Upon awakening this morning, these reflections arose from within my mind:
If asked to define a treasured friendship, the first word that comes to mind is trust.
Treasured friends TRUST each other to feel free to speak openly and clearly.
Uneasiness due to hidden agendas rarely ensues, because both choose to nourish each other's needs—wholeheartedly. A friendship that’s naturally nurturing is one in which both feel free to discuss undercurrents of confusion, fear, judgment or loss without losing sight of tenderness and compassion.
A trustful friendship frees itself of insecurity by voicing concerns.
Though it's common to feel confused or insecure, relationships begin to topple when negative energy builds up inside. As opposites attract—for good reason—differences create coils of tension, which left unresolved, will ignite.
When tension explodes on one side, grey matter balls up into self-protective rocks on the other. At this point, two defensive walls go up, and open doors of honest intimacy swing shut. As chilly spikes of silence hang heavy in the air, it's egg shell walking time.
As a child, Annie longed for a naturally nurturing, mutually supportive, friendship with another child.
Section 2
As an adult, I consciously worked to instill nurturing values within the hearts and minds of my children. In order to pave the pathways of my children's minds with a solid sense of mutually trusting support, I had to give them good reason to place their trust in me—consistently—not to be mistaken for unfailingly.
Though no one called me Mary Poppins, no one called me Mary Mary Quite Contrary. or shudder the thought—Mommy Dearest. You see, I'd been thrice blessed. In addition to making a study of positive discipline, I followed the excellent parenting model set by my mom and dad. And, when we throw my zany sense of humor into the mix, well—in all honesty—
It's not as though I never fail. I do. And when I do, I fess up. Apologize. Admit to what I'd needed to learn. When I'm confused, I ask for help in hopes of expanding my scope. (Upon asking a three year old what might keep him in bed, you'll be astounded by my child's reply.)
As life goes on, friendships in our family continue to deepen, because our egos know when to bow to the strength of humility. During heated moments, we all understand the wisdom of taking time out to calm down. We've also learned that during times of conflict two heads are better than one, when both remain focused on solution seeking steps, which keep our train of thought chugging along on a positive track. Rather than making assumptions, we ask each other questions:
What's the problem?
What 'rule' is in question
What's the consequence for breaking this rule?
At certain stages of life which 'rules' are in need of change?
Does the problem concern 'breaking a rule' or is a family tradition in transition?
As Jonah Lehrer explains on wired.com:
"An experiment—Lessons from a Faraway Land: The Effect of Spatial Distance on Creative Cognition,' done at Indiana University—found that students tackled problems better after they were told the conflicts originated in Greece or California, instead of Indiana." "Our surroundings constrain our creativity," concludes Lehrer. "It's not until we're napping by the pool with a pina colada in hand—when work seems a million miles away—that we suddenly find the answer we've needed all along."Though I saw no point in serving mixed drinks to my kids during time out, I used my thought processor to whip up a heartwarming cocktail by mixing together equal parts of love and logic. And often times, I'd sprinkle a bit of humor on top, thus making it easier for inexperienced minds to swallow the bitter herbs of negative consequences for negative actions.
As each of us learned to co-exist with a good humored semblance of order— more often than not—I'm convinced that meting out positive discipline with a calm-assertive, knowledgeable sense of warmth, creates an underlying foundation for friendship, based in trust, all around. (Stories later. Annie's only fourteen.)
Section 3
When the principles of positive discipline, self control and generosity of spirit go hand in hand with mutual respect—and a dollop of humor is plopped on top—that underlying sense of trust is less likely to switch tracks.
When choosing friends, a mate or raising children, we hope to develop a mutually respectful sense of open, honest intimacy in our homes. As opposites attract, disappointment awaits, because we're hardwired (for good reason) to choose mates raised with emotional values in direct opposition to our own.
Emotional values are patterns that we adopt during the years of our youth.
As many patterns are adopted at home, home needs to feel more than ‘okay’
The world can be a scary place
Life is messy and at times traumatic
During life's most dire trials home needs to be
More than a place to return to at the end of each day
Home needs to become the most emotionally secure place in the world
Thus during traumatic times priorities realign
So that eventually each traumatized heart and tortured mind
May feel encouraged to help each other's spirits lift from the fog
In this way does each soothes the other
Through the crushing reality of heartwrenching pain
This post is not meant to suggest that home always feels secure.
This post suggests that during life's most difficult trials
The functional family develops a sense of how to guide
Each person's train of thought
To chug along a positively focused track
For as long as it takes to tunnel through the darkest days of the maze
And as a result of insight inspiring this attitude of
'All for one and one for all'
Wounds too deep to see may heal, all around.
If 'home' is to feel mutually comforting, then this natural flow of mental support and trusting friendship is most important during life's most dire times.
Once a leader's compass is in need of repair, a leader with a positively focused compass takes over—or—the pack runs amuck and dysfunction runs wild.
Honest, intimate friendships do not skate over thin ice or tip toe gingerly on eggshells. During desperate times, honest, intimate friendships muster the courage to say what needs to be said. If coils of tension erupt and explosions occur, then we figure out what's taking place deep inside and help each other clean up our mess.
Section 4
Interventions on the part of trusted friends and family are not picnics.
Rather than skating over issues or walking on egg shells, trusting friendships break eggs, turn up the heat, and scramble the good, the bad, the ugly into a life that, ultimately, creates healthy paths, which nourish each person's needs—as much as possible.
This post is my recipe for serving up the kind of family life in which—ultimately—everyone works consciously and compassionately to encourage each other to take, one tortuous step at a time—through agony, through denial, through fear, through misinformation, through confusion, through anger, through separation—and as we tunnel through the nitty grittiness of each survival instinct, hopefully, one day, we'll stand, connected, tall and strong in the aftermath of trauma so devastating that 'normal' has changed forever.
Courage
During life's adventures is one thing.
Courage
In the aftermath of trauma is a Herculean feat
And who shall say
When another's courageous journey
Shall move
From one stage of devastation to the next
A sense of readiness is unique to us all
Some muster the patience to work quietly for years
Some levels of patience are less lasting, more quickly explosive
Some give their all till every last drop of energy has been wrung dry
And after resting, they tunnel until missing puzzle pieces turn up ...
Thank you, Socrates, for whispering Know thyself into my ear—
Amazing how listening to the spirits of sages
Offers Ah Ha! Moments to the weary minds of heartsick mortals
Regardless of whether you are courageously adventuring forth or currently tunneling through hell, I hope all of my family and friends feel my heart reaching out, speaking with love,
Annie
This really spoke to me. I have a close friend who I only lived within a short distance for a year (a little less, actually). We speak on the phone frequently, and are closer friends now that we ever were when we lived near one another. The trust that you speak of is the reason why. She is a safe place for me, and I for her. We can disagree, share unpopular beliefs, but at the end of the day, we trust and respect each other. It is such a blessing to have a true friend to share my true self.
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