Simply put:
Denial unleashes the ego to say or do whatever seems necessary to meet its needs.
Then Denial 'forgets' whatever has been said or done by revising history.
This gives the ego license to unleash, again and again—because as long as the conscious mind sleepwalks through stomping over the golden rule, the nicest people amongst us believe themselves innocent of any wrong doing. And as their conscience feels guilt free, there's no reason for repentance, so no apology is forthcoming.
All too often, the conscious minds of the nicest people believe that apologies must come from the other guy, because their egos will remember and bleed over that which has been said or done—for no reason (?) to them. All too often the defense systems of the nicest people in the world revise history in such a way as to white wash their transgressions, while darkening the traits of those who go nuts trying to make sense of nonsense that repeats, year after year.
Why doesn't anyone tell us that we can't make sense of denial until we choose to understand at least bits and pieces about the complex functions of our brains?
By the way, denial works just fine for many relationships—as long as both people remain blind to their roles. Denial works just fine as long as the conscious mind of the controller remains blind to its ego's need for control. And the conscious mind of the controllee remains blind to responding with robotic subservience. (Guess which role had been mine, once upon a time ...)
However, if something flies in from out of the blue, causing the conscious mind of the controllee to awaken and cast the cloak of subservience aside then everyone is shocked when all hell busts loose and home sweet home explodes into WWIII. In fact the only people who may not be shocked are those who've come to understand and ACCEPT this fact: We make subconscious agreements with each others. These subconscious agreements exist until the conscious mind awakens. At that point, the subconscious agreement, which the controller and controllee had unknowingly 'signed', becomes outdated. Once this subconscious agreement has expired, old rules of conduct are no longer valid.
As you can imagine, it's tough for controllers to relinquish subconscious control. And it can be just as difficult for a person, who'd felt at ease with a subservient role, to feel equal after having been conditioned to sit, fetch, bow, jump, walk one step behind and please the controller at the lift of an eyebrow.
When two people stumble, unwittingly, through this perplexing period of mind boggling transition, we can see why change takes time, courage, dedication, resilience, and above all, compassion and patience while the process of re-education carves out new pathways within two deeply confounded minds.
Let's imagine the transition of complex thought patterns as traffic jams. Let's picture collisions occurring on freeways where on ramps, off ramps and additional lanes are being constructed, all at once—no warning signs in sight. Now picture all of this reconstruction taking place without so much as a calm, knowledgeable, consistent reconstruction crew in attendance, redirecting traffic. As no one knows how to get on, how to get off, how to move safely, left or right, all we hear is honking horns and crunching fenders. In short, this is what happens each time two people fall in love and the thought patterns of two families 'blend'.
When Annie falls in love and gets married and she and her husband join each other's families, remind me to paint this same picture, again. Wait until you see their traffic jam of unrealistic expectations—crashing from one misunderstanding to another—year after year. In retrospect, it's amazing how long it took before these two subconsciously declared WWIII. In short, as you shall see ...
Assuming to know what another is thinking or feeling is a divorce in the making.
If you reread the personal strengths, listed above, then you may wonder why I placed compassion, patience and education at the end of that list. You see, I've come to understand that time and again the ego will resist any attempt to reeducate the pathways of the conscious mind. And here is why that's true: At the beginning of the re-education process, the nicest people in the world might have to admit to harboring vulnerabilities, similar to those that they consider fragile or villainous in others. So in order to keep self image intact, the Ego relies upon Denial to block the conscious mind from learning anything that might upset its apple cart.
Within Mother Nature's grand scheme, we're meant to visit Denialand during desperate times. However, once subconscious fear has mistakenly moved into Denialand, the mind is blocked from understanding the personal benefits derived from peeling defensive layers of denial away—by conscious choice.
If you'd like to know how certain relationships thrive in Denialand—well, let's remember that both people must unwittingly accept their dominant and subservient roles.
Once one person awakens then both must decide whether or not their love is worth mustering the courage to identify vulnerabilities in need of shoring up. When it comes to denial ... you shall see that:
When reality is too nightmarish to accept, Denialand serves as the dream world where the mind feels safe.
Any one trying to awaken a person in Denialand will be seen as a threat.
Learning to develop the sensitivity to encourage another to awaken is rare.
Just as controllees may be blind to their fear of facing the wrath of controllers, controllers 'forget' that their wrath is scary enough to instill fear.
So what awakens us to the fact that we've allowed others to maintain control?
Well, like I said, 'something flies in from out of the blue', which shakes up the status quo.
Once we awaken to reality, major change lies just ahead. Think—
New World Exploration
Colonization
Taxation without representation
The Boston Tea Party
The Declaration of Independence
Colonist vs. Native American Wars
Free education for all
Child labor laws
Slavery disputes
The Civil War
The Suffrage Movement
Pearl Harbor
Rosie the Riveter
Nuclear Power
Martin Luther King Jr.
The Civil Rights Movement
White flight
This land is your land; this land is my land …
The PILL
Free love
Shimmy out of your girdle
Burn your bra, draft card and flag
No fault divorce
Women unite
Latch key children
Kids spend more time in child care than at home
No free lunch
Woman's Right to Equal Earnings
Father's right to equal custody
Masses star struck with Athletes, Rock Stars, Movie Stars
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
Women on battlefields
Gay Rights
President Obama
As the world turns one change leads to the next
Major change leads to major movements
From horse, to Ford, to aviation, to the moon
Eventually, change affects us all
Like it or not—change is the only constant in life
Kids grow up and assert their independence
Life's a sunny day at the beach for only so long
Life leads to death or reversal of fortune—that’s a bitch
Denial offers the ego a false sense of safety
Life goes on—and so it goes
The five pounds I've gained are now ten
I'll diet for sure—tomorrow!
Who am I fooling?
What will fly in from out of the blue to wake me up?
Denim
My jeans are too tight
Life is great!
Reality is a bitch
The blame game is Denial at work
Want things to change for the better?
See what needs to change by asking—
Mirror mirror on the wall
What have I been missing, all along?
The blame game is Denial at work
Want things to change for the better?
See what needs to change by asking—
Mirror mirror on the wall
What have I been missing, all along?
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