I've often wondered at what point in my story I'd feel the need to reveal that moment when something flew in from out of the blue, thus changing 'normal' for me.
On the day when my sense of 'normal' changed—forever—I was too young to understand that life could spin from idyllic to horrific in less time than it took to pull my thumb from my mouth and race toward blood curdling screams.
On that day, when every smile I'd looked to for love and guidance disappeared into the dark side of panic, my terrified mind wandered into a maze that swallowed my identity whole. Having no clue of acquiring a need to hide from danger that might fly in from out of the blue, I was blind to the fact that people, who harbor subconscious fear of the unknown, strive to be too good to be true. On that day when life turned as dark as a black cat at midnight, Mother Nature deemed Denialand a safe place for a terror-struck child to hide out ...
In truth, how many adults can pinpoint defining moments when natural strengths are overcome by fearfully acquired traits?
In truth, how many adults consciously choose one trait over another during life's most desperate trials?
At a time when reality felt too dangerous for a tot to accept, my defense system opened a 'secret' door and ushered me down a path, where the conscious portion of my mind escaped any fear that threatened to overwhelm my peace of mind. As it had been my pattern to escape into this mind numbing maze way before the bully on the bus—sprung out of the blue—my forays into Denialand kept me clueless to the fact that my life and relationships could change as fast as revolving doors spin some toward safety while spitting others out into the cold.
Once 'normal' changed, irretrievably for me, it didn't take much more than a BOO for rocks of fear to rumble round my head, scramble my brains and lodge inside my throat.
The fact that I'd no clue of acquiring this terror of the unknown did not help me to 'know' my vulnerabilities, at all. When I was a child, anything that flew in from out of the blue—like Joseph's sudden clutch at twilight in the alley—alerted my fight/flee/freeze instinct to kick in.
As soon as alarms blared inside my head, my knee jerk reaction kicked 'danger' away. Next thing I knew, Joseph's hat, our budding romance, and my voice lay in the mud. By the time I'd taken my scrambled brain and thudding heart home, denial saw me smiling to think that having been kissed, I might now be the girlfriend of The Leader of the Pack!
As Denialand whitewashes certain details while darkening others, history is revised, and the conscious mind is deceived into believing that it knows what just took place.
In this way does Denialand make victims of 'villains' and vice a versa.
Since Denialand breeds unrealistic expectations, pipe dreams are bound to go up in smoke.
As to the chilly tête-à-tête we shared in the cloak room of our classroom, early the next morning, well, in order for you to understand the fast freeze that suppressed my voice whenever I got scared, I'll need to describe the reactions that ensued at that earlier time in my life when screams signaled the end of 'normal'—for me.
Actually, before you get a feel for how drastically changed my sense of 'NORMAL' became, I'll need to describe what my take on 'normal' had been, only moments before bags of groceries dropped from my parents' arms to the floor as they made a mad dash toward those screams. You see ...
Uh—wait—
My first thought's not always my best thought.
On second thought, it may be best to delay backing up until after we've tied up KISS AGAIN's loose ends. So rather than switching tracks to flesh in memories, which had caused fear of fate to storm round inside my head, let's consciously muster the patience to fill missing details into this story's holes. Then having described my start in life, we'll leap over my pre teen years and unveil my teen aged escapades in high school.
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