I'd like to take this opportunity to offer you
A prime example of identifying deja vu:
Yesterday, I awoke with anxiety
Had I not identified my fear as simulating
The anxiety, which, in its unidentified state
Had escalated like a runaway train in September
I'd have condemned my sense of courage for abandoning me, again
The fact that I gained insight into the origin of my distress
Once Will's surgery had passed
Enabled me to identify the main reason for my reaction, yesterday
With recognition, into the main source of my fear
I tamed my reaction by
The fact that I gained insight into the origin of my distress
Once Will's surgery had passed
Enabled me to identify the main reason for my reaction, yesterday
With recognition, into the main source of my fear
I tamed my reaction by
Turning to Will and voicing this insight into that which
I was feeling with him:
Will, I'm re-experiencing the same fear that
Grabbed control of my mind before your surgery in September
I know you'll be fine after your procedure, today, but
I need to feel reassured that no one's going to harm me …
As Will was on my wavelength, immediately, he held me and replied:
Annie, today's procedure is going to go smoothly
Dr. B will insert the markers, and we'll go home
Over the next seven days, the areas of insertion will heal
And my radiation treatments will begin
By the fourth week in August, we'll look back at this year, and
Feel glad it's over. You're not alone, and
No one's going to hurt you
If I knew everything Will said was true then
Which part of my mind had need to hear his reassuring words?
The part of my mind in need of reassurance had
Channeled the child who had lost her ability to
Express her fears in the aftermath of her sister's death
If you ask why such a vital part of this three year old's voice
Had been silenced to the point that while growing up
She'd felt too overwhelmed
To ask for help when fear arose
I'd reply:
At a highly vulnerable age, this child
Had reason to adopt a subconscious fear of frowns, which
Proved so overpowering as to have
Outweighed all other fears, because during
This tender stage of personality development
I was feeling with him:
Will, I'm re-experiencing the same fear that
Grabbed control of my mind before your surgery in September
I know you'll be fine after your procedure, today, but
I need to feel reassured that no one's going to harm me …
As Will was on my wavelength, immediately, he held me and replied:
Annie, today's procedure is going to go smoothly
Dr. B will insert the markers, and we'll go home
Over the next seven days, the areas of insertion will heal
And my radiation treatments will begin
By the fourth week in August, we'll look back at this year, and
Feel glad it's over. You're not alone, and
No one's going to hurt you
If I knew everything Will said was true then
Which part of my mind had need to hear his reassuring words?
The part of my mind in need of reassurance had
Channeled the child who had lost her ability to
Express her fears in the aftermath of her sister's death
If you ask why such a vital part of this three year old's voice
Had been silenced to the point that while growing up
She'd felt too overwhelmed
To ask for help when fear arose
I'd reply:
At a highly vulnerable age, this child
Had reason to adopt a subconscious fear of frowns, which
Proved so overpowering as to have
Outweighed all other fears, because during
This tender stage of personality development
Her mind had unknowingly associated frowns with—Death
Until recently, I'd no clue that
My fear of frowns/death had silenced my voice from exposing
Any emotion other than those, which had
Ignited my loved ones' smiles
In short, I'd no clue that my smile and
My self worth had become enmeshed
Whenever my frown slipped out
I'd devalued myself, and that's true, even now …
No doubt, you'd agree that a subconscious attitude as
Self-depreciating as that had been in need of identifying for this reason:
Recognition precedes changing negatively focused mindsets for the better
Recently, I've made headway expressing
Fear, frustration and anger more freely than ever before
It's interesting to note that while many need to
Rein in those emotions, I need to grow comfortable with
Expressing the repressed side of my nature, naturally
And that insight leads me to ask—
Which side of human nature may have had reason to
Repress (or depress) when you were a child?
Was it your freedom to express the depth of your ire, or
Was it your freedom to express the depth of your love?
And what of expressing the pureness of joy?
Upon rereading that last stanza it becomes apparent that
If I'd been offered a conscious choice as to which side of
Human nature to repress
I'd have chosen fear and anger rather than
Love and joy, highlighting this fact, yet again:
Deeper truth suggests that
Lady Luck did not abandon this three year old child
Seriously—it's reassuring to know that I grew up
Flashing a smile, inviting the smiles of others
To hold my hand rather than
Flinging a dark, gothic frown all around—and BTW
Insight into why my smile sparkled, naturally
Will appear on your screen before this story ends
Here's another fact of which I am certain:
Strings of insights as deep as these
Would not have begun to spotlight
Dark pockets in my mind had I not
Delved into self discovery, so determinedly, during therapy
I mean think about it:
How many three year old memories
Pop naturally out of your mind in a detailed fashion?
My therapist knows which questions to ask, and
Fortunately, I was able to ask my mother for answers
I guess it's safe to surmise that if you ask
What takes place, most frequently
Inside my mind, today, here's what I'd reply:
If you peek into my ear, this what I believe you'll see:
A deeply compassionate attitude, fortified by a
Dogged sense of tenacity, working to fathom
How best to resolve an on-going conflict, all around—and
Today, 'all around' suggests that while
Considering how to meet the needs of those I love—
I remember to include my own
As Will understood that my mind had channeled
Yesteryear's childlike need to feel reassured after
I'd consciously exposed and expressed a frowning emotion
His warm hug and verbal affirmation counteracted
The vulnerability of an anxious 'child's' belief in diminished self worth
Having written today's post, it grows evident that
Relapse takes place inside the brain at those times when
Subconscious enmeshment connects
Past and present events in surprising ways, and
Having tucked today's string of insights into my bonnet
I believe myself capable of being consciously equipped
To reaffirm my own self worth each time
Echoes of PTSD tap into my sense of childlike anxiety, which is
Still easily aroused whenever fate offers me reason to frown
As change for the better proves to be an on-going process
Hopefully, with time spent in objective reflection
My self worth will not flag at half mast whenever
As for now, I believe you'll feel relieved to know that
The insertion of the markers went well ...
Will feels fine
And so do I ...
So, let's end today's post on this upbeat note :)
Until recently, I'd no clue that
My fear of frowns/death had silenced my voice from exposing
Any emotion other than those, which had
Ignited my loved ones' smiles
In short, I'd no clue that my smile and
My self worth had become enmeshed
Whenever my frown slipped out
I'd devalued myself, and that's true, even now …
No doubt, you'd agree that a subconscious attitude as
Self-depreciating as that had been in need of identifying for this reason:
Recognition precedes changing negatively focused mindsets for the better
Recently, I've made headway expressing
Fear, frustration and anger more freely than ever before
It's interesting to note that while many need to
Rein in those emotions, I need to grow comfortable with
Expressing the repressed side of my nature, naturally
And that insight leads me to ask—
Which side of human nature may have had reason to
Repress (or depress) when you were a child?
Was it your freedom to express the depth of your ire, or
Was it your freedom to express the depth of your love?
And what of expressing the pureness of joy?
Upon rereading that last stanza it becomes apparent that
If I'd been offered a conscious choice as to which side of
Human nature to repress
I'd have chosen fear and anger rather than
Love and joy, highlighting this fact, yet again:
Deeper truth suggests that
Lady Luck did not abandon this three year old child
Seriously—it's reassuring to know that I grew up
Flashing a smile, inviting the smiles of others
To hold my hand rather than
Flinging a dark, gothic frown all around—and BTW
Insight into why my smile sparkled, naturally
Will appear on your screen before this story ends
Here's another fact of which I am certain:
Strings of insights as deep as these
Would not have begun to spotlight
Dark pockets in my mind had I not
Delved into self discovery, so determinedly, during therapy
I mean think about it:
How many three year old memories
Pop naturally out of your mind in a detailed fashion?
My therapist knows which questions to ask, and
Fortunately, I was able to ask my mother for answers
I guess it's safe to surmise that if you ask
What takes place, most frequently
Inside my mind, today, here's what I'd reply:
If you peek into my ear, this what I believe you'll see:
A deeply compassionate attitude, fortified by a
Dogged sense of tenacity, working to fathom
How best to resolve an on-going conflict, all around—and
Today, 'all around' suggests that while
Considering how to meet the needs of those I love—
I remember to include my own
As Will understood that my mind had channeled
Yesteryear's childlike need to feel reassured after
I'd consciously exposed and expressed a frowning emotion
His warm hug and verbal affirmation counteracted
The vulnerability of an anxious 'child's' belief in diminished self worth
Having written today's post, it grows evident that
Relapse takes place inside the brain at those times when
Subconscious enmeshment connects
Past and present events in surprising ways, and
Having tucked today's string of insights into my bonnet
I believe myself capable of being consciously equipped
To reaffirm my own self worth each time
Echoes of PTSD tap into my sense of childlike anxiety, which is
Still easily aroused whenever fate offers me reason to frown
As change for the better proves to be an on-going process
Hopefully, with time spent in objective reflection
My self worth will not flag at half mast whenever
I have reason to frown
As for now, I believe you'll feel relieved to know that
The insertion of the markers went well ...
Will feels fine
And so do I ...
So, let's end today's post on this upbeat note :)
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