1106 (38) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 49

38
2002
Swinging ...

"You know what, Mom?  I've noticed something— whenever my mind is busy, expressing thoughts aloud, my understanding of insights tends to deepen as I speak.  For example, once, when asked what I think about the fact that opposites attract, this train of thought emerged, word by word:

Mother Nature doesn't draw opposites, magnetically together, to change one another.

*Mother Nature creates chemistry between people with different life experiences for this reason: As differing viewpoints are expressed, we are given opportunities to learn from each other.  And when we take turns inspiring each other's tunnel vision to expand, personal growth takes place, on both sides, over time.

*Needless to say, this exchange of knowledge, which promotes enrichment for both, can only take place when two people work toward focusing their attitudes upon gaining insight into resolving conflicts trustfully and thus respectfully—for this reason:  In order for conflict resolution to move forward in an emotionally calm, mature, and positively focused direction, both minds must feel safe in an environment, which proves conducive to lucid thought processing.  When the mind does not feel safe, emotional static interfers with productive problem solving.  Thus trust  (safety) suggests that while both are figuring out how to satisfy existential needs, each one believes that the other has his or her best interests at heart, as well.

If asked why peaceable conflict resolution seems to happen so rarely, I'd reply:  *It's common to offer insight into deeper truth in a less than patient, respectful manner, thus stimulating defensive attitudes from those who respond.  If, over time, frustration speaks to defensiveness, a subtle power struggle ensues, causing conflict resolution to stalemate.  At times, condescension is not the problem.  At times a huge defense system is enough to stall resolution indefinitely.

When that which is said is misperceived as a negative put down, distrust picks up it's head. As soon as the listener's ego feels wounded, trust in conflict resolution diminishes and a shield of self protective defensiveness thickens. *At this point, the ego's basic instinct fires off a bell of alarm that signals the brain to flood with adrenalin, which messes with logic, narrowing the thought processor's ability to choose from three choices: fight, flee—or if too stunned to do either—just freeze. And thus it's easy to see the suddenness with which positively focused, productive connections between two thought processors break down.

*When negatively focused, impatient attitudes speak, too often, to each other, we 'learn' to listen anxiously.

*Eventually, our childhood habit of listening fearfully/defensively runs interference with tuning into crystal clear clarity.  Rather than hearing the true meaning of what's actually being said, our protective shield of defensiveness turns a deaf ear on logic for this reason:  As soon as we feel insulted, our minds clog with static, and clarity tunes out.  And that's why our listening skills are, so often, in serious need of a tune up.

*As soon as the ego's attitude tunes out to whatever the speaker is working to convey, a negatively focused thought processor, bristling with emotional static, can't differentiate between one's own misperceived projection of criticism vs. a soothing voice, attempting to resolve conflict with common sense intact.

Once the ego feels insecure, we miss this point:  Two people bring opposite strengths to their relationship, so that the strength of the household doubles—unless one or both have developed the habit of targeting the vulnerabilities of others with passive aggressive put downs, as in: I'll reject you before you can even think to reject me.

Mind games, absorbed unknowingly as children, drive loving relationships ever more deeply into a dark maze, where trust in conflict resolution is easily spooked until a mind, seeking clarity, feels at it's wits end and jumps off a cliff—or wants to yells ENOUGH!!—I'M DONE TRYING TO GET THROUGH YOUR WALL IN HOPES OF CONNECTING WITH YOUR INTELLIGENCE!!  This final declaration of frustration may be expressed in tone and body language.  Or, as words have not yet penetrated the solid nature of the listener's defensive wall, the person, most determined to remain attached to clarity, may maintain self control and utter those last words, silently, as the case may be.

When the person, who's had 'ENOUGH!' is me, I'll express my need to separate from the-never-ending maze by saying:
"As these conversations resolve nothing and  serve no purpose other than venting, and as solving nothing stirs my frustration, I can't work through conflict resolution with you, anymore.  Unresolved frustration grows into anger, over time.  And as I've made a pact with myself to maintain high levels of self control, repressing a growing sense of anger does not promote a healthy state of mind.  If, after I step back from conversations, concerning stalemated conflict resolution,, you become passive aggressive with me, then I'll continue to step back until I find a safe and peaceful place to release the angst that I choose not to fling at you."

Needless to say, I use many less words than that when my frustration is high.  But the gist is unchanged.  With the passage of time, silence may say more than words, spoken carefully, thoughtfully, compassionately for years, had been able to convey. Game over. New game:  If your ego needs to wear a defensive mask of denial while whispering subtle put downs into my ear, today, then watch me conserve my energy and save my breath, or answer any passive aggressive comment with clarity's solid connection to logic. Once I understand insecurity's need to own the road, I'll change direction and carve out a productively peaceful path of my own. *If the stubborn nature of denial's stance continues to offer me the pretense of supportive friendship then watch me be neither diminished nor naive, today.  I did not choose to absorb listening and speaking skills for the past forty years to spend whatever years I have left wandering through an emotional maze with loved ones whose fears drive them crazy enough to keep their heads buried in the sand.  *Rather than filling my ears with sand—or better yet, make that static—I choose to spend my adult years filling my mind with knowledge in hopes of absorbing communication skills, which inspire me to remain sane.

"Initially, I did not think to seek out, absorb, role model or impart effective communications to anyone except my kids. Then, as one peaceful negotiation followed another, the mom-in-me rejoiced while the teacher-in-me grew eager to share insight into conflict resolution everywhere I went.  *I mean, who wouldn't want to stop yelling and insulting those with whom we live and love most of all?

*As my mind continued to absorb and expand with knowledge, my passion to dispel misperceptions, which cast evil spells on the nimble, impressionable minds of children, thus turning bright, young minds into grumpy-rebellious young hellions or sticks-in-the-mud, who have no clue of how often they wallow—privately—in deep wells of narrow minded defensiveness as life moves from one stage to the next.

We often can't see ourselves as we are, most especially during times when our basic needs are in conflict with others.  And as love is blind, we often fail to see loved ones, clearly, as well.  *The reason it's so hard to connect with clarity is because we can't see what we're in denial of unless we learn how to sit on our egos in hopes of opening our minds to absorb guidance from those whose listening and speaking skills are well trained to remain astutely on target."

When I hear ...

Leopards can't change their spots

I say:

People aren't leopards

In fact, comparing people to leopards

Is like comparing apples to oranges

Just as we're mistaken when comparing one fruit to another

We're mistaken when comparing people to leopards

Because leopards don't have a Neocortex and people do!

When I hear ...

Old dogs can't learn new tricks

I say:

Old dogs can't turn into cats

Old dogs can't learn to meow

But old dogs, rescued by compassionate hearts

Can and do learn to pay mind

To being led by one who guides

Patiently, consistently and calmly

By way of insight into common sense rather than 
Venting frustration with loud emotional outbursts

When I hear:

People can't change

I say:  Baloney!

Though oranges can't become apples

Both can fall off the tree of life and dry up, too soon

Or both can drink from the tree of knowledge

And grow as sweet and juicy

As plums, which, like all fruits

Continue to ripen—each in its own good time

If asked

Why I believe people can change

I say:

Two sides exist within every mind

The ego dominates trains of thought on one side

While deep wells of knowledge connect the dots on the other

Judge too quickly—

Watch the ego come out to 'play mind games'

Think before you speak—

Watch insight into the power of knowledge

Soothe conflict away

Now, let's change the word change to grow

And watch the narrow scope of

Tunnel-visioned attitudes—

Expand ...

Needless to say ...

A wounded ego

Hides behind a super-sized persona

Which becomes as tough as a nut to crack

Why?  Because ...

Behind each person's false front

Layers of insecurity

Thicken up, like walnut shells over time

So ... those with reason to develop

A super-duper persona

Hide more subconscious anxiety

From—themselves

Than those who learn to crack their shells

Look inside and accept inevitable changes

Resulting from irretrievable loss

As life moves from stage to stage

Whew!  Quite a mouthful of insights lining up!

As every insight makes sense to me—

May I suggest tracking each train of thought separately?

Oftimes, denial closes our minds

Until we hit bottom

At which time our shells crack on their own

And as anesthetized pain springs back to life

We may finally hear ourselves say:

Holy smokes!  This hurts worse than ever before!

Something's gotta CHANGE for the better ... And soon!

One more thing:

If people are not leopards, dogs, cats or fruit

Then what the heck are we?

Well, if you ask me what I think

Here is what I'd say:

People are living creatures

With higher brain capacity

For listening, thinking, and speaking skills to develop

Which means we've been gifted

With the potential

To soak up knowledge, like sponges

And I write, day after day

In hopes of inspiring you

To open Mother Nature's wondrous gift and think out of the box

Because—you must know what's coming next ...

To sponge up knowledge, think out of the box

And grow wiser—or not

Is a matter of personal—choice!

Suggesting that whatever you chose to perceive, yesterday

Can change by way of insight—today!

If not today then—

Hope springs eternal for—

Tomorrow ... which is only a day away

Oh!  One more thing ... Again

Please remember this:

The one thing I won't do

Is to allow myself to be sucked back into

A MAZE that I worked hard to understand—

On the other hand ...

If I am sucked back in

Do not expect me to 'play mind games' for long

So, each time your words show me
How deeply entrenched you are
Within a mind maze of your own

Please note why I may choose to grow silent
And share my thoughts elsewhere:

I have grown careful of being snared into conversations

Which consistently block all attempt at insight into clarity

And as you continue tuning into each story

You may come to see how self awareness

Will, one day, save my spirit from feeling sucked dry
You see, each time insight, clarity and reality fall into line

Peace of mind is mine—and ...

My mind can rest—at least for a short time ...
Oh—by the way, you may be relieved to know
That my train of thought
Is chugging toward the station
Where the reason for this title:
NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! 
Is close to emerging—at last!

J