1164 GO! FIGHT—SELF DEMEANING BELIEFS! WIN—OVER SELF DEFEAT!

2014
When my need to cocoon remains strong, over long
Here's what I surmise:
My brain is working, single-mindedly in readiness to release
A misbegotten belief that has haunted my well-being for most of my life
Suggesting that anxiety, which rarely feels good, can lead to a good thing

Two posts back
We witnessed a line up of self defeating beliefs pour
Forth from deep within my mind
As these beliefs prove interrelated, they make up
The belief system, which was hard wired within
My subconscious at the tender age of three—and
Ever since then, these self demeaning beliefs
Created a dichotomy, based in self doubt, within my mind
Upon reflection, its plain to see why
I struggled, so often, with inner conflict whenever
A confounding situation stimulated some portion of that
Self demeaning belief system to sound an alarm, which
Catalyzed dark clouds of anxiety to
Filter through my self protective wall of denial into
My conscious mind

Though I was able to motivate the intelligence of others toward

Expanding their mindsets in order to rescue themselves by
Identifying their own subconscious demons—

I found it impossible to rescue my mind from my own until
Readiness to reveal my own negatively framed mindset

Exposed itself as a whole on my computer screen—this week!

Over these last five years, you and I have been observing
My strength of spirit coaxing my intelligence
To work at piecing together insight after insight
Until swarms of insights illuminated
The bigger, darker, deeply fearful picture that

The positive side of my mind has worked, overtime, to deny—

Pretty much forever!

Once this bigger picture came together
My mind continued to percolate, and
Over these past two days, here's what clarified for me:
My spirit will not feel free to express my needs
Openly and assertively, until
My sense of awareness has worked to
Rewire each one of those
Post traumatic, deeply distressed beliefs during
Sessions of EMDR

If you ask how I know that to be true
I'd reply:

Let's look at it this way—

Just as diagnosing cancer proves to be
The first step in the process of
Healing the body from a life threatening dis-ease

Diagnosing a belief system, based in PTSD
Is the first step in the step-by-step process of
Healing the mind's seriously traumatized self esteem

In the same way that knowing you have cancer

Is not enough to heal the body of disease—

Knowing that I have PTSD does not

Stop dis-ease from invading my sense of peace

Thank goodness, it's been proven that

EMDR therapy can be likened to chemotherapy and radiation when
Rewiring the traumatized portion of the brain proves necessary

This week I came to understand why
The mere thought of expressing
My needs to loved ones filled me with
Subconscious dread:
Behind my wall of defensive denial
I'd believe that exposing my unmet needs would
Deem me so selfish as to condemned me
To living alone in a hostile world, where
The scent of danger closes in from all sides

As long as my wounded self esteem
Harbored that unidentified fear
I was stuck with this dysfunctional mindset:
Safety remained my primary goal
As safety had become intertwined with my ability to
Resolve conflicts and solve problems, peaceably
My every effort to solve a problem did not feel successful
Until I won smiles all around
If I did not win smiles, all around, my self worth
Went straight down the drain
And thus did my sense of safety and self worth depend upon
My being as selfless, subservient and sweetly competent at
Everything that was expected of me, 24/7

As to my outlet when I fell short of perfection—well
I scratched my skin raw—until

Eventually, I grew up and traded scratching for

Communicating so skillfully as to have
Developed a strong, self confident foundation, based
In analytical thought, and that false cure worked wonders for me—until

Thirteen years ago, when my father died, and
No matter how heart-fully I'd worked to
Win my mother's smile
When she and I were alone, I failed—
Because that's when Mom let down her guard

Though, at that time, I knew that the depth of
My happy reactions had 'something' to do with
Janet's death—therapy could not help me to heal until
Recently, when I was diagnosed with PTSD—which
Had laid dormant until I experienced
Deja vu with Mom—as you shall see for yourself when
That story unfolds—all in its own good time …

At that point, much of my belief system—concerning
Positive focus had reason to

Fall apart and though confusion hit so hard that
My mind grew more confounded, year after year—
Thank goodness I'd become so

Practiced at diving ever more deeply into
Self discovery that I dug around inside my psyche until

This identity crises surfaced—opening

My conscious awareness to the depths of

Two interrelated fears, which

Denial had repressed at my core until

Terror "seemed' to swallow me whole as Will's surgery neared …

I mean, no one could fathom how Will's cancer

Served to catalyze that bout of PTSD—until
One of those two fears filtered into my conscious mind …

Just now, while writing, I asked myself why
Exposing those fears to the light of day simulates
A black hole opening up, swallowing
My peace of mind whole—and as a result of
Of asking that question of myself, intuition replied with
This self defeating belief:
I do not deserve the same degree of
Consideration that I offer freely to others—suggesting that
Since the age of three, trauma has
Intertwined my sense of safety with subservience, suggesting that
If the latter comes undone
So will the former, and thus

Does the self assertive portion of my voice disappear each time
My anger is disempowered by fear

Fear of what?

Subconscious fear of abandonment due to

Three year old me feeling so selfish as to

Deem myself bad, but as this guilt trip

Originates within my subconscious

None of my speaking skills can express

The dreadful self condemnation that

Emerges from deep within

With anything that resembles clarity when

A scary event threatens the well being of

Someone I love more than

My false sense of safety felt free to

Value myself ...

And—now I know why I feel compelled—
Upon awakening, each day—to write of insight into
That which I really fear and that's why—
Rather than moving ahead with my story—
Which concentrates on insights gleaned in the past
I've been writing, recently, about personal contradictions
In hopes of revealing the portions of my nature, which
Having being deeply repressed
Are in need of revealing themselves—to me

Actually, that last insight made me smile
Why?
Because most of the time
Insight into myself offers relief and
As relief releases tension, I feel instantly better
And as soon as I feel better—I'm inclined to smile

If you ask me to express the insight that
Just offered me reason to sigh with relief, I'd reply:
I just came to see that an identity crises
Is necessary to personal growth
And so, rather than fearing the word 'crises'
I can freely embrace the distress
Of my present state of mind as a necessary step
Toward healing the injured portion of my brain—
And in light of that insight—
I must not 'put down' my mind—
Thus abandoning myself—during this time of transition when
My brain is hard at work healing itself from PTSD

And that insight leads to these:
First of all—I am and have always been
A good person, worthy of respect, consideration and love

Secondly—
With courage, humility and self discipline as my guides
This good person, Annie, will begin to
Voice and meet her personal needs
Once undeserved guilt has been thoughtfully tossed aside

And lastly in this string of insights for today—
I will—
GO!  FIGHT AGAINST FEAR OF SELF-DEFEAT! WIN MY GOAL OF BEFRIENDING MYSELF!
If not, today—tomorrow—which is only a day away!
Your friend and mine,
Annie