2014
Let's push pause on my response to Mom's question concerning what I remembered about the frightening nature of Lauren's coma-like state, so I can tell you what happened after editing yesterday's post, describing that night …
As you shall see, once yesterday's post was sent into cyberspace, I experienced a very strange day. Why? Because I had a difficult time transitioning from 'that night' to present time. Rather than going about my day in a peaceful manner … anxiety kept running interference with my sense of clarity as though warning me of danger closing in, and this heightened state of alert, which lasted for hours, baffled my conscious mind until this insight hit: I was experiencing a bout of PTSD.
Though denial continues to blur my memory to details too terrifying for a four year old brain to have processed, our bodies forget nothing (listen to your body), and thus did the physicality of my reaction clue me into the probability that Aunt Sari was not the only one awakened by the commotion that ensued when terror of irretrievable loss sliced through our family's sense of safety for the third time in two years, which at that time comprised half of my life.
Imagine a child of four, awakening, daily, wondering, subconsciously, whether today will be the day that the other shoe drops, or if not today, tomorrow? This child will sit in place, hands folded in lap, taking direction, smiling with good natured compliance in hopes of doing nothing to rock the boat that keeps her sense of safety afloat.
This child, who is naturally cheerful, has no clue that her defense system is in the process of developing a persona, which will control her state of anxiety from escalating at the drop of a pin. This persona will serve as a sturdy shield, separating the child's natural smile from undercurrents of fear, which will lurk in her subconscious for sound reason: After all, by the age of four, Annie's sense of safety has been compromised thrice (Grandpa Yacob, Janet … and what the heck will life be like if Lauren disappears, too???). As safety proves a gamble no matter how good Annie is, she acquires an instinctive fear of the fickle finger of fate, whose threatening presence transforms a sunny day into a tornado of death defying proportions on the spin of a dime ...
So, in answer to Mom's question: Annie, do you remember anything about that night, This is what I'd reply, today: That which my mind can't recall, my body remembers so well as to have trembled with fear after reviewing Mom's rendition of her experience that night … and if you ask: Annie, why did you struggle with a bout of PTSD after reviewing that post, yesterday, if you did not experience déjà vu when that post was originally written, several years back, I'd reply: Upon penning that portion of my story, several years ago, my mind maintained an attitude of objectivity while relating Mom's experience.
Maintaining objectivity had been possible at that earlier time, because I'd not yet begun to peel away at layers of self protective denial during sessions of EMDR. Once several layers of denial had been peeled away, my conscious mind was vulnerable to reacting with déjà vu.
Upon reviewing that post after many sessions of EMDR, I've reached so deeply into subconscious memory as to have aroused physical sensations of fear, suggestive of my experience rather than Mom's. As long as my fear remained unprocessed, thus transfered into my subconscious, I carried it forward as excess emotional baggage.
Knowing that my next session of EMDR is scheduled in two weeks, I decided to sit down and EMDR myself by asking myself the same questions that my therapist would have asked me had our appointment been today. It's important to note that while answering the series of questions that my therapist would have asked, I did the eye movement routine that rearranges misperceptions, which had been stored within the subconscious portion of my four year old brain.
Though I did not logically hold my adult self accountable for Janet's death, subconscious memory made me feel guilty, repeatedly, and it was that anxiety-ridden portion my brain which proved in serious need of healing, today. As the door to that insight had opened on its own, suggestive of denial wall's growing ever more permeable, thus exposing subconscious vulnerability to my conscious mind, my strength of spirit felt courageous enough to coach myself to check out negatively focused mindsets born of PTSD …
So okay, here comes the first question that I asked myself as though switching back and forth between therapist and client:
Annie, since you feel visibly shaken, what is the bad feeling you have about yourself, right now?
I feel like it's my responsibility to save my mother from unhappiness, or else I'll be forgotten, as had been true when Janet 'disappeared'. (As imprinted within my four year old memory, my mother's unhappiness was tied to Janet's death; therefore, it made sense to feel that my mother's well being would be tied to Lauren's well being, as well. Once my mother and my sisters seemed indivisible, my fear of being forgotten, again, adopted an attitude, which held my four-year old self responsible for the good health of their smiles. When Mom or Lauren did not smile, I felt the need to fix whatever made them frown. Since my smile depended upon their smiles; that made me The Fixer from that time on. If I was unable to fix whatever caused their unhappiness, I felt unworthy of being loved. Saving myself from feeling worthless makes me feel hyper vigilant about serving their needs—with a smile. When their problems resolve, I feel free to safely meet my needs. Therefore if their needs conflicted with mine, I placed mine aside in favor of theirs. And that subconscious attitude authorized my decisions for most of my life. As awareness of that pattern began to emerge, and I began to express my needs, clearly, conflict erupted, and thus did I attempt to share that which I'd chosen to learn about change, conflict and self awareness. During that time, I embraced the serenity prayer: Change what you can, accept what you can't, and learn to recognize the difference between the two. Eventually, I grew quietly observant while carving a new path for myself that offered me more in the way of tranquility, less in the way of undeserved guilt born of emotional unrest. Amongst other lessons, I learned that the power of knowledge has a price …
Annie, what do you want to believe is true about yourself?
While continuing to engage my mind with the rapid Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocess (EMDR) I reply: I love my mother and sister, and always wish them well, but I was mistaken to hold myself accountable for ensuring that their smiles (and mine) were all on the same mental wave length. It was not healthy to set my needs aside whenever their needs conflicted with mine. When the needs of those I love conflict with mine, today, I can depend upon the high level of self discipline, which I've worked to develop in order to respect feelings and needs, all around. I am not selfish, fragile, worthless or unlovable. I have grown to be a strong, compassionate, bordering on empathetic daughter and sister, who is enmeshed, no more.
(This explanation enabled me to clue myself into the changes, which were processing through my mind while a self defeating mindset, which had been buried within my subconscious, emerged from behind my wall of denial. It's important to note that additional sessions of EMDR with my therapist may prove necessary before I feel 100% relieved of this heavy mindset, which held a terrified tot accountable for 'fixing her loved ones' problems at a time when the undeveloped egocentricity of my mind caused me to misperceive everything as my fault …)
I continue to ask myself questions:
Annie, do you believe that you are a good, self respecting person when your loved one's problems are beyond your ability to solve? That you are never worthless, always worthwhile, even at those times when you make mistakes in judgment? That just as you must do your work to expose self defeating mindsets have been repressed behind your wall of denial, they must do the same, no matter how much all of you wish to heal the family as a whole?
While my mind remains engaged in EMDR, I reply: Most of the time.
Annie, on a scale of zero to ten, how true to your best self did you feel when anxiety, due to PTSD alerted you to life threatening danger, which had actually taken place more than six decades ago?
On a scale of one to ten, I'd say—four
So, you didn't feel terrified, just frightened?
Yes.
Annie, on a scale of zero to ten, how true to that good, self respecting, worthwhile adult do you feel, right now?
On a scale of zero to ten, I'd say—Eight
Annie, is this a good place for us to stop, today? Do you feel safe within yourself?
I feel blood coursing through my veins in a strong, yet surrealistic fashion, indicating that a mind shift is processing through my brain while my heart pumps change for the better throughout my entire body. And as my intake and release of breath feels calm rather than anxious, I feel my mind letting go of what has passed in favor of embracing the present, and opening my eyes, my lips turn up into a smile as my spirit answers: Yes
Having cleansed my mind of that bout of PTSD, a sigh of relief suggests that I'd unpacked another suitcase of subconscious baggage, on my own, to a greater degree than ever before. And while tucking this new found strength into my bonnet, I stood up, acknowledged my self worth and flashed a natural smile at everyone who crossed paths with mine for the rest of the day …
This exercise in deepening my sense of self awareness will benefit me in the future in this way:
You see, I've never recognized a bout of PTSD with such immediacy, before. This experience suggests that the next time a memory triggers a bout of PTSD, I'll feel capable of identifing and desensitizing my reaction without needing to sit down to EMDR myself, on the spot. Recognition, coupled with my growing sense of self respect, will be enough. You it, right?
It's important to note that until recently, I could not EMDR myself. However, now that I've 'practiced' the eye movements in my therapist's presence, countless times, I feel capable of coaching myself, compassionately and knowledgeably if a bout of PTSD hijacks my sense of security, again.
Now that today's train of thought, concerning relieving myself of latent vulnerability, has pulled into this station, where another heavy weight will be left to evaporate on the platform-of-traumas-past, imagine me beaming a sparkling, strong spirited smile across the miles, while my heart wishes you the same five star day that I'm planning to enjoy myself …
Oh, one more thing ...
I haven't given you an update about Will for quite a while, so ...
Please tune in tomorrow, and I'll catch you up.
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