For a variety of reasons, this is proving to be an exceptionally busy week, so editing will follow posting, yet again, when I find time to catch up with myself ...
Though I'd have thought that driving to school would have brought a sixteen year old guy nothing but joy, my son's view of the situation offered me a piece of the bigger picture unseen by his devoted mother
Though Barry's expressive face beamed at his brand, new driver's license with full on pleasure, I watched pride's high spirited delight dull to dismay when faced with the prospect of pulling up to his high school behind the wheel of Big Red.
Mom! I can't drive Big Red to school!
Being a parent, mindful of doling out life's lessons to my young, your friend Annie misjudged the reason behind this dismayed teenager's attitude. With misperception leading the way, I launched into a harangue concerning Barry's good fortune in trading riding his bike for driving a well-maintained automobile to school—tired, thirteen year old hand-me-down though it proved to be.
After listening to his mom express the fact that (cue violins) I'd amiably relied upon public transportation through wind, rain and sleet throughout high school and college, not to speak of riding buses with two babes in arms, because we did not purchase my first car, a second hand clunker, until after Steven's birth, my son replied ...
But Mom—here's what you don't understand ... I'm not upset because Big Red is old! I'm upset because I've spent the past two years building my reputation at school as a jock, and as soon as I pull up in this station wagon with simulated wood siding, my being seen as a jock will turn into a joke, because I'll look like a suburban housewife, for sure!
Upon hearing my son's concern, my concern transformed naturally into a smile, though I felt sorry not to have taken a moment to think before sounding off to what had seemed like a negative lapse in gratitude. Having miscalculated Barry's reasoning, I'd responded with a negative attitude of my own.
Had I thought to remember what I'd recently learned about communicating artfully by making good use of listening skills as well as speaking skills, I'd have held my tongue until after asking why my son couldn't drive Big Red. Had I thought to utilize my newly acquired listening skills, I'd have maintained an objective attitude of neutrality while my son explained a young guy's, age appropriate point of view. Instead, I'd countered so quickly with a dissertation of my own as to shut down any opportunity for Barry's young male perspective to expand upon my own. Though my listening skills were new, I'd heard this next sage expression over most of my life: Think before you speak. This experience is an example of why that statement holds classically true.
As haste caused me to miss that opportunity, here's what transpired ... Rather than age teaching youth to broaden personal perspective, I learned that the narrowness of my perspective had misperceived the focus of a teen ager's natural motivation.
Once I saw how my hasty reaction deemed my good natured son guilty—undeservedly—my judgmental attitude switched to chagrin. Upon listening to my son express his true feeling, based in solid sixteen year old sense, my spirit flooded with humility as seen in my smile softening as soon as understanding replaced whatever emotional expression my face had worn only moments before.
This sense of recognition concerning my missing the boat as to why my good natured son had balked at driving Big Red saw my sense of role modeling leadership arise and by placing my ego in a time out chair, I offered Barry a well deserved, heartfelt apology. Then, as parental apology had been offered sincerely, teen aged tackle accepted my positive reaction so appreciatively that our battle of wills had sound reason to relax into graciousness on both sides, suggesting that, once again, THE COOPERATION GAME led us both to accept a mutual sense of win-win. (COOPERATION GAME is one of five tools, not yet explained in a post.)
The fact that separate opinions had been considered in a calm, caring, mutually respectful manner, emotional fires were doused, allowing different view points to be aired and discussed in depth. And this example of solving problems with thoughtful care to detail offers a bird's eye view of both sides engaging in thought provoking discussions, thus opening opportunities for each to grasp a bigger picture than before. And once bigger pictures emerge, dueling defense systems tend to consciously retreat.
Under Annie's leadership, different points of view were not allowed to create emotional chaos. As long as logic remained intact, the spirit of cooperation was not crushed between discordantly crashing cymbals. As long as both minds focused on preserving an emotionally safe environment, spacious enough to air different points of view, all ages and both sexes co-existed in peace.
Perhaps leadership's solution-seeking success, much more often than not, was due to this fact. Each time Annie felt the need to offer life lessons to her kids, her mind remained open to gleaning lessons from listening to what her kids felt the need to say, and in this way did leadership continue to gain insight into how hard it is to remember to practice what we preach :)
As an end result of growing up in a home where minds were directed toward considering each other's views, a good natured, teen-aged bull found reason to pull in his horns—yet again. As Barry had actually listened when his mother 'played her violin', he absorbed his good fortune at sidestepping public transportation, and thus did the open, intelligent mind of this young football hero, who rose within the year to leadership as captain of his team, graciously accept a suburban hausfrau's mode of transportation. As to Annie, she came to see that her son's young male ego had been age-appropriately focused on impressing teammates, cheerleaders, and pom.
By the time this sixteen year old honor student drove his family's tired, old station wagon into the high school parking lot for the very first time, his imaginative mind had conceived of a plan that just might transform Big Red into a chick magnet machine, after all :)
As for me, I'm still chuckling over listening to Barry's creative ideas spill into our kitchen whenever his inexperienced think tank percolated away. And while listening and laughing, my thank tank continued to thank my lucky stars at having had the mindfulness to absorb lessons in practicing that which leadership preaches to young inventive minds. And in order to make certain that my mind absorbed the importance of listening before reacting, which is far from easy to practice with consistency—I've learned to ask why in hopes of not pointing fingers sticky with misjudgment at loved ones too hastily, too often.
As today's train of thought is about to wind down, please picture me, standing behind a podium, relating this true story, time and again, in hopes of inspiring many audiences in countless auditoriums to think and ask questions before racing toward misjudgment for this reason:
Each time we think to ask questions and openly drink in the views of others before responding, we empower our minds to neutralize negative attitudes that tend to arise from within defense systems that are triggered to lock horns much too quickly. Each time we choose to listen in neutral, it's possible for closed mindsets to open and expand after absorbing sound points of view which differ from one's own.
When two spirits feel receptive to considering information that may broaden each person's scope, narrow mindsets tend to expand so graciously as to empower humility to sit defensive egos in time-out chairs. An ego in time out can't control your mind. You see, its egocentric thinking that crushes logic, resulting in negativity's stubborn, persistent resistance to reconsidering closed minded attitudes.
Upon choosing to open our minds to practicing listening skills, we retrain our brains to consider other view points, good naturally, rather than digging in our heels, offensively or defensively. Once the brain is retrained, we succeed in decreasing the number of times that we need to eat words spoken in haste.
Want to eat less crow? Want to chew the fat with loved ones over what's past with more laughs than recriminatory tears? Time spent diving into self awareness suggests chewing on this lesson in listening before speaking, which Barry's mom had need to practice countless times after her eldest son was sixteen :)
If attitude is everything, then common sense suggests the wisdom of each person in a family reserving brain space to absorb the art of communications, which is divided into five equally important parts:
We need to discern how much to say, when, and to whom
We need to discern how best to say what needs be said
We need to discern need for discretion in terms of what not to say
We need to discern how to listen with both ears tuned into objectively
We need to discern each person's bent toward readiness
More concerning absorbing skilled communications, sometime later ...
As for tomorrow, more about Barry's imaginative thoughts, concerning transforming a suburban housewife's retired old station wagon into captain of the football team's chick magnet machine :)
Though I'd have thought that driving to school would have brought a sixteen year old guy nothing but joy, my son's view of the situation offered me a piece of the bigger picture unseen by his devoted mother
Though Barry's expressive face beamed at his brand, new driver's license with full on pleasure, I watched pride's high spirited delight dull to dismay when faced with the prospect of pulling up to his high school behind the wheel of Big Red.
Mom! I can't drive Big Red to school!
Being a parent, mindful of doling out life's lessons to my young, your friend Annie misjudged the reason behind this dismayed teenager's attitude. With misperception leading the way, I launched into a harangue concerning Barry's good fortune in trading riding his bike for driving a well-maintained automobile to school—tired, thirteen year old hand-me-down though it proved to be.
After listening to his mom express the fact that (cue violins) I'd amiably relied upon public transportation through wind, rain and sleet throughout high school and college, not to speak of riding buses with two babes in arms, because we did not purchase my first car, a second hand clunker, until after Steven's birth, my son replied ...
But Mom—here's what you don't understand ... I'm not upset because Big Red is old! I'm upset because I've spent the past two years building my reputation at school as a jock, and as soon as I pull up in this station wagon with simulated wood siding, my being seen as a jock will turn into a joke, because I'll look like a suburban housewife, for sure!
Upon hearing my son's concern, my concern transformed naturally into a smile, though I felt sorry not to have taken a moment to think before sounding off to what had seemed like a negative lapse in gratitude. Having miscalculated Barry's reasoning, I'd responded with a negative attitude of my own.
Had I thought to remember what I'd recently learned about communicating artfully by making good use of listening skills as well as speaking skills, I'd have held my tongue until after asking why my son couldn't drive Big Red. Had I thought to utilize my newly acquired listening skills, I'd have maintained an objective attitude of neutrality while my son explained a young guy's, age appropriate point of view. Instead, I'd countered so quickly with a dissertation of my own as to shut down any opportunity for Barry's young male perspective to expand upon my own. Though my listening skills were new, I'd heard this next sage expression over most of my life: Think before you speak. This experience is an example of why that statement holds classically true.
As haste caused me to miss that opportunity, here's what transpired ... Rather than age teaching youth to broaden personal perspective, I learned that the narrowness of my perspective had misperceived the focus of a teen ager's natural motivation.
Once I saw how my hasty reaction deemed my good natured son guilty—undeservedly—my judgmental attitude switched to chagrin. Upon listening to my son express his true feeling, based in solid sixteen year old sense, my spirit flooded with humility as seen in my smile softening as soon as understanding replaced whatever emotional expression my face had worn only moments before.
This sense of recognition concerning my missing the boat as to why my good natured son had balked at driving Big Red saw my sense of role modeling leadership arise and by placing my ego in a time out chair, I offered Barry a well deserved, heartfelt apology. Then, as parental apology had been offered sincerely, teen aged tackle accepted my positive reaction so appreciatively that our battle of wills had sound reason to relax into graciousness on both sides, suggesting that, once again, THE COOPERATION GAME led us both to accept a mutual sense of win-win. (COOPERATION GAME is one of five tools, not yet explained in a post.)
The fact that separate opinions had been considered in a calm, caring, mutually respectful manner, emotional fires were doused, allowing different view points to be aired and discussed in depth. And this example of solving problems with thoughtful care to detail offers a bird's eye view of both sides engaging in thought provoking discussions, thus opening opportunities for each to grasp a bigger picture than before. And once bigger pictures emerge, dueling defense systems tend to consciously retreat.
Under Annie's leadership, different points of view were not allowed to create emotional chaos. As long as logic remained intact, the spirit of cooperation was not crushed between discordantly crashing cymbals. As long as both minds focused on preserving an emotionally safe environment, spacious enough to air different points of view, all ages and both sexes co-existed in peace.
Perhaps leadership's solution-seeking success, much more often than not, was due to this fact. Each time Annie felt the need to offer life lessons to her kids, her mind remained open to gleaning lessons from listening to what her kids felt the need to say, and in this way did leadership continue to gain insight into how hard it is to remember to practice what we preach :)
As an end result of growing up in a home where minds were directed toward considering each other's views, a good natured, teen-aged bull found reason to pull in his horns—yet again. As Barry had actually listened when his mother 'played her violin', he absorbed his good fortune at sidestepping public transportation, and thus did the open, intelligent mind of this young football hero, who rose within the year to leadership as captain of his team, graciously accept a suburban hausfrau's mode of transportation. As to Annie, she came to see that her son's young male ego had been age-appropriately focused on impressing teammates, cheerleaders, and pom.
By the time this sixteen year old honor student drove his family's tired, old station wagon into the high school parking lot for the very first time, his imaginative mind had conceived of a plan that just might transform Big Red into a chick magnet machine, after all :)
As for me, I'm still chuckling over listening to Barry's creative ideas spill into our kitchen whenever his inexperienced think tank percolated away. And while listening and laughing, my thank tank continued to thank my lucky stars at having had the mindfulness to absorb lessons in practicing that which leadership preaches to young inventive minds. And in order to make certain that my mind absorbed the importance of listening before reacting, which is far from easy to practice with consistency—I've learned to ask why in hopes of not pointing fingers sticky with misjudgment at loved ones too hastily, too often.
As today's train of thought is about to wind down, please picture me, standing behind a podium, relating this true story, time and again, in hopes of inspiring many audiences in countless auditoriums to think and ask questions before racing toward misjudgment for this reason:
Each time we think to ask questions and openly drink in the views of others before responding, we empower our minds to neutralize negative attitudes that tend to arise from within defense systems that are triggered to lock horns much too quickly. Each time we choose to listen in neutral, it's possible for closed mindsets to open and expand after absorbing sound points of view which differ from one's own.
When two spirits feel receptive to considering information that may broaden each person's scope, narrow mindsets tend to expand so graciously as to empower humility to sit defensive egos in time-out chairs. An ego in time out can't control your mind. You see, its egocentric thinking that crushes logic, resulting in negativity's stubborn, persistent resistance to reconsidering closed minded attitudes.
Upon choosing to open our minds to practicing listening skills, we retrain our brains to consider other view points, good naturally, rather than digging in our heels, offensively or defensively. Once the brain is retrained, we succeed in decreasing the number of times that we need to eat words spoken in haste.
Want to eat less crow? Want to chew the fat with loved ones over what's past with more laughs than recriminatory tears? Time spent diving into self awareness suggests chewing on this lesson in listening before speaking, which Barry's mom had need to practice countless times after her eldest son was sixteen :)
If attitude is everything, then common sense suggests the wisdom of each person in a family reserving brain space to absorb the art of communications, which is divided into five equally important parts:
We need to discern how much to say, when, and to whom
We need to discern how best to say what needs be said
We need to discern need for discretion in terms of what not to say
We need to discern how to listen with both ears tuned into objectively
We need to discern each person's bent toward readiness
More concerning absorbing skilled communications, sometime later ...
As for tomorrow, more about Barry's imaginative thoughts, concerning transforming a suburban housewife's retired old station wagon into captain of the football team's chick magnet machine :)
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