2014
Brain still tired
Thought I was getting sick
While driving, yesterday afternoon
I could barely stay awake
Made a beeline for home
Slipped out of jeans
Got comfy and took a nap
Awoke feeling light headed, dizzy
Canceled dinner plans
Will brought home Chinese
Shrimp in lobster sauce for him
Chicken egg foo young sans sauce for me
Fell asleep while watching tv
Slept through the night
Awoke light headed, dizzy, again
Cancelled daytime plans with friends
And then it hit!
Insight into the fact that I've been
Transitioning from a fearful state of being to
Taking control over my brain as a whole ...
Suggestive of self control in the making!
OMG, I thought ...
I'm not sick!
My conscious mind has been struggling
With a subconscious bout of PTSD!
That awareness inspired me to EMDR myself
And upon releasing a deep sigh of recognition
Confusion cleared and with clarity
Insight number two flew out of my mind:
I've been oxygen deprived!
Creating this sense of light headed dizziness!
Why?
Because subconscious anxiety has been
Osmosing into my conscious mind
Constricting my ability to breathe, peaceably
Why?
Because during a therapy session on Thursday
I'd worked to peel away another layer of
My defensive wall, suggesting that
Emotion ... too terrifying for a
Four year old mind to process
On that night when we'd feared that
SIDS was taking Lauren's life as
Had been true with Janet ...
Has been actively processing
Through my adult subconscious over
These past two days, and
Now that subconscious emotion
Specific to that memory, has clarified for me
The terror, which remained repressed
For all these years, reemerged, causing
Me to feel breathless and faint while
Déjà vu reverberated through
My mind and body, catalyzing
This traumatized feeling to
Control my mind and body, anew, until ...
Intuitive thought offered
My conscious mind insight into
Repressed stress, which is actually
Emerging as I write!
And now that clarity is mine
The terrifying experience of that night
Which has haunted me subconsciously
Throughout my life, will no longer
Wield the power
To create emotional stress reactions
That proved so toxic to my well being as to have
Scared me, breathless, again and again!
Thanks to EMDR
I have grown ever more capable of identifying and
Piecing together portions of my
Puzzling reactions, on my own
As you can see, I work to
Free myself of PTSD in
The same patient, determined manner that
Life must be lived, taking
One step forward, toward
Change for the better, at a time ...
And in that way are heartfelt goals, such as
Josie de vivre achieved, one insight at a time
Wishing you a five star day
Your tired but smiling-for-sound-reason friend,
Annie
PS ... Four pounds down, one to go
PSS This post was written about two hours ago
I'm back to share another insight that
Popped out of my mind:
Over these past two days, all I felt was vulnerable
However, all of a sudden, insight number three
Bounced into my conscious sense of awareness:
The fact that my vulnerability felt ready to emerge from
Behind my defensive wall is another sign of inner strength
Why?
Because of this fact:
While part of my mind was blocked, struggling
With a bout of PTSD, which
Proved so strong as to
Squeeze the life force out of
My spirit until I'd felt faint
My strong hold on logic enabled me to
Figure out that I was not ill but rather
Breathless with latent fear, implying
Inner strength pinning
PTSD to the mat, on my own!
This insight led to the next:
That which feels bad, at first, may prove
Healing in the long run, suggesting that
That which feels bad may actually
Be good for you, too!
Once insight number one
Breaks through denial's defensive wall
Your think tank may grow
Ever more pensive, as has been true of mine
And here is why that proves true, time and again:
Once insight into the power of
Positive focus speaks to you
Your think tank may begin to percolate
More intuitively, and thus
Naturally, than ever before
As for me ...
Cancelled our early plans to rest up
Just verified our evening plans with dear friends
Gotta love it when change for the better
Takes place overnight!! Right? You bet!
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