457 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 46

Swinging ...

“Annie, why do you think it necessary to grow toward humility and objectivity, when those traits are already yours?”

“Well, Mom, people change, unconsciously, for better or worse, all the way through life.  Keeping that in mind, I remind myself to spend more time reflecting over changes I need to make rather than trying to change inconsistencies and misperceptions of family and friends, who dig their heels into denial, again and again.  By summoning humility, I listen more attentively, less defensively.  Once attentiveness expands my perceptions, clarity offers insight into aspects of my life where I may be in denial of truths, which are hard to face, today.

*For example, it was necessary to muster humility before I could see the futility of defending myself, here, there and everywhere, when my marriage fell apart.  Those who'd wanted to think well of me did.  Those who had need to put me down worked hard to twist the truth into knots no matter what I said.  Mom, do you know why many of my friendships changed, at that time?”

At this, Mom’s replies:  “I think you want to tell me why, Annie.” After we laugh at the truth, I continue with …

“For the most part, I chose to fly with a new flock for this reason:  As surprising experiences caused my perceptions, concerning life and friendship, to deepen, my definition of friendship changed, profoundly.  Having tired of explaining myself to people who’d thought to know me well, I minimized frustration and regained peace of mind by choosing to spend more time with those, who feel motivated to absorb insights, which separate clarity from denial, as do I.
Today, I seek out friends who do more than preach values, like integrity and intimacy.  Most of the people, who energize me positively, prioritize honesty, as do I.  *Whereas many cling to a false sense of safety by acting like 'pleasers', 'yes men' or put down artists, a true friend does not fear my desire for insight into deeper truths.  Though some who view themselves as friend are, in truth, too insecure to have your back when life gets rough, a true friend does not transform into a subtle, passive aggressive, back stabber as soon as you leave the room.  *It's one thing to value the truth.  *It's another to prioritize values, like integrity and mutual respect by working consciously toward recognizing where you may not be incorporating them into your daily life.  *I mean, who knows what a pleaser or 'yes man' is really thinking but may not reveal to others until you are out of earshot?  *Today, my sense of safety does not depend upon surrounding myself with clones—who prove to speak with forked tongues.
*As to put down artists, I didn't focus my mind on recognizing the subtle nature of adult power struggles for nothing.  Once I recognize another person's need to put me down, that person loses my trust.  *And what is friendship without trust?  If you need to control me, watch me rebel.”
"You're not a rebel, Annie."
"I wasn't a rebel, Mom.  Today, I am.  I didn't realize how hard I'd had to work to quell subconscious rebellion within my 'safe, little shell until Will and I cracked apart, and it seemed as though I'd been left with egg dripping down my face.  I don't know which felt worse, the fact that the trust amongst family members tore apart or listening to stories, made up about me, which were hard to bear with decorum instead of lashing out at 'friends', who'd put me down.

People often fail to see how each person's false front frustrates a loved one's attempt to resolve conflicts that just won't quit.  *As all of us can be unaware of when we feel the need to 'wear' a persona, I've chosen to take steps toward success by gaining insight into personal traits that others profess to see in me, which I can't see.  By shifting my perspective, I am sometimes surprised to see personal weaknesses to which denial had blinded me.  *I'd been unable to see certain weaknesses with clarity until I'd consciously set my ego aside and connected with humility.
"Where do you find the time to think so deeply, Annie?"
"While others waste time, harping on life's unfairnesses, I identify attitudes.  After so many years of practice, this kind of thought processing is second nature to me, Mom"
*And the fact that I continue to grow more honest with myself about myself, helps me to pinpoint positively focused attitudes and behaviors, which prove certain misperceptions of me as way off target.  *As a bonus to work, consciously, to deepen inner strengths—like courage and humility—my connection to objectivity and clarity expands.”

“I don’t know how you do it, Annie.  Your mind is always working!”

*“Every mind is always working, Mom.  I just focus my mind on learning how to expand my perspective more often than griping.”

Then with a serious smile, my train of thought makes a u-turn.  “It’s true that I can wear myself out.  But each time the main root of a subtle power struggle, which had escaped detection, is finally unearthed, the change in my attitude grants me with peace of mind.  And achieving deeper layers of inner peace is worth tiring my brain...

Dr. David Schnarch writes about growth periods and rest periods, while we work toward individuation, which he calls differentiation.  When asked to describe the most frustrating aspect of participating in any significant, long lasting relationship, I respond:  *As the human brain has a strong herding instinct, it’s tough to accept the fact that the only brain we can attempt to open, in hopes of embracing knowledge, is the one inside one's own head.  It's not easy to work toward deeper levels of personal integrity, knowing that the herd has come to view you as weird, nuts, or a black sheep.

Each time I feel too ‘hot’ to respond to another person—whose subtle ways indicate that I'm now viewed as a blackguard—with compassionate, kindness and logic, I take time out to silence my ire until my frustration calms down.  Each time intelligence reminds my emotional reaction to cool down,  I remind myself to re-examine my attitude, in hopes of distinguishing my truth from fiction, which flings tomatoes at me.  Instead of responding to a subtle putdown with another, I choose not to stoop to a defensive level, which leads straight toward self defeat.  Once clarity is mine, I feel little need to prove anything to an insecure person who professes to befriend me.  *And thus do I see insecurity, rather than meanness, as the culprit that bites into friendship until too little meaningful connection is left.

At the same time that I remind myself that my opinions may not be synonymous with facts, I disengage from conversations in which others mistake their opinions for facts—repeatedly.  *Instead of calling others in denial to task, unsuccessfully, repeatedly, I, now, untangle my mind from any situation that goes round the same-old, negatively focused track—indefinitely!  *Hear my voice less frequently?  Know that I've not stopped listening, attentively.

*At times, when I’m called to task for mistaking my opinion for fact, it's time to summon humility, consider what's being said more deeply than before, and if the person's point of view begins to make sense, I'll thank that person for helping me to rebalance an attitude, which had unknowingly attached to a negatively focused track.  *Each time I call intelligence into play, my ego's voice remains benched, and my mind stays clear of becoming embroiled in ‘power plays’ that achieve little more than heightening frustration, all around.”

“Annie, did you learn so much about our defense systems from reading books like EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?”

“Well, from reading that along with many others, like PASSIONATE MARRIAGE and GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT...  In addition to reading, I've developed a deep appreciation for counselors, who maintain objectivity.  Just as with any profession in life, some counselors remain on target, while others drift off course.  All in all, in one way or another, every counselor I've spent time with has offered me opportunities to recognize traits, which had caused me to self defeat.  Though reading books is one way to seek out new trains of thought, I see counselors as teachers, who inspire me to do my homework, insuring that new channels carve into the thought processor of my brain more deeply than those which had caused me to make ineffective decisions, leading toward self defeat.  (More about that, later)  I’ve also grown aware of the fact that too much energy is expended when the brain is fending off a build up of frustration that accompanies chronic pain.  So, I listen to the needs of my body more seriously than before.”

"Annie, how many self defeating traits could you have?"

*Laughingly, I respond, "It's not how many, Mom; it's how easily and often one or two hot buttons can set our tempers off or pull our spirits down.  Hot buttons don't just make us mad.  *Hot buttons may stimulate insecurity, which has not yet resolved."

“So, tell me, Annie, how did all of this reading begin?”

“Well actually, my connection to reading began with you, Mom.  I loved our weekly trips to the library, where I'd look up at endless shelves of stories and feel immersed in adventures for the taking.  And the fact that I'd looked forward to story time, each evening, which provided another warm, cozy moment with you, at the end of each day, made bedtime special for me.  To this day, I look forward to curling up with a great read, every night.  As I'd enjoyed those experiences, deeply, I provided the same for my kids.  In fact, today, my book collection contains many of their favorite bedtime storybooks.  One day when they were teens, we sat down on the floor with all of their old time favorites to choose which books to give to good will.  I was surprised at how eagerly each one thumbed through one favorite after another.  At the end of that enjoyable experience, two books left the pile.  All the rest went back to their honored place on the shelves.  And as I enjoy reading those classic stories with children, today, my smile widens whenever my eye happens to land on that collection, which has found a home in my kitchen.”

“I like knowing that my reading to you inspired your love of books, Annie.  But I was referring to your reading about resolving conflicts within adult relationships.  How did that develop?"