Negative focus:
Too much time spent recovering, recouping energy expended while healing in bed as life passes me by ...
Or
Positive focus:
Never bored, rarely angry during the healing process. Time spent (unknowingly) on strengthening my mind (if not my body) by alternating between one kind of reading material and another with highlighter in hand. Why multiple books? If I'd read one book, all day, I'd have gone mad. (Why don't you watch TV? I don't know. I never think to turn it on. I'd just rather read.) No conscious awareness, during those years, concerning my passion for personal growth. No conscious trains of thought concerning my passion for family. My passionate nature. No awareness of the fact that I feel passionate about many aspects of life. Like, self respect, which actually precedes mutual respect. More about that later.
At that time, my conscious awareness focused on extended family, Most especially on the well being of Will and our sons. If my family felt emotionally strong, so did I. Whenever anyone I loved felt threatened, I went into Mother Bear mode. But not attack mode. Let's brainstorm, together, and resolve this threat mode. The fierce nature of my protectiveness canceled my personal needs. Hyper vigilance is one sign of enmeshment. On the other hand, complete dependency on another's support is also a sign of enmeshment, suggesting this mindset to be Seriously complicated. More later about enmeshment suggesting a high degree of subconscious neediness on both sides..
No thoughts at that earlier time concerning existentialism. Existentialism had meant nothing more to me than a philosophy I'd learned in college. Few thoughts about the sad state of our world, though my worry, concerning familial safety was significant but narrow in an egocentric way. I'd no clue that the diverse choices of reading material, piled up on my nightstand, was about to expand my attentiveness to life, in general. At that time my mental acuity had focused on this fact: My kids needed me to be an active participant in their lives. After each emergency surgery, the fact that my kids needed me fed my need to heal physically from the inside out, recover my energy and get up out of bed as quickly as possible—and time and again, that's what I'd do until each next surgery or injury saw me reading while the boys were in school, then running our busy household from a reclining position while my body healed from the inside out in bed, again. It never occurred to me to focus on me until my wall of denial had reason to collapse, at which time, I believed that my marriage, which had cracked, long ago, was beyond repair. And as that shocking insight opened my eyes to a long line of insights, hiding inside subconscious pockets of my mind, no one was more surprised then me to find my psyche in serious need of healing from the inside out, too …
If some aspect of life
Just won't quit perplexing
The heck out of your peace of mind then
May I respectfully make this suggestion:
First muster the humility
To ask astute questions of yourself in terms of
Mindsets passed down from
Your parents' generation, which have been
Absorbed as your own
Then, if dark clouds of confusion persist
And insight has not been coaxed to emerge on its own
I'd suggest seeking astute guidance
In hopes of questing toward answers you seek
Not the answers of others (been there done that)
But rather, answers, based in
Experiential, existential intuition
Which, over time, offers a rested mind
Sound reason to call upon creativity to
Ease inner conflict until
A suitable plan of action emerges
Resulting in confusion subsiding on both sides
Speaking from experience
I'd also suggest mustering the patience to
Give your mind a break by
Living as peaceably with yourself until
The answers you seek
Emerge from within the intuitive portion of your brain
If not today or tomorrow
Then some day yet to come
Until then ... build bridges by
Bundling positively focused trains of thought
Supported by this belief, based in hope:
Better days come to those who work to turn
Impossible dreams into realistic goals
And now that I stop to think about it
I guess I've just penned
A simplified, off-the-top-of-my-head
Definition of personal growth—the first step being
The acceptance of confusion as a positive signal that
An old mindset is cracking, thus
Opening the door in the wall so that
Mind expansion is possible, at last
In truth, do adults ever stop growing up?
Physically, yes.
Then, later in life, we begin to shrink! Oy!
Do we ever stop growing toward
Intellectual, emotional and spiritual maturity?
I sure hope not for two reasons:
Firstly, everything that lives
Grows toward thriving or
Shrinks toward dying
And as long as my brain is alive
My spirit will direct my think tank to thrive
Secondly, the sad state of our world suggests that
We all have a long way to go concerning
That which we need to learn
About ourselves and others before
Generosity of spirit and brainstorming
See the defensive nature of
War-like attitudes and behaviors transitioning toward
Trains of thought, focusing positively upon
Peace and safety for one and all …
In the interim ...
How many young people will die
Until leadership recognizes greed
As the classic, timeless root of all evil—
On both sides?
Decades?
I sure hope not!
More than one decade has already passed since
Mom and I held each other close on my swing ...
And unfortunately ...
I'm writing these same trains of thought, today, as then
When Mom asked 'why decades', I replied:
Change takes education and
Education takes astute coaching, open minds and time …
And now that I stop to think about it
It took more than forty years of living with four guys
To expand my narrow frame of mind about... football, of all things ...
Will wonders never cease ...
BTW: In addition to other thoughts, insights into that movie, Magnolia, which came out, several years back, were added while editing yesterday's post. If you ask: Annie, why does the editing process cause new thoughts to emerge with such frequency, I'd reply: Depth and stream of consciousness are indivisible.
Actually, when I sat down to post, today, I wasn't planning to write any of this. I'd planned to weave a connection between downpours, flooding the southwestern deserts and Monday night football.
I'd planned to include thoughts, concerning Will's second professional choice had he not grown up to be a surgeon. His second choice? A sports announcer.
Why not follow the dream of most boys, who'd love to become a hall of famer? Will loved to play sports but knew his limitations, and thus, a weekend warrior, rather than a sports hero did this brave man become.
I just can't imagine picking up a scalpel, several times a day, while mustering the courage to cut into one person after another, fortified by your belief that because of your Orthopedic knowledge and expertise, along with mental concentration, all will survive, heal and thrive.
As to our sports heroes, I've come to understand how they serve our nation in spiritually heartening ways. More about that later. Right now, I'm about to run late for an appointment ...
Okay, I'm back:
I finally get it!
Football's like life
Ups and third downs
Never know what's coming next
Catch a bit of this
Tackle that
Huddle together
Passions aroused
Run around
Glance up at the fans
Releasing frustration
With pals
Downing a brew
Munching on popcorn
Whether on the field
Or in the stands—
All come fully alive
Knowing that divided we fall
All for one and one for all
Win some, lose some
Drive home feeling better or worse
Mind shifts as next game inspires
Hope to arise anew
Our jocks are our heroesMind shifts as next game inspires
Hope to arise anew
Not our Gods ...
Cameras are everywhere
Big Brother is watching you!
When off the field
We all stand behind
The same line of control
Make love, not war
When I write this next train of thought
Please make no mistake
I am not comparing
Weekend warriors and sports stars
To wounded warriors
Who protect us from
The terrors of war invading our shores
I can't even begin to fathom
What it feels like to face battle …
All I know is that I hope
To be a link in the chain that
Connects the power of one with
The powers of many, who
Also feel compelled to
Impart knowledge in hopes of
Educating tomorrow's leaders
Both at home and abroad to
Embrace insight into positively focused
Trains of thought empowered to
Make this carnage stop ...
Sooner than later ...
Once and for all
And in hopes of ending
Today's post on an up beat note
Let's return to the game of football:
If, in decades past, anyone had suggested
That one day, I'd look forward to
The kick off of football season
As eagerly as the quartet of
Weekend warriors, who
Have brain washed me
Over these past forty years
I'd have bet against that impossibility ...
And lost! ... Suggesting myself to be
A living example of this fact:
I don't have a magic wand, but
I do believe in the mind's ability
To make magic, suggesting that
With patience, positive focus and
A simple plan of action ...
Anything is possible!
Your Friend (wearing jersey as I write)
Annie
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