Ha! I think I've got it!
The next part of GO FOR KISS #2, refused to shape up with clarity while static disrupted my think tank's ability to process thoughts, logically. Then insight hit: I was being hard on myself. Subconsciously, I was giving myself a hard time forgiving myself for hurting someone I loved! So before I could process with clarity, I had to understand that fact and forgive myself for hurting Joseph.
In short, I had to forgive myself for having had no clue that he'd been hurt, too.
I had to forgive myself for hurting Joseph more than he'd ever hurt me.
Because, as you'll see, while I'd blamed him for causing me misery throughout Jr. High, he'd actually placed more trust in our friendship than had I. He'd certainly placed more trust in himself.
Years ago, I learned that we're as hard on others as we are on ourselves. And that makes me wonder: If it's hard to forgive our vulnerabilities for hurting others, then how hard is it to forgive others when their vulnerabilities hurt us?
Today, I learned that forgiveness has three parts:
At the first level of forgiveness, our spirits stop feeling angry or sad about another person's words or actions.
We forgive more deeply when we understand the psychology behind that person's and our own vulnerabilities.
We forgive most deeply when a person who has hurt us musters the courage to fess up and say sorry—this won't happen, again.
However, if another person remains blind to him or herself, the painful words or actions will happen, again. So upon identifying that negatively focused attitude in another, I find it smart to distance, unless I'm looking to incur the same painful interaction, again. No thank you.
On the other hand, once an intangible but consistent change in attitude takes place, I can take that leap in trusting that a new phase of an old relationship may begin.
And as I'd never meant to return Joseph's kiss with heartache, I forgive myself for hurting him.
Actually I've tried to find Joseph for years; so far no luck.
For years I'd hoped to ask for forgiveness for hurting—one of my best friends. For seemingly turning away with no explanations (which, of course, I couldn't have offered up, because at that time, I didn't know why I'd acted out any more than I know, now! Working on it.) Even so, today I absorbed the insight that I had need of forgiving myself. Mysteries are solved one clue, one detail, one day, one step at a time.
When accidents happen and someone gets hurt, and we realize we're at fault, we say sorry—unless our egos get in the way.
Though it can be quite a feat to place the ego to one side, when it comes to love, I've consciously practiced doing exactly that for quite some time.
Now that I've recognized my underlying need to clear my mind of undeserved guilt (static), I hope my ability to relate additional facts about my relationship with Joseph will flow out of my think tank, smoothly and clearly rather than as painfully as pulling teeth.
From time to time, I've dreamt about Joseph.
Restless dreams. Now I know why.
My mystery concerning Joseph
Is part of a deeper mystery
That took place before I'd ever set eyes on him
Joseph, I'm sorry for causing you pain
Joseph I'm sorry for missing your pain
And thus dismissing your experience
While nursing mine
Joseph, I forgive you for hurting me back
I forgive us both for being human, vulnerable, and
Blind to bigger pictures, which
Neither one of us could see
Today, I forgive myself
For having hurt a person I'd loved
Who'd been as inexperienced
At this stage of life as had I ...
Who'd demonstrated his desire
For a greater degree of intimacy
Than I had been able to graciously accept ...
Because fear of an old mysterious pain
Had unknowingly barred my way
From returning his kiss with my own
Have no fear, my friends
When it comes to the heart
I'm a well practiced detective
I'll get to the main root of this mystery, yet
When I do, I'll come to understand myself
With a greater sense of depth than ever before
And the more I understand the deeper my sense of inner peace
'Something' intangible tells me I'll enjoy sweet dreams, tonight.
We can call that 'something' instinct or insight or sixth sense or what have you ...
Hmmm—I wonder what part of my bigger picture I'm missing, right now ...
When it comes to life and love, we can only take one step forward at a time ...
If I take a positive step toward you will you open your eyes and see both sides of yourself or will you kiss me, securely, one day and find a way to subtly slug me, because of insecurity, the next? If I now recognize that as your pattern—with me—but you've not yet identified it for yourself, I'll keep my distance, because the game of 'come-here-go-away-I'll-embrace-you-today-pinch-you-tomorrow' doth not define a trusting friendship to me.
Friendship + Self trust + Positively focused attitudes on both sides = Mutual trust
Wishing you sweet dreams,
Annie
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