2002
Swinging ...
“Annie—are you trying to tell me that if you're 'fluid' nothing that happens will bother you, anymore?”
I smile while replying: "Of course not, Mom. More than being based in emotional control, fluidity refers to embracing an open minded attitude while engaging in conflict resolution. Fluidity suggests training my think tank to consider the limitations of my perspective in hopes of expanding my understanding of both sides in a free flowing manner, because solid mindsets can't recognize those times when negative attitudes—based in latent insecurity—expect the worst. As soon as insecurity couples with negativity, clarity twists into knots, causing self fulfilled prophecies to shape up, over time."
"But I don't understand why you have to work at this, Annie. You are open minded."
"Actually, we're all open minded about some things and closed minded about others. *If denial blinds us to where we're close minded, we have no clue as to which of our thinking patterns leap to conclusions, which assume the worst vs. thinking patterns that white wash personal motives, which we don't want to see—clearly.
*While working to recognize emotional reactions, which prove negatively focused, I'm exercising the emotionally secure side of my brain—and—whatever I exercise, strengthens. *Each time I identify an insecure or negatively focused thinking pattern, my ability to neutralize frustration, fear or anger quickens.
"So how do you recognize a negatively focused thinking pattern?"
*By consciously engaging the inquisitive portion of my mind. It's important to note that questioning opens the door to positive change in this way: I offer the other person that which I hope he or she will offer me.
"What's that?"
"The benefit of the doubt…"
"And how does that create change for the better?"
"Well, when I'm sure something's not going my way, my attitude jumps to conclusions and assumes the worst. By reminding myself to remain neutral until all the facts known, I free my thought processor of emotional turmoil, suggesting my producing less inner tension, which interferes with clarity. As questioning allows me to disengage from the stress of 'pre-worry', my problem solving skills grow ever more logically sound—and that's why we say: Attitude is everything.
*While working to recognize emotional reactions, which prove negatively focused, I'm exercising the emotionally secure side of my brain—and—whatever I exercise, strengthens. *Each time I identify an insecure or negatively focused thinking pattern, my ability to neutralize frustration, fear or anger quickens.
"So how do you recognize a negatively focused thinking pattern?"
*By consciously engaging the inquisitive portion of my mind. It's important to note that questioning opens the door to positive change in this way: I offer the other person that which I hope he or she will offer me.
"What's that?"
"The benefit of the doubt…"
"And how does that create change for the better?"
"Well, when I'm sure something's not going my way, my attitude jumps to conclusions and assumes the worst. By reminding myself to remain neutral until all the facts known, I free my thought processor of emotional turmoil, suggesting my producing less inner tension, which interferes with clarity. As questioning allows me to disengage from the stress of 'pre-worry', my problem solving skills grow ever more logically sound—and that's why we say: Attitude is everything.
Each time my attitude proves inquisitive rather than accusatory, storm clouds spontaneously lighten up, and rather than engaging in a fiery debate, my calming attitude cuts defensive tension—zinging back and forth—in half, suggesting that a peaceful sense of clarity is more apt to develop on both sides.
*Each time my sense of clarity deepens, a jumble of facts falls into line, bigger pictures emerge, and generally, I come to see how an unresolved conflict has been catalyzed by a power struggle so subtle as to have gone undetected. As bigger pictures continue to appear in 3D, outdated perceptions alter in mind blowing ways.
*Once my perception, concerning a particular conflict, expands, I come to recognize an unresolved insecurity, catalyzing a thought process in need of revising. As subconscious insecurities, which had haunted my sense of safety, emerge in plain sight, strengths, which I'd misperceived as being my own, actually develop.
*Each time a subconscious vulnerability ripens into a hard won strength, I overcome a fear, which produced anxiety, which stimulated adrenalin, which increased tension, which filled my thought processor with static electricity, which disrupted clarity, causing me to struggle with indecision."
*Each time a subconscious vulnerability ripens into a hard won strength, I overcome a fear, which produced anxiety, which stimulated adrenalin, which increased tension, which filled my thought processor with static electricity, which disrupted clarity, causing me to struggle with indecision."
"How in the world do you figure all of that out?"
"I read. I attend lectures. I learn little by little. And the more I learn, concerning the complex workings of the brain, the more fascinated I become with challenging my conscious mind to understand the intricacies of my thinking patterns. Think of it this way, Mom: My eagerness to learn about the brain is like an auto mechanic, who opens the hood of a car, feeling challenged to determine which part is not functioning up to snuff and is thus in need of a minor adjustment or a major overhaul or replacement. The mechanic, feeling challenged, makes good use of his noggin by combining knowledge with experiential intuition, right?
Right.
Well, a car is a complex machine that takes us where we want to go. And so is the brain, with this caveat: If the car doesn't work, it's towed to the mechanic. If the brain doesn't take us to where we want to go, we get manic and someone calls the police!
So, now, we're laughing, again, and upon settling down, Mom asks:
"Annie, do you really think like this during conflict?
Yep. In the beginning I had to consciously shift gears. Over time, with practice, the entire process has become automatic. In fact, much of what I've absorbed in terms of understanding complex thinking patterns can be likened to the study of higher mathematics.
During conflict, the inquisitive portion of my mind is trained to ask questions and listen attentively in hopes of absorbing knowledge that I'd not thought to consider. I guess you could say I look for the unknown factor.
(As in: Oh! Now I get it! Here's the solution!).
During moments fraught with conflict, I concentrate on collecting as much data as possible, because knowledge is power. Not power over others. Power over my own reactiveness. Power toward gaining clarity—which expands my perspective, thus opening a closed mindset—which had not yet gleaned insight into deeper truth—which, over time, enhances one's perception of reality—as in: Oh! Now why didn't I think of that?
*On the other hand, the acquisition of knowledge is not enough to create change for the better. Before I can make good use of knowledge, I need to identify and dismantle defensive thought patterns, which the wounds of my ego had needed to layer up during my youth. In short, I call upon my Line of Control to tolerate whatever emotional turmoil is hurled at me in order that my reactions do not make a bad situation worse.
Right.
Well, a car is a complex machine that takes us where we want to go. And so is the brain, with this caveat: If the car doesn't work, it's towed to the mechanic. If the brain doesn't take us to where we want to go, we get manic and someone calls the police!
So, now, we're laughing, again, and upon settling down, Mom asks:
"Annie, do you really think like this during conflict?
Yep. In the beginning I had to consciously shift gears. Over time, with practice, the entire process has become automatic. In fact, much of what I've absorbed in terms of understanding complex thinking patterns can be likened to the study of higher mathematics.
During conflict, the inquisitive portion of my mind is trained to ask questions and listen attentively in hopes of absorbing knowledge that I'd not thought to consider. I guess you could say I look for the unknown factor.
(As in: Oh! Now I get it! Here's the solution!).
During moments fraught with conflict, I concentrate on collecting as much data as possible, because knowledge is power. Not power over others. Power over my own reactiveness. Power toward gaining clarity—which expands my perspective, thus opening a closed mindset—which had not yet gleaned insight into deeper truth—which, over time, enhances one's perception of reality—as in: Oh! Now why didn't I think of that?
*On the other hand, the acquisition of knowledge is not enough to create change for the better. Before I can make good use of knowledge, I need to identify and dismantle defensive thought patterns, which the wounds of my ego had needed to layer up during my youth. In short, I call upon my Line of Control to tolerate whatever emotional turmoil is hurled at me in order that my reactions do not make a bad situation worse.
OMG, Mom! That last train of thought, concerning dismantling my defensive patterns of thought, offered me insight into Grandma’s emotional reactions in the aftermath of Janet’s death. At first, when Grandma was unable to handle such agonizing emotional turmoil, she turned blame inward. Then, when she couldn't handle the intensity of guilt that she'd heaped, undeservedly upon herself, she turned blame—outward—making a tragic situation ten times worse."
At this point, while 'thinking' aloud, I can feel the complex machine inside my head percolating away. "So though I'm not consciously certain as to where this train of thought is about to take my conscious awareness, next, intuition takes over and, word by word, here is what chugs through my think tank and out of my mouth: Whenever emotional confusion rattles my mind, during moments fraught with conflict, wisdom suggests breathing deeply to oxygenate my mind. While concentrating on breathing, tension lessens, thus allowing me to retain the clarity necessary to neutralize my defensive reactions rather than resorting to automatically absorb guilt or cast blame. Hence, my Line of Control, which guides me to take a time out on the spot, keeps me sane at times when life feels too crazy to believe …
*While working to release a heady build up of tension in a healthy, mature manner, I can better distinguish between those times when one individual is responsible for exacerbating a bad situation vs. times when everyone involved is acting like a herd of frightened deer, running blindly into a raging forest fire, which consumes every living thing in its self destructive path. While working consciously to deepen my level of self control, I shield myself from absorbing emotional tornados of smoke swirling around me, and having doused my defensiveness with common sense, my ire does not ignite, flare up or strike back with negatively focused, retaliatory reactions."
*While working to release a heady build up of tension in a healthy, mature manner, I can better distinguish between those times when one individual is responsible for exacerbating a bad situation vs. times when everyone involved is acting like a herd of frightened deer, running blindly into a raging forest fire, which consumes every living thing in its self destructive path. While working consciously to deepen my level of self control, I shield myself from absorbing emotional tornados of smoke swirling around me, and having doused my defensiveness with common sense, my ire does not ignite, flare up or strike back with negatively focused, retaliatory reactions."
"Annie—what are you talking about???"
*"Gosh, Mom. This is not easy to explain—it took a long time for me to absorb all of this, little by little. Let's say that I've consciously developed a sense of mindfulness, which proves to be a self disciplined strength. That by practicing mindfulness with consistency, my thought processor becomes better equipped to control my defense system's basic instinct to fight, flee or freeze.
The more emotionally secure (mature) I become, the more methodically my brain works in an orderly, step by step fashion to identify bigger pictures. As a bunch of puzzling pieces fall into place, over time, an effective solution, which considers the needs of everyone concerned, emerges from my mind. I've come to see that effective leadership asks pertinent questions in order to consider as many aspects of a problem as compassionately as possible."
The more emotionally secure (mature) I become, the more methodically my brain works in an orderly, step by step fashion to identify bigger pictures. As a bunch of puzzling pieces fall into place, over time, an effective solution, which considers the needs of everyone concerned, emerges from my mind. I've come to see that effective leadership asks pertinent questions in order to consider as many aspects of a problem as compassionately as possible."
"Annie ... "
"Wait, Mom. Please. Though I have no clue where this train of thought is going to end up, I need to keep going—while consciously directing my brain to operate in loving, responsible, knowledgeable, and compassionate ways, that does not mean that my decisions will please the group as a whole—at first—or maybe ever. *In fact, since the future well being of any group, as a whole, remains unrevealed, we’d be wise to take time out to think smart instead of loosening our tongue before clarity is ours. During times of confusion, defensiveness tends to point fingers of blame as soon as turmoil rolls in. As soon as negatively focused words, intentions or reactions fling back and forth, defensive walls go up on both sides, and misunderstandings, which fuel emotional fires that scald and scar us, all, result."
"So, what does all of this have to do with being 'fluid'?
*"Well, if I direct my mind to remain fluid in terms of considering everything that's being said, I'll leap to negative conclusions, less often. *By working to develop the habit of listening objectively instead of feeling insulted by whatever is said, I'll feel reasonable rather than reactive, and in this way, my sense of realism, concerning life, love, and friendship, will develop in depth."
As Mom still looks confused, I offer an example. "Let's think about it this way:
*Whenever we work to replace a 'bad' habit with a well balanced habit, it's necessary to practice. Since negatively focused thought patterns are 'bad' habits, I reduce my frustration, anger and pain by reminding myself not to take 'put downs', cast in my direction, painfully to heart. Rather than automatically absorbing the pain of a put down, I consider the imperfections of the human condition. In this way, imperfections, inefficiencies, and misperceptions—whether they be my own of those directed at me—are less apt to would me or drive me crazy.
Each time I focus consciously on seeking clarity, concerning reality, the element of passion, fueling my emotional reaction calms down. *By way of consciously maintaining emotional control, my whole brain feels peaceful enough to work effectively, suggesting my ability to conjure up compassion rather than contempt, concerning vulnerabilities and faults common to one and all.
*Again and again, my desire to identify negatively focused attitudes, which fuel subtle power struggles, serves me well in this way: *I gain insight into how often negative attitudes muddy up clarity when our brains are pushed to operate on overload, exhaustion, fear or anger, over long. How often do we hear: To sleep is to heal. How many realize that understanding complexity precedes sleep?
*Again and again, my desire to identify negatively focused attitudes, which fuel subtle power struggles, serves me well in this way: *I gain insight into how often negative attitudes muddy up clarity when our brains are pushed to operate on overload, exhaustion, fear or anger, over long. How often do we hear: To sleep is to heal. How many realize that understanding complexity precedes sleep?
*Whereas positive energy spurs my mind to function clearly, negative energy exacerbates internal turmoil.
*As every action stimulates a reaction, our defense systems are hot wired to respond to negative energy with more of the same. Therefore, it makes sense to train our thought processors to tame basic instincts, which cause us to fight for survival like those who make up the lower animal kingdom.
I guess you could say that I tune up my thought processor and oil the sum of its parts, so that as I age, my processor won't get too rusty, crusty, blustery or just plain tangled up to do my part to resolve a conflict when an emotional tornado is hurtling a swirl of emotional turmoil at me…”
*As every action stimulates a reaction, our defense systems are hot wired to respond to negative energy with more of the same. Therefore, it makes sense to train our thought processors to tame basic instincts, which cause us to fight for survival like those who make up the lower animal kingdom.
I guess you could say that I tune up my thought processor and oil the sum of its parts, so that as I age, my processor won't get too rusty, crusty, blustery or just plain tangled up to do my part to resolve a conflict when an emotional tornado is hurtling a swirl of emotional turmoil at me…”
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