1155 WHAT CATALYZES MY NEED TO COCOON?

2014

As it's my choice to
Remain stuck in a bad place or
Take a step forward into the great unknown
I listen ever more intently into myself until
My powers of intuition guide me and my
Present state of confusion toward
Wherever I most need to go—
At least for now

As confusion tends to lead us
Two steps forward, one back—that
Makes me compare a
Confused state of mind to
The game of football, which somehow
Seems more on target than
Comparing my present state of mind
To a gerbil in a cage, running on a wheel
Getting no place fast or to a record, which
Circles round and round the same broken track

Each time I feel utterly unlike my sunny self
Suggesting that
My spirit is sagging under the weight of

A build up of self imposed pressure, which
Baffles my sense of clarity, intuition suggests
My need to cocoon to think deep, knowing that
One string of insights leads to the next

Of course, insight into my need to
Cocoon and think deep enough to
Figure myself out did not speak to me until
Experience offered me
Sound reason to believe that
The answers to puzzles that mystify
My sense of clarity are truly hidden
Within the subconscious portion of my mind …
For example:

I've come to see that
Whereas sadness feels safe—because
People tend to rally round to cheer you on
Anger does not
Why not? Because ...

As children, we'd been taught to believe that
To feel angry is 'bad'

Each time we heard:
Don't feel that way or
Boys don't feel that way or
Girls don't feel that way or
You need a time out!
We were pressured to believe that
Feeling an emotion as natural as anger
Exposes a bad trait in need of hiding until
Finally, pressure to suppress that which proves to be
A natural emotional reaction transforms
Conscious expression into
Subconscious repression, suggesting that
Over time, many layers of tightly coiled emotion
Remain hidden from conscious awareness behind
Defensive walls, which prohibit us from identifying
Personal needs, which—
Having been frozen in storage—remain numb until …
They are not—

Once numbed emotion has reason to thaw—
The mere touch of a hot spot electrifies a live wire

In truth, behind much of my sadness, layers of

Unprocessed anger remain so hot and raw as

To grow as explosive as TNT—

As long as repressed passion
Remains tightly coiled within the recesses of my mind

You'll see me write:

I am woman—hear me roar!

On the other hand

My line of control has become so well practiced
As to offer me no conscious clue of
How often my energy source must
Work overtime to repress and thus
Compress each layer of coiled fury, which
To this very day, gnaws into
My spirit's sense of well being until

The toxicity of this build up of
Subconsciously repressed passion creates
Tension that won't let me breathe, naturally—
Until, having acknowledged its source
I can release it in a manner that harms no one—
And 'no one' includes—me

As being oxygen deprived stresses
My energy source even more, intuition

Compels me to seek a safe haven
In which to retreat until

My conscious mind gives birth
To a new string of insights, which
Upon clarifying my reason for confusion
Permits me to release this impassioned tension
(which presents as a spike of anxiety)

In a manner that proves
Healthy and mature, rather than malevolent

Upon laboring, successfully, through
Each phase of personal growth
My mind has sound reason to relax and

My body breathes so freely that
The sum of my interconnected parts
Functions as naturally, again, as
A well balanced whole … and
Though today's train of thought is
As true as true can be—
I know this next train of thought
To be true, as well—
My mind feels troubled, again, for this reason:
I've yet to give birth to the string of insights
Which will open a door in my
Defensive wall, thereby
Freeing whichever subconscious emotion or

Ill conceived belief is in need of exposing itself
To my clarity of thought, next

In short, I feel the need to free my mind of
Yet another self defeating belief that
Remains repressed behind my subconscious wall

Once this self defeating—and most likely
Self demeaning—belief is fully exposed
A subconscious build up of fear and fury
Will be, once again, naturally released …

And you can believe me when I say that
No one will feel more relieved than me to see
This current train of thought, which
Has been percolating inside my mind for
More than a week
Pull into the station where another
Suitcase of baggage will be unloaded, at which time
My mind will need downtime to rest before

My spirit feels revitalized—thus, joyfully alive

Holy Madness, Batman!
Something is coming!!
It's not the anger of others that
I've feared provoking!
It's exposing the depth of my own!
Why?
Because of my subconscious belief that
As a world-class-super-hero problem solver
My think tank must save the day—
Every day—by working
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerfully than a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
Look—up in the sky—
It's a bird—it's a plane—it's Super Annie
Flying past her own layers of deeply repressed fury
In hopes of resolving deep seated conflicts
Faster than the speed of light!
Holy cow!  Slam on the breaks—
I think I'm Nick!

Sound familiar, anyone?

If one insight leads to the next then
Does anyone out there
Have so much as a glimmer of
Which insight may be in need of emergence, next?
I could really use some help, here …

Oh!  Hold the phone!
Here's an insight that just popped out of my popper!
I'm not sick of personal growth—
I'm sick of each burst of PTSD that
Necessitates my need for personal growth!
No wonder why my strength of spirit chooses
To embrace each growth spurt as it comes

Though it's been obvious for some time that
I'd lost sight of my sense of self worth in the
Aftermath of Janet's death—and then again
When Lauren's coma scared everyone out of
Our wits—additional experiences, too complex
For the mind of a child to comprehend
Muddled my sense of identity
To the point of filling my mind
With emotional static, which
Surfaces as anxiety each time a
Tumultuous conglomeration of
Numbed emotion intertwines with
A self demeaning belief
And in this way does
Confusion tackle clarity each time reason for
Deja vu catalyzes anxiety to spike

So—each time I tire your mind with
Words like personal growth and self awareness
I'm actually working to rewire an injured
Portion of my belief system in hopes that
The more I come to understand
The complex workings of my brain
The greater chance my sense of clarity
Will have of retaining control over
My think tank at times when
A mixed bag of beliefs creates such a
Shock of confusion as to knock me senseless

Let's look at it this way:
It's not unusual for a mixed bag of beliefs to
Float in and out of minds, right?
Each time we mix ourselves up, it's easy to
Believe we fear one thing when
In truth, that which we fear feels so complex as to
Confuse all the issues unless we think to consult with
Intuition in hopes of sparking a string of insights
Which will spotlight the main root of whatever
Is actually responsible for catalyzing each spike of anxiety!
Whew!

If you think today's train of thought
Was easy to express, clearly, please think, again
In truth, the string of insights that
I labored over for hours has tired my mind
To this point:  My think tank feels as though
It gave birth to triplets, today!
In fact—today's post makes me feel like
I need a C-section of the brain!

Next up:

How does each emergent

String of insights lead toward

A life changing epiphany

Just as each set of first downs

Culminates in a touch down?