric attitude, suggesting that I'd already mastered every love lesson worth digesting.  *Upon reflection later that day, it dawned on me that by answering off the top of my head, I'd dismissed this vital fact:  *We're offered countless opportunities to welcome (or ignore) classic lessons, which inspire personal growth, at every stage of life.  So there I was, alone in my hotel room, feeling chagrin at how naïve a well-educated, intelligent, middle aged brain can be—especially when the egocentric portion of that brain belongs to me!”
      After listening to the humbled response I'd offered to Aunt Risa, a warm smile spreads across Mom’s face while I go on:  ”Aunt Risa received my original response, because *my first thought’s not always my best thought.  I mean, Will did have a lot to absorb about self awareness, but so did I.  And here's why that proves true, today:  When it comes to absorbing insight into love and life, lessons concerning change for the better are as numerous as snowflakes during a whiteout.  Instead of tapping into the inquisitive part of my mind, which quests toward insight into deepening my self awareness, the narrow focus of my original response came straight from 'the communication's instructor’.  On the up side, reflection, opened my eyes to recognizing the way that egocentricity, which had narrowed my limited view point, upstaged intelligent thought.  So, the next time I saw Aunt Risa, I chose to revisit our conversation, and express my expanded views.
Today, while entertaining thoughts, concerning love or life, I consider this fact:  *We're each born with the potential to absorb insights, which deepen self awareness, at every age and stage.  In fact, my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way:  I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time.  I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of this person, who remains at odds with our need to create change for the better, may withdraw ever more sadly into a close minded attitude rather than consciously choosing to fully appreciate whatever fate offers up that may surprise our sense of joy.
“Annie, we’ve lost so much by my age, how can we not grow sad”
At that, I'm reminded of this fact, which stirs my compassion:  Mom, living alone for the first time in her life at the age of 89, must spend the greater part of each day alone in her condo, grieving over the loss of my dad as well as her entire generation (except for Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa).  So initially, my compassionate reaction acknowledges the depth of her loneliness and grief with a heartfelt, “Mom, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel."  Then after we hug and swing, side by side, lost in thought for a bit, I continue with, "You may think me naïve for suggesting this thought, but, here it comes ... *Though it's true that I've not experienced all that you have—yet—if I'm the one who lives the longest then common sense suggests I'll need to factor luck, fate, and choice into my decisions, so I can figure out how to accept—the unacceptable and move forward.  Otherwise, grief will seize control of my mind and shrink my spirit's capacity for joy.  I mean, look at it this way, Mom:  *Just as teens do not develop physically at exactly the same time, many aspects of emotional growth develop within each of us, at different times, for countless reasons.  As change and conflict go hand in hand, changes, which we'd not choose, are bound to cause frustration, inner conflict and fear, and calming frustration (coupled with loneliness, conflict and fear), effectively depends upon opening our minds to guidance. You know—like we go to the doctor when our bodies are out of sorts.  So why not seek guidance when our spirits are at half mast?  Remember when you wanted Dad to go for help?"
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some people don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed this with each of my kids:  *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously.  *When insights concerning love or life are absorbed, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's.  Since life offers each of us different experiences, here's what I've come to believe:  *You learn from this experience, and I learn that experience, and when we choose to listen openly and learn eagerly from each other, we grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yesexactly—as long as both heads choose a non-defensive track.  I think it’s tragic when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive.  *In fact, I wonder how often we treat strangers with a deeper sense of respect than those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too defensive to recognize when an attitude, sizzling with disrespect, slings insults, back and forth.... when that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ...I mean sling a subtle put down at a friend too often and watch a growing sense of self respect direct his intelligence to make a U turn in hopes of driving toward an open highway leading toward change for the better.  Mom, I heard about a grief group that's supposed to be very helpful.  I'd like you to go with me ..."
PS
In case you think that while editing yesterday's post I didn't add insights ... please think again.  And if you wonder why I don't edit before posting ... I'd reply:  I do.  More than once.  Then, while reading that which has been written and posted, my think tank finds reason to edit several times more.  If you saw what my raw stream of consciousness was like ... well, seriously ... don't you know me, already?

Friday, July 25, 2014

1089 (22C) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 32

22C
2002
As Mom's interest hasn't wained, I continue with: 
*Our minds are bombarded with mixed messages, everywhere we go.  That's why clarity, leading toward change-for-the-better, occurs one insight at a time."
“So, how do you separate real pride from 'false pride’?”
*“Well—pride describes a self assured sense of satisfaction, based in success, whereas false pride describes insecurity, hiding a sense of failure behind a screen.  *False pride is my ego’s shield.  *False pride marches out on it's own at those times when my persona, masking subconscious insecurity, grabs control over my brain, and denial suggests all is fine when it's not.  *When an emotion like fear or anger hides behind a self protetive shield, tension zings back and forth across a room.  In short, everyone senses pretense in the air, but rather than mustering the courage to open Pandora's Box, each person's persona 'acts' as though all is well while tip toeing around the elephant in the room  Then, in order to level the playing field, each persona 'views' the other person’s traits as darker or weaker than one's own.  As long as the mind believes this pretense (distortion of deeper truth) to be true, guess which part of the brain is controlling our trains of thoughts?”
At this point, Mom is quiet, and with furrowed brow, she ponders the brain's complexities.
As for me, my mind has tired of processing aloud, so I rest my wagging tongue and brain, which left on its own, muses back in time to the weeks leading up to my brain surgery, when the upside of my persona stepped in front of my anxiety, so I wouldn't scare myself half to death while lying in bed, hour after hour, waiting for the day when the neurosurgeon would literally open my head and take an in depth look at that which is self destructive inside—and now that I think about it, that's exactly what an astute therapist does without benefit of an anesthesiologist, scalpel, sutures and a recovery room filled with nurses, trained to ensure that I'm okay before discharging me to take good care of myself.
Within a few minutes, I grow aware of the fact that Mom's wheels are still turning when she asks:
“Annie, I just don’t understand how you sit a defense system in a time out chair.  I mean, your defense system is as much a part of you as your heart and lungs.  Can you stop your heart from beating or yourself from breathing?”
Laughingly, I reply:  Well, Mom, I can't stop my heart from beating or feeling, but, just as I can maintain conscious control over my breath, I can control my emotional reactiveness.  Think about it, Mom, when we're in public, we maintain emotional control, right?  So, here’s how I maintain control over reactions that prove egocentric in nature:  My ego, defense mechanisms and false pride, all of which define my persona, emerge as one.  It's this part of my brain that fools me into believing that I don't feel what I do feel subconsciously.  It's my defense system that blows so much smoke as to fog up my sense of clarity.  In order to stay true to my whole self at times when tension, born of conflict, arises, I concentrate solely on the problem at hand by charging the most intelligent part of my brain to consciously understand that which is causing inner conflict to divide my think tank in half.  Most usually, it's fear, frustration or anger that fogs up my mind.  Knowing that to be true, I take time out, to ensure that intelligence, rather than fear, makes my decisions.  As a double dose of tension messes up the free flow of positively focused conflict resolution, I work to identify the source of my confusion, and upon gaining insight into that which is fogging up my mind, clarity calms my tension, spontaneously.  Making good use of time out as a mind-calming technique is as important for the adult brain as is true for kids—and with practice, I've empowered my intelligence to tower over my ego instead of allowing my fear-driven ego to tower over others, whose insecurities may be cowering behind a facade of bravado—which serves to describe the persona.  As soon as I'm aware of that which has aroused my ire or fear, I can step back to reconsider the delemma before consciously calling upon courage to step over fear of pain or rejection so that intelligent thought feels free to seek solutions, again.  Generally speaking that works for me unless my persona is denying me access to an emotion, which is so deeply repressed that my defense system fools my intelligence into believing that the depth of a natural passion has cooled when in truth, reactiveness lies in wait to leap out and knock off my mask—again and again.
Each time two egos call upon their personas to repress their impassioned energy exchange, a double dose of false pride takes center stage; tension rises and humility takes a hike.  When we muster humility to sit our egos in time out, our masks slide off, exposing the vulnerability inherent in honest emotion, which pours forth so naturally as to free our hearts to seek solutions that offer sound reason to rejoice in soulful connection, at last.  Balance that free flow of emotion with logical thought and watch a plan shape up that calls upon self discipline to resolve a long-standing conflict, which otherwise remains repressed inside both minds for all time.  If it's true that egos need taming and personas need unmasking, and if the only ego I can unmask and tame is my own then common sense suggests taking time-out-on-the-spot in hopes of releasing humility to cut the bull shavings in half.  Then, in hopes of negotiating a win/win, I think of the other person as a teammate, rather than an opponent.  In short, the only defense system I can learn to control is my own.  Mom, think about Grandma Ella.  Her defense system was huge.”
“That’s for sure!”
“The size of Grandma’s ego made it impossible for her to admit to making any mistakes.  Since she always had to be 110% right, most of the conflicts in the house revolved around Grandma’s need to prove any opposing opinion as 110% wrong.  If Grandma’s false pride couldn’t admit to making mistakes then she couldn’t approach anyone, whom she may have hurt or insulted, to say, ‘I’m sorry’, later.  Even if every instinct inside Grandma had wanted to apologize … a mind, which has developed such a powerful ego, can't find the key to open the door where insight into the healing nature of humility, resides.  Any humility Grandma may have felt remained imprisoned behind the mask of her persona.  Grandma’s persona was like that false front, which hid the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz.  She sure didn't take her feisty self out in public, did she?  But she did let it loose when she was home with all of us.  *Whereas a true sense of pride suggests self confident steps leading toward mind expansion, preceding personal growth, false pride wallows in painful denial of any sense of narrow mindedness or failure to cooperate.  The persona, believing that all sense of blame in terms of causing pain is placed on 'the other guy', designates victims and villains.  Then, as it's classic for observers to make snap judgments, we turn into Hatfields and McCoys by taking sides.  If the bent of an opposing attitude remains negatively focused—over long—that pinpoints the primary reason why anxiety can rattle the bonds of a closely knit friendship until intimacy comes undone.  In the end—attitude really is everything, suggesting why we need to identify subconscious attitudes of insecurity or perfectionism, which narrows our scope, thus blinding our noodles from recognizing those times when we're blindly pushing joy away unnecessarily rather than seeking solutions that offer us brand new opportunities to embrace joy, wholeheartedly …”

Thursday, July 24, 2014

1088 (22B) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 31

22B
2014
Sorry for not showing up, yesterday.  Though my mind was too occupied with life to do more than edit yesterday's post, I did jot down three thoughts that keep my effectiveness on track during conflict resolution:

Humility is the opposite of ego—suggesting my eagerness to peel away at denial
Self respect is the opposite of false pride, which pretends all's well when it's not
Mutual respect opposes flinging passive-aggressive put downs, back and forth

While editing yesterday's post, specific communication tools came to mind.  As these tools encourage us to focus on mutual respect in the heat of the moment while resolving conflicts, I slipped them into yesterday's post wherever they seemed appropriate.  Actually, we make use of these tools during business negotiations but forget to rein in emotional reactiveness when conflict erupts in our personal lives.  Generally, here's what happens:  Once we arrive home to find a conflict awaiting resolution, the lid that contained frustration stewing inside us at work pops off, and suppressed emotional reactions boil over and rush forth.  Then we slip on the mask of false pride, so Dr. Jekyll can deny the fact that Hyde leaps out and slinks back inside—and knowing how often we deceive ourselves concerning who we prove to be as a whole, here's a cautionary word to the wise:  If you decide to review post 1087, today's post will make more sense—and in order not to raise your ire, I'll keep today's post brief—so do we have a deal?  (Insight into your smarts suggests your answer is—Yes—so let's back track before moving forward …)
2002
Now, where were we?  Oh yes, I was saying:
"Often times, people are blind to where their perceptions are too narrow or egocentric to recognize when the underlying needs of others may be equal to or greater than our own.  *It’s impossible to remain ‘close’ with a person whose perceptions darken my traits, repeatedly, while denying anything of Dorian Gray, reflecting back from their mirrors.  *In the absence of humility, the ego remains closed minded to personal shortcomings or perfectionistic tendencies, and once denial becomes a way of life, intimacy wains and conflict resolution fails.”
Then, Mom said:
“Tell me more about humility.”
So I answered with:
“Okay.  But first, I need a glass of water.  Want one?"
"Sure."
"Okay, don't go away.  I'll be right back."
Once I hand Mom her water and sit down beside her, my mind swings straight into expressing this train of thought concerning humility:
*When a relationship grows emotionally intimate, both people feel so safe (mutually respected) as to openly admit to times when each may have been less generous or less sensitive to the other person’s needs.  Though privacy proves necessary and discretion proves smart, intimacy is determined by how naturally two people connect on every level.  *As human nature has two sides, everyone harbors egocentric (jealous or insecure) tendencies, which slip out, from time to time.  *As it’s tough to own up to those tendencies when our egos are doing their best to deny ownership of undesirable traits, it's not easy for intelligence to set our egos aside in order to muster the humility and courage necessary to expose the depths of our vulnerabilities with little clue as to how that which we feel may be received.  In truth, most of us shield our vulnerabilities behind the persona that blinds the conscious mind from accepting this fact:  At times, the strongest warrior/kindest person/wisest soul in the room proves as vulnerable to egocentricity as anyone else.
*By placing my ego aside during conflict resolution, I consciously embrace humility in this way:  My mind musters the courage to recognize where my train of thought may be assumptive.  If reflective thought proves my assumption to be inaccurate, I minimize my humiliation by offering a sincere apology on the spot.  In this way, I can forgive my egocentric imperfections thus maintaining a calmly grounded sense of self esteem, suggesting my ability to balance emotion with logic in the heat of the moment.  Just as attitude is everything, the same proves true of timing, balance and objectivity.  *Each time I work consciously to combine self awareness with objectivity, my compassion for human vulnerability reminds me to respect needs, all around, and all around suggests including my needs, as well. If I negate my basic needs, I deny my sense of self.  When two people enter into negotiations without humility, guess what throws conflict resolution off track?"
"I have no clue."
"*Well, the opposite of humility is—false pride.  False pride cloaks insecurity and apologies behind denial.  *False pride, defensive masks and denial are several ways to describe the persona, which blinds us from identifying emotions, repressed behind the masks that we don't know we wear, as in—Have you got a clue, or is your brain still fooling you?  *In recent years, we've grown aware of the importance of listening attentively and speaking skillfully, both of which depend upon sensitivity, clarity and patience.  *Listening acuity and speaking with articulation can be difficult skills to acquire for this reason:  We have too many mixed messages crashing like bumper cars inside our heads.  For example:  Be true to those you love/be true to yourself.  Communicate openly and speak your mind/if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  When we stop to consider the mass-of-mixed-messaged-madness that's drummed into the heads of children, everywhere, it's a wonder that we haven't driven ourselves completely crazy with confusion.   *Mixed messages mess with the most intelligent minds in the room.  *The more mixed messages a mind absorbs during childhood, the more mixed up our thought processor becomes while engaging in conflict resolution, as adults.  If you are paying attention to one message while the other person is paying attention to the opposite message, mayhem results.  When emotional mayhem remain unresolved, we separate—unnecessarily.  At those times when we throw ourselves a pity party, we've lost sight of objective thought.
"That's a lot to take in, Annie!"
"I know, Mom.  I know …  

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

1087 (22A) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 30

22 A
2002
Though Mom is not accustomed to engaging in conversations, concerning  emotion, repressed subconsciously beyond conscious awareness, she shows interest in listening to that which I choose to learn about our defense systems.  So when she asks me to explain what I mean by 'sitting on my ego', we swing for a bit until my mind offers up this reply:
 *"When someone lets me know that he or she thinks badly of me for 'this or that', I make good use of my Line of Control, which my imagination conjured up to caution me to sit my ego in time out, so I can listen up and think smart rather than allowing anxiety or anger to rise in defense of my character.  Once my mind feels calm, my whole brain is available to resolve conflicts by focusing solely on the problem at hand.  Rather than feeling 'put down', I clear my mind of defensive reactions by mustering the humility to question whether the other person has made an astute observation to which I've been blind.  If, upon quick reflection, I still feel misperceived, my calm response suggests how quick we are to judge the little that can be seen on the surface.  Then, instead of making the other guy squirm, I offer details that straighten out misperceptions on the spot.  By summoning objectivity to cut another person's negatively focused assessment some slack, I make good use of communication skills in this way:  My calm response directs our attention to the problem at hand.  Once both minds are attentive to problem-solving, tension is cut in half, suggesting that we can ask questions and offer additional details, which serve to expand the misperceived view of the person I prove to be.  Less tension, more logical thought, concentrating energy on conflict resolution, all around.   Each time I focus my energy on solution seeking, which proves positive in nature, I maintain the presence of mind to employ communication skills, which empower my brain to transform energy, directed at me, from negative to neutral.  For example:  First, I control my emotional reaction by sitting my ego in time out.  This stops my adrenal glands from flooding my brain with adrenalin that shuts down my thought processor, freeing basic instinct to fight, flee or freeze.  By consciously focusing my energy on solving rather than dueling, my listening skills sharpen, automatically.  As long as I maintain emotional control over my egocentric reactions, conflict resolution moves forward with attention to effectiveness.
If, as the future unfolds, this person's attitude demonstrates a need to misperceive my words, actions, motives and traits, repeatedly, then my mind shifts toward wondering why he or she needs to see me in a negative light.  In short, *I look to see whether this person feels so insecure in my presence as to look for ways to put me down in hopes of leveling the playing field."
"So, does ‘sitting on your ego’ stop you from getting mad?”
“Well, let's say I've learned to maintain my composure by taming my anger or fear—I mean, it's natural for my ego to feel irritated when misperception gets in my face, again and again.  If I could actually banish my anger, all together, then it wouldn't be necessary to call upon my line of control to sit on my impassioned reactions.  With practice, I've programmed my brain to calm anxiety in the heat of the moment before my adrenal glands pump so much adrenalin into my blood stream that I can't direct my processor to think deep enough, fast enough, to save my life.
With practice and patience, I've gained the self-discipline necessary to monitor my emotional reactions so as not to fling a put down at someone who's just flung one at me.  *Instead of engaging in power struggles, I make sound use of my brain by placing my defense system in time out, thus controlling my natural instinct to fight, freeze or flee."
"I've seen you lose it, Annie."
*"Of course, Mom.  Holding natural instincts in check is not easy.  And practice doesn't make perfect.  If too much is going on, all at once, and if my energy source feels exhausted while balancing piles of stress that just won't quit, I may not be able to maintain the mental clarity that stops my ego from gaining control over my brain as a whole.  Just as with anything that's over used without relief, my Line of Control wears thin, from time to time.  Thank goodness, juggling that degree of mental pressure proves rare.  *For the most part, my Line of (self) Control has been conditioned to bench my reaction, calm my need to roar with frustration, and rest my mind until all of me—including my spirit—feels ready to reflect so deeply that insight emerges, naturally, again and again.  Once my energy source feels rejuvenated, my spirit fuels my mind with a natural surge of hopefulness, which inspires insight into change-for-the-better to remember 'the answers are inside us'—and each time we balance emotion with logic, an insightful plan, concerning conflict resolution, emerges—as though all on its own.  While the boys were growing up, I came to see how readily a long-standing conflict resolves once insight into a simple, heartfelt plan pops out of my well rested, positively focused mind.  As each plan concentrates on change for the better, my perspective brightens, and everything endured, previously, proves worth the effort (think: no pain no gain).  I mean, how often do we hear:  Get a good night's sleep.  Or:  Sleep on it.  I've come to understand that while my conscious mind is resting, my subconscious (which knows me more deeply than I know myself) is percolating away.”
"How many people think to do all of that, Annie?"
"Good question, Mom—the fact that adopting a self disciplined approach to conflict resolution is not one of our natural instincts fuels my passion for passing The Line of Control forward to those who choose to expand their mindsets in hopes of bettering their lives.  As to my 'losing it'—I've learned to accept this deeper truth:  Practice does not make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist.  With that thought in mind, I work to enjoy my life by consciously loosening up on my need to be perfect. That said, I still expect much more from myself than from anyone who hasn't worked to develop this habit of training the mind to remain so calm as to consider the validity of both sides in the heat of conflict.  At times when inner conflict feels exceptionally complex, I may reflect in time out for quite a while before a string of insights simplifies my state of confusion.  Once clarity is mine, intuition coaxes me to muster the courage to reopen the discussion for review.  Though conflict causes people to take sides, I see conflict as reason to brainstorm, together, suggesting that two open minds learn from each other.
“Do you think that people, who search for answers deep inside, choose friends who aren’t afraid to be honest with themselves, as well?”
“Absolutely.  In fact, during my separation from Will, my perspective concerning friendship had reason to deepened so much that the people I choose to open up with, today, have changed.  Believe me, Mom, it’s still difficult for a world-class pleaser like me to accept that I can’t please all the people I love, all the time.  Sometimes, an offer to help someone flies out of my mouth, which I immediately regret.  Sometimes, I feel as though my heart is the hub of a wheel with too many spokes.  *When I feel the needs of others pressing in too close, it’s hard to cut myself some slack if my needs conflict with theirs.  In fact, inner conflict spins my wheels like a gerbil in a cage, suggesting my getting nowhere fast.  When I have to say no, my spirit limps around, as though that word is empowered to slice off one of my legs.  In the aftermath of our separation, I began to pull away from friends who asked for too much, and then deemed me uncaring or selfish when I couldn't meet their needs.  And then, there were those who put me down and iced me out without asking one question.  During that deeply painful time, I had to call upon The Line of Control to silence my wounded ego's impassioned response, so often, that I actually felt waves of inner tension coursing through me while suppressing the depth of my anger.  Before we'd separated, my need to quell any build up of tension made me capitulate and consider only the other person's needs.  Now, I remind myself to consider whether my needs merit as much consideration as theirs.  And each time I feel the need to make that difficult but positive adjustment in terms of self respect, I breathe deep to fill my mind with oxygen while holding anxiety in check, so I can clearly, calmly and respectfully state my position and stand my ground—thus maintaining self respect and mutual respect, as well.  My views have become so grounded in logic that my need to roar is rare.  If I lose it, something, arousing my impassioned reaction, has invaded my peace of mind for much too long.  So many of us remain blind to where our perceptions are too narrow or egocentric or perfectionistic to recognize this fact:  *It’s impossible to remain ‘close’ with a person whose perceptions darken my traits while failing to see anything of Dorian Gray, reflecting back from their mirrors.  *In the absence of humility, the ego tends to be closed minded about personal shorcomings, and when that's true, intimacy wains and conflict resolution fails.  The opposite of humility is perfectionism.  As perfection doesn't exist, we make ourselves miserable by setting goals for ourselves and others that remain just beyond the perfectionist's reach.  With humility, we set high goals that can be achieved.”
At that point, Mom says:
“Tell me more about humility.”
So I answer with:
“Hmmm—okay.  But first, I need to get a glass of water.  Want one?"
"Sure."
"Okay, don't go away.  I'll be right back …"