2002
The impact of Mom's wistful thoughts, considering Janet's phantom development, catches me off guard. Though I know my mother takes Janet’s photo out of a drawer, from time to time, and though, the daughter she’d lost so long ago comes up in our conversations more often than you might think, my comprehension of Mom’s inconsolable loss has reason to deepen when, fifty years after burying her precious baby, I listen to my mother visualizing a three month old infant growing into a child, a teen, a woman, whom my baby sister had not had the good fortune to become. Suddenly, our conversation jogs this memory from the depths of my mind: I recall Will’s cousin, Betsy, telling me that her Aunt Greta would mention the baby daughter, whom she’d lost to SIDS at the same time that we lost Janet. In fact, when Aunt Greta’s daughter died, her son, Jimmy, had been three, just like me, and thus, he and I had been the same age when fate dealt our families similar blows. Those similarities offer me insight into the confounding situation that developed between Jimmy and Aunt Greta, later in life. I mean, during his childhood and deep into middle age, Jimmy had been a sweet, docile guy, who’d never failed to do his mother’s biding, as in: 'Jump Jimmy! How high, Ma?' So of course, no one could fathom the fire and ice, which hit their relationship during the last years of Aunt Greta’s life. While sitting, swinging and enjoying these precious moments of intimacy with my mom, I muse, sadly, over the fact that once the fabric of a close family begins to fray, intimacy may unravel, and individuals may take sides if no one thinks to quest into the past in hopes of gaining insight into the underlying reason for today's emotional distress. Having witnessed the wall of anger that separated Greta and Jimmy from rescuing their love for each other, I resolved that would never happen between Mom and me. And with time, I came to understand that, along with attitude, timing and readiness, insight is everything if clarity, creating change for the better, is to revitalize a deeply valued relationship, which has wandered into a foggy maze where confusion reigns supreme. In fact, while swinging next to mom, I remember thanking Mother Nature for gifting the human brain with the potential to deepen our connection to solution seeking logic (and thus to one other) at every stage of life.
Next thing I know, my mind flies back to that time when Will and I'd split, and separation anxiety had paralyzed me. The fact that I'd never lived alone proved to be one of several factors, which had caused anxiety to spike. With compassion, bordering on empathy, for Mom, who is living alone for the first time in her life, I take my precious mother's hand in mine and say, "Our friendship has grown so close, I can't imagine losing you, ever. I remember Mom's reply: "Annie, you'll never lose me. When I'm no longer here, physically, my spirit will live inside your heart."
2014
During Mom's last days, I lay on her bed, cradling her tiny body in my arms. When I ask: Mom, can you feel the depth of my love ... I hold my breath, because ... Well ... more about unforeseen changes that opened my eyes to the necessity of deepening my insight into love, life and peace of mind at another time. I want to maintain your sense of clarity and mine, concerning my cradling Mom during our last moments of intimacy, so let me begin, again ...
During Mom's last days, our family takes turns lying on her bed, gathering our deeply loved matriarch's hundred year old, feather weight body into our arms. While lying beside her, cradling my precious mother close, I ask: Mom, can you feel the depth of my love? With her white hair resting lightly on my shoulder, my mother offers just the hint of a smile, and though she lacks the energy to open her eyes, I melt when she manages to whisper: Yes, Annie, I feel your love, and I love you more ... At that I release a huge sigh of relief, followed by tears of imminent loss, while the tight knot of pain, which has troubled my heart, mind and spirit for over a decade, loosens considerably, and as my heart embraces the warmth of Mom's spirit ever more deeply, I whisper: I love you to infinity and back; I loved you before my birth and that will be true for as long as I live.
Thus did Mom and I emote the bond of love, which had always permeated our hearts, regardless of the confounding chasm that opened between us, causing life to feel as dark as a black cat passing under a ladder at midnight...
As I've experienced heart wrenching reasons to quest toward insight into understanding life's most painful lessons, Mom's hint of a smile and whispered reply soothed the anxiety, which had caused my blood to race through my veins and pound through my head during years when unremitting confusion created tension that tightened muscles, constricting my ability to breathe. Whenever my spirit weighed heavy and my heart ached, my colon coiled into a knot until I could barely swallow, much less eat. I'd never questioned the depth of Mom's love for me. It was the insecurity that erupted from somewhere deep within my beloved mother's mind that had me stymied for several years. Insecurity that ran much deeper than losing Dad and living alone at the end of her life. This was insecurity, born of feeling alone while growing up, as you may remember from the story I posted, concerning Mom's childhood.
Thankfully, once my mind calmed and the healing nature of insight redefined my definition of friendship, I came to comprehend the chasm that developed between Mom and me. And with intuition as my guide, I worked tirelessly to soothe emotions which had frazzled us both. And thus, for the second time in my life, I had reason to set a high value upon those who hold onto open minded, positively focused attitudes, which encourage the downtrodden human spirit to hearten with hope while working mindfully toward making sense of inner conflict, thus creating change for the better, all around ... BTW ... 77 nations and counting ... Let's bid a warm welcome to Canada ...
As I've experienced heart wrenching reasons to quest toward insight into understanding life's most painful lessons, Mom's hint of a smile and whispered reply soothed the anxiety, which had caused my blood to race through my veins and pound through my head during years when unremitting confusion created tension that tightened muscles, constricting my ability to breathe. Whenever my spirit weighed heavy and my heart ached, my colon coiled into a knot until I could barely swallow, much less eat. I'd never questioned the depth of Mom's love for me. It was the insecurity that erupted from somewhere deep within my beloved mother's mind that had me stymied for several years. Insecurity that ran much deeper than losing Dad and living alone at the end of her life. This was insecurity, born of feeling alone while growing up, as you may remember from the story I posted, concerning Mom's childhood.
Thankfully, once my mind calmed and the healing nature of insight redefined my definition of friendship, I came to comprehend the chasm that developed between Mom and me. And with intuition as my guide, I worked tirelessly to soothe emotions which had frazzled us both. And thus, for the second time in my life, I had reason to set a high value upon those who hold onto open minded, positively focused attitudes, which encourage the downtrodden human spirit to hearten with hope while working mindfully toward making sense of inner conflict, thus creating change for the better, all around ... BTW ... 77 nations and counting ... Let's bid a warm welcome to Canada ...
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