2014
I awoke this morning wondering—
Have you ever gone sky diving?
Perhaps, each of us sky dives in our own ways
Perhaps not
At any rate
I wonder if this has ever happened to you:
What if, one day, while you're out and about
Minding your business, feeling
Eager to enjoy whatever may lie directly ahead
You encounter an unexpected experience
Which causes your belief system—
Upon which your personal sense of safety depends—
To crack in half
And suddenly, everything inside your mind that
Had made you feel wholly yourself
Seems to fly apart to the point that
The only portion of your brain, which
Still, somehow, feels solidly grounded
Begins to play witness to amazing changes taking place
Within this stranger, whom you've amazingly become
The first time this happened to me
I felt like a fully assembled 500 piece puzzle that
Had suddenly, magically levitated and
As my 500 pieces floated free of
Feeling interlocked, together
Each of my strengths and vulnerabilities
Rose clearly before me, like a bouquet of
Colorful balloons, which, upon cutting
Their strings, flew so freely through space
As to make my sense of clarity
Grow ever more acutely aware of each
Part of me as being a clearly visible and
Separate entity from that which had
Created the sum of the whole person I'd believed
Myself to be until the surreal nature of
This mind blowing experience offered me
Sound reason to feel like a stranger to myself, thus
Catalyzing my need to embark upon—not
A flight of fancy but rather
A flight of self discovery, which
Seemingly has no end for this reason:
One stage of growth inspires the next, and
The next and the next until I gain insight into
This fact:
Each time intuition signals the
Imminent approach of another growth spurt
My instinct to mire myself in safety must
Muster the courage to secure my parachute in
Readiness to sky dive, again
And then, each time I take that leap of faith
In terms of going against the grain in order
To think for myself—no one is more surprised
To see me choose to fly solo
Than the world class people pleaser, whom
I'd been until my intuitive need for
Personal growth began to peck, like a new born chick
Through the protective shell, behind which my desire to
Free my spirit of the past had dwelled
If at this time, you'd think to ask:
Annie, what makes up the fabric of
This parachute that empowers you to
Dive solo and then place your faith in
Gliding on the winds of change toward
Personal safety, again?
Here's what I'd have replied in the past:
My parachute is made up of the support of my loved ones
In fact, a while back I wrote a post attesting to that belief
At that time, I'd believed that upon choosing to
Leap from my ivory tower of safety
My loved ones would surely hold fast to the net
Into which I'd surely land
However, if asked that question, today
Here's the deeper truth that speaks to me, now:
My parachute is made up of
A wide assortment of personal strengths, which
My think tank has worked to absorb
During each stage of life, thus far
And here's why my old belief has altered:
Though, the support of my loved ones feels
Necessary to my well being, deeper truth suggests
That each time I choose to leap into the great unknown
Flying solo, it's imperative
That my decision-making process has not been
Inherited, suggesting that the decisions I make
Are truly my own
Though I've never aspired to sky dive
Today's post describes what each stage of flight—
More commonly called Self Discovery—
Feels like to me—
Each time I think I know myself
My self confidence flies high
Each time I fill with self doubt
My self confidence takes a dive
So what makes me believe myself to be
A 'high self esteemer'?
Well—each time I land, with a thud
I pick myself up, brush off insecurity
Hold my head high
And rather than looking for a scapegoat to blame
For my aches and pains
I check out a vulnerability, which had, thus far
Masked itself as a half baked strength
Let me put it this way—
Here's what I imagine taking place
Inside my brain as each next stage of
Personal growth links up with whatever
Surprise life has in store for me next:
First off, picture me flying high in the sky, feeling
As insulated from fear of failure as I can get when
Suddenly the escape hatch of the plane—which
Is fueled to remain afloat with all who are
Seat belted into their seats—opens up—
And intuition won't stop whispering into my ear until
I muster the courage to strike out on my own, because
Something about remaining encased within
This steel machine stifles my spirit's need to
Be true to myself, which cannot happen as long as
I choose to remain belted in place within this
Particular plane, which is being directed by others
Whose needs extinguish that which
Fuels my personal desires
And thus do I, self directed by personal instinct
Muster the courage to unbuckle my seat belt
And strap on my parachute, whose fabric is
Woven securely with
The powers of conviction born of self trust
And each time I take that flying leap out of
The escape hatch, the pilot yells:
How dare she go off on her own, yet again!
Sooo—if this proves to be the case—repeatedly—
And if no man or woman is an island—why has
Taking a flying leap out of this escape hatch
Become my pattern ever since Will and I separated
Twenty years back? Well—
What if each time the escape hatch within
My mind beckons, and I listen
My soul experiences
This incredible lightness of being, because
My spirit feels—OMG—so amazingly liberated
As to need to feel this sensation of
Freedom to be ME
Again and again!
What if
Though leaping from my ivory tower
Proves scary, time and again
Each succeeding success suggests that each next time
Proves less scary than the time before—for sound reason
What if
Each time I muster the courage to
Wholly embrace an adventurous experience
Thus freeing another narrow mindset of inner constraint
My spirit soars to heights of such indescribable delight
That every puzzling piece of me comes together
In a way as to rejuvenate my entire being, and
My joie de vie feels as heady as if
I'm high on a natural drug, which
Reaches straight into the depths of my soul
And then—
What if
Having chosen to take this daring plunge
Into intuitive pleasure, life's lessons
Continue to coach me as to when to pull the rip cord
On my parachute so as to allow my good sense
To float gently toward the earth, where
My expanded state of mind can reground itself without
Feeling a sudden, painful thud, suggesting that
Reality and fantasy can't mix when the powers of
Imagination dictate that's just not so
And if at this point, you ask: So each time you take
This plunge, what's actually changed in the long run?
I'd smile and reply:
Each time another mindset expands, my comfort zone complies
Each time my ever strengthening sense of intuition
Moves me through one stage of growth
Toward the next my conscious mind becomes ever
More ready to embrace both sides of me as a whole
Upon embracing both sides of myself
My think tank connects with reality more clearly
Than ever before—and so in answer to what's changed
I'd reply:
The more aware I grow of myself the
Less judgmental of others I become, suggesting that
I'm good with the fact that
Just as I'm meant to be me, you're meant to be you
And having come to see that both of us are okay
I'm less prone to attempt to control that which
Repeatedly proves beyond my control, and
Each time I consciously relinquish control, what
Do I leave behind? Denial
What do I regain? Peace of mind
Next, if you ask:
Annie, does anything remain unchanged while
You move through these stages of personal growth
I'd say: Sure.
First of all
I've never led a loved one to a place that did not prove to be
Better than wherever we'd been before
Secondly
My heart still aches for those whose fears
Lock their spirits inside steel machines
Where narrow mindsets look for
Scapegoats to blame for unhappiness
That seeps ever more deeply into
The pores of their souls as they age …
As to those who fly free once
And then choose to tether themselves to routine
Which feels comfortable to them—well—
That's no longer true of me
Though thrill seeking, dare devil
I most certainly am not—
As seen by the fact that
My Line of Control has woven itself
Throughout a significant portion
Of my parachute—
Whenever life offers me reason to dive
Ever more deeply into my mind
Each next stage of personal growth feels
So monumental to one who had been
A world class pleaser, like me, that
Once I'd experienced feeling
True to myself, through and through
My spirit grew so strong as to embrace
This need for existential freedom, forever more
And though I continue to grow toward freeing my traits
Of yesteryear's guilt ridden constraints
Day by day, here's what
Trips me up, from time to time—
Upon diving into uncharted territory
It's not unusual for another piece of my
Belief system to spring a leak
And here's why that feels mighty uncomfortable
Yet again:
Each time another piece of my 500 piece puzzle
Is in the process of reshaping itself
All of the other pieces begin to quiver
For this reason:
As soon as one piece changes—
Change begets change—
And that my friends is why
Change is the only constant in life
So here's the thing:
We can choose to get with
A new perspective of life as it proves
To be, today, or we can remain stuck in the past
Scratching our heads while asking
Alfie: What's it all about?
Have you seen Alfie?
Not exactly the kind of guy I'd go to for advice
The kind of guy I'd go to would be one
Who has worked to acquire personal strengths
Necessary to make mindful adjustments, knowing
That life offers up one sound reason after another
To question mindsets, which had, seemingly
Been written in stone by voices who
Had authorized whom we should grow up to be
When we were too young, malleable and impressionable
To recognize how fallible the opinions of
Our elders may have been
And thus as I write and you read, we'll watch
The active nature of my mind strap on parachutes
Each time my spirit feels the need to muster the
Courage necessary to leap from
Tall buildings with a single bound—
In hopes of strengthening another vulnerability
Before placing my super heroine cape
Neatly in an easily assessable drawer
Once an unexpected change sees me
Landing on my feet more securely than
Ever before!
PS
If this needs editing, furgetit
It was more than enough to awaken and
Write, word for word, whatever felt the need
To pour forth, straight from my—soul
And having tired my think tank
The little that's left of my brain is about to
direct my body to submerge in the hot tub
Where sun, blue sky, my grapefruit tree and
Oh yes, exercise, awaits—
Then, it's off to the dentist I go, because
Reality dictates that necessity—from time to time—
Because I want to keep my teeth
And as my teeth brighten my smile
I plan to get there right on time, knowing that
Later in the afternoon
Fantasy awaits, because
It's Tuesday, and we're planning to
Spend some time with whatever takes place
Inside Woody Allen's brain space …
See ya, tomorrow!
PSS
Yesterday
Closed my eyes
Got on the scale
Opened my eyes
Lost those pounds
That eating ice cream
Daily for two months, put on
Last night, enjoyed a GNO—and
Having toasted happy birthday
To a dear friend, I sipped my
First taste of wine in four weeks—
Life feels good
When we set realistic goals
Make simple plans
Enjoy the fruit of our labor
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