186 KISS AGAIN! PART 12b A STUN GUN

As for me
I remain paralyzed inside my house
A prisoner of fear


Fear packs the power of a stun gun
Fear blinds my eyes from seeing hope
Pacing back and forth outside my house


Fear blocks my voice
From saying
I'm too scared to show how deeply I favor you


Fear blocks my ears
From hearing
This signal in friendship's whistle ...


Come out.  Come out
I mean you no harm
I want to hold your hand


Fear blocks my mind
From sensing that
Joseph treasures our friendship as much as I do


Fear blocks my comprehension
From recognizing
That his glare matched my smack


Fear blocks my ability
To recognize those times when
Today's anxiety is of my own making


I'm so stunned by subconscious fear
That I'll not recognize
Joseph's return as a sure sign of his love for me


For decades
The defensive state of my memory
Will focus solely upon what happened to me


For decades
The narrowness of my perspective
Will dismiss the significance of what happened all around


For decades
Clarity will be lost
In this hazy, defensive maze


For decades
The opaqueness of fear
Will blind me to the transparency of Joseph's love


For decades
I'll fail to see how the opaqueness of fear

Knocks the truth on its ear

For decades

The opaqueness of my fear
Will twist the truth into something it's not


For decades
The opaqueness of fear
Will twist my negative view of Joseph's love into—hate


For decades
I'll have no clue that latent insecurity

Is at the heart of every mystery that bites me


Year after year

The opaqueness of subconscious fear will dismiss all sense of truth

Except for the fact that I'd been hurt—again


Picture me

Decades ago
A twelve year old girl, quaking inside my house


Picture me
Hiding behind the living room drapes
Peering anxiously at Joseph, pacing, outside our picture window


Picture me
Rejecting myself
While love paces hopefully within reach


Picture silent tears
Cascading down
My cheeks


Picture fear
Blocking me from seeing Joseph's hopeful heart
Pacing back and forth


Picture fear
Making me believe that Joseph is lurking
In front of my house—menacingly


Picture broken pathways within my subconscious
Misperceiving, misinterpreting, misunderstanding
Joseph's pacing for—stalking


What manner of distorted fear gnaws at my core?

What latent memory
Mistakes love and friendship for—danger and hate?

Though I think myself safe inside my house
Subconscious fear stops me from feeling secure within
For decades—until—


I'll grow up and choose to solve mysteries
By learning how to tunnel into my psyche
Where I'll retrieve one lost puzzle piece at a time


As you watch me
Peel self-protective defensiveness away—
One layer at a time ...


You'll see me gain inner strength by seeking guidance
Which will coach me to work at communicating courageously
With both sides of  myself


As a child of twelve
I'd not understood
The importance of unlocking my subconscious memory bank


As stories, concerning each decade of my life, unfold
You'll see forgotten memories pop up and
Slide into place, one by one


Each time I dive into the deep
No one will be more relieved then me
To see objectivity reshaping confusion into clarity


As stories unfold and negatively focused memories expand
A mature sense of realism
Soothes the rawness of subconscious pain away

Each time

The spongy side of my mind absorbs a 'new' juicy clue

You'll see me close in on solving a scary mystery

That Mother Nature thought it best for a child forget

And as I
Continue to peel away at
Confusing layers of fire and ice


You'll watch me muster inner strengths
Which I'd misplaced for many a year
After naysayers had dismissed the serious nature of my plight


Upon collecting and reassembling these lost puzzle pieces
One Ah Ha! moment
Will lead to the next


And though
I am still puzzled, today
As to why I'd cuffed Joseph instead of returning his kiss


Please note how injections of self trust
Calm my mind with this positively focused belief:
I have the strength to muster the courage to connect with clarity


And as I believe in my ability to tunnel toward clarity
My mind feels empowered to separate fantasy from reality

And thus is my sense of security self assured—right now 

While examining

Strength-invoking beliefs

Let's try this one on for size:

Let's say that while moving through a confusing time

I sense another person's need to level the playing field

By 'putting me down'

Instead of wasting my energy, staying mad
I place my faith and patience in
My problem solving skills


And as my energy remains focused upon
Solving this mystery, as to why another needs to put me down
My spirit stays strong


Though I can not tell
When you and I
Shall gaze into the pot of gold


I sense that at the end of my quest to figure out why

I answered Joseph's kiss by smacking his self esteem
The reason for my stormy subconscious reaction will emerge, at last


And thus, when layers of self protectiveness are peeled away
And I reach into that pot, you'll watch me muster the courage to
Stare down the mysterious eye of the tiger, once and for all


And what, I ask might make a psyche
Feel as peaceful, fully spirited and whole
As a positively focused outcome, such as that!


Once I've mustered the courage, necessary
To conquer subconscious 'fear of the unknown'
My voice will ring out with a jubilant—Whoopee!


Whoopsee!
I almost leaped from here, straight into high school
I almost forgot that I've not yet clued you in
As to why that second kiss was as shocking as the first!


How silly—
Or should I say
Forgetful—of me ...