1164 EPIPHANY! GO! FIGHT! WIN OVER SELF DEFEAT!

2014
When my need to cocoon remains strong, over long
Here's what I surmise:
My brain is working, single-mindedly in readiness to release
A misbegotten belief that has haunted my well-being for most of my life
Suggesting that anxiety, which rarely feels good
May point to intuition, indicating my need to discover
Which character trait has been stuck in a rut and
In need of personal growth, so, in that respect
Anxiety, which does not feel good, may
Prove, in the long run, to be a very good thing, after all

Two posts back
We witnessed a line up of self defeating beliefs pouring
Forth from deep within my mind
As these beliefs prove interrelated, they make up
The belief system, which was hard wired within
My subconscious beginning at the tender age of three—and
Ever since then, those self demeaning beliefs
Created a dichotomy, based in mixed messages that
Flooded my mind with self doubt

Upon reflection, it's plain to see why
I struggled, so often, with inner conflict whenever
A confounding situation stimulated some portion of that
Self demeaning belief system to sound an alarm, which
Catalyzed dark clouds of anxiety to
Filter through my self protective wall of denial into
My conscious mind

Though I was able to motivate the intelligence of others toward

Expanding their mindsets in order to identify and
Rescue themselves from subconscious demons—

Denial made it impossible for me to
Rescue my mind from demons of my own making until
Readiness to reveal my negatively framed mindset

Exposed itself as a whole on my computer screen—this week!

Over these last five years, you and I have been observing
My strength of spirit coaxing my intelligence
To work at piecing together insight after insight
Until swarms of insights illuminated
The bigger, darker, deeply fearful picture that

Had puzzled the positive side of my mind until
I gave intuition license to lead my trains of thought
From one station to another, where
Suitcases, stuffed with excess baggage
Left over from childhood traumas
Were unpacked and unloaded, as
One string of insight led to the next—

Once this bigger picture came together
My mind continued to percolate, and
Over these past two days, here's what clarified for me:
My spirit will not feel free to express my needs
Openly and assertively, until
My sense of awareness has worked to
Rewire each one of those
Post traumatic, deeply distressed beliefs during
Sessions of EMDR

If you ask how I know that to be true
I'd reply:

Let's look at it this way—

Just as diagnosing cancer proves to be
The first step in the process of
Healing the body from a life threatening dis-ease

Diagnosing a belief system, based in PTSD
Is the first step in the step-by-step process of
Healing the mind's seriously traumatized self esteem

In the same way that knowing you have cancer

Is not enough to heal the body of disease—

Knowing that I have PTSD does not

Stop dis-ease from invading my sense of peace

Thank goodness, it's been proven that

EMDR therapy can be likened to chemotherapy and radiation when
Rewiring the traumatized portion of the brain proves necessary

This week I came to understand why
The mere thought of expressing
My needs to loved ones filled me with
Subconscious dread:
Behind my wall of defensive denial
I'd believe that exposing my unmet needs would
Deem me so selfish as to condemned me
To living alone in a hostile world, where
The scent of danger closes in from all sides

As long as my wounded self esteem
Harbored that unidentified fear
I was stuck with this dysfunctional mindset:
Safety is my primary goal
As long as safety seemed intertwined with my ability to
Resolve conflicts and solve problems, peaceably
My every effort to solve a problem felt like
A personal failure if I could not win smiles, all around

If I did not win smiles, all around, my self worth
Went straight down the drain—and thus did
My sense of safety and self worth depend upon
My being as selfless, subservient and sweetly competent at
Everything that my loved ones came to expect of me, 24/7

As to my outlet when I fell short of perfection—well
I scratched my skin raw—until

Eventually, I grew up and traded scratching for

Communicating so skillfully as to have
Developed a strong, self confident foundation, based
In analytical thought, and that false 'cure' worked wonders for me—until

Thirteen years ago, when my father died, and
No matter how heart-fully and articulately I'd worked to
Win my mother's smile—when she and I were alone—I failed
Why?  Well, in retrospect, it was when Mom was alone with herself or
With me that she let down her guard …

Though, at that time, intuition suggested that the depth of
My unhappy reactions had 'something' to do with
Janet's death (and that's why I'd asked Mom so many questions
About Janet while we were on my swing) therapy could not
Help me to heal until recently, when I was diagnosed with PTSD—which
Had laid dormant until I experienced
Deja vu with Mom—as you shall see when
That story unfolds—all in its own good time …

It was at that time that a huge portion my belief system—concerning
My faith in positive focus had reason to
Fall to pieces, and though confusion hit so hard as to

Dizzy my mind as I grew more confounded, year after year—
Thank goodness I'd become so

Practiced at diving ever more deeply into
Self discovery that I'd continued to dig around inside my psyche until

This week, when insight into my identity crises surfaced—and
Thus has my conscious awareness landed upon that duet of

Interrelated fears, which denial had repressed at my core until

Terror "seemed' to swallow me whole as Will's surgery neared …

I mean, no one could fathom how Will's cancer

Served to catalyze that bout of PTSD—until a swarm of insights
Highlighted the epiphany that illuminated the ways in which
Two fears, which seemed utterly unrelated, were deeply intertwined …

Just now, while writing, I asked myself why
Exposing those fears to the light of day simulates
A black hole opening up, swallowing
My peace of mind whole—and resultant of
Asking that question of myself, intuition replied with
This self defeating belief:
As long as I deem myself guilty of not being a good person
I do not deserve the same degree of
Consideration that my heart offers freely to others—suggesting that
As long as trauma intertwines my sense of safety with subservience
If one comes undone so must the other
And thus does the self assertive portion of my voice disappear each time

The anger of another is directed at me—suggesting that
I am guilty of failing that person—and myself—again
And thus, rather than getting angry back
My anger is disempowered by fear

Fear of what?

Subconscious fear of abandonment due to

Three year old me feeling so selfish as to

Deem myself bad—however as long as this guilt trip

Remained within my subconscious

None of my speaking skills could express

The dreadful self condemnation, which had been repressed

With anything that resembled clarity when

A scary event threatened the well being of

Someone I loved, deeming me helpless and worthless—
Until now—as I place my false sense of safety aside in order to
Truly value the person I've come to be …

And—now I know why I feel compelled—
Upon awakening, each day—to set storytelling aside
In favor of gleaning insight into
That which I really fear

Actually, that last insight made me smile
Why?
Because most of the time
Insight into myself offers relief and
As relief releases tension, I feel instantly better, right now
Than I did upon beginning this post, earlier, today
And as soon as I feel change-for-the-better
Brewing inside—I'm inclined to smile

If you ask me to express the insight that
Just offered me reason to sigh with relief, I'd reply:
I just came to see that an identity crises
Is necessary to personal growth
And so, rather than fearing the word 'crises'
I can freely embrace the distress
Of my present state of mind as a necessary step
Toward healing the injured portion of my brain—
And in light of that insight—
I must not 'put myself down'—
Thus abandoning myself—during this time of transition when
My brain is hard at work healing itself from PTSD

And though I can feel myself pulling into today's station
That last insight has illuminated three more:
First of all—I am and have always been
A good person, worthy of respect, consideration and love

Secondly—
With courage, humility and self discipline as my guides
This good person, Annie, will begin to
Voice and meet her personal needs, assertively
Once undeserved guilt has been thoughtfully tossed aside

And lastly in this lengthy string of insights for today—
I will—
GO!  FIGHT AGAINST FEAR OF SELF-DEFEAT! WIN MY GOAL OF BEFRIENDING MYSELF!
If not, today—then tomorrow—which is only a day away!
Your friend and mine,
Annie