1168 A WEEK FROM TODAY …

2014 Blog not behaving/Sentences clogging, together, like emotional reactions, tumbling round and round inside a clothes dryer/When I figure out why, I'll fix it/As for now, this is the best I can do:

Emotion proves as unpredictable as the weather
Feeling deeply pensive again
Why?
My mother's dedication is a week from today
Between Mom's passing and Will's cancer, this proved to be the most challenging year of my life, so far, and with respect for the healing process, I've been listening attentively to intuition, coaching my mind to dive ever more deeply into pensive reflection, thus dissuading my spirit, which longs to sparkle, from pushing the truth of my angst behind denial's futile attempts at hurrying the step-by-step progress of the grieving process along.

As you may have noticed, several recent posts have been withdrawn (though not deleted from drafts), and I'll explain what drove that decision when my head has compartmentalized the jumble of emotional reactions, which have clogged my sense of clarity since the date of Mom's dedication was set.

Actually, that last statement just sparked this insight, concerning my recent bout of stress:  I've been readying my heart to accept the harsh reality of consciously processing the irretrievable loss of both of my parents. Perhaps my build up of tension, over these past few weeks, has been due to the depth of my grief, working to emerge from behind denial's wall, as Mom's dedication draws near.

Surely, stories written, concerning my parents' prime years of youth, which filled my mind with gladness, held the depths of my angst at bay. And thus did denial work its magic in keeping my spirit afloat until such time as I'd felt ready to lift the veil, which secreted the heavy truth of my grief from my conscious awareness.  I mean, seriously ... irreversible loss hurts like hell when heartfelt bonds of love run deep.

As my therapist suggests, tis wise to forgive our minds every transgression during the first year of grief.  And though I agree, my heart yearns to end today's revelation, concerning the harsh reality of accepting the irretrievable loss of my parents, on a positive note.  And with positivity in mind, let's redirect our thoughts toward embracing this fact:  Just as is true of human nature, life is comprised of two sides, suggesting that good things are happening in my family as I write ...

I'm glad to say that Will feels great! Barry, his girlfriend of two years, Marie, and her two little boys, are well and planning to throw a Halloween bash. The episode that David wrote for a popular new TV show airs, this week, and as our whole family will be in town for Mom's dedication, we're looking forward to welcoming friends and family of all ages to enjoy the show with us in our home.  And now ... best news for last:  We recently learned that Celina and Steven are adopting a baby girl, due to be born, next month!!!

As for me, my spirit will continue to re-energize, two steps forward, one back, every day. And with news of a grandbaby on the way, I believe this lengthy time of pensive reflection will turn a joyous corner, at last, as a precious new life, shining sunshine over us all, is sure offer every spirit in our family reason to rejoice, together, as a whole ...
Please know that whether I retreat into pensive thought or sparkle with inner joy, you are in my thoughts and my heart, every day ...
Your friend, Annie

PS
As it's taxing to separate one emotion from the next when life offers reason to juggle too many, all at once, thank goodness, this post decided to straighten itself out instead of taxing my brain, even more!