1151 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED (18)

2014

This morning, I found this post (and one to follow) left behind in drafts.  It was originally written on January 16, 2012.  As timing is everything, it's interesting to note that during these ten days— connecting Rosh Hashanah, a time of reflection, renewal and personal growth with Yom Kippur, our day of atonement and personal commitment to change-for-the-better—it seems fitting to reflect over these deeply personal thoughts, written close to three years ago, today.

18

As you already know, therapy, which serves as a bridge, connecting my conscious mind to fears, embedded behind my many layered defensive wall, deepens my sense of self-awareness.   Until recently, I'd no clue that between the ages of three and four, I'd adopted a subconscious mindset, doubting my worthiness of feeling lovable, unless I was meeting the needs of others.  As one change leads to another, the adoption of this self demeaning attitude led me to develop the self defeating trait of subservience, which, over the long run, proved not to serve me well.
This imbalance between selflessness and self awareness, saw me growing up blind to this fact:  *Any experience that remotely resembled the latent memory of my fear of unworthiness was cause for anxiety to arise.  Sit me in the hot seat, 'suggesting' that I've not placed your needs over mine and quick as a wink, watch my think tank fill with emotional
 static as undeserved guilt burns my sense of logic to a crisp.

It's been proven that as anxiety signals the brain to pump adrenalin through the blood stream in readiness to fight/flee/freeze, the problem solving portions of our think tanks fill with static, rendering your Neo cortex and mine to react like two hard drives that crash when too many files fly open, at once.  When the brain's 'hard drive' crashes, tidal waves of emotion lock out logical-thought-processing skills at exactly those times when we're most in need of maintaining orderly control over our thoughts.  In order to clear my conscious mind of fear of failure during times of conflict, I work to maintain open pathways to logic in hopes of sheltering my loved ones from battering each other's psyches.  And thus did I create THE LINE OF CONTROL, which as you know, I chose to role model, first for my sons, and then wherever life took me.

If you ask how THE LINE OF CONTROL offers me solace during times of unresolved conflict, I'd reply:  Time and again, experience has taught me to remain attentive to this lesson:  When few understand the complexities, which undermine the good health of a specific relationship, someone must figure out the underlying dynamics, which cause a loving friendship to grow, step by step, toward engaging in a power struggle of maximized proportions.  *The only way to stop power struggling in hopes of maintaining the last threads of a relationship is to drop your end of the rope—then, rather than saying good riddance, I choose to seek guidance within a quiet haven where feeling emotionally safe from further insult to my best character traits, I can think calmly, logically and more clearly than ever before.
In order to think deep, I must work to thin out layers of my defensive wall, which thickened up, over time, to protect my heart from incurring additional bouts of injurious emotional pain.  In recent years, I've had cause to see that going back for more of 'same/old/same/old' makes no sense, at all.  In fact the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing in the same way and expecting a different result.  Been there, done that for too many years.  Quoth the raven:  Nevermore.   When negative attitudes are in need of change, someone needs to figure out patterns of thought and behavior, which exacerbate conflict on both sides.  Speaking for myself—

*Each time I'd feared not measuring up, a bout of insecurity weakened the fabric of the sum of my strengths.  In this way did unidentified insecurity place deeply valued friendships at risk until I'd remember to muster the courage to trust in my powers of intuition, yet again.  Whenever intuition suggests retreat, today, I listen attentively until such time as my sixth sense suggests that, upon deeper consideration, I have sound reason to reopen a door in my protective wall, which 
had need to close but does not lock.  Today, when another person's misperception of my thoughts, motives or actions sits me in the hot seat, I no longer feel intimidated.  As long as self trust is mine, no jackhammer is needed to penetrate my defensive wall in hopes of reaching my sense of logic. This is not to say that sitting in the hot seat is not a painful place to be.  It's just that I no longer feel so confused to find myself in the hot seat as to allow complexity to burns up my sense of logic.  And this combination of logic, self respect and compassion offers my voice a brand new sense of freedom to speak up in defense of myself.  

By this point in my life, I've experienced sound reason to empower my sixth sense to lead the rest of the widely diverse villagers who inhabit my conscious mind.  Each time intuition encourages my whole mind to remain as calm under fire as possible, I am capable of listening astutely to that which others say they believe of me.  With THE LINE OF CONTROL as my ally, I can remain attentive to detail, thus gaining insight into why distortions of my best character traits may be taking place.
Upon listening attentively before responding, I can track the misperceptions of others, and once I ascertain why a person I love feels the need to put me down, I can respond in such a way as to iron out wrinkles without laying guilt or putting a loved one down when it's my turn to voice my views.  Though that is not new to me, here is 
what is:  Having come to know both sides of my traits in depth, the hot seat no longer feels hot.
As my goal is focused upon defusing defensive reactions in favor of restoring the conversation to logic, laced with compassion, you may see why 'readiness to confront conflict' speaks of mustering a whale of patience to me.  I do not hide in plain sight, resort to sarcastic, passive aggressive comments or plan for attack.  I plan for peaceful conflict resolution, at long last.  And that describes the person I know myself to have grown to be, thus far.  We are taught that each one must do his own work—and I have.  And do.  Just that.

Each time a subconscious 'memory' of pain takes a bite out of my sense of inner peace, today, you'll watch that undertow of anxiety begin to power up.  *In the past, latent anxiety derailed my straightforward, solution-seeking track of mind.  As those stories unfold, you'll watch my sense of clarity fog up in direct proportion to anxiety severing my connection to self trust.
*In the absence of self-trust, anxiety is free to spike.  Each time this unidentified, negatively focused cycle picks up steam, you'll watch my spirit, which had seemed secure, suddenly barrel down hill.  Thankfully, that's no longer true, today.

If you ask why that downhill scenario is as true for good hearted souls, today, as when the bard had breathed life into the brilliance of his scripts—as quick as he could ink his quill—I'd reply:  There's bad news and good news.  Let's get the bad news out of the way, first:
*As both sides of human nature (fear and courage) will exist, forever, every generation will face the same-old-same-old classic, universal and timeless dilemmas.  *Each time a frightened mind escapes from pain by seeking refuge in attack or slipping into Denialand, self-trust has no chance to mature.
*If latent insecurities, carried forward from childhood remain subconsciously unprocessed and raw, then one negative train of thought leads to another until negative thought patterns create negatively focused attitudes, which fog up the logical thought processing center in our brains, thus turning life into a cyclical maze that grows ever more confusing with each step we take.  As I want to age with lightness of spirit intact, I'd best figure out how best to balance my needs with the needs of those I love.  Makes sense.  Right?

*If, over time, denial blocks Jack or Jill—or both—from acknowledging the main reason why two strong spirits continue to climb uphill only to barrel back down, repeatedly, then it's impossible to engage in discussions where deeper truths clarify fear-driven misperceptions, which create sparks of negatively focused tension, zinging back and forth through the air.  *If, over time, distrust heightens frustration on both sides then two defensive walls are raised; separate camps develop, and masks and shields hide how sadly hearts are missing each other's company, and everyone who cares loses.  *When misperceptions continue to pile up and neither wall is dismantled, both sides may lose sight of how best to put two heads together to take positive steps toward narrowing the gap, which continues to erode and widen if left on its own.

When a major, underlying issue goes undetected and thus unresolved, one long standing misunderstanding creates many more, all of which fuse together, creating patterns of behavior, in need of identifying, so that hope of resolving a conflict does not wain on both sides.   At this point it's not unusual for two intelligent minds to have soaked in so many mixed messages that Mixed-Messaged-Madness exacerbates emotional chaos until neither smart heart can figure out which end is up or ‘who’s on first’.
As to observers, who see only surface reactions, most have no clue as to the complexity that needs sorting out.  Having gleaned much of this information from the books I choose to read while engaging in therapy and from personal experience, as well—there are times when silence feels more golden to loquacious me than I can explain off the top of my head.  During deeply complex times, separation and sanity go hand in hand—for this reason:
*As frustration builds behind both walls, fuses shorten, and fireworks, which build up, over time, need to blow off steam—not a pretty sight for any to behold—most especially when name calling adds to the tension that makes it hard to breathe.  As oxygen is necessary for the think tank to work effectively, I work to maintain my Line of (emotional) Control until depth of understanding is mine.

So now, in the nick of time, here's the good news:  Each time I gain a deeper sense of insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls around latent insecurities on both sides, I come to see why self awareness, self respect and mutual respect must feel nourished if love is to deepen, flourish and burst into full bloom.  With self trust, darkened attitudes stop drilling holes into logical trains of thought.  Once logic holds hands with positively focused attitudes, cups, which had sprung leaks, refill.  Once insecurity stops shooting holes into each others' cups, we grow wise in terms of celebrating each other's steps toward personal growth, day by day.

Every relationship may be likened to the climate in the Midwest, which grows better or worse, but does not stay the same, very long.  *This post expresses my belief that a union made in heaven can transform into everyone's worst possible nightmare, one step at a time—if—self trust stumbles and tumbles down hill, early on—with no one growing wiser as to how depth in self awareness on both sides may save the day in the nick of time.  Unlike the weather, emotional climates don't improve on their own.  Emotional climates improve when hot winded insinuations cool off at least enough to figure out what each side misperceives of the other.  Believe me—that's quite a task to demand of oneself when one is flinging insults and the other is shielding a heart from absorbing further abuse.

*By way of seeking insight into myself, it's come clear that positive focus plus patience, on the part of at least one mind—which floats on hope—may stop a vicious cycle by stepping away from the emotional fray while working—free of tension—to figure out how best to turn a stalled relationship around.  As I've written, many times over:  Readiness for change is everything.  On the other hand, success is not ours until readiness to deepen self awareness takes place on both sides.  When that's not the case, we must live in peace with the fact that we have done everything humanly possible to keep the door in our own protective wall unlocked, for this reason:  Two walls exist.  And the only wall of denial that each can consciously choose to take down, layer by layer, is our own.  Why is that true?  Experience has proven, time and again, that a mind, fueled by denial, is as fierce an adversary as logic will ever come up against. 

When asked why I work faithfully to turn insecure cycles toward self trust and mutual trust laced with compassion for those with whom I find myself in conflict, my answer is simple:  The emotional, mental and physical health of my loved ones is worth every Herculean effort.  *In fact, refocusing my energy in hopes of being instrumental in catalyzing a rebirth of harmony by working to connect my growing sense of self respect with compassion for those whose misdirected anger creates a scapegoat of me, is the most crucial work I've undertaken, as of yet.

*As patience, humility, courage and insight into compassion create the combination of personal strengths that breathes life into loving relationships, dark days lie ahead for any who remain unaware of this fact:  Unresolved anxiety causes us to drop each other’s hands.  And eventually, letting loose with one insult after another penetrates the most compassionately insulated heart.  When this continues to be the case, overlong—sanity and separation can't help but hold hands.

Having worked determinedly to gain insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls of denial around subconscious insecurities, I've come to see why self respect, on both sides, strengthens the interconnectedness of two hearts and minds.  *Once we work to broaden narrow mindsets, life lightens up; clarity fills in a story's holes; misperceptions clear up; cups overflow with gratitude and generosity of spirit blows up each other's balloons!  How do I know this to be true?  Patience, my friend—once we turn off the heartbreak faucet, heartwarming stories, over flowing with tales of successful disengagement from power struggles will pour forth from my think tank.

*As instinct led me to study, teach and absorb family dynamics for several decades, I’ve come to believe that self doubt, which heightens anxiety, may be the culprit that erodes loving relationships, more often than we know.  *Since no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, shadows of self-doubt may be the ornery critters that darken our perceptions into misperceptions.

*To our great misfortune, misperceptions distort the innocent intentions of loved ones in the same way that a fun house mirror alters the reflected image of each person, who stands before it.  *In short, that which we see through eyes of fear may distort the truth of another's vulnerabilities and strengths.  If you ask why we see certain people as 'better' than they are, while we 'see' others in a darker light ... well the complexity inherent in that answer will simplify, story by story.  On the other hand, here's a simplified answer that I can offer up, today:

*We tend to white wash the traits of certain people while painting the traits of others in a darker hue because—love is blind.  When love blinds us to clarity, we dismiss painful realities by moving into Denialand, where personal growth gets stuck inside a ton of baggage that remains locked with no key in sight—as of yet.   BTW—as long as we mistake narrowness of thought for loyalty, no one achieves win-win.

*Those of us who come down too hard on our own vulnerabilities tend to send ourselves on undeserved guilt trips.  *Those who sweep compassion aside, thus 'putting down' the vulnerabilities of others, bury their heads in a whirl of denial.  *Once both sides open their eyes to self defeating patterns, which exist at opposite ends of the spectrum, that's when two minds will grow wise enough to narrow the gap—and not before.

It's one thing to dig in deep seeking insight.  It's another to bury one's head in denial and feel wronged, thereby making a perpetual victim of oneself.  Before readiness for change-for-the-better ripens, personal patterns must be identified and understood—on both sides.

If you wonder what this post has to do with traits acquired by two siblings, whose first five years of life had differed dramatically from each other … let's see what took place, right after my baby sister, Janet, died.  Then we'll witness emotional changes, which took place in our home, after my baby sister, Lauren was born  …

Oh—BTW:  At first, while posting, I'd highlighted certain insights to resemble light sabers, which empower our minds to ignite positive change.  As I've tired of that, I've chosen to simplify this process, by starring those insights, instead.  *Lots of stars within a post points to the fact that I'm readying my mind to re-visit a terrifying time, with less fear, for this reason:  Over time, I've worked diligently to absorb pertinent insights into my character development ever more deeply—and as repetition is not redundant when the goal is retention I remind myself of this fact:  *We cannot know another in depth until we no longer fear knowing both sides of ourselves.

As mentioned before—being a guy, Socrates would have summarized this entire post into two words:  Know Thyself.  Unfortunately, most of his peers, who didn't get the message, sentenced the sage to death—and thus has kill the messenger spoken to us from that early time straight through to this very day.  Having experienced that myself too many times to count, I think long and hard before taking the role of messenger upon myself.

When I choose to be quiet, you can believe sound reason has caused a person, as loquacious as me to retreat into an emotionally safe haven in which to think deeply and peaceable in hopes that insight into a mental breakthrough may, one day, be mine.  It takes a whale of logical thought to sift through emotional complexity in hopes of coming up with a simple plan that offers compassion, inner peace and love to every heart saddened by conflict, which remains unresolved.

When my therapist suggested that I'm addicted to hope.  I replied:  Thank God for that!  Just think of the sorry road I'd travel without it.  Today, I'd add:  Guess what fuels my sense of hope?  All of those strings of insight, which fly around inside my mind like swarms of fireflies, lighting up thoughts, which had once been dark.