Wednesday, July 31, 2013

769 BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET ... REPLACED BY—WHAT THE HECK!!! :) Part 10

Sorry I didn't get back to you, yesterday
Rather than adding to my post, I changed my mind and edited Monday's lengthy stream of consciousness, clarifying thoughts rather than condensing them :)

So—back in the kitchen, we're gathered round the table, where a trio of growing boys are woofing down another meal, when conversation turns to replacing Big Red for a variety of reasons: 

We live in a suburb where public transportation remains undeveloped, so all five of us agree that in order to function at full capacity, our busy lives need a reliable, third vehicle ... or I'll need to hire an assistant chauffeur.

Though I'd once made dinner, every evening, that's changed over the past several years for this reason:  In addition to driving to three schools (we chose schools out of our district, so no bus service for us), I drive so many late afternoon carpools to so many practices and Hebrew school, as well as to orthodontist appointments and what have you—after teaching at the college—that I need to give myself a break from stretching too thin by picking up dinner at least twice a week.

When Will expresses dismay at this change, I reply:
No matter how hard I try, I can't figure out how to cook in the car.
Later, when the kids aren't around, I expand upon my new mindset by adding:

I need to conserve whatever energy I have left at the end of the day, so I'll cook up special treats in the kitchen or the bedroom, it's your choice :)

Anyway back in the kitchen where we're eating Chinese, Will is busting his brain to figure out how to buy another car without taxing his wallet.

Though we frequently discuss the difference between wants and needs with our sons, adults are just like kids when it comes to denying themselves luxuries, which, over time, feel like needs.  For example, I couldn't imagine going back to pushing a buggy with two babes and our laundry to the laundermat after we'd purchased a washer and dryer.  I mean, think of the luxury of my running down two full flights of stairs, toting laundry basket, while two tykes, trailing eagerly behind me, can't wait to race their trikes around our small cement back yard while I disappear for a sec into our apartment building's basement to throw another load into one of our brand new machines—dreaming of the day when we'd have a dishwasher, too.

Now those tykes on trikes are teens driving cars, downing Chinese, while we five are discussing our family's need to replace Red without giving up anything, like our family ski trips or sending our sons to overnight camp.  And as the boys had attended a pricy, private school until starting high school (our climate may be ideal for most of the year, but our urban schools rank amongst the worst in the country), we'd needed to pay hefty grammar school tuitions instead of saving for college, which looms directly ahead, times three, and perhaps grad school, times three, after that ... so while I juggle teaching, writing and everything that constitutes family life, and Will's performing surgery, there's lots to consider that could give the pratical mind of any hard working guy a royal headache and a half.  Also, the fact that we'd met our needs, early on, by purchasing large items with time payment books (we couldn't qualify for a credit card back in the day) Will considers loans, which add huge sums of interest onto the price of a car, a waste of his hard earned money, so he pays cash, and his sense of practicality, combined with mine, maintain the good health of our cars for quite a few years.

The only car that Will bought with any show of passion was the fire engine red GTO with the black cordova top and matching leather interior, which he chose and both of us loved while I was pregnant with Barry.  Oh wait!  We also loved his canary-yellow T-Bird—for less than a year—until the accident nearly put out my lights when Barry was nine, Steven seven, and David twenty months—so safety felt paramount ... 

Please make no mistake, I'm not taking out the violin.
I'm not dismissing the luxurious lifestyle we'd worked to develop—over time—and to which we'd grown accustomed after starting out with nothing, like Barefoot in the Park, except for this significant bonus:  Both Will's life and mine were immeasurably enriched by our parents' generous gift, offering us superior educations.

So, what am I getting at by penning this post?  I'm simply painting a picture of our family at dinner, where discussions, engaging five minds, created a balance between luxury and practicality in the aftermath of Big Red's untimely demise.

Anyway, one night that week, when driving is driving me close to crazy, Will brings home THE AUTO TRADER (or whatever that publication was called) and suggests our looking at used cars.

With great eagerness, Barry's mind dives into the publication, and his spirit pulls out a plum:  A teen-aged guy's chick magnet dream come true ...
A Dodge Ram!

Will calls and makes an appointment for all of us to see the car on Saturday :)

Barry's spirit, sprinting toward the weekend, floods with so much excitement, he can barely sleep for the next two nights :)

The fact that both men are on the same page offers my spirit reason to smile, so my mind drifts from conscious awareness into a deep, serene sleep.

Serenity in family life is rare
Thus, just as with moments of pure joy ...
Serenity is to be treasured :)

Finally, it's Saturday, so after football practice and soccer games, we pile all of our excitement into Will's car and drive out to inspect the Ram.
Barry falls in love at first sight.
Will finds fault with it.
Will's also got a new bee buzzing round in his mind.
Hey!  If we find the right vehicle, we can pile all of our ski gear into it and drive two hours up to the mountains for a weekend or two.  This thought directs the head of the house (we were raised in the fifties) away from purchasing teen-aged son's chick magnet dream car come true ...

Serenity is no where to be seen as we drive home, leaving Barry's dashed dream of driving the Ram to school in the dust ...

Though commiserating with the depth of Barry's angst, my mind hangs on to Will's great idea of purchasing a vehicle that will provide us with opportunities to ski, thus strengthening family connectedness—I mean, other than attending professional sporting events, how many activities can you name that teens feel eager to do with their parents, for entire weekends—so with that train of thought stoking my spirit with positive focus, most of my mind jumps onto Will's band wagon ...

Next thing we know, it's Sunday, and Will, who disappears for a couple of hours, pulls into our circular driveway at the wheel of a very large, gray vehicle.  (Truthfully, I can't remember how Will got that car home, so I'm consciously grabbing at creative writing license, right now :)

Will bounds into the front door and calls out for all of us to join him outside. His enthusiasm is contagious, so dropping whatever we're doing, we run outside and get our first look at—The Beast ...

One look is all it takes for Barry's face to turn as grey as the car, and my son shoots me that look, suggesting he's seething darkly with angst—OMG, he emotes aloud—This is WORSE than Big Red! 

But, Barry, I implore, we'll ski more often.

My son's response?  Nada but smouldering distate.  He spins on his heels and sends himself to his room to calm down.  By this time, making consistent use of time out and the line of control when flames of fury ignite are habitual for Annie and her kids.

Eventually when wild fire is reasonably banked, Barry returns and drops his impassioned reaction into my lap—I mean into my ear.  Why my ear?  Not because Mom's a push over, but because, generally, we seek out the mind most likely to listen to distress with compassion when we feel the need to air our most ferverent disappointments—then, he and I make good use of the-sanity-saving-three-step-problem-solving plan in hopes of resolving today's conflict.

Whether Barry realizes this or not, I sense that my son is not just looking to sound off.  Barry, like his brothers, looks to me as a source of common sense, working to encourages youth to learn to accept the fact that life demands plans for accomodating everyone's needs to a reasonable extent.  So after calming down in time out and seeking a mind atuned to listening to another person's need to release frustration in a healthy manner, we are both ready to brainstorm the problem at hand from every angle, because solutions do not emerge from the deep end of the brain until needles of negativity stop darting, painfully, inro both sides of the mind.

After listening to my son's frustration
The voice of reason responds first with acknowledgment:
I know how disappointed you must be
As Barry's senses that we're truly on the same page
His attitude begins to readjust naturally toward center ...
And in this logical manner do two emotional minds
Begin to take control over their powers of reasoning:
Sensing this change, leadership suggests ...
Keeper of the purse strings needs and deserves peace of mind
Mom needs help with the driving
Barry needs that which most teens need—
Experiments with independent thought
Our active family needs time for togetherness, provided by ski trips
Then comes the violins:
Dad's family did not own a car
Dad borrowed my mom's car while we dated
Dad and I didn't own a car till we were married ... and then
Our transportation, a stripped down, vanilla Chevy II ...
No radio, no automatic anything
Felt like mana from heaven because this engine on four wheels
And been a car that Barry's uncle had won in a contest
And sold to us for a $1,000, which
Cleaned out our weddiing gift bank account
And you can bet that we were thrilled to have it!
As for me, I didn't have so much as a clunker till Steven was born
Dad's unilateral choice will meet many of our family's present needs ...

Believe me when I say that after our conversation
Barry left my room quietly resigned but naturally
wooden, crestfallen cloak covered his normally animated face
Teen dreams, dashed to smithereens, brood deeply inside ... 
Believe me when I say that
In lieu of a crystal ball, we had no way to foresee that
The Beast, which had replaced good, old, trusty Big Red
Was about to meet none of our busy family's many needs ...
In fact, with time, all five of our deeply frustrated reactions
Are bound to match
Barry's ... 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

768 BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET ... WHAT'S UP NEXT? :) Part 9

Be careful what you wish for ...
Barry is about to find out that Big Red's demise was not the end to his troubles, because conflicting needs, creating a great divide between teen-aged angst and adult practicality, was about to grow more intense ...

Though this is all the time I have for posting, right now, I hope to describe this next scene if time to write frees up later in the day ... so if you choose to return, I'll see you then ... :)

Monday, July 29, 2013

767 BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET ... INNER CONFLICT: TWO VALUES :) Part 8

Cars for Cancer?
What's that?
Cars for Cancer, it's a charity ...
They'll actually come and cart Big Red away for free?
And we'll get a tax credit for donating Big Red?
Yes, they salvage and sell the car's functioning parts :)
Where did we get such welcome information?
A newspaper ad or article?
A friend?
Can't remember that
But I remember this:
Smiles all around
A guy who went to high school with me, now a car dealer in Phoenix
Wrote the appraisal and as receiving a substantial tax break
Made Dad dance for joy
As did Barry ...
Mom, happy to see her men folk happy, is the only one who
Stands at the front door, watching wistfully on that fateful day
When Cars for Cancer
Hooks trusty friend up to tow truck and hauls Big Red away
Wistful ... why?
Because Red personifies countless happy family moments
Which had offered my spirit reason
To sparkle with parental satisfaction
And as Big Red had been the first car, chosen by and for myself ...
And since we remember our 'firsts'
And since I have been bumped back to
Driving a hand-me-down, again ... well ...
Upon reflection, I guess it's fair to surmise that
The lump rising in my throat
While watching Red towed out of our circular driveway ...
And down the street until she turns the corner and
Without so much as a wave, disappears—forever
Is due to the fact that one side of my mind
Mirrors Barry's inner conflict because
In all honesty ...
I'm not happy to be driving a hand me down that
Was not 'me' when it was new
I mean anyone who knows me would agree to this fact:
If shown every color in the rainbow
Brown and beige are the last colors
That this person, whose ski nickname was 'Red'
Would freely choose to decorate her life
I mean, brown and beige may be great—but not for me
And though reflection suggests that
A resentful slice of my mind bristles
Each time I slide into the driver's seat of today's hand-me-down
My self respect has not yet developed a voice, directing
The pleaser in me to sit in time out so that
Emotional maturity can stand up and clearly
Declare myself my husband's equal partner in the roles that
We'd chosen (?) for ourselves early on when inexperience
Had yet to consider this fact:
conscious connection tpersonal growth
Proves necessary at each stage of life if
We hope to develop into the most mature version of ourselves
And as that train of thought had not yet dawned on either of us, and
Since I'd not yet thought to identify my needs—which had
A way of whispering resignation into my ear, every day ...
I had no awareness of my need to expand upon
Mindsets inherited from my parents' generation, which had imprinted
An indelible sense of right and wrong into my mind, concerning
The good girl role I should accept as my own in terms of family life
And since honoring my spirit's independent need for
Personal growth had not yet clarified inside my mind's eye
I'd no clue as to which of my attitudes
Continued to remain firmly rooted
Within my brain's grammar school rule book ...
And as long as I remained unaware of
My sixth sense whispering of my need for
Expansive thought processing change ...
And as long as I remained unaware of
Which mindsets had been in need of reconsideration
I had no clue as to that which irritated my sense of inner peace
And here is why this confused state of mind persisted for years:
The logical part of my mind had no clue that
No one could give my think tank permission
To think freely and clearly and rationally and expansively about
Changing my attachment to mindsets
That forbade me from identifying much less meeting
My needs except for—me
In the absence of self awareness, the whispers of
My spirit voice could not be heard, guiding me toward
Mustering the courage to expand narrow mindsets which had
Constricted my need for personal growth
In the absence of logic, speaking truth to me ...
Inner conflict continued to power-struggle with
Opportunity's attempts to entice me to experiment with
Positively focused change
And as I'd no clue that inner conflict is actually
Opportunity signaling my mind, repeatedly,
To consider my spirit's need to
Experiment with personal growth experientially ...
Most of my mind leaned toward paying attention to
That which had always been expected of me rather than
Reconsidering which overbearing mindset was
In need of remodeling, and thus
Rather than making good use of logic to embrace
Positively focused change by mustering
The courage to truly think for myself—
I placed personal growth in time out until
My spirit sunk into a complacent but resentful funk ...
And as long as my spirit's need for personal growth
Escaped my conscious awareness—
I'd no clue of my need to sweep
Outdated 'shoulds'—which clutter
Every mind to one extent or the other—out of my junk drawer
On the other hand, I also had no clue that
Inner conflict suggests that
One side of my mind is signaling the other side to
Pay attention to my spirit's need to
Free up all of my brain space in hopes of
My wholly embracing
A brand new sense of personal freedom, which
Would permit me to choose a path where
I'd continue to develop into
My truest, most mature adult self ... but, alas ...
Emotional turbulence caused my mind
To remain stuck, wandering through
A darkly confused, never ending maze to question why
Mother Nature gave us the gift of inner conflict in the first place!
Upon embarking on my quest for self discovery
I came to see inner conflict as Mother Nature's way
Of suggesting that I needed to open both eyes, both ears and
Both sides of our brains in order to absorb deeper truths like this one:
During moments fraught with inner conflict, it seems like
My two most important values are at war:
Be true to yourself
Be true to those you love
In the absence of logic ...
I'd thought those two values were at war inside my head
In the absence of logic ...
I'd embraced the false premise that inner conflict made
Me to go to war against myself
And as long as my mind was divided
I failed to see inner conflict as
Guiding my sense of logic toward reconsidering
Mindsets too limiting for personal growth
So how did I learn to resolve inner conflict which
Divides my mind against itself?  Well— one day
My spirit voice stood up and instructed both sides of my mind
To connect and dive as a whole
A whole lot deeper into my soul than ever before—until
My courageous adventures into soul searching discovered
One insight after another—until
A string of insights lit up every corner of my entire brain
Offering me clarity into a slew of deeper truths, such as this one:
The sum of my traits makes up my whole, true self!
On the day when the light at the end of the tunnel
Finally offered me a clear shot at
Expanding my narrow mindset, concerning
My two most important values being at war
Clarity shone a spot light upon a misperception, which had
Thwarted my mind from exploring
The great unknown with self trust intact ... and ...
Guess who appeared inside my mind's eye, directing
The spot light at deeper truth?
None other than the spirit of Socrates, who'd hovered so closely
To my sense of balance as to whisper
Deeper truth into both of my ears, thus
Inspiring me to absorb sage advice, pouring common sense into
Both sides of my brain:  Annie, whispered the sage ... 
Readiness is everything, so when thou doth believe
The time is ripe to fill your sixth sense with self trust
That's when your spirit voice will redirect your think tank
To seriously consider this fact:
Your two most highly revered values are not at war, at all
In fact, deeper truth suggests that
Your two most highly revered values are
Actually one and the same!
At this, my mind reeled, the maze seeming
More confounding than ever before
And seeing my confusion, Socrates, smiled patiently while
Whispering, once again, that if I wanted
To make better use of logic
I'd need to dive into my think tank ever more deeply—
Repeatedly—until I emerged from soul-searching with
Buried treasure in the form of an insight that
Proved more vital to my sense of personal freedom than
Any highlighted in any post, thus far
And as I graciously sponge up every sageful thought that
I've chosen to read and absorb about personal growth ...
My spirit held it's breath while I dived with both eyes and both ears
Open, ever more earnestly, into the deep end of my mind, where
I chose to swim through rapids
Of swirling whirlpools of thought until clarity clarified
The bigger picture that Socrates had
So valiantly pointed out to me time and again ... and
Here is the insightful treasure that clarified my spiritual need for
Expansive mindsets as never before:
Socrates said:  Annie, you can not be true to those you love
Until you are true to acknowledging and accepting
Both sides of yourself
At this I gasped, swallowed water and choked out
A breathless—OMG—why didn't anyone think to tell me this before?
Smiling sagely, Socrates replied:  Somethings we need to learn
For ourselves, and that's why experience proves the best
Teacher, time and again
With this deeper truth tucked into my bonnet
A bright light of crystal clear clarity
Swept daunting smokescreens out of my conscious mind
And this dawning was mine:
I could not be true to myself unless
I grew to know know myself, through and through and
I could not know myself, through and through
until I'd specifically identified my unmet needs
I mean think about it:
If I am not honest with myself then pretense leads me astray
And if I walk through life cloaked in pretense than how
Can I hope to be true to anyone who thinks to know me well???
As Socrates listened to both sides of my mind speaking as one
The sage clapped with delight and with a flutter of wings
He straightened his halo while saying:  By jove, I think she's got it!
Then, tossing me a cheek splitting grin
My spirit friend disappeared into thin air
As for me, well, so absorbed was I
In my new train of thought that
I barely heard wisdom's last whispery insight—
Annie, you've chosen to live an exemplary good-girl life ...
As you approach life's fourth challenging stage, it's time to believe
That you deserve to bend rules and experiment with experiencing pure joy
So give yourself a break, embrace inner conflict as a gift, take
As many leaps of faith as personal growth can accept and—just go for it! :)
Upon sensing my whole mind offering my wholesome self
Permission to experience pure joy—no matter how many
Challenges life heaps upon my plate
My brow began to unfurrow; however, my mind was still
So deep in thought, trying to make sense of
Being true to my loved ones and myself all at once that
I could not even begin to consider
My need to experience pure joy—no matter
What else was going on as of yet ...
So here I am, questioning how to make good use of logic
In hopes of being true to my loved ones as well as myself
When suddenly—my swirling thoughts, swarming like fireflies
Caught in a jar, whirl into this giant sized, electrifying epiphany:
I could not be true to my loved ones until
I identified my unmet needs, and
Satisfying my needs meant not closing the door
To that which offered my spirit sound reason to soar with joy
And if I continued to subbornly deny my spirit's need
To accept life's generosity in continuing to
Offer me opportunities to enjoy experiences
That enriched my mind with purity of thought that resulted in
Suffusing my entire being, through and through with joy
Then my connection to personal growth
Would decrease in direct proportion to
My choice to ignore my needs—which I had done, good naturedly
For most of my life ...
By jove—Socrates was right—I got it!!
I got this epiphanastic train of thought, born of
KNOW THYSELF
Suggesting that each time I ignore opportunity's gift
To experience pure joy ...
I am not being true to my deepest self, at all—
And if I am not true to myself then ...
I am not myself, and if not myself, then who am I?
Well, I can tell you this!  I am certainly not a guy ...
Because had I been a guy like Socrates,
I'd have said all of this in two words:  Know thyself
But being a woman, I do my thinking out loud
And not until I know both sides of myself
And choose to free myself to truly be myself
Can I expect myself to be true to anyone
Who, as of now, mistakenly thinks to know me well?
In short, how often do I hide thoughts and feelings
That my spirit really needs to consciously consider
Concerning thriving by reconsidering mindsets
Based in the 'shoulds'?
Each time I recall being blessed by mindful visits
With the sage—
Who'd been poisoned for voicing his beliefs by
The narrow minded fears of his peers—
I smile at this thought:
Before I can truly be myself and give the best of myself
I must Know more about myself ...
Not the self I think to know, today, but I must acknowledge
Traits that arise from within my mind when my needs are denied
Traits which my egocentric self perception
Refuses to acknowledge!
And once this brand new awareness, concerning blind denial
Burned bright within my soul
This very good girl began to develop into
A free spirited, mindfully self aware adult who
Chooses to experiment with bending this rule and that rule
Just enough to allow my spirit
To enjoy experiential connection with fulfilling my unmet needs ...
And each time the courageous side of my mind
Chooses to sweep another narrow mindset that
Fills my mind with self doubt to the curb, thus
Opening brain space for positive focus, which offers my spirit
Permission to connect freely
With an energy source that suffuses my whole being with pure joy
My spirit soars so high that all of me sparkles as naturally as
A beam of pure sunlight streaking across
The endless expanse of a clear blue sky ... and
As a result of consciously choosing to free my spirit to
Attach to a balance of emotion and common sense
I offer both sides of my mind clear/ance from fear to
Satisfy reasonable portions of my ummet needs ...
And as long as I focuse my sights on this positive path
Every atom of my being feels free to wholly
Offer my loved ones more of my positively focused side
Than ever before, suggesting that by
Fulfilling my needs—in moderation
My spirit energizes generosity to fulfill more of their needs without
Alfred Proofrock's resignation burning a slowly smoldering hole
Into my overall sense of well being
Therefore, each time I permit the essence of my spirit
To freely interconnect with my source of pure joy
My connection to balanced wellness feels fully stoked!
So having stuck with me during this stream of consciousness
Perhaps you, too, can see why I feel the need
To pen posts like these, concerning insights clarifying this fact:
When I am true to myself in terms of
Fulfilling my needs
That's when I truly offer the best of myself
To my loved ones, as well!
Uh—on another note I feel the need to switch tracks, because—
Along with self trust comes responsibility in terms of
Self restraint, which stops me
From running headlong into the great unknown—mindlessly ...
At this point, emotional maturity relies upon the partnership of
Patience, generosity of spirit, self contol, creative thinking and
good natured common sense (logic) to serve as my daily guides
At this point, insight into the courage of my convictions believes
That given time to dive, clarity into confounding emotional turmoil
Will sweep consterntion, based in not valuing inner conflict, away
Therefore, each time
Inner conflict disrupts my sense of inner peace, today ...
I swim toward it cautiously, with
Both eyes seeking positive focus and
Both ears atuned to Socrates whispering of ...
Know thy need for personal growth
And each time I have reason to reconsider
Yesterday's limited perceptions concerning
What constitutes my proper role
In our family's life, I remind myself to consider this fact:
Everyone's needs tend to change for sound reason at
Every stage of life
Once your friend, Annie, came to understand how often
My attachment to yesterday's proprieties
Had limited my ability to accept the importance of
My personal feelings, points of view and
Independent trains of thought, I embraced
Both sides of my mind belong 'soully' to—me
And the more I come to know and accept myself as a whole
The more I experience bright streaks of insight
Riding out of my depths on trains of thought, which
Highlight deeper truths like those, which—
Dancing free of fearful restraint—
Fly free of old mindsets and soar out into cyberspace
In post after post, day after day ... and
If you ask ... Annie, don't you regret having waited so long
To offer your emotional intelligence
The freedom to meet your needs while
Taking good care of
The needs of those you love, I'd say ... seriously ...
Readiness is everything for this sound reason:
Maturity in terms of balancing emotion with
Independent thought, concerning
Perfection—which we have been taught
To expect of ourselves takes patience, because
Personal development does not take place over night ...
In fact, the very nature of the word development suggests
Mindsets inching forward on a positively focused path ...
Where each person makes headway toward embracing
An emotionally healthy, wholesome sense of
Open minded expansion one painful step at a time
And as we each tread upon this path, inner conflict persists until
Strings of interconnected insights into deeper truth brighten
Dark spots inside your mind like sunbeams so bright as to
Streak straight through confusion until
You feel the epiphany of clarity suggesting
Socrates whispering of wisdom in terms of accepting
Both sides of yourself as a healthy, whole, imperfect human being
And upon embracing yourself as a whole
Your spirit may feel as enriched and peaceful as mine
... And—Oh my gosh ...
Please believe me when I say that
Each time I remember to accept both sides of me as
A whole (emotionally balanced) human being
Your friend, Annie, experiences
truly indescribably serene sense of reliefSuper whew!!  :)
And now that you've read
This stream of consciousness, which poured out freely from within
My open minded, sense of self trust, I hope you, too
May choose to embrace inner conflict, which causes the mind
To wrestle with a sense of restlessness that indicates
Your need for personal growth, resulting in pure joy :)

BTW if you think that upon awakening, today, I had any clue of
Penning this post about my gaining insight into how
My subconscious works in tandem with my conscious awareness
Until my sixth sense expands the narrow scope of
My mindsets until—
Epiphany has gained every opportunity to break through
Painful bouts of inner conflict, like
A chick pecking it's way out of it's self-protective shell—well—
Please think again ... because
At this point in my development
My spirit gives my brain free rein to pen
Streams of consciousness until trains of thought
Pull both sides of my mind
Into stations where my quest for understanding life and love
Goes toe to toe with
Bouts of inner conflict that suggests my brain interacting with growth
You see, if I hope to gracefully change mindsets, striding
Toward making gains in growth past yesterday's pain then
I must embrace the fact that working toward clarity
Into deeper truth actually takes place
Inside the depths of both sides of my mind 24 hour a day!
And honestly, you can believe me when I say that
Here is the most vital insight that I've gleaned
From my visits with the spirit of Socraties, thus far:
An insight a day holds the blues at bay!!!  :) :) :) 

If asked what's claiming space inside my mind, right now, I'd reply—
Well, I've used up all my time to write, today, because my son, Steven, who has grown to be a free thinking, deeply thoughtful, compassionate and productive adult just called—
Hi Mom—we can all use a good laugh, so let's take Pop to see a dumb movie, today.

Though Steven's plate is overflowing, right now, our son knows the serious nature of what's going on with us—and his heartfelt idea is just what the doctor ordered, so after jumping into the hot tub to excerise the good health of my body, I'll ready my spirit to enjoy popcorn and the company of this loving son, who'd had the good fortune not to squire girls in my trusty, rusty friend, Big Red—uhhh, on second thought, I think it best to satisfy my sudden need to release one last train of thought before closing up shop for today ...

When life's serious stuff causes our family to wear furrowed frowns
We take turns figuring out how
To turn our frowns into smiles, all around
Originally, creating positively focused change in terms of
Considering everyone's needs, reasonably
Did not take place, naturally ...
Originally, creating positive change
Demanded years of well grounded, deep thinking, all around ...
First on the part of role modeling leadership
And now—resultant of
Leadership's attentiveness to positively focused mindset expansion—
Guess who's reaping the rewards of fruitful ideas circling round :)

Tomorrow—we adventure toward—Big Red's surprising replacement ... :)


Sunday, July 28, 2013

766. BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET, SURVIVOR NO MORE :) Part 7

At dinner on the night that our family's tired, old war horse limped home for her last hurrah, Dad explains that Big Red has suffered a sustainable stroke in that she'd simply dropped her transmission.  Then our hard working, keeper of purse strings clarifies why he'd chosen to open his wallet and pump fresh blood into our old friend in hopes of reviving the old girl one last time:  I'm really not ready to buy another new car, and sighing with relief, my husband digs into whatever I'd cooked up for dinner.  Though my husband's relief feels contagious to me, I'm keenly aware of Barry's passive resistence to resuscitating Big Red.

If I'd been a quick-glance kind of parent, my son's facial expression might have appeared complacent; however my fascination with human nature zeros in on Barry's temples pulsing with angst, signaling his attitude of—bah humbug—youth's dreams foiled by adult practicality ... again!

If asked how soon Red's final collapse occurred after Dad had reluctantly pumped fresh cash into resuscitating her, my mind was too busy juggling our hectic family life to recall a detail as exacting as that.  What I found unforgetable is this:  As Red's demise occurred only days after she'd been revived, my husband—a master at the silent treatment when angered—lost his temper—Big time!

As I'd been raised in a house where anger turned passion into a loose cannon and since I'd sustained more than one reason for fearing unbridled passion, my development swerved off center toward a path bent on pleasing.  The fact that pleasers rock no boats and opposites attract led to my husband's stony silence, reigning supreme during moments fraught with conflict—until experience gave the complacent nature of my 'good girl' subservience sound reason to question the limited nature of my mindset ... but I'm getting ahead of myself so ...

In hopes of creating a well balanced home, providing safe haven from fear for my sons, my sixth sense 'recognized' a need to monitor both sides of emotionality's extremes, which, in lieu of moderation might have scaled from ear-piercing yelling to being struck by the silent look of death.  Though identifying need for emotional balance proves easy, the trick comes in modifying imprinted reactions that serve no good purpose to all concerned.

Luckily, my neighbor introduced me to the Family Education Association that day in the park when disillusionment was plainly seen on my face—story posted, some time back—when the agonies of toilet training were driving me out of my mind—so anyway, back in the kitchen, you can imagine my jaw dropping in shock while witnessing my husband's full blown tantrum in tandem with hearing that Red had had the nerve to drop dead, meaning that we'd thrown good money after bad.

As I'd played witness to my husband's limited emotional spectrum for years, you can see how his loss of control etched a tattoo into my memory ... as for Barry, well, his jack-in-the-box reaction proved memorable, as well, in that self contained, teen-aged angst burst, like a piñata, showering our kitchen with sweet delight.  And though I don't know this for certain, I'm surmising that fifteen year old Steven felt relieved to rid his mind of any thought of his driving Big Red ...  and having written that, I'm about to reveal a lapse in my memory, penned mistakenly in a previous post, which had stated that on the glorious day that Steven held his driver's license in hand, he and Barry had to figure out how to share Big Red.

In truth, I didn't come upon my lapse in memory on my own.  While reminiscing with my adult son, last week, Steven reminded me that he'd not received his license till after Red had been replaced ... suggesting that along with misperceptions, misjudgments, misunderstandings and misinterpretations, memories can overlap and interweave, causing stories to twist out of shape until knots in the truth loosen and straighten out, over time.

As to youngest son, David, all he cared about was riding shot gun ... which of course he never got to do unless one of his teen aged brothers was not about to get into Big Red.  No matter how often youngest brother shouted it out first, all older brothers had to do was share a laugh over his head, and without so much as a word of protest, youngest member of the clan climbed into the wagon's back seat ... providing further proof of the fact that the pecking order is a permanent fixture in family life.

Here is one memory that definitely remains crystal clear for this writer, who takes note of reasons why a family's emotional metronome swings from side to side—Annie mourned the end of her relationship with an old, trusted friend.

You see, even today, memory arises with great fondness of how much I'd coveted Red's strength of character as well as her shiny, all American beauty, because I'd fallen in love with her at first sight—so watching her fall on hard times—valued by no one in her old age after having served us so valiantly for so many years saddened my sensitivities ... until someone (can't remember who) piped up with information that turned parental frowns into smiles that matched the cheek splitting grin on the face of a teen, who'd falsely believed his dream of attaining a chick magnet driving machine was about to come true ... 

Gosh—suddenly, while pounding this post into my keyboard, it dawns on me that my very first clunker—which made me contain my angst in much the same way that Barry had swallowed a bitter pill each time a new date slid into Red's passenger seat next to his—had once been another family's princess bride when my tired old nag had been spanking new.  And this train of thought suggests that just as calendar pages turn, and seasons come and go, things of beauty are coveted until they grow old and are discarded—however when it comes to embracing extraordinary people, just watch me re-energize my think tank, time and again, in hopes of understanding underlying reasons as to why conflicts, which prove confoundingly disheartening to both sides—die hard.  And in a story, not yet posted, you'll come to see why reasoning my way through conflict until clarity is mine proves paramount to freeing my spirit to thrive as seen by  eying my sparkle beaming brightly when a loved one walks into the room :)

Anyway, much to my relief, we found that though Big Red had finally keeled over, dead as a door nail, my old friend proved to have redeeming value, after all, in the after life—and if that fact seems confusing—please stay tuned :)



Saturday, July 27, 2013

765 BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET AND MORE :) Part 6

With time working in his favor ...
Barry's good driving record
Offers Mom's mindset and comfort zone reason to expand
And before too long ...
This personable, young driver has earned the privilege
Of parental permission to squire his friends to lunch
One day, while chauffeuring his buds, both guys and gals
Barry finds it impossible to get back to school
And as this smart jock has the good fortune
To place his trust in more than one life coach ...
He calls his dad for guidance:
Dad!  Something bad happened to Big Red—suddenly
There was a huge noise ... Then
I could feel her whole bottom scraping along the street
Dad asks Barry if he has his AAA card in his wallet.
Sure!
Well, call for help and get yourself back to school
Though this news is not to Dad's liking ...
Barry's teen-aged spirit can't help but leap with hope that perhaps ...
Big Red, the family war horse, has actually dropped dead!
Meaning this teen is done driving our tired, old carpooling machine ...
Post suggesting difficulty in separating youthful mindset from its dreams :)
After football practice, Barry hitches a ride home with a buddy
Upon walking into the kitchen my son learns, much to his dismay
That hope of burying Red is dashed to smithereens, because
Rather than being down for the count
Her strong spirit is still alive and kicking ...
Standing her ground ... fighting for her right to survive by
Gulping down Dad's hard earned cash, which pays for brackets and bolts
That cost much less than the labor of putting Red together again
And thus, big as life ... Big Red limps back into Barry's life
Where she courageously carries the smart jock
To school and lunch and home for at least a few more ...
DAYS! :)

Friday, July 26, 2013

764 BIG RED ... CHICK MAGNET AND MORE :) Part 5

The mind can be a greedy, little thing when looking to satisfy basic needs.  Deprived of basic needs, watch us gallop toward gulping them down.  Oxygen?  Food?  Water?  Family?  Sex?  Companionship?  Community?  Productiveness?  Relaxation?  Entertainment?  Excitement?  Solitude?  Soulmate?  Peace of mind?

On the other hand—what happens when, feelings of failure shut down one need in favor of pandering to another?  What is needed when we lose sight of need for balance?  We need therapy.  Or if not therapy, at least we need to look for closed mind sets that limit the spirit's need to explore a wider range of choices than ever before.

Each time I see only one choice, my spirit feels smothered by a 'should' that may have made sense once but somehow no longer does.  Example:  Children should be seen but not heard.

Though we hope basic needs will be fed at home, what if that's another myth passed down through generations until common sense, riding out on an insight into deeper truth, suggests that though we couple up for good reason, two people are not meant to fullfill each other's needs, forever—meaning that we are each responsible for figuring out how to fulfill needs emergent as a result of personal growth ... Hmmm ... I wonder why, upon awakening, this train of thought chose to cycle round inside my mind—though definitely not for the first time—today.

Perhaps insight into this deeper truth suggests my need to rebalance my sense of right and wrong at those times when my creative juices lean toward bending rules just enough so that all of my needs feel at least somewhat met while at the same time my think tank considers the needs of others, as well—and as this common sensical line of reasoning was spoon fed to my sons, their mindful connection to creative problem-solving techniques and generosity of spirit had sound reason to develop, early on.

This is not to say that conflicts did not arise between us, because life creates conflict at every turn ...

Today's post does not suggest that teen aged trouble, angst and defensive reactiveness never entered our front door.

What today's post suggests is that rather than fighting against each other's independent points of view until one won to the other's loss, we engaged in open-minded discussions until needs had been considered, all around.  And as conflict is synonymous with family life, leadership chose to role model a conscious awareness of honoring open minded attitudes and personal needs, which differed from one's own by listening and speaking with attention to respect.

As respect was practiced by one and all, our home provided an emotional environment in which free flowing, independent trains of thought carved out creative solutions that considered the good health of spirits, all around.  For example, let's get a bird's eye view of teen-aged Barry and forty-two year old Annie going toe to toe—not with each other but rather with common sense, consideration of others and generosity of spirit while discussing the possibility of Big Red undergoing plastic surgery ... 

Mom steps up to the plate and takes a swing at the fast ball she's been pitched.

Barry, I can see why you're so excited about turning Big Red into a convertible.

Upon hearing this, Barry's body language tunes into Mom's reasoning, right off the bat.

I wonder if you've considered expense?

Once this question hangs in the air, a sudden slump in Barry's spirit is apparent.

Uhh ... No.

Seems to me that turning Big Red into a convertible would be expensive.

Uhh ... Yeah.  Glittering excitement has visibly calmed down ...

Dad's history makes him cautious with money.

Another agreeable shake of my son's head.
Barry knows that while his dad was in high school grandpa died, and grandma, whose pride would take help from no one, worked four jobs to pay the bills.  As memory, concerning this family story, emerges from my son's think tank, guess whose mindset expands to compare his dad's youth with his own?

Grandma didn't let Dad get a job, because she wanted him to concentrate on his studies just as he would have done if his dad had lived.  And just as Grandma took care of Dad, we decided not to ask you to get a job to pay the added expense of insuring a teen-aged driver.

Once again, Barry's head shakes up and down, signaling his mind set aligned with mine.

The reason we have three cars and decided to pay for teen age insurance is so that your activities and responsibilities can begin to exist separately from mine. The fact that we have three cars points to responsiblity and privilege.

Now that my son's ability to hear me is grounded in common sense, I rattle off more of the same ... Dad got a new car.  I got Dad's hand me down.  You got Big Red.  Neither you nor I are driving cars that we'd choose for ourselves.  Big Red drives like a tank, protecting you on all sides.  Big Red is too old to sink hard earned money into her.  (No need to tell Barry that his father works long hours, sometimes seven days a week.)  We choose to pay your insurance, because we value all of the responsible commitments you've taken on in terms of holding office in student government as well as on your youth group board.  We can see all of the time and energy football demands, and with all of that on your plate, your grades are great ... Dad and I appreciate the fact that you take pride in all you do.

At this, Barry's mind and spirit offer me a smiling, Thanks, Mom

As to how our paraphrased discussion ended—I have no clue—All I know for certain is this fact:  Good natured, common sense and respect allowed parent and child to reach the same conclusion concerning Big Red.

When my Dad heard we were paying for Barry's insurance, he offered this opinion:  With your lifestyle, you'll not be able to teach your kids responsibility.

Though that challenge made me bristle, I smiled while expressing my reason for thinking otherwise; however, that story has naught to do with Big Red so let's save it for another day, when penning posts about kids and allowances feels ripe to pop out of my mind.  As for tomorrow ... well, on to the demise of Big Red ...