This morning I awoke with questions seeking answers. For example:
What sense of distrust silenced my voice on that bus, in school with Joseph, or at home? That, my friends, remains to be seen.
If silence prolongs pain then how did silence become my—crutch?
At times silence indicates that the brain is trying to consider what's been said.
At other times, silence indicates that the brain is strangle the life out of emotions too painful to bear.
If silence strangles emotion then perhaps that's why we can't breathe when the truth struggles to emerge, but our sense of safety depends upon living a lie.
In order to feel safe, denial anesthetized me from feeling traumatized. But in truth the trauma was real, just the same. And what does unresolved trauma do?
Unresolved trauma injects the mind with—distrust.
What happens when denial forbids the mind from remembering trauma?
That's a good question. Working on that answer.
Some time ago my curiosity concerning the functions of the brain was aroused. And ever since then I awaken with questions concerning denial.
On days when I feel like a wounded animal, curled up in a cave working to heal, I sit down and write until a solid block inside my mind cracks open as though my brain is an egg. However rather than egg dripping down my face, guess what I feel? Repressed embers of emotion unblocking, emerging, releasing at last. As embers of fear or fury release, confusion clears and words, flowing with logic, appear on my screen.
At first, when slices of fear or fury unblock, my spirit feels vulnerable. On the other hand, exposing vulnerability is necessary for healing, so I place my faith in the fact that once my mind relieves itself of a burdensome weight, my spirit will, once again, float toward a peaceful place of repose. And thus does positive focus work in my favor at those times when I'm working to expunge an experience too complex and hurtful to have absorbed all at once.
This sense of relief, cleansing me of anger or fear, is not due to opening my vulnerability to 'you'. This state of repose is mine each time a mental block unlocks, thus expunging an honest slice of emotion (or a sense of accountability) which I'd stuffed.
If you'd like to know why I bare my process of healing for you—well—first of all I teach communications. By making an example of myself, I can demonstrate the impossibility of communicating honestly with others until we communicate clearly with ourselves. Also, it's healthy to unblock my mind, so I devour information concerning denial's effects on my life. Then, as the teacher inside me shares knowledge eagerly—and as I love to write—voila—here I am, waving white flags of friendship, each time I pop up on your screen.
And though I'd continue to write and publish, no matter who shows up, I hope you know how deeply I appreciate your showing up to 'read' me. Along those lines, I really wish to know more about you than 'stats' informing me which posts are being read in which nations, day by day. :-)
As to Joseph's second try at a kiss, some how that memory is taking it's own sweet time, chipping it's way through the rock inside my head that's not yet hollowed out enough to turn itself into an egg. So, I guess what I'm about reveal about myself, at this earlier age, still smarts too much for my mind to release this part of the story with clarity, empathy for Joseph, and the logic to forgive the innocent, but distrusting child, I was, for hurting an innocent, and more trusting boy, who, in his own way, had tried to make another move on blind, deaf, and dumb little me, which my state of blindness had missed ...
PS I say dumb, not as stupid, but as silent as a mouse when a tom cat stalks close by. Cat and mouse. No rat to be seen ... because:
Once positive focus removes dark lenses, hindsight readjusts to twenty twenty vision. So as soon as my comfort zone expands, I believe the next part of BACK WITH A BANG! will mow down that uncomfortable block in my mind.
As for now, I'll place my faith in the fact that while I'm going about the rest of my day, my brain's trusty, not at all dusty, positively focused thought processor will work at resolving this issue, all by itself, and so, my friends, I'm off! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment