Let's consider how conscious changes in attitude resolve conflicts ...
For example, let's consider what happens in a love relationship when one person's attitude hangs like a weight around another person's neck? Love strangles. When love strangles, clarity suggests that something negative is in need of changing. As it's common for power struggles to arise between two individuals who love each other, let's see how one power struggle was successfully resolved when a beloved child had a hard time separating from parental devotion at bedtime, night after night:
Soon after moving into our new home, David, who was four, had a hard time unwrapping his arms from around my neck, each night. As saying good night turned into a battle to separate peaceably from my child, necessity—being the mother of invention—came up with a consequence that resolved our conflict speedily.
In order for any lesson to be meaningful to the very young, consequences must be simple to understand; they must make sense and take place soon after misbehavior occurs. Once it became obvious that this neck strangling hug was not about to disappear on its own, my think tank churned out a logical consequence that nipped this problem in the bud :)
Sometime before bedtime, I told my little guy to expect a change at the end of his nightly routine.
Then while verbally reviewing each step of his bedtime routine, I added this new last step:
I explained that after bath time, P J's, a drink of water, teeth brushing, and story time, our hug and kiss good night would change.
Then, I offered this explanation as to why the hugging part of his bedtime routine needed to change:
It is a problem that I have to pull away and then you go to sleep sad enough to cry.
This is a sad way for us to end our happy days.
It is your choice to feel sad or happy, after we hug and kiss, every night.
Lately, you have been choosing sad, so here is what needs to change:
From now on, you'll have one drink before jumping into bed.
Then, we'll enjoy story time, just like always.
When I lean over to kiss you, we'll enjoy a happy hug
And we'll count to three
If you choose not to let go when we say three
I'll remind you one time to release me, sweetly
I'll remind you that hugs are supposed to make both people feel happy
If you choose not to let go, I'll need to say these words:
Please gently take your arms from around my neck,
Or else you and I will both feel sad ...
I love you and love to hug and kiss you, good night
Hugs and kisses are meant to make us both feel glad
If you choose to hang on and then cry when I walk out
I can't help you to change your mind (attitude)
So, I'll have to help myself in this way:
If I have to pull away and leave you crying instead of smiling
Then tomorrow night, I'll have to say good night
While standing in your doorway and
Instead of hugging and kissing each other for real
I'll throw you a hug and kiss from the doorway
This will not be my first choice
My first choice is to hug and kiss you for real, every night
However, this consequence will take place, tomorrow
If you cannot let go of me, peacefully, right now
I hope our good night, tonight will feel warm and cozy to both
I hope our good nights, from now on, will make us both feel glad
I outlined this new plan for my child before his bed time
Then, when it came time to hug and kiss, goodnight
I repeated the change in attitude that I'd hoped for, again
As soon as story time was done
I asked David to repeat our new plan
To make certain that he understood his choices
That night, he did not let go of my neck
After telling him I loved him but
Would not come back in, my four year old cried himself to sleep
The next night, I reminded him of my desire
To hug and kiss him for real ...
Then I remind him, lovingly, of HIS decision
Not to let go of me the night before
And that I'm sad not to be able to sit on his bed
In order to share our happy good night hug and kiss
Instead, I'd need to throw his hug and kiss from the door
And of course, when that's what happened, he cried again
The night after that, following story time
I asked him to tell me his choice
Then he and I smiled from deep inside
While listening to a small tyke say
After we kiss and hug, I'll let go and we will both feel better
And as that is exactly what happened ...
Because that was HIS decision
Our power struggle resolved
And from then on whenever it was time
To hug and kiss goodnight at bedtime
Both of us felt happy—as fast as—
One two three! :)
For example, let's consider what happens in a love relationship when one person's attitude hangs like a weight around another person's neck? Love strangles. When love strangles, clarity suggests that something negative is in need of changing. As it's common for power struggles to arise between two individuals who love each other, let's see how one power struggle was successfully resolved when a beloved child had a hard time separating from parental devotion at bedtime, night after night:
Soon after moving into our new home, David, who was four, had a hard time unwrapping his arms from around my neck, each night. As saying good night turned into a battle to separate peaceably from my child, necessity—being the mother of invention—came up with a consequence that resolved our conflict speedily.
In order for any lesson to be meaningful to the very young, consequences must be simple to understand; they must make sense and take place soon after misbehavior occurs. Once it became obvious that this neck strangling hug was not about to disappear on its own, my think tank churned out a logical consequence that nipped this problem in the bud :)
Sometime before bedtime, I told my little guy to expect a change at the end of his nightly routine.
Then while verbally reviewing each step of his bedtime routine, I added this new last step:
I explained that after bath time, P J's, a drink of water, teeth brushing, and story time, our hug and kiss good night would change.
Then, I offered this explanation as to why the hugging part of his bedtime routine needed to change:
It is a problem that I have to pull away and then you go to sleep sad enough to cry.
This is a sad way for us to end our happy days.
It is your choice to feel sad or happy, after we hug and kiss, every night.
Lately, you have been choosing sad, so here is what needs to change:
From now on, you'll have one drink before jumping into bed.
Then, we'll enjoy story time, just like always.
When I lean over to kiss you, we'll enjoy a happy hug
And we'll count to three
If you choose not to let go when we say three
I'll remind you one time to release me, sweetly
I'll remind you that hugs are supposed to make both people feel happy
If you choose not to let go, I'll need to say these words:
Please gently take your arms from around my neck,
Or else you and I will both feel sad ...
I love you and love to hug and kiss you, good night
Hugs and kisses are meant to make us both feel glad
If you choose to hang on and then cry when I walk out
I can't help you to change your mind (attitude)
So, I'll have to help myself in this way:
If I have to pull away and leave you crying instead of smiling
Then tomorrow night, I'll have to say good night
While standing in your doorway and
Instead of hugging and kissing each other for real
I'll throw you a hug and kiss from the doorway
This will not be my first choice
My first choice is to hug and kiss you for real, every night
However, this consequence will take place, tomorrow
If you cannot let go of me, peacefully, right now
I hope our good night, tonight will feel warm and cozy to both
I hope our good nights, from now on, will make us both feel glad
I outlined this new plan for my child before his bed time
Then, when it came time to hug and kiss, goodnight
I repeated the change in attitude that I'd hoped for, again
As soon as story time was done
I asked David to repeat our new plan
To make certain that he understood his choices
That night, he did not let go of my neck
After telling him I loved him but
Would not come back in, my four year old cried himself to sleep
The next night, I reminded him of my desire
To hug and kiss him for real ...
Then I remind him, lovingly, of HIS decision
Not to let go of me the night before
And that I'm sad not to be able to sit on his bed
In order to share our happy good night hug and kiss
Instead, I'd need to throw his hug and kiss from the door
And of course, when that's what happened, he cried again
The night after that, following story time
I asked him to tell me his choice
Then he and I smiled from deep inside
While listening to a small tyke say
After we kiss and hug, I'll let go and we will both feel better
And as that is exactly what happened ...
Because that was HIS decision
Our power struggle resolved
And from then on whenever it was time
To hug and kiss goodnight at bedtime
Both of us felt happy—as fast as—
One two three! :)
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