2014
What is going on with me?
I mean, what mind shift is taking place in me?
Over these last fourteen years, since the death of my father
Who or what has controlled my spirit's sense of well being?
My birth family
Why?
Because of the role that I'd taken upon myself, early on
If I can't solve their problems, I feel worthless, and
My spirit sinks in quicksand
How unhealthy is it for
My well being to enmesh with theirs
Why, after years of therapy, is this still true?
My string of insights has not yet offered me
The enlightening breakthrough that I seek, which
Will reveal the mind-expanding epiphany
Necessary to free my feeling of subservient servitude
From whom or what do I need permission and release?
From myself?
Or ...
From an adopted belief?
Aha!
Give me a minute to think …
I can feel something huge turning up
The wattage of my mind—
Lightening my spirit as I write …
Hmmmmm—
I do not need release from my family
I do not need release from myself
I need to re-evaluate the idealistic sense of
What I was taught family is 'supposed' to be
in terms of how the concept of family
Had been defined and passed down to me
I need to reconsider idealism vs. realism, concerning
That which families prove to be
So—what do families prove to be?
A family is a group of individuals, each making
His or her way from one stage of life to
The next as best as possible—experiencing
Failure, success, heartache and joy as
Each of us carves out his chosen path
Suggesting that—
Blood is only thicker than water
When your blood relations' unmet needs
Are not working overtime to
Bleed the life force out of each other's
Mental strengths and heartfelt spirits
Oh—that doesn't sound like me! Right?
This must be the stage of mind-bending awareness
Where I turn into a stranger to my former self
And as having turned into a stranger feels
Too strange to believe
Whoever I am, today, seeks guidance in hopes of
Opening yet another door in my defensive wall, which
Will afford the staid nature of my belief system
Additional space to progress toward necessary change—
I mean, having concentrated on changing
My role in our family, over these past twenty years
Perhaps it's time to broaden my focus in order to
Reconsider a highly generalized definition of family
Thus personalizing the concept of what
'Family first' has come to mean to me …
Can't help but wonder what I'll find myself
Thinking and feeling when this current mind shift
Pulls into the station, where, upon
Stopping to unload another suitcase of baggage
I'll embrace another life sustaining epiphany
After which, I'll rest my mind, refuel my spirit and
Ready my whole self for whatever
Joyful adventures and unexpected surprises
Will await my discovery, directly ahead
Whew!
Now that sounds more like the Annie, whose
Self-directed need to create joy from within
Keeps her eyes, ears and mind wide open for—what?
For whatever delightful experience life has
In store for me, next
Actually, maybe I need to take a break from writing
For a while and just coast—
Because that which offers my mind, heart and spirit
So much personal satisfaction
Has begun to feel like a drag
Even so, have no fear of my cutting the line—
I mean, knowing myself as I do—
I'll not be gone fishing for long
After all—writing to you is 'my thing'
So, hopefully, upon my return
We'll pick up right where we left off—
Enjoying each other's company—
Free of undeserved guilt, which
I hope to unload, more fully than ever before—
As to the feelings and thoughts written but not posted
Yesterday—perhaps they will comprise the first post
Upon my return—perhaps, not …
Until then—as always—I wish your inner life and outer life well
Your deeply pensive friend,
Annie
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