Below you'll find a portion of one of the posts that I'd published and then withdrew to drafts:
I find it interesting to note that
When I have reason to fear danger closing in
My stream of consciousness
Starts at A and moves forward through
The same string of insights until
An insight that has not yet
Popped out of my mind is mine
Though back pain is lessening, little by little
I still cannot drive, so, much to my regret
I had to cancel my appointment with
The therapist, versed in EMDR
Today, upon awakening
I felt the need to deepen my hold
On self confidence, so I practiced
This exercise in EMDR, which strengthens
My sense of control over my brain as a whole:
While moving my eyes from side to side, which
Stimulates my brain to absorb
Thoughts that prove true, here is the interrelated
Set of facts that I felt the need to recite aloud:
I am a really good person
I have a good natured heart
I can feel the strength of my spirit partnering with
My self assertive voice to empower
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death
A frightened three year old child, who
Proved too young (and egocentric) to
My mind as I reflect over this fact:
My self esteem feels no need to bow in subservience to
Anyone who tries to put me down
My self esteem feels no need to bow in subservience to
Anyone who tries to put me down
Having worked through emotional static in order to
Develop this self assured portion of my voice
I can depend on my voice to speak my truth, thus
Saving myself from believing
Develop this self assured portion of my voice
I can depend on my voice to speak my truth, thus
Saving myself from believing
Any negatively focused perception that
Proves untrue of my character
And as I believe that love, in its purest form, proves eternal
I'll defeat any false sense of danger from penetrating my shield of self control
So okay—intuition suggests that
Proves untrue of my character
And as I believe that love, in its purest form, proves eternal
I'll defeat any false sense of danger from penetrating my shield of self control
So okay—intuition suggests that
That string of insights is about to
Connect my conscious mind with
A new string of insights, which
Connect my conscious mind with
A new string of insights, which
If history proves true
Has been readying itself to
Emerge from the depths of my mind:
In the aftermath of my baby sister's death
A frightened three year old child, who
Proved too young (and egocentric) to
Comprehend or process the bigger picture inherent in
Complex life events, deemed me responsible for
Causing grief to everyone I loved
Resultant of that self demeaning belief
I lost sight of my self worth and swallowed
The independent portion of my voice, early on
And thus did I become an easy target whenever
A variety of bullies closed in with designs to put me down
Each time a bully threatened my personal sense of safety
Complex life events, deemed me responsible for
Causing grief to everyone I loved
Resultant of that self demeaning belief
I lost sight of my self worth and swallowed
The independent portion of my voice, early on
And thus did I become an easy target whenever
A variety of bullies closed in with designs to put me down
Each time a bully threatened my personal sense of safety
I faced three choices:
Adopt an attitude of subservience and retreat in silence
Act out and, in turn, bully others
Retreat to a safe haven, where I could dive so deeply into
Self awareness as to dismantle layers of
My defensive wall, behind which
Exists the innate strengths of my lost self esteem
Adopt an attitude of subservience and retreat in silence
Act out and, in turn, bully others
Retreat to a safe haven, where I could dive so deeply into
Self awareness as to dismantle layers of
My defensive wall, behind which
Exists the innate strengths of my lost self esteem
At the age of three, I 'adopted'
Choice number one—subservience
And now, as reflection suggests that
Door number one had not served me well
And as I'd never chosen to open door number two
Door number three, which offers me
A life long quest into self awareness, has proven to be
My choice, over these past dozen years
For most of my life, my needs were silenced behind
A defensive wall of denial, which served to
Choice number one—subservience
And now, as reflection suggests that
Door number one had not served me well
And as I'd never chosen to open door number two
Door number three, which offers me
A life long quest into self awareness, has proven to be
My choice, over these past dozen years
For most of my life, my needs were silenced behind
A defensive wall of denial, which served to
Separate my conscious sense of awareness from
My subconscious fear of failing to be good enough
To be worthy of love
To be worthy of love
Haunted by this subconscious fear of failure
I'd subconsciously bullied myself into
I'd subconsciously bullied myself into
Submission, whereby I chose to
Serve the needs of others for so many years that
That's what others came to expect of me
As I bought into the common belief that
Selflessness proves best, I felt selfish whenever
Any need of mine conflicted with
Any need that a loved one placed in my hands
The one word that felt self destructive, coming out of my mouth
Proved to be, NO
Today, I find it interesting to note that
Fear of expressing my needs openly and assertively
Serve the needs of others for so many years that
That's what others came to expect of me
As I bought into the common belief that
Selflessness proves best, I felt selfish whenever
Any need of mine conflicted with
Any need that a loved one placed in my hands
The one word that felt self destructive, coming out of my mouth
Proved to be, NO
Today, I find it interesting to note that
Fear of expressing my needs openly and assertively
Endangered my sense of personal safety so much as to
Transform me into a world class pleaser
And thus did silencing my needs in favor of
Pleasing the needs of others create
A false sense of safety for me until
Such time as my mind, body and spirit plum wore out
Though my voice often felt jammed back into
My throat while serving the needs of others, I'd developed
A mental pattern of sunny complacency, which
Drew many people to my side—and as long as
I'd felt loved and worthwhile, my self confidence thrived and
So did my spirit
On the other hand
The one-sided nature of my sunny personality
Did not serve me well in the long run for this reason:
My child-like attitude of self demeaning complacency
Depended upon the repression of rebellious feelings of
Pain and anger behind a sweet smile—by day
While I'd scratch as though
Itching to get out of my skin, each night
In order to contain subconscious contradiction, which
Indicated that my repressed sense of
Rebellion against pain and anger was in need of release
The creative center of my brain
Developed a strong line of self control—
Why? Because at that time in my life
I was too busy raising my family while facilitating
Classes and writing articles, concerning parent/child interaction to
Confront any sense of readiness to
Comprehend emotional reactions, which felt utterly unlike the me
I'd thought to know, so well …
Though my strong line of self control
Continues to serve me well in countless ways, today
It had served as a wall of denial, behind which
Any natural resistance to bullying had been
Repressed into tightly coiled masses of frustration, which
Over time, proved so toxic to my existential need to
Assert myself as to flatten and depress my spirit until, ultimately
My quest into self awareness caused each layer of
My wall of emotional control to collapse, and
Each time another layer of sadness, frustration and fury
Gushed forth, no one was more surprised to see
How much impassioned emotion I'd compressed deep inside than me
And as this 'pattern' emerged not once, not twice
But three times in my life, I've watched
Myself turn into a stranger to myself, thrice
As long as my wall of denial denied my need to
Identify the heat of repressed emotion
Boiling deep within my brain, I'd felt helpless to
Stop my strength of spirit from sinking into
A black hole, where confusion
Locked my sunny disposition into the same dungeon
Which had housed my self assertive voice—
Though, at first glance, this seems like a bad turn of events
It's not, for this reason:
Lost parts of my character, which would make me whole
Proved to be in the process of coming together for the first time since
I was three years old, suggesting that though
Each of these dives into the depths of despair felt and looked
Like a very bad and scary thing, deeper truth suggests:
It's always darkest before each next dawning!!!
The first time I lost my smile, 24/7, took place
During my separation from Will
The second time occurred when
My mom was widowed and
Our life long friendship grew painfully confounding
And the third time my smile struck out occurred
When Will's cancer surgery collided with
Mom's hundredth birthday celebration
The fact that my belief system came undone—thrice
Suggested it was high time for me to
Untie misbegotten beliefs, which
Had knotted together inside my subconscious at the
Vulnerable age of three, causing me to feel
Confounded, worthless and unlovable whenever
A loved one's needs went unmet, and no matter how
Sunny I felt, a storm of repressed guilt would rain on
My parade if anyone guilted me of not meeting their needs until
Recently …
As long as I did not understand the ways in which
My subconscious belief system undermined my self worth
My spirit remained vulnerable to self condemnation
And thus as long as this self demeaning belief system
Went unexplored, I'd condemned myself to be a goner
Over most of my life, I'd no clue of having felt:
Responsible for everyone's welfare
Responsible for being the primo fixer, problem solver, solution seeker
The person who must find a way to improve the lot of everyone I loved
In short, I'd no clue of being an enabler—
Who—ME???
Why did I come to hold myself accountable for
Everyone's welfare?
Well, first of all—my solution-seeking efforts
Met with success so often as to have defused
So many fires as to feel myself ready to
Answer every alarm that rang out in need of a fire chief
And thus did my phone ring off the wall
(OMG! No wonder why I hate the phone—
Those conversations ate into significant portions of my day!!)
Each time another person's fire raged too hot to put out
I'd felt like a failure for this reason:
It did not occur to me that the problems of
Those who feared 'looking in' were fated to
Go from bad to worse
As long as I remained blind to my pattern, which
Mistook enabling for leadership
A confounding sense of failing to help everyone
(Most especially those who solidly believed the problem
Was totally the other guy's fault)
Wore my brain, spirit and body down
Though I'd devised tools, which taught my sons
How best to make bullies back down
I'd not thought to make use of those tools
In my own defense until recent years
If you ask me to describe my line of control, today
I'd say:
My line of control is the wall erected by my defense system
To separate my think tank from emotional distress, and thus
Does that barrier empower me to tame my temper on the spot
My line of control offers my brain countless opportunities to
Work as an organized whole at those times when I need to
Gain insight into a bigger picture by
Asking questions and gathering details until
Puzzling pieces come together, and each time
An insightful picture of a complex problem
Emerges from the depths of my mind
A simple solution appears—which has actually been
Present, all the while—and in that respect
My line of control continues to serve me well
However …
Today, it seems that this same line of control
May have inhibited my conscious mind from
Recognizing those times when my self assured voice dries up—
However, now that I've clearly acknowledged the build up of
Many layers of frustration and anger, which
Over the years, had coiled up inside my subconscious, like
A tightly compressed can of worms, I can see how
This repressive pattern caused my spirit to depress under
The weight of my personal failure to live up to
My perfectionistic expectations of 100% solution-seeking success
Thank goodness the game of life is not the game of baseball
Because otherwise: Strike one—Strike two—Strike three—and
I'd be out—of luck—
On the other hand, its not luck upon which I depend—
It's pluck! And if there's one thing that's not dried up, it's
My belief in my history, that much more often than not
Proves me to be a plucky lucky duck!
Though I do not yet feel ready to pull into the station where
Insight will unload another suitcase of baggage, and as
I know how long this post, which I withdrew into drafts
Proves to be, my power of intuition suggests pausing
Right here, for today—
Tomorrow, I'll write a bit about how the fearful brain highjacks
Our smarts—and then—since my extended family is due to
Arrive for my mom's dedication
I may not show up on your screen for the next couple of days …
So until we meet, again—I wish you a string of insightful
Five star days—
Your friend (and mine)
Annie
Transform me into a world class pleaser
And thus did silencing my needs in favor of
Pleasing the needs of others create
A false sense of safety for me until
Such time as my mind, body and spirit plum wore out
Though my voice often felt jammed back into
My throat while serving the needs of others, I'd developed
A mental pattern of sunny complacency, which
Drew many people to my side—and as long as
I'd felt loved and worthwhile, my self confidence thrived and
So did my spirit
On the other hand
The one-sided nature of my sunny personality
Did not serve me well in the long run for this reason:
My child-like attitude of self demeaning complacency
Depended upon the repression of rebellious feelings of
Pain and anger behind a sweet smile—by day
While I'd scratch as though
Itching to get out of my skin, each night
In order to contain subconscious contradiction, which
Indicated that my repressed sense of
Rebellion against pain and anger was in need of release
The creative center of my brain
Developed a strong line of self control—
Why? Because at that time in my life
I was too busy raising my family while facilitating
Classes and writing articles, concerning parent/child interaction to
Confront any sense of readiness to
Comprehend emotional reactions, which felt utterly unlike the me
I'd thought to know, so well …
Though my strong line of self control
Continues to serve me well in countless ways, today
It had served as a wall of denial, behind which
Any natural resistance to bullying had been
Repressed into tightly coiled masses of frustration, which
Over time, proved so toxic to my existential need to
Assert myself as to flatten and depress my spirit until, ultimately
My quest into self awareness caused each layer of
My wall of emotional control to collapse, and
Each time another layer of sadness, frustration and fury
Gushed forth, no one was more surprised to see
How much impassioned emotion I'd compressed deep inside than me
And as this 'pattern' emerged not once, not twice
But three times in my life, I've watched
Myself turn into a stranger to myself, thrice
As long as my wall of denial denied my need to
Identify the heat of repressed emotion
Boiling deep within my brain, I'd felt helpless to
Stop my strength of spirit from sinking into
A black hole, where confusion
Locked my sunny disposition into the same dungeon
Which had housed my self assertive voice—
Though, at first glance, this seems like a bad turn of events
It's not, for this reason:
Lost parts of my character, which would make me whole
Proved to be in the process of coming together for the first time since
I was three years old, suggesting that though
Each of these dives into the depths of despair felt and looked
Like a very bad and scary thing, deeper truth suggests:
It's always darkest before each next dawning!!!
The first time I lost my smile, 24/7, took place
During my separation from Will
The second time occurred when
My mom was widowed and
Our life long friendship grew painfully confounding
And the third time my smile struck out occurred
When Will's cancer surgery collided with
Mom's hundredth birthday celebration
The fact that my belief system came undone—thrice
Suggested it was high time for me to
Untie misbegotten beliefs, which
Had knotted together inside my subconscious at the
Vulnerable age of three, causing me to feel
Confounded, worthless and unlovable whenever
A loved one's needs went unmet, and no matter how
Sunny I felt, a storm of repressed guilt would rain on
My parade if anyone guilted me of not meeting their needs until
Recently …
As long as I did not understand the ways in which
My subconscious belief system undermined my self worth
My spirit remained vulnerable to self condemnation
And thus as long as this self demeaning belief system
Went unexplored, I'd condemned myself to be a goner
Over most of my life, I'd no clue of having felt:
Responsible for everyone's welfare
Responsible for being the primo fixer, problem solver, solution seeker
The person who must find a way to improve the lot of everyone I loved
In short, I'd no clue of being an enabler—
Who—ME???
Why did I come to hold myself accountable for
Everyone's welfare?
Well, first of all—my solution-seeking efforts
Met with success so often as to have defused
So many fires as to feel myself ready to
Answer every alarm that rang out in need of a fire chief
And thus did my phone ring off the wall
(OMG! No wonder why I hate the phone—
Those conversations ate into significant portions of my day!!)
Each time another person's fire raged too hot to put out
I'd felt like a failure for this reason:
It did not occur to me that the problems of
Those who feared 'looking in' were fated to
Go from bad to worse
As long as I remained blind to my pattern, which
Mistook enabling for leadership
A confounding sense of failing to help everyone
(Most especially those who solidly believed the problem
Was totally the other guy's fault)
Wore my brain, spirit and body down
Though I'd devised tools, which taught my sons
How best to make bullies back down
I'd not thought to make use of those tools
In my own defense until recent years
If you ask me to describe my line of control, today
I'd say:
My line of control is the wall erected by my defense system
To separate my think tank from emotional distress, and thus
Does that barrier empower me to tame my temper on the spot
My line of control offers my brain countless opportunities to
Work as an organized whole at those times when I need to
Gain insight into a bigger picture by
Asking questions and gathering details until
Puzzling pieces come together, and each time
An insightful picture of a complex problem
Emerges from the depths of my mind
A simple solution appears—which has actually been
Present, all the while—and in that respect
My line of control continues to serve me well
However …
Today, it seems that this same line of control
May have inhibited my conscious mind from
Recognizing those times when my self assured voice dries up—
However, now that I've clearly acknowledged the build up of
Many layers of frustration and anger, which
Over the years, had coiled up inside my subconscious, like
A tightly compressed can of worms, I can see how
This repressive pattern caused my spirit to depress under
The weight of my personal failure to live up to
My perfectionistic expectations of 100% solution-seeking success
Thank goodness the game of life is not the game of baseball
Because otherwise: Strike one—Strike two—Strike three—and
I'd be out—of luck—
On the other hand, its not luck upon which I depend—
It's pluck! And if there's one thing that's not dried up, it's
My belief in my history, that much more often than not
Proves me to be a plucky lucky duck!
Though I do not yet feel ready to pull into the station where
Insight will unload another suitcase of baggage, and as
I know how long this post, which I withdrew into drafts
Proves to be, my power of intuition suggests pausing
Right here, for today—
Tomorrow, I'll write a bit about how the fearful brain highjacks
Our smarts—and then—since my extended family is due to
Arrive for my mom's dedication
I may not show up on your screen for the next couple of days …
So until we meet, again—I wish you a string of insightful
Five star days—
Your friend (and mine)
Annie
