2014
A treasured friend once asked
Annie, why not cleanse your brain of PTSD
By way of hypnosis?
At that point in time
I did not hold the key to the answer, which
I'd offer my friend, today:
Today, I'd ask my friend to consider this dilemma:
How could a hypnotist know
Which self defeating attitudes
In need of de-construction
Remain buried under layers of denial
Within subconscious pockets of my mind?
Seems to me that hypnotist
Would have to be a psychic
The reason EMDR therapy takes time
Is because of this fact:
Before the injured portions of my mind
Can heal, thus cleansing my brain
Of subconscious attitudes, which
Lead to self defeat, I've had to work to catch
And organize swarms of insights in a jar, thus
Enlightening my conscious mind
To grow so bright as to piece together
A slew of puzzling experiences, which created
The sum of my traits, making me
The person I've grown to be, today
And though this next insight has been emerging
In a fuzzy state for quite some time
Here's the bullseye that clarified for me
During my therapy session on Thursday:
Buried beneath layers of defensive self protection
I'd unknowingly demeaned my self worth, each time
I could not satisfy the needs of those I love
And here is the proof of the pudding:
Each time I could not
Satisfy the needs of those I love
The surprising nature of their defensive reactions
Felt so shocking as to
Block, sack and lock up
My think tank's sense of logic
And if you ask: Annie, what caused your brain
To lock all logical thought out of your think tank
I'd reply: Plain and simple: Denial
If asked what I denied, I'd reply:
I denied that the defensive reactions of loved ones
Could paint my brightest traits as dark as
That which I'd heard
In fact, so shocked did I feel upon listening
To such skewed perceptions of me that
My mind filled with static
Once the mind fills with static
The voice loses its power to respond with
Anything resembling clarity
And as long as this pattern of denial blocked clarity
I couldn't find my way out of
A paper bag, much less make
A first down to save my
Self respect from being tackled, repeatedly
Why not?
Because I'd unknowingly adopted
A self demeaning attitude suggesting
That as soon as others lost sight of my worth—
So did I!
If you ask:
Annie, when did you adopt this subconscious attitude, which
Denied your self worth
I'd reply:
First at the vulnerable age of three, then, again, at four—
And denial blinded me to my adoption of
This negatively focused thought pattern until
My mind engaged with EMDR therapy, which
Coaxes insights to emerge until
Self demeaning mindsets appear in 3D
Seriously, it's a given that small fry feel as though
Everything that goes wrong is their fault … right?
Each time I felt put down—my think tank experienced
A minor but potent shot of PTSD
Why potent? Because, each time
I was made to feel as though
I had not taken good care of
A loved one's needs above my own
I'd feel bad and lose sight of logic
And in the absence of logic
I'd lose my voice, as well
Little by little, insight by insight
I've regained my hold on logic no matter
How shocked I feel
And thus is clarity mine in the midst of fending off
Negatively focused perceptions concerning my character
Each time I make good use of my line of control
My voice remains self empowered
And that change for the better has proved true
Most especially, over these past two years
Though I'll be petite throughout my lifetime
I'm small fry, no more—
Free your defense system to
Mess with my sense of clarity?
Hear me roar—my truth
Gently, patiently, compassionately—
Because that's a habit I've chosen to keep
As to chrysalis—please look closely—
And you shall see my wings beginning to
'Breakthrough' this newest growth spurt's shell …
At times, when my need for chrysalis is clear
I have no problem explaining my need to shed
An old mindset, which, in light of insight
Has not served me—or anyone else—well
At other times, I may imply my need to adventure forth
Into an unexplored tunnel of my mind until
Insight into a personal growth spurt feels ready to
Reveal why intuition deems it necessary
For me to de-construct a subconscious mindset, on my own
Generally speaking, mindsets in need of shedding
Show themselves to be based in negatively focused
Self demeaning beliefs, adopted
Unknowingly, during childhood, causing me to
Lose sight of self respect, which
Leads to self defeat, repeatedly—and as long as
A mindset, emerging from my subconscious
Feels fuzzy, much of my conscious mind will remain
Inside that tunnel until a host of insights
Illuminate a burst of clarity so bright as to
Flood both sides of my mind with logical thought so
Self-empowering as to ready my voice
Bolstered with self respect, to reveal myself as a whole
Though my therapy session, last Thursday, offered me
Insight into the underlying reason as to why my voice
Lost it's power, repeatedly
I'm not yet ready to send that revelation
Into cyberspace for this reason:
My advancement toward understanding
That which silenced my sense of self empowerment
Is in its infancy, so though this post may wet your curiosity
About whatever insight is processing through
My mind, right now, please know full well that
It's not my way to play coy, concerning
Serious changes undergoing
Subconscious adjustment while I write
When my mind has finished percolating, suggesting
Intuitive understanding has healed my sense of
Self depreciation, this current growth spurt
Will feel complete, at which time
I'll feel ready to name the strength that
Is presently becoming fully baked
Actually, now that I think about it
Another word for
Chrysalis is—privacy ...
Which proves necessary during
Each crucial stage of personal growth
Whether we be caterpillar or human being—
Wishing you a five star day
Your pensive friend,
Annie
PS
By now, I'm sure it's plain to see that
While offering you a bird's eye view into
The detailed goings on within my brain
In truth, the person who
Receives the most benefit of
This in depth view of
Your friend, Annie, is
Me
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