How is it possible that this scenario took place about 36 years ago???
Our sons are eight, six and several months old
We're entertaining several couples for Sunday brunch
Suddenly, that which is commonplace in our home shocks our guests ...
Eight year old Barry runs into the dining room holding a toy up high
Six year old Steven is close on his heels
Baby brother pulls up the rear, crawling as fast as
Hands and knees can move
Guests' jaws drop to hear Barry say:
Mom, we're fighting over this toy, please put it away
Steven shakes head up and down in agreement
Baby brother's think tank absorbs
Self-restraint and problem-solving in action
Though I take all of this in stride, eyes pop all around the table
After thanking the boys for making good use of
Our problem solving plan, I excuse myself with a smile
And place toy on closet shelf, while boys scamper off
Upon my return, guests question that which has surprised them, but
Before I can respond, Steven reappears and says:
Mom, Barry can have the toy first
After thanking Steven for demonstrating generosity and patience
I, excuse myself, again, while
Jaws drop and eyes pop, even more than before
Once toy is handed to Barry, timer is set for 10 minutes
I return to table, and begin to field questions, such as:
You must have choreographed that, right?
How did you get them to do that?
While basking in the glow of watching my sons choose
The-three-step-sanity-saving-problem-solving plan
I laugh as eyes and ears await answers that dance off my tongue:
Well, I guess you might say that we choreographed that scene, but
Not because we have guests, today
Everything you saw has become habitual behavior in that
We each know which consequence to expect when a rule is broken
How did you get that to happen?
How do you match up consequences and rules
Why did you just set the timer?
At this point, I explain our plan from beginning to end:
I taught the boys that toys are for fun
When fun turns into a fight that's a problem
If fighting continues, causing me to intercept the toy
They need to go to time out to calm down
If the fight ends quickly and
One of them chooses to bring the toy to me and ...
If no one is crying or screaming they can see why
Time out is not necessary
Once they came to understand all of that ...
They preferred to choose to problem solve with a logical plan:
Step one in our plan identifies the problem that's taking place
(Problem: Sharing a toy is causing a fight)
Step two in our plan identifies which rule has been broken
(Rule: Toys are for fun not fighting)
Step three suggests logical consequence for breaking that rule
(Consequence: Toy is placed on a high shelf until one person
Offers it to the other)
End result of making good use of three step plan:
One offers toy to the other
Whoever plays with the toy first
Gets it for ten minutes—this is why we set the timer
After ten minutes, the person who demonstrated
Generosity and patience gets the toy for as long as he wants
At first, the plan did not work
At first, both boys fought for dominance and possession
I did not want to play judge and jury and
As I did not know who had the toy first
Or if one was simply bored enough to give the other a hard time
I decided to assume the role of King Solomon for this reason:
I wanted my sons to learn how to work through problems on their own
Before they could do this, a knowledgable leader had to teach them
How to make good use of a set of problem-solving tools
One of these tools is called The Line of Control
The Line of Control is followed by
The Three Step Problem-Solving Plan, which
Teaches the art of compromise and negotiation
With time for learning and changing
My sons chose to stop fighting in favor of
Bringing the toy to me
This change in their attitude offered each of us many opportunities
To praise one another for making calm and collected use of our heads
After our brunch, my astounded guests left—scratching their heads
And I wondered if any of them, all of whom were parents
Chose to introduce our problem solving plan to their kids ...
More tomorrow about how my kids
Took the plan farther than I'd have ever guessed :)
Our sons are eight, six and several months old
We're entertaining several couples for Sunday brunch
Suddenly, that which is commonplace in our home shocks our guests ...
Eight year old Barry runs into the dining room holding a toy up high
Six year old Steven is close on his heels
Baby brother pulls up the rear, crawling as fast as
Hands and knees can move
Guests' jaws drop to hear Barry say:
Mom, we're fighting over this toy, please put it away
Steven shakes head up and down in agreement
Baby brother's think tank absorbs
Self-restraint and problem-solving in action
Though I take all of this in stride, eyes pop all around the table
After thanking the boys for making good use of
Our problem solving plan, I excuse myself with a smile
And place toy on closet shelf, while boys scamper off
Upon my return, guests question that which has surprised them, but
Before I can respond, Steven reappears and says:
Mom, Barry can have the toy first
After thanking Steven for demonstrating generosity and patience
I, excuse myself, again, while
Jaws drop and eyes pop, even more than before
Once toy is handed to Barry, timer is set for 10 minutes
I return to table, and begin to field questions, such as:
You must have choreographed that, right?
How did you get them to do that?
While basking in the glow of watching my sons choose
The-three-step-sanity-saving-problem-solving plan
I laugh as eyes and ears await answers that dance off my tongue:
Well, I guess you might say that we choreographed that scene, but
Not because we have guests, today
Everything you saw has become habitual behavior in that
We each know which consequence to expect when a rule is broken
How did you get that to happen?
How do you match up consequences and rules
Why did you just set the timer?
At this point, I explain our plan from beginning to end:
I taught the boys that toys are for fun
When fun turns into a fight that's a problem
If fighting continues, causing me to intercept the toy
They need to go to time out to calm down
If the fight ends quickly and
One of them chooses to bring the toy to me and ...
If no one is crying or screaming they can see why
Time out is not necessary
Once they came to understand all of that ...
They preferred to choose to problem solve with a logical plan:
Step one in our plan identifies the problem that's taking place
(Problem: Sharing a toy is causing a fight)
Step two in our plan identifies which rule has been broken
(Rule: Toys are for fun not fighting)
Step three suggests logical consequence for breaking that rule
(Consequence: Toy is placed on a high shelf until one person
Offers it to the other)
End result of making good use of three step plan:
One offers toy to the other
Whoever plays with the toy first
Gets it for ten minutes—this is why we set the timer
After ten minutes, the person who demonstrated
Generosity and patience gets the toy for as long as he wants
At first, the plan did not work
At first, both boys fought for dominance and possession
I did not want to play judge and jury and
As I did not know who had the toy first
Or if one was simply bored enough to give the other a hard time
I decided to assume the role of King Solomon for this reason:
I wanted my sons to learn how to work through problems on their own
Before they could do this, a knowledgable leader had to teach them
How to make good use of a set of problem-solving tools
One of these tools is called The Line of Control
The Line of Control is followed by
The Three Step Problem-Solving Plan, which
Teaches the art of compromise and negotiation
With time for learning and changing
My sons chose to stop fighting in favor of
Bringing the toy to me
This change in their attitude offered each of us many opportunities
To praise one another for making calm and collected use of our heads
After our brunch, my astounded guests left—scratching their heads
And I wondered if any of them, all of whom were parents
Chose to introduce our problem solving plan to their kids ...
More tomorrow about how my kids
Took the plan farther than I'd have ever guessed :)
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