1117 (46) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 62

46
2002
Swinging ...

“Annie, why do you think it necessary to grow toward humility and objectivity, when those traits are already yours?”

“Well, Mom, people change for better or worse, all the way through life.  Knowing that, I remind myself to spend more time reflecting over changes I need to make rather than trying to change inconsistencies and misperceptions of family and friends, who dig their heels into denial, again and again.  Each time I think to summon humility, my ability to listen grows more attentive to aligning with the underlying feeling that the speaker is trying to convey, so that, hopefully, my responses will be less judgmental or defensive, more on target with objectivity.  With attentiveness and objectivity, clarity offers me insight into aspects of my life where I may be in denial of truths, which are hard for me to face, today.

*For example, it was necessary to set defensive reactions aside in favor of embracing the objectivity to accept the futility of defending myself, here and there, when my marriage came apart.  Those who wanted to think well of me did.  Those who had need to put me down worked hard to twist the truth into knots no matter what I said.  Mom, do you know why many of my friendships changed, at that time?”

At this, Mom replies:  “I think you want to tell me why, Annie.” After we laugh, I continue  …

“With a few exceptions, I chose to fly with a new flock for this reason:  Negatively focused judgments, which knocked my socks off, caused my definition of friendship to change.  Once I'd tired of explaining myself to people whom I'd thought to know me well, intuition suggested spending time with those who can muster the courage and humility to embrace insight into personal growth, as do I.  Since experience catalyzes change to take place inside my brain, and since my brain directs my path, I choose to fill my think tank with as much insight into positively focused change as possible.

Today, I seek friends who are not energized by bullying in passive aggressive ways.  I've come to see a true friend as one who does not fear insight into truths, which prove hard to accept.  A true friend does not gossip about me as soon as I leave the room.  A true friend is not a 'yes man'.  *I mean, who knows what a 'yes man' is really thinking but afraid to say.  A true friend asks questions in hopes of sidestepping negatively focused judgment calls.  The depth of my self respect does not need to feel surrounded with clones.  Rather than speaking with forked tongue, a true friend will ask direct questions, in hopes of remaining on the same page, where clarity exist on both sides. In short, I can more readily identify and disengage from subtle power struggles.

*Each time I come up against the subtleness of a put down artist, today, I speak up for myself before stepping back to see if it happens, again.  If, upon identifying a pattern, I find that the strength of our connection depends upon your need to control me, watch me rebel.”

"You're not a rebel, Annie."

"I wasn't a rebel, Mom.  Today, I am.  I didn't realize how hard I'd had to work to repress rebellion within my 'safe, little shell until Will and I cracked apart.  I don't know which was harder for me during that chaotic time:  Listening to negatively focused perceptions that twisted the truth out of shape or choosing to respond graciously instead of lashing out at 'frienemies', who'd put me down.  When responding to false allegations, today, I take a time out to calm defensive reactiveness down, and while standing behind my line of control, I listen to my think tank replying clearly, logically, respectfully ... naturally.

"Where do you find time to do so much thinking, Annie?"

"That's easy, Mom. While I'm working to identify and set aside defensive attitudes, others are wasting time, harping on life's unfairness.  During the years following our separation, my adoption of objective thought processing saved me from turning into a bitter, shriveled, dried up old prune.  *As humility serves as a catalyst for personal growth, my ability to feel intuitively true to my whole self, ripens with age.  As an end result of training my brain to think astutely, under fire, clarity pinpoints positively focused attitudes and behaviors, which prove misperceptions of naysayers as being off target."

“I don’t know how you do it, Annie.  Your mind never stops working!”

*“Every mind is always working, Mom.  I just focus my think tank on expanding my perspective toward objectivity more often than wasting time griping while pointing fingers of blame.”

Then with a serious smile, my train of thought makes a u-turn.  “It’s true that I can wear myself out.  But each time the main root of a subtle power struggle, which had escaped detection, emerges, a change in my perspective grants me peace of mind.  And though, at times, my mind feels sorely stretched, the fact that I experience peace of mind is worth all the effort that tires my brain...

Dr. David Schnarch writes about the evolution of growth periods and rest periods, while working toward individuation, which he calls differentiation.  After reading his book, Passionate Marriage, I knew I needed to be in the same room as his brain, so we booked time with him and flew to Colorado.  Today, when asked to describe the most frustrating aspect of participating in any significant, long lasting relationship, I respond:  *As the human brain has a strong herding instinct, it’s tough to accept the fact that the only brain we can attempt to open, in hopes of embracing time tested knowledge, is the one inside our own head.  It's not easy to work toward deeper levels of self respect, knowing that the herd has come to view you as weird, nuts, or, heaven forbid ... a black sheep.  You can believe me when I say that it took a whale of courage for a good-girl pleaser like me to stand up to the herd in order to herald the self respect I most assuredly deserved ...

Each time I feel too ‘hot’ to respond to another person's subtle put down, indicating that I'm being viewed as an uncaring blackguard—I take time out to silence my ire until my frustration calms down at least enough to respond with an objective attitude, thus embracing compassion, kindness and logic.  Each time intelligence reminds my emotional reaction to cool down, my chosen attitude is more apt to distinguish truth from fiction, while tomatoes are being flung at me.  Instead of responding to an overt or subtle putdown with another, I choose not to stoop to a defensive level, which leads both sides straight toward self defeat.  Once clarity is mine, I feel little need to prove anything to a person who professes to befriend me.  *More often than not, I've come to see insecurity, rather than malicious intent, as the culprit that is biting chunks out of our friendship until very little in the way of meaningful connection is left.

While reminding myself that my opinions may not be synonymous with facts, I disengage from conversations in which others mistake their opinions for facts—repeatedly.  *Instead of calling those in denial to task, unsuccessfully, repeatedly, I, now, untangle my mind from any situation that cycles round the same-old, negatively focused track—indefinitely!  *Hear my voice less frequently?  Know that I'm still listening, attentively, objectively in search of a pattern that helps me to gain insight into the underlying reason as to why someone feels need of putting me down ...

*At times, when I’m called to task for mistaking my opinion for fact, it's time to summon humility, consider what's being said more deeply than before, and if the person's point of view begins to make sense, I'll thank that person for helping me to rebalance an attitude, which had unknowingly attached to a negatively focused track.  *Each time I consciously call intelligence into play, my ego's voice remains benched, and my mind stays clear of becoming embroiled in ‘power plays’ that achieve little more than heightening frustration, all around.”

“Annie, did you learn so much about our defense systems from reading books like EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?”

“Yes, along with devouring many others, like PASSIONATE MARRIAGE and GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT...  In addition to reading, I've developed a deep appreciation for counselors, who maintain objectivity.  Just as with any profession in life, some counselors remain on target, while others drift off course.  All in all, every counselor I've spent time with has offered me opportunities to recognize traits, which had caused me to self defeat.  Though reading books is one way to seek out new trains of thought, I see counselors as teachers, who inspire me to do my homework, insuring that new channels carve into the thought processor of my brain more deeply than thoughts, which had caused me to make ineffective decisions, leading toward self defeat.  (More about that, later)  I’ve also grown aware of the fact that too much energy is expended when my brain is fending off a build up of frustration that accompanies chronic pain.  I listen to the needs of my body more attentively than before.”

"Annie, how many self defeating traits could you have?"

*Laughingly, I respond, "It's not how many, Mom; it's how easily and often one or two hot buttons can fire up our tempers or pull our spirits down.  Hot buttons don't just make us mad or sad.  *Hot buttons may stimulate insecurity, which has not yet resolved."

“So, tell me, Annie, how did all of this reading begin?”

“Well actually, my connection to reading began with you, Mom.  I loved our weekly trips to the library, where I'd gaze up at endless shelves of stories, feeling swept away into amazing adventures for the taking.  And the fact that I'd looked forward to our story time, each evening, which provided me with another warm, cozy moment with you, at the end of each day, made bedtime such a loving way to drift into a peaceful sleep.  To this day, I look forward to curling up with a great read, every night.  As I'd enjoyed those shared experiences, deeply, I provided the same for my kids.  In fact, today, my book collection contains many of their favorite bedtime storybooks.  One day when they were teens, we sat down on the floor with all of their old time favorites to choose which books to give to good will.  I was surprised at how eagerly each one thumbed through one old time favorite after another.  At the end of that enjoyable experience, only two books left the pile of treasures to savor with their kids, some day.  All the rest went back to their honored place on the shelves.  And as I enjoy reading those classic stories with children, today, my smile widens whenever my eye happens to land on that collection, which has found a home in my kitchen.”

“I like knowing that my reading to you inspired your love of books, Annie.  But I was referring to your reading about resolving conflicts within adult relationships.  How did that develop?"