Bid welcome to Columbia!
:-)
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
209 AT SOME POINT 'NORMAL' CHANGES—FOREVER
I've often wondered at what point in my story I'd feel the need to reveal that moment when something flew in from out of the blue, thus changing 'normal' for me.
On the day when my sense of 'normal' changed—forever—I was too young to understand that life could spin from idyllic to horrific in less time than it took to pull my thumb from my mouth and race toward blood curdling screams.
On that day, when every smile I'd looked to for love and guidance disappeared into the dark side of panic, my terrified mind wandered into a maze that swallowed my identity whole. Having no clue of acquiring a need to hide from danger that might fly in from out of the blue, I was blind to the fact that people, who harbor subconscious fear of the unknown, strive to be too good to be true. On that day when life turned as dark as a black cat at midnight, Mother Nature deemed Denialand a safe place for a terror-struck child to hide out ...
In truth, how many adults can pinpoint defining moments when natural strengths are overcome by fearfully acquired traits?
In truth, how many adults consciously choose one trait over another during life's most desperate trials?
At a time when reality felt too dangerous for a tot to accept, my defense system opened a 'secret' door and ushered me down a path, where the conscious portion of my mind escaped any fear that threatened to overwhelm my peace of mind. As it had been my pattern to escape into this mind numbing maze way before the bully on the bus—sprung out of the blue—my forays into Denialand kept me clueless to the fact that my life and relationships could change as fast as revolving doors spin some toward safety while spitting others out into the cold.
Once 'normal' changed, irretrievably for me, it didn't take much more than a BOO for rocks of fear to rumble round my head, scramble my brains and lodge inside my throat.
The fact that I'd no clue of acquiring this terror of the unknown did not help me to 'know' my vulnerabilities, at all. When I was a child, anything that flew in from out of the blue—like Joseph's sudden clutch at twilight in the alley—alerted my fight/flee/freeze instinct to kick in.
As soon as alarms blared inside my head, my knee jerk reaction kicked 'danger' away. Next thing I knew, Joseph's hat, our budding romance, and my voice lay in the mud. By the time I'd taken my scrambled brain and thudding heart home, denial saw me smiling to think that having been kissed, I might now be the girlfriend of The Leader of the Pack!
As Denialand whitewashes certain details while darkening others, history is revised, and the conscious mind is deceived into believing that it knows what just took place.
In this way does Denialand make victims of 'villains' and vice a versa.
Since Denialand breeds unrealistic expectations, pipe dreams are bound to go up in smoke.
As to the chilly tête-à-tête we shared in the cloak room of our classroom, early the next morning, well, in order for you to understand the fast freeze that suppressed my voice whenever I got scared, I'll need to describe the reactions that ensued at that earlier time in my life when screams signaled the end of 'normal'—for me.
Actually, before you get a feel for how drastically changed my sense of 'NORMAL' became, I'll need to describe what my take on 'normal' had been, only moments before bags of groceries dropped from my parents' arms to the floor as they made a mad dash toward those screams. You see ...
Uh—wait—
My first thought's not always my best thought.
On second thought, it may be best to delay backing up until after we've tied up KISS AGAIN's loose ends. So rather than switching tracks to flesh in memories, which had caused fear of fate to storm round inside my head, let's consciously muster the patience to fill missing details into this story's holes. Then having described my start in life, we'll leap over my pre teen years and unveil my teen aged escapades in high school.
On the day when my sense of 'normal' changed—forever—I was too young to understand that life could spin from idyllic to horrific in less time than it took to pull my thumb from my mouth and race toward blood curdling screams.
On that day, when every smile I'd looked to for love and guidance disappeared into the dark side of panic, my terrified mind wandered into a maze that swallowed my identity whole. Having no clue of acquiring a need to hide from danger that might fly in from out of the blue, I was blind to the fact that people, who harbor subconscious fear of the unknown, strive to be too good to be true. On that day when life turned as dark as a black cat at midnight, Mother Nature deemed Denialand a safe place for a terror-struck child to hide out ...
In truth, how many adults can pinpoint defining moments when natural strengths are overcome by fearfully acquired traits?
In truth, how many adults consciously choose one trait over another during life's most desperate trials?
At a time when reality felt too dangerous for a tot to accept, my defense system opened a 'secret' door and ushered me down a path, where the conscious portion of my mind escaped any fear that threatened to overwhelm my peace of mind. As it had been my pattern to escape into this mind numbing maze way before the bully on the bus—sprung out of the blue—my forays into Denialand kept me clueless to the fact that my life and relationships could change as fast as revolving doors spin some toward safety while spitting others out into the cold.
Once 'normal' changed, irretrievably for me, it didn't take much more than a BOO for rocks of fear to rumble round my head, scramble my brains and lodge inside my throat.
The fact that I'd no clue of acquiring this terror of the unknown did not help me to 'know' my vulnerabilities, at all. When I was a child, anything that flew in from out of the blue—like Joseph's sudden clutch at twilight in the alley—alerted my fight/flee/freeze instinct to kick in.
As soon as alarms blared inside my head, my knee jerk reaction kicked 'danger' away. Next thing I knew, Joseph's hat, our budding romance, and my voice lay in the mud. By the time I'd taken my scrambled brain and thudding heart home, denial saw me smiling to think that having been kissed, I might now be the girlfriend of The Leader of the Pack!
As Denialand whitewashes certain details while darkening others, history is revised, and the conscious mind is deceived into believing that it knows what just took place.
In this way does Denialand make victims of 'villains' and vice a versa.
Since Denialand breeds unrealistic expectations, pipe dreams are bound to go up in smoke.
As to the chilly tête-à-tête we shared in the cloak room of our classroom, early the next morning, well, in order for you to understand the fast freeze that suppressed my voice whenever I got scared, I'll need to describe the reactions that ensued at that earlier time in my life when screams signaled the end of 'normal'—for me.
Actually, before you get a feel for how drastically changed my sense of 'NORMAL' became, I'll need to describe what my take on 'normal' had been, only moments before bags of groceries dropped from my parents' arms to the floor as they made a mad dash toward those screams. You see ...
Uh—wait—
My first thought's not always my best thought.
On second thought, it may be best to delay backing up until after we've tied up KISS AGAIN's loose ends. So rather than switching tracks to flesh in memories, which had caused fear of fate to storm round inside my head, let's consciously muster the patience to fill missing details into this story's holes. Then having described my start in life, we'll leap over my pre teen years and unveil my teen aged escapades in high school.
207 TRAUMA COMPELLED ME TO WRITE THIS BLOG ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE ...
A home, where each feels
Safe to develop into oneself
Is one in which
The blame game
Does not pick up steam
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Anger is re-channelled
And expressed in healthy ways
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Insults, flung care/lessly around
Are consciously reduced
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
We hold ourselves accountable
And say sorry for our mistakes
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Safe to develop into oneself
Is one in which
The blame game
Does not pick up steam
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Anger is re-channelled
And expressed in healthy ways
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Insults, flung care/lessly around
Are consciously reduced
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
We hold ourselves accountable
And say sorry for our mistakes
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
The spirit does not fear or suppress
A rainbow of emotions
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Our spirits sing with joy for each other's successes
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Confusion or tears of sadness
Need not hide behind denial's smiles
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Fears are openly aired and support is consistent
Until courage is mustered and issues resolve
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
Consequences fit the 'crime'
At times when rules of conduct are forgot
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
The value of self control develops
Within one and all
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
We all know
What to expect
Until
Something
Flies in
From
Out of the blue
Our apple cart tips
And a shocking trauma
Causes each of us
To reevaluate
The rules, which have guided our lives—thus far
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which
An open minded sense of learning is on-going
And growth toward necessary change is embraced
A home, where each feels
Worthwhile, loved and safe
Is one in which—ALL—admit to making mistakes, so though—
The wheels on the draw bridge may need oiling, from time to time
ALL take TURNS ensuring that the bridge does not burn down
Friday, July 29, 2011
206 SCRAMBLED BRAINS OR SCRAMBLED EGGS
Last night I had the good fortune to spend time with a treasured friend.
Upon awakening this morning, these reflections arose from within my mind:
If asked to define a treasured friendship, the first word that comes to mind is trust.
Treasured friends TRUST each other to feel free to speak openly and clearly.
Uneasiness due to hidden agendas rarely ensues, because both choose to nourish each other's needs—wholeheartedly. A friendship that’s naturally nurturing is one in which both feel free to discuss undercurrents of confusion, fear, judgment or loss without losing sight of tenderness and compassion.
A trustful friendship frees itself of insecurity by voicing concerns.
Though it's common to feel confused or insecure, relationships begin to topple when negative energy builds up inside. As opposites attract—for good reason—differences create coils of tension, which left unresolved, will ignite.
When tension explodes on one side, grey matter balls up into self-protective rocks on the other. At this point, two defensive walls go up, and open doors of honest intimacy swing shut. As chilly spikes of silence hang heavy in the air, it's egg shell walking time.
As a child, Annie longed for a naturally nurturing, mutually supportive, friendship with another child.
Section 2
As an adult, I consciously worked to instill nurturing values within the hearts and minds of my children. In order to pave the pathways of my children's minds with a solid sense of mutually trusting support, I had to give them good reason to place their trust in me—consistently—not to be mistaken for unfailingly.
Though no one called me Mary Poppins, no one called me Mary Mary Quite Contrary. or shudder the thought—Mommy Dearest. You see, I'd been thrice blessed. In addition to making a study of positive discipline, I followed the excellent parenting model set by my mom and dad. And, when we throw my zany sense of humor into the mix, well—in all honesty—
It's not as though I never fail. I do. And when I do, I fess up. Apologize. Admit to what I'd needed to learn. When I'm confused, I ask for help in hopes of expanding my scope. (Upon asking a three year old what might keep him in bed, you'll be astounded by my child's reply.)
As life goes on, friendships in our family continue to deepen, because our egos know when to bow to the strength of humility. During heated moments, we all understand the wisdom of taking time out to calm down. We've also learned that during times of conflict two heads are better than one, when both remain focused on solution seeking steps, which keep our train of thought chugging along on a positive track. Rather than making assumptions, we ask each other questions:
What's the problem?
What 'rule' is in question
What's the consequence for breaking this rule?
At certain stages of life which 'rules' are in need of change?
Does the problem concern 'breaking a rule' or is a family tradition in transition?
As Jonah Lehrer explains on wired.com:
As each of us learned to co-exist with a good humored semblance of order— more often than not—I'm convinced that meting out positive discipline with a calm-assertive, knowledgeable sense of warmth, creates an underlying foundation for friendship, based in trust, all around. (Stories later. Annie's only fourteen.)
Section 3
When the principles of positive discipline, self control and generosity of spirit go hand in hand with mutual respect—and a dollop of humor is plopped on top—that underlying sense of trust is less likely to switch tracks.
When choosing friends, a mate or raising children, we hope to develop a mutually respectful sense of open, honest intimacy in our homes. As opposites attract, disappointment awaits, because we're hardwired (for good reason) to choose mates raised with emotional values in direct opposition to our own.
Emotional values are patterns that we adopt during the years of our youth.
As many patterns are adopted at home, home needs to feel more than ‘okay’
The world can be a scary place
Life is messy and at times traumatic
During life's most dire trials home needs to be
More than a place to return to at the end of each day
Home needs to become the most emotionally secure place in the world
Thus during traumatic times priorities realign
So that eventually each traumatized heart and tortured mind
May feel encouraged to help each other's spirits lift from the fog
In this way does each soothes the other
Through the crushing reality of heartwrenching pain
This post is not meant to suggest that home always feels secure.
This post suggests that during life's most difficult trials
The functional family develops a sense of how to guide
Each person's train of thought
To chug along a positively focused track
For as long as it takes to tunnel through the darkest days of the maze
And as a result of insight inspiring this attitude of
'All for one and one for all'
Wounds too deep to see may heal, all around.
If 'home' is to feel mutually comforting, then this natural flow of mental support and trusting friendship is most important during life's most dire times.
Once a leader's compass is in need of repair, a leader with a positively focused compass takes over—or—the pack runs amuck and dysfunction runs wild.
Honest, intimate friendships do not skate over thin ice or tip toe gingerly on eggshells. During desperate times, honest, intimate friendships muster the courage to say what needs to be said. If coils of tension erupt and explosions occur, then we figure out what's taking place deep inside and help each other clean up our mess.
Section 4
Interventions on the part of trusted friends and family are not picnics.
Rather than skating over issues or walking on egg shells, trusting friendships break eggs, turn up the heat, and scramble the good, the bad, the ugly into a life that, ultimately, creates healthy paths, which nourish each person's needs—as much as possible.
This post is my recipe for serving up the kind of family life in which—ultimately—everyone works consciously and compassionately to encourage each other to take, one tortuous step at a time—through agony, through denial, through fear, through misinformation, through confusion, through anger, through separation—and as we tunnel through the nitty grittiness of each survival instinct, hopefully, one day, we'll stand, connected, tall and strong in the aftermath of trauma so devastating that 'normal' has changed forever.
Courage
During life's adventures is one thing.
Courage
In the aftermath of trauma is a Herculean feat
And who shall say
When another's courageous journey
Shall move
From one stage of devastation to the next
A sense of readiness is unique to us all
Some muster the patience to work quietly for years
Some levels of patience are less lasting, more quickly explosive
Some give their all till every last drop of energy has been wrung dry
And after resting, they tunnel until missing puzzle pieces turn up ...
Thank you, Socrates, for whispering Know thyself into my ear—
Amazing how listening to the spirits of sages
Offers Ah Ha! Moments to the weary minds of heartsick mortals
Regardless of whether you are courageously adventuring forth or currently tunneling through hell, I hope all of my family and friends feel my heart reaching out, speaking with love,
Annie
Upon awakening this morning, these reflections arose from within my mind:
If asked to define a treasured friendship, the first word that comes to mind is trust.
Treasured friends TRUST each other to feel free to speak openly and clearly.
Uneasiness due to hidden agendas rarely ensues, because both choose to nourish each other's needs—wholeheartedly. A friendship that’s naturally nurturing is one in which both feel free to discuss undercurrents of confusion, fear, judgment or loss without losing sight of tenderness and compassion.
A trustful friendship frees itself of insecurity by voicing concerns.
Though it's common to feel confused or insecure, relationships begin to topple when negative energy builds up inside. As opposites attract—for good reason—differences create coils of tension, which left unresolved, will ignite.
When tension explodes on one side, grey matter balls up into self-protective rocks on the other. At this point, two defensive walls go up, and open doors of honest intimacy swing shut. As chilly spikes of silence hang heavy in the air, it's egg shell walking time.
As a child, Annie longed for a naturally nurturing, mutually supportive, friendship with another child.
Section 2
As an adult, I consciously worked to instill nurturing values within the hearts and minds of my children. In order to pave the pathways of my children's minds with a solid sense of mutually trusting support, I had to give them good reason to place their trust in me—consistently—not to be mistaken for unfailingly.
Though no one called me Mary Poppins, no one called me Mary Mary Quite Contrary. or shudder the thought—Mommy Dearest. You see, I'd been thrice blessed. In addition to making a study of positive discipline, I followed the excellent parenting model set by my mom and dad. And, when we throw my zany sense of humor into the mix, well—in all honesty—
It's not as though I never fail. I do. And when I do, I fess up. Apologize. Admit to what I'd needed to learn. When I'm confused, I ask for help in hopes of expanding my scope. (Upon asking a three year old what might keep him in bed, you'll be astounded by my child's reply.)
As life goes on, friendships in our family continue to deepen, because our egos know when to bow to the strength of humility. During heated moments, we all understand the wisdom of taking time out to calm down. We've also learned that during times of conflict two heads are better than one, when both remain focused on solution seeking steps, which keep our train of thought chugging along on a positive track. Rather than making assumptions, we ask each other questions:
What's the problem?
What 'rule' is in question
What's the consequence for breaking this rule?
At certain stages of life which 'rules' are in need of change?
Does the problem concern 'breaking a rule' or is a family tradition in transition?
As Jonah Lehrer explains on wired.com:
"An experiment—Lessons from a Faraway Land: The Effect of Spatial Distance on Creative Cognition,' done at Indiana University—found that students tackled problems better after they were told the conflicts originated in Greece or California, instead of Indiana." "Our surroundings constrain our creativity," concludes Lehrer. "It's not until we're napping by the pool with a pina colada in hand—when work seems a million miles away—that we suddenly find the answer we've needed all along."Though I saw no point in serving mixed drinks to my kids during time out, I used my thought processor to whip up a heartwarming cocktail by mixing together equal parts of love and logic. And often times, I'd sprinkle a bit of humor on top, thus making it easier for inexperienced minds to swallow the bitter herbs of negative consequences for negative actions.
As each of us learned to co-exist with a good humored semblance of order— more often than not—I'm convinced that meting out positive discipline with a calm-assertive, knowledgeable sense of warmth, creates an underlying foundation for friendship, based in trust, all around. (Stories later. Annie's only fourteen.)
Section 3
When the principles of positive discipline, self control and generosity of spirit go hand in hand with mutual respect—and a dollop of humor is plopped on top—that underlying sense of trust is less likely to switch tracks.
When choosing friends, a mate or raising children, we hope to develop a mutually respectful sense of open, honest intimacy in our homes. As opposites attract, disappointment awaits, because we're hardwired (for good reason) to choose mates raised with emotional values in direct opposition to our own.
Emotional values are patterns that we adopt during the years of our youth.
As many patterns are adopted at home, home needs to feel more than ‘okay’
The world can be a scary place
Life is messy and at times traumatic
During life's most dire trials home needs to be
More than a place to return to at the end of each day
Home needs to become the most emotionally secure place in the world
Thus during traumatic times priorities realign
So that eventually each traumatized heart and tortured mind
May feel encouraged to help each other's spirits lift from the fog
In this way does each soothes the other
Through the crushing reality of heartwrenching pain
This post is not meant to suggest that home always feels secure.
This post suggests that during life's most difficult trials
The functional family develops a sense of how to guide
Each person's train of thought
To chug along a positively focused track
For as long as it takes to tunnel through the darkest days of the maze
And as a result of insight inspiring this attitude of
'All for one and one for all'
Wounds too deep to see may heal, all around.
If 'home' is to feel mutually comforting, then this natural flow of mental support and trusting friendship is most important during life's most dire times.
Once a leader's compass is in need of repair, a leader with a positively focused compass takes over—or—the pack runs amuck and dysfunction runs wild.
Honest, intimate friendships do not skate over thin ice or tip toe gingerly on eggshells. During desperate times, honest, intimate friendships muster the courage to say what needs to be said. If coils of tension erupt and explosions occur, then we figure out what's taking place deep inside and help each other clean up our mess.
Section 4
Interventions on the part of trusted friends and family are not picnics.
Rather than skating over issues or walking on egg shells, trusting friendships break eggs, turn up the heat, and scramble the good, the bad, the ugly into a life that, ultimately, creates healthy paths, which nourish each person's needs—as much as possible.
This post is my recipe for serving up the kind of family life in which—ultimately—everyone works consciously and compassionately to encourage each other to take, one tortuous step at a time—through agony, through denial, through fear, through misinformation, through confusion, through anger, through separation—and as we tunnel through the nitty grittiness of each survival instinct, hopefully, one day, we'll stand, connected, tall and strong in the aftermath of trauma so devastating that 'normal' has changed forever.
Courage
During life's adventures is one thing.
Courage
In the aftermath of trauma is a Herculean feat
And who shall say
When another's courageous journey
Shall move
From one stage of devastation to the next
A sense of readiness is unique to us all
Some muster the patience to work quietly for years
Some levels of patience are less lasting, more quickly explosive
Some give their all till every last drop of energy has been wrung dry
And after resting, they tunnel until missing puzzle pieces turn up ...
Thank you, Socrates, for whispering Know thyself into my ear—
Amazing how listening to the spirits of sages
Offers Ah Ha! Moments to the weary minds of heartsick mortals
Regardless of whether you are courageously adventuring forth or currently tunneling through hell, I hope all of my family and friends feel my heart reaching out, speaking with love,
Annie
Thursday, July 28, 2011
205 REALITY—AT A LOSS FOR WORDS ...
Reality can be terrifying for sound reason. Last night we received terrible news. I felt like I'd been punched too hard in the stomach to breathe. I slept fitfully. Today, I'm short of breath. Anxiety.
A friend's son had an accident. In the ocean. He did not survive. This reality is too cruel for the heart, the spirit, the mind, the body, the soul. And yet, the reality of death is part of life. For our friends, every parent's worst fear has been realized. A truth too painful to bear. I cannot imagine ...
Something flies in from out of the blue. Life transitions through horrifying change. That which was normal no longer exists for those whose loss is too agonizing to fathom by we who have no clue what to do other than minister to our friends' daily needs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Desperate times call for inner strength
Desperate times call for the fortitude to do the unimaginable
Desperate times call for accepting (?) the unacceptable
Desperate times call for long lasting support from family and friends
At times we all experience desperate times
And while life goes on and on and on
Normal will change again and again
Normal will transition into something different
Normal will never, ever be the same
For those who suffer irretrievable loss
All who hear of our friends' unimaginable loss are compassionate
Hearts sadden Heads ache Chests constrict Eyes tear No words
All who've felt the anguish of such an irretrievable loss are empathetic
Perhaps they have the words ...
A friend's son had an accident. In the ocean. He did not survive. This reality is too cruel for the heart, the spirit, the mind, the body, the soul. And yet, the reality of death is part of life. For our friends, every parent's worst fear has been realized. A truth too painful to bear. I cannot imagine ...
Something flies in from out of the blue. Life transitions through horrifying change. That which was normal no longer exists for those whose loss is too agonizing to fathom by we who have no clue what to do other than minister to our friends' daily needs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Desperate times call for inner strength
Desperate times call for the fortitude to do the unimaginable
Desperate times call for accepting (?) the unacceptable
Desperate times call for long lasting support from family and friends
At times we all experience desperate times
And while life goes on and on and on
Normal will change again and again
Normal will transition into something different
Normal will never, ever be the same
For those who suffer irretrievable loss
All who hear of our friends' unimaginable loss are compassionate
Hearts sadden Heads ache Chests constrict Eyes tear No words
All who've felt the anguish of such an irretrievable loss are empathetic
Perhaps they have the words ...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
204 THE NICEST PEOPLE AROUND
The nicest people around
Play mind games
Because even the nicest of people
Have egos that slip out from time to time
And at those times
When the nicest people
'Forget' to check their egos
We're not as nice as we like to think
As
All egos
Are as slippery
As eels
It's best to
Get to know your ego
Or it will surely slip out and
Shoot you in the foot
And if you let your ego
Shoot your foot too often
You can be sure to
Get no place good fast
Since all of the nicest people
Have egos as slippery as eels
That's why we sing:
People are people wherever we go
As all egos slip out, including yours and mine
You'll find no victims or villains in my stories
Just family and friends
Doing our best to get from here to there
Sooo
If you ask me to define my take on
D E N I A L
I'd describe our need to ignore reality in this way:
Please don't ever notice
When I'm lying to myself
Because I need to fend off reality
So I can keep my self image intact
In short
It scares me to think of myself
As a kettle
Calling a pot black—sooo
I hope you won't mind
If my perceptions darken your traits
While white washing my own
Thank you very much
203 HOW DEEP DID YOU THINK?
Once reality stops scaring the WITS out of us, courage wins over _ _ _ _ _
D E N I A L
J
202 LET'S PLAY AGAIN ...
Once reality stops scaring the WITS out of us, courage wins over _ _ _ _ _
J
J
201 WIN OR LOSE?
Once reality stops scaring the _ _ _ _ out of us, courage wins over fear.
W I T S
J
200 THINK DEEP
Let's play hangman. Can you fill in the blanks?
Once reality stops scaring the — — — — out of us, courage wins over fear.
J
199 SOME MIND GAMES ARE FUN SOME NOT
Once we recognize fear
In the form of denial
We're less likely to succumb
To being manipulated
By subconscious mind games
That nice people
Don't know they play.
In the form of denial
We're less likely to succumb
To being manipulated
By subconscious mind games
That nice people
Don't know they play.
198 STRENGTH AND SENSITIVITY
One day while I was writing away, a young man, who is like a son, stepped into my office and opened his heart to me: I'm falling for a girl who can't decide between another guy and me.
I smiled to think about how often triangles spice up desire and suggested that he not allow another person's indecision to make him feel insecure, because insecurity loses for sure.
I went on to say that rather than insecurity, women are instinctively drawn to strength and sensitivity. Then I wished my young friend well and resumed writing.
Though this conversation occurred several years ago, I think I know why it popped into my mind after thumbing through Millan's book, THE PACK LEADER—
A calm-assertive pack leader is instinctively strong and sensitive in these ways:
A calm-assertive leader is strong in developing the courage to protect the pack as a whole.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively sensitive as to when to fight or flee a clear and present danger that threatens the pack as a whole.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively strong in inspiring the confidence of the pack to follow its lead.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively sensitive to those times when vulnerable members of the pack are in need of protection from aggression.
So what separates a calm-assertive pack leader in the lower animal kingdom from astutely thoughtful leaders of human beings?
The thoughtfully astute human leader makes good use of Mother Nature's gift of the Neo cortex in these ways:
The thoughtfully astute human leader seeks to identify personal vulnerabilities that weaken the leader's calm-assertive leadership strengths.
The thoughtfully astute human leader exhibits the sensitivity to encourage each member of the pack to succeed rather than putting the vulnerabilities of others down. And thus does the pack strengthen as a whole.
How can we know when a strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leader walks with assertive confidence into a room?
Any spirit, free of fear or envy, instinctively lifts.
This is not to say that strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leaders do not make mistakes.
One strength of a strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leader is accepting accountability for being as imperfectly human as the next guy.
The wise young man and his lovely wife are expecting their second child.
If a young man came to me with that dilemma, today, I'd revise my reply in this way:
Historically, the human spirit is instinctively drawn to strength and sensitivity.
I smiled to think about how often triangles spice up desire and suggested that he not allow another person's indecision to make him feel insecure, because insecurity loses for sure.
I went on to say that rather than insecurity, women are instinctively drawn to strength and sensitivity. Then I wished my young friend well and resumed writing.
Though this conversation occurred several years ago, I think I know why it popped into my mind after thumbing through Millan's book, THE PACK LEADER—
A calm-assertive pack leader is instinctively strong and sensitive in these ways:
A calm-assertive leader is strong in developing the courage to protect the pack as a whole.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively sensitive as to when to fight or flee a clear and present danger that threatens the pack as a whole.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively strong in inspiring the confidence of the pack to follow its lead.
A calm-assertive leader is instinctively sensitive to those times when vulnerable members of the pack are in need of protection from aggression.
So what separates a calm-assertive pack leader in the lower animal kingdom from astutely thoughtful leaders of human beings?
The thoughtfully astute human leader makes good use of Mother Nature's gift of the Neo cortex in these ways:
The thoughtfully astute human leader seeks to identify personal vulnerabilities that weaken the leader's calm-assertive leadership strengths.
The thoughtfully astute human leader exhibits the sensitivity to encourage each member of the pack to succeed rather than putting the vulnerabilities of others down. And thus does the pack strengthen as a whole.
How can we know when a strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leader walks with assertive confidence into a room?
Any spirit, free of fear or envy, instinctively lifts.
This is not to say that strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leaders do not make mistakes.
One strength of a strong, sensitive, positively focused, astutely thoughtful human leader is accepting accountability for being as imperfectly human as the next guy.
The wise young man and his lovely wife are expecting their second child.
If a young man came to me with that dilemma, today, I'd revise my reply in this way:
Historically, the human spirit is instinctively drawn to strength and sensitivity.
197 MAKING LIGHT OF DENIAL ...
A job applicant was asked, When it comes to leadership, what do you consider your greatest strength and weakness?
Well, my main weakness is my issue with reality—sometimes I have trouble telling what's real from what's not.
Okay, said the interviewer, and what is your greatest strength?
I'm Batman.
Well, my main weakness is my issue with reality—sometimes I have trouble telling what's real from what's not.
Okay, said the interviewer, and what is your greatest strength?
I'm Batman.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
196 DENIAL REVISES HISTORY SO WE CAN FEEL SAFE
So, how does denial cast it's magic spell over the conscious, intelligent mind?
Simply put:
Denial unleashes the ego to say or do whatever seems necessary to meet its needs.
Then Denial 'forgets' whatever has been said or done by revising history.
This gives the ego license to unleash, again and again—because as long as the conscious mind sleepwalks through stomping over the golden rule, the nicest people amongst us believe themselves innocent of any wrong doing. And as their conscience feels guilt free, there's no reason for repentance, so no apology is forthcoming.
All too often, the conscious minds of the nicest people believe that apologies must come from the other guy, because their egos will remember and bleed over that which has been said or done—for no reason (?) to them. All too often the defense systems of the nicest people in the world revise history in such a way as to white wash their transgressions, while darkening the traits of those who go nuts trying to make sense of nonsense that repeats, year after year.
Why doesn't anyone tell us that we can't make sense of denial until we choose to understand at least bits and pieces about the complex functions of our brains?
By the way, denial works just fine for many relationships—as long as both people remain blind to their roles. Denial works just fine as long as the conscious mind of the controller remains blind to its ego's need for control. And the conscious mind of the controllee remains blind to responding with robotic subservience. (Guess which role had been mine, once upon a time ...)
However, if something flies in from out of the blue, causing the conscious mind of the controllee to awaken and cast the cloak of subservience aside then everyone is shocked when all hell busts loose and home sweet home explodes into WWIII. In fact the only people who may not be shocked are those who've come to understand and ACCEPT this fact: We make subconscious agreements with each others. These subconscious agreements exist until the conscious mind awakens. At that point, the subconscious agreement, which the controller and controllee had unknowingly 'signed', becomes outdated. Once this subconscious agreement has expired, old rules of conduct are no longer valid.
As you can imagine, it's tough for controllers to relinquish subconscious control. And it can be just as difficult for a person, who'd felt at ease with a subservient role, to feel equal after having been conditioned to sit, fetch, bow, jump, walk one step behind and please the controller at the lift of an eyebrow.
When two people stumble, unwittingly, through this perplexing period of mind boggling transition, we can see why change takes time, courage, dedication, resilience, and above all, compassion and patience while the process of re-education carves out new pathways within two deeply confounded minds.
Let's imagine the transition of complex thought patterns as traffic jams. Let's picture collisions occurring on freeways where on ramps, off ramps and additional lanes are being constructed, all at once—no warning signs in sight. Now picture all of this reconstruction taking place without so much as a calm, knowledgeable, consistent reconstruction crew in attendance, redirecting traffic. As no one knows how to get on, how to get off, how to move safely, left or right, all we hear is honking horns and crunching fenders. In short, this is what happens each time two people fall in love and the thought patterns of two families 'blend'.
When Annie falls in love and gets married and she and her husband join each other's families, remind me to paint this same picture, again. Wait until you see their traffic jam of unrealistic expectations—crashing from one misunderstanding to another—year after year. In retrospect, it's amazing how long it took before these two subconsciously declared WWIII. In short, as you shall see ...
Assuming to know what another is thinking or feeling is a divorce in the making.
If you reread the personal strengths, listed above, then you may wonder why I placed compassion, patience and education at the end of that list. You see, I've come to understand that time and again the ego will resist any attempt to reeducate the pathways of the conscious mind. And here is why that's true: At the beginning of the re-education process, the nicest people in the world might have to admit to harboring vulnerabilities, similar to those that they consider fragile or villainous in others. So in order to keep self image intact, the Ego relies upon Denial to block the conscious mind from learning anything that might upset its apple cart.
Within Mother Nature's grand scheme, we're meant to visit Denialand during desperate times. However, once subconscious fear has mistakenly moved into Denialand, the mind is blocked from understanding the personal benefits derived from peeling defensive layers of denial away—by conscious choice.
If you'd like to know how certain relationships thrive in Denialand—well, let's remember that both people must unwittingly accept their dominant and subservient roles.
Once one person awakens then both must decide whether or not their love is worth mustering the courage to identify vulnerabilities in need of shoring up. When it comes to denial ... you shall see that:
When reality is too nightmarish to accept, Denialand serves as the dream world where the mind feels safe.
Any one trying to awaken a person in Denialand will be seen as a threat.
Learning to develop the sensitivity to encourage another to awaken is rare.
Just as controllees may be blind to their fear of facing the wrath of controllers, controllers 'forget' that their wrath is scary enough to instill fear.
So what awakens us to the fact that we've allowed others to maintain control?
Well, like I said, 'something flies in from out of the blue', which shakes up the status quo.
Once we awaken to reality, major change lies just ahead. Think—
New World Exploration
Colonization
Taxation without representation
The Boston Tea Party
The Declaration of Independence
Colonist vs. Native American Wars
Free education for all
Child labor laws
Slavery disputes
The Civil War
The Suffrage Movement
Pearl Harbor
Rosie the Riveter
Nuclear Power
Martin Luther King Jr.
The Civil Rights Movement
White flight
This land is your land; this land is my land …
The PILL
Free love
Shimmy out of your girdle
Burn your bra, draft card and flag
No fault divorce
Women unite
Latch key children
Kids spend more time in child care than at home
No free lunch
Woman's Right to Equal Earnings
Father's right to equal custody
Masses star struck with Athletes, Rock Stars, Movie Stars
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
Women on battlefields
Gay Rights
President Obama
As the world turns one change leads to the next
Major change leads to major movements
From horse, to Ford, to aviation, to the moon
Eventually, change affects us all
Like it or not—change is the only constant in life
Kids grow up and assert their independence
Life's a sunny day at the beach for only so long
Life leads to death or reversal of fortune—that’s a bitch
Denial offers the ego a false sense of safety
Life goes on—and so it goes
The five pounds I've gained are now ten
I'll diet for sure—tomorrow!
Who am I fooling?
What will fly in from out of the blue to wake me up?
Simply put:
Denial unleashes the ego to say or do whatever seems necessary to meet its needs.
Then Denial 'forgets' whatever has been said or done by revising history.
This gives the ego license to unleash, again and again—because as long as the conscious mind sleepwalks through stomping over the golden rule, the nicest people amongst us believe themselves innocent of any wrong doing. And as their conscience feels guilt free, there's no reason for repentance, so no apology is forthcoming.
All too often, the conscious minds of the nicest people believe that apologies must come from the other guy, because their egos will remember and bleed over that which has been said or done—for no reason (?) to them. All too often the defense systems of the nicest people in the world revise history in such a way as to white wash their transgressions, while darkening the traits of those who go nuts trying to make sense of nonsense that repeats, year after year.
Why doesn't anyone tell us that we can't make sense of denial until we choose to understand at least bits and pieces about the complex functions of our brains?
By the way, denial works just fine for many relationships—as long as both people remain blind to their roles. Denial works just fine as long as the conscious mind of the controller remains blind to its ego's need for control. And the conscious mind of the controllee remains blind to responding with robotic subservience. (Guess which role had been mine, once upon a time ...)
However, if something flies in from out of the blue, causing the conscious mind of the controllee to awaken and cast the cloak of subservience aside then everyone is shocked when all hell busts loose and home sweet home explodes into WWIII. In fact the only people who may not be shocked are those who've come to understand and ACCEPT this fact: We make subconscious agreements with each others. These subconscious agreements exist until the conscious mind awakens. At that point, the subconscious agreement, which the controller and controllee had unknowingly 'signed', becomes outdated. Once this subconscious agreement has expired, old rules of conduct are no longer valid.
As you can imagine, it's tough for controllers to relinquish subconscious control. And it can be just as difficult for a person, who'd felt at ease with a subservient role, to feel equal after having been conditioned to sit, fetch, bow, jump, walk one step behind and please the controller at the lift of an eyebrow.
When two people stumble, unwittingly, through this perplexing period of mind boggling transition, we can see why change takes time, courage, dedication, resilience, and above all, compassion and patience while the process of re-education carves out new pathways within two deeply confounded minds.
Let's imagine the transition of complex thought patterns as traffic jams. Let's picture collisions occurring on freeways where on ramps, off ramps and additional lanes are being constructed, all at once—no warning signs in sight. Now picture all of this reconstruction taking place without so much as a calm, knowledgeable, consistent reconstruction crew in attendance, redirecting traffic. As no one knows how to get on, how to get off, how to move safely, left or right, all we hear is honking horns and crunching fenders. In short, this is what happens each time two people fall in love and the thought patterns of two families 'blend'.
When Annie falls in love and gets married and she and her husband join each other's families, remind me to paint this same picture, again. Wait until you see their traffic jam of unrealistic expectations—crashing from one misunderstanding to another—year after year. In retrospect, it's amazing how long it took before these two subconsciously declared WWIII. In short, as you shall see ...
Assuming to know what another is thinking or feeling is a divorce in the making.
If you reread the personal strengths, listed above, then you may wonder why I placed compassion, patience and education at the end of that list. You see, I've come to understand that time and again the ego will resist any attempt to reeducate the pathways of the conscious mind. And here is why that's true: At the beginning of the re-education process, the nicest people in the world might have to admit to harboring vulnerabilities, similar to those that they consider fragile or villainous in others. So in order to keep self image intact, the Ego relies upon Denial to block the conscious mind from learning anything that might upset its apple cart.
Within Mother Nature's grand scheme, we're meant to visit Denialand during desperate times. However, once subconscious fear has mistakenly moved into Denialand, the mind is blocked from understanding the personal benefits derived from peeling defensive layers of denial away—by conscious choice.
If you'd like to know how certain relationships thrive in Denialand—well, let's remember that both people must unwittingly accept their dominant and subservient roles.
Once one person awakens then both must decide whether or not their love is worth mustering the courage to identify vulnerabilities in need of shoring up. When it comes to denial ... you shall see that:
When reality is too nightmarish to accept, Denialand serves as the dream world where the mind feels safe.
Any one trying to awaken a person in Denialand will be seen as a threat.
Learning to develop the sensitivity to encourage another to awaken is rare.
Just as controllees may be blind to their fear of facing the wrath of controllers, controllers 'forget' that their wrath is scary enough to instill fear.
So what awakens us to the fact that we've allowed others to maintain control?
Well, like I said, 'something flies in from out of the blue', which shakes up the status quo.
Once we awaken to reality, major change lies just ahead. Think—
New World Exploration
Colonization
Taxation without representation
The Boston Tea Party
The Declaration of Independence
Colonist vs. Native American Wars
Free education for all
Child labor laws
Slavery disputes
The Civil War
The Suffrage Movement
Pearl Harbor
Rosie the Riveter
Nuclear Power
Martin Luther King Jr.
The Civil Rights Movement
White flight
This land is your land; this land is my land …
The PILL
Free love
Shimmy out of your girdle
Burn your bra, draft card and flag
No fault divorce
Women unite
Latch key children
Kids spend more time in child care than at home
No free lunch
Woman's Right to Equal Earnings
Father's right to equal custody
Masses star struck with Athletes, Rock Stars, Movie Stars
Mothers Against Drunk Driving
Women on battlefields
Gay Rights
President Obama
As the world turns one change leads to the next
Major change leads to major movements
From horse, to Ford, to aviation, to the moon
Eventually, change affects us all
Like it or not—change is the only constant in life
Kids grow up and assert their independence
Life's a sunny day at the beach for only so long
Life leads to death or reversal of fortune—that’s a bitch
Denial offers the ego a false sense of safety
Life goes on—and so it goes
The five pounds I've gained are now ten
I'll diet for sure—tomorrow!
Who am I fooling?
What will fly in from out of the blue to wake me up?
Denim
My jeans are too tight
Life is great!
Reality is a bitch
The blame game is Denial at work
Want things to change for the better?
See what needs to change by asking—
Mirror mirror on the wall
What have I been missing, all along?
The blame game is Denial at work
Want things to change for the better?
See what needs to change by asking—
Mirror mirror on the wall
What have I been missing, all along?
Monday, July 25, 2011
195 I WISH YOU WELL ...
"The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get." (fortune cookie)
If
Envy is lustful rather than loving
Then
Envy shatters the positive energy field of compassionate friendship
If
Envy produces negative energy within the subconscious
Then
Negative attitudes set one's focus on forming negative judgments
If
I envy someone
Then
I remind myself how negative energy shoots me in the foot
If
Shooting myself in the foot makes no sense
Then
I consciously switch an envious attitude toward counting my blessings
If
I recall all I've been blessed with
Then
The sparkle in my smile reconnects with a balanced sense of reality
If
Compassion serves as my rule of thumbs/up
Then
My deeply valued friendships remain on track
If
Your fear or envy rains tension negativity on my sense of inner peace
Then
I'll secure a place conducive to calm, stable co-existence
And wish you well from a distance
If
Envy is lustful rather than loving
Then
Envy shatters the positive energy field of compassionate friendship
If
Envy produces negative energy within the subconscious
Then
Negative attitudes set one's focus on forming negative judgments
If
I envy someone
Then
I remind myself how negative energy shoots me in the foot
If
Shooting myself in the foot makes no sense
Then
I consciously switch an envious attitude toward counting my blessings
If
I recall all I've been blessed with
Then
The sparkle in my smile reconnects with a balanced sense of reality
If
Compassion serves as my rule of thumbs/up
Then
My deeply valued friendships remain on track
If
Your fear or envy rains tension negativity on my sense of inner peace
Then
I'll secure a place conducive to calm, stable co-existence
And wish you well from a distance
194 FEAR AND ENVY vs. LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP
If fear
Betrays love
And envy betrays friendship
Then our subconscious insecurities
Will try to level the playing field
By putting down those people we envy
If subconscious fear of failure is the enemy
Then why do cheerleaders—
Who boo at the vulnerabilities of their team—
Go boohoo
When asked
To turn their pompoms in?
In recent years, I was glad to learn
That my (NGU) spirit had to exhaust on the field
Before I chose to pass the baton
Thank goodness I gave my mind time to rest on the bench
Until common sense blew dark clouds away
And in/sight made sense of nonsense, at last
Once my mind and spirit felt re-energized
I found myself ready to cheer from the sidelines
For every member of my team
Because
Here is how the game plan
Has changed for me:
Rather than engaging
With negative attitudes
That drive me crazy
My (Never-Give-Up) Spirit
Has retrained my mind to relax
While loved ones tunnel at their own pace
When Annie grows up
She'll show you, step by step, how this
Positively focused, clear minded plan came to be
Then, as seeing is believing
I trust that you, too, may feel inspired
To pick up your pompoms and—
Hone your leadership abilities
Until your mind is trained
To create positively focused energy fields of your own
And as mixed messages stabilize, I have sound reason to believe that
Your teammates (family, pack of friends)
Will sense your readiness to connect with them …
Consistently
Trustfully
Securely
When positive energy fields exist in home after home
Team mates, the world over
May encourage the growth of peaceful co-existence
By reciting
This cheer:
Go!
As that's it for today
Let's raise our pompoms
And close this post by jumping up and shouting right out loud:
Hooray for creative thinking patterns that produce positive energy fields!
☺Your positively focused, calm-assertive, loquacious friend
Annie
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