1101 (34) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 44

34

2002

... Think about it, Mom, isn’t it in your best interest and mine to name and tame personal traits that cause us to self-defeat?”

  

Since I'm on a roll, my train of thought chugs straight ahead with: *I’m writing about insight into the human ego's false sense of pride.  I'm writing about setting our false sense of pride aside in favor of embracing humility.  Humility listens attentively when the voice of wisdom whispers into our ears. *Thank goodness we have two ears, so if one is listening to nonsense or egocentric self rightousness the other can welcome wisdom, which proves timeless, universal and classic.
When nonsense, left over from childhood, combines with common sense, garnered from personal experience, inner conflict results, offering us reason to quest toward insight into deeper truth until a spotlight highlights a dark, hot spot of insecurity, left unresolved, thus carried forward, subconsciously, from an earlier time.  Each time a dark spot of insecurity clarifies, I can consciously transform a vulnerability (like undeserved guilt) into a strength (like self respect, based in logic)."

"Annie, that sounds like a lot of work!"

"It is work, Mom. It's my work. My chosen work.  Actually, after the boys were grown and on their own this became my most important work.  My mission, based in intuition.  I've become utterly fascinated by the complex workings of our brains.  And you know what 'they' say:  If you love your work, you'll never work a day in your life. Will is fascinated with medicine and sports. His mind soaks in more facts about those subjects than anyone I know.  As for me, I absorb insight into developing the brain's potential to resolve conflicts by ascertaining astute decisions based in creating balance between emotion and logic—you know—as in 'balance in all things'.

"But, why?  Why did all of this become so important to you?"

"I think my interest got off to a running start when I observed the effectiveness of combining heartfelt compassion with logical consequences instead of power struggling with my kids.  The boys were still in diapers when I became intrigued with power struggles and conflict resolution.
Luckily, I was a beginner at parenting ineffectively when fate offered me bi-monthly opportunities to sit in the audience, listening to parents being counseled by the Family Education Assoc., and everything I heard made such good sense that my mind began to soak in a wealth of cutting edge information, suggesting that I had begun to unconsciously retrain my brain to problem solve effectively while consciously training my kids to switch tracks from 'tantruming' angrily to channeling positively focused, logical trains of thoughts—as in:  Follow the leader, whose mind proves eager to absorb time tested, solution seeking knowledge—and as years passed and one positive change led to another, I watched the boys and their friends follow my lead until I became The Pied Piper, whose positively focused attitude toward discipline, coupled with heartfelt compassion, 'spoke' of friendship to every child and teen who felt so warmly welcomed and safely sheltered in our home as to open their minds and confide in me.  Eventually, so many guys saw themselves as the fourth Shapiro brother that I felt like Mother Goose, who lived in a shoe with so many children, she didn't know what to do ... But unlike her, I did know what to do ... I loved them all.  And in addition to all of those boys, I've embraced two 'daughters', who have grown to be two of my best friends ... Katie and Patty."

After swinging and musing quietly for a bit, Mom responds, "I know exactly what you mean, Annie.  I've always admired your way with children.  I remember when you were a young teacher, and I stopped in to watch you teach.  I don't remember which subject you were discussing when a bird landed on the ledge outside the window, distracting the attention of the class.  I remember my surprise when, speaking very quietly, you turned the discussion toward the bird, suggesting that the children raise their hands and quietly ask any question that came to mind.  I remember, later, asking why you did that, and you said:  There's so much to learn in this world of ours.  When might an entire class of fifth graders have a little bird, whose life is so different from our own, so close as to 'study', first hand?

Smiling at that memory from so long ago, I offer up this insight:  You know, Mom, a leader needs more than knowledge to gather a flock.  In order to lead a pack of energetic children, effectively, a teacher has to develop an understanding of human nature.  In addition to enjoying our visit with the little bird, we enjoyed one another, and when it was time to return to the subject at hand, we felt positively connected and refreshed.  I had so much fun teaching 'my' kids.  And I know they had fun with me.  At the beginning of each school year, the kids would line up outside on the playground.  Each one would have received a back-to-school letter with a number, suggesting which line to look for when the morning bell rang on the first day of school.  That's all they'd know.  (This plan freed our principal from phone calls from parents demanding one teacher over another.)  Once the kids were lined up, the teachers would march out, one by one, and each of us would stop and stand before a specific number:  one, two, three or four.  Our school had four fifth grade classes.  As soon as I'd stop walking and stand, facing the line of children, who had been assigned to my class, every kid in that line would cheer, right out loud.  I loved that my reputation for making learning fun preceded me.  And along with looking forward to a year filled with fun, children sense when they're adored.

Annie, how could you have known all of that at such a young age?  You couldn't have been more than twenty three when that little bird landed on your windowsill.

Actually, I was twenty two.  And it wasn't about 'knowing' Mom.  It was about 'feeling'.  As to that little bird, I listened to my sixth sense, which suggested that I make good use of our time with this intriguing little creature rather than wasting time trying to win back the attention of twenty-five, restless ten year olds, so we enjoyed the little bird's winged presence before it flew back to its flock, which allowed me to lead my flock back toward the subject at hand, naturally.  Reflection suggests that intuition is my constant companion as long as I don't let 'the shoulds' derail the natural flow of my thoughts, which, for the most part, prove positively focused, flexible and prudent in the long run.  When life runs interference with reaching a heartfelt goal, success depends upon thinking with a smart heart, and thinking smart means maintaining a positive attitude when solutions are sought.  Once the little bird took wing and we felt connected and refreshed, the children's minds felt ready to absorb whatever I offered up, next, with the same positive attitude that they'd felt emanating from me ...

You're right, Annie.  A positive attitude is important. That's why I don't like to spend time with people my age. They're such old biddies."

2014

At that point in our discussion, I decided to employ discretion, knowing that a portion of Mom's loneliness was due to how much time she'd spent alone in her condo in the aftermath of Dad's sudden death.  As Mom's closest friends had been about fifteen years younger than she was, their husbands were still living, which meant these friends, whom she'd enjoyed, were not available to spend as much time with a widow as had been true when Mom and Dad had enjoyed an active social life with other couples, who'd also retired to the desert.   During the two years since Dad's death, it had not been unusual for a week to pass in which I was the only person with whom Mom had socialized.  If you question why I'd not insisted that Mom confront the fact that she was probably older than most of the people at the senior center, I'd reply:  Mom's approach to life had been young until Dad died, and I'd learned that our defense systems block us from seeing undesirable changes within ourselves.  Though Mom spent many hours baring her unhappiness to me, she smiled bravely for the world, and no matter how often I'd asked her to go for help, she'd continued to see herself as she'd presented herself to others.  So no matter what I'd say, her wall of denial denied need of change for the better.  More about the next decade of our lives, which drove me to absorb a wealth of knowledge concerning defense mechanisms, which separate our outer lives from our inner lives, later … As for now, let's swing back in time …

2002
"I think it's really great that you're so young at heart, Mom. On the other hand, everyone doesn't turn into an 'old biddy'.  In every group I've ever joined there has been at least one or two people, who connect with me heart fully, mindfully, intimately, as though we're kindred spirits, who enjoy getting to know one another.  Wouldn't you say that was true for you, too?

"No, they're all old ninnies, Annie.

Not to be thrown off track, My train of thought continues to chug gently forward: "Mom—I’m writing about seeking insight into relationships, which are strengthened by positive focus, good humor, and mutual respect. When two minds connect, intuitively and respectfully, common sense suggests that a deeply valued friendship may ripen, over time."

“OK, Annie.  I get it.”
As Mom's attitude is changing, I sense that my mother's brain may be in need of a break, like the kids with the bird, but my on button is stuck and my off button is no where to be found, so I smile and add:

“Mom, just one more thing ... I know you’re concerned about how my stories will portray Grandma Ella, so, rest assured, I'll hold her close to my heart while I write ... There will be no victims or villains in my stories;  just people doing the best that they can when life grows dark.  I plan to point out how often people, who victimize themselves need villains to blame when unhappiness just won't quit.  I'm writing to showcase the reasons why personal perception creates two sides to every story.  By writing our story, I can describe much about life that does not seem to make sense until both sides of the same story connect to create one completely cohesive story.  Since Will knows that my purpose in baring our story is to encourage others to develop a more objective view of their traits in hopes of improving their relationships—especially their relationships with themselves—he's on board with my sharing personal aspects of our history with the world.

But why are you so driven to write for hours, every day?

It's just the way I work ... I wake up 'writing' and can't stop until a train of thought pulls into the station, as though all on its own.  Now that the boys are grown, I feel compelled to reach out to millions and offer a world, hungry for safety and balance, trains of thought, filled with heartfelt, logical, solution seeking insights, each of which speaks of deeper truth.  I hope that by making an example of myself, countless others may feel empowered to embark upon a personal quest to take control over their lives, as well.  Writers are told to write what they know, and while my whole mind is actively engaged in the writing process, my subconscious releases forgotten facts, which change my perception of the past in ways that allow me to know myself more deeply than I had before.  Writing offers me many OMG! moments.

But why can't you write about deeper truth without baring your personal life?

Because people are so busy and so tired at the end of the day that most are not looking to spend whatever down time they have 'learning'.  Stories hold our attention, especially true stories.  So, with Will's permission, I decided to weave as many insights as come to mind into the true story of our lives, which has grown to be a trilogy depicting classic stages of life's ups and downs.

Why a trilogy?

Our story has evolved as classically and naturally as our lives:

Book one:      Insight into Mixed Messages During Childhood.

Book Two:     Insight into Falling in Love, Defensiveness and Marriage

Book Three:  Insight into Separation/Self Empowerment/Reconciliation …

There may be a book four:  Insight into Growing Ripe With Forgiveness As We Age

I entertain the hope that by opening people's eyes to my self defeating patterns, they may grow curious about their own, and curiosity is the first step toward change …