June 22, 2014
Lately, I'm having trouble sleeping
Ever since I began EMDR therapy
Trouble sleeping has come to mean that
A recent insight, which has filtered from
My subconscious into my conscious mind is hinting at
The next insight, which needs to emerge so that
Eventually, a string of insights will coalesce into
A spotlight, highlighting the fearsome mystery, which
I can feel lumbering around, deep inside, though
I've not yet peeled away enough of the layered wall separating
That memory from my conscious mind—
After sleeping fitfully, last night
I awakened with 'that feeling', which indicates
My sixth sense suggesting that with stillness
A new insight, percolating behind my defensive wall, may
Bubble up just as water bubbles up so hotly as to
Filter its way into coffee grounds which simulate the darkness that
Remains hidden in the subconscious portion of my mind
If you ask why my subconscious hides this darkness from
My conscious awarness, I'd reply:
This defensive wall is Mother Nature's way
Of protecting the ebullience of my
Self confident, high spirited smile from feeling
So engulfed in darkness as to cause me to grow too anxious
To liberate my intelligence to percolate away until
One cup full of insight is brewed at a time, and
In this patient way does my adult mind gain control over
My entire think tank, so that the ghost from the past, which
Has haunted me ever since childhood
Cannot overwhelm my sense of hope that suggests
It's better to spend more of my energy enjoying
The greater part of my good fortune, today, than wallowing in fear of
That painful secret, which needs to be purged, one insight at a time
If you ask me to share
The insight that filtered into my conscious mind after
I awakened to intuition whispering into my ear
I'll do my best to clarify that which still feels
Kind of fuzzy within my mind's eye:
First, let's see how last week's insight led to
The insight that lit up inside my mind, today:
As a child, who'd had reason to
Develop a fear of frowns, above all other fears
I lost sight of my right to say NO whenever
An authority figure expressed
A personal need that 'my need to please' could feed
And now that those two insights have merged into one
We begin to see how
One dark and mystifying experience will
Lead me directly into the next …
As today's insight pinpoints the portion of my voice which was lost
We can see a domino effect beginning to build in that
One unresolved problem will lead to a string of problems that
Will have seemed unrelated until insight into my greatest fear
Allows us to tie together
The most puzzling aspects of my life, and as
My 500 piece puzzle continues to come together
You and I will see a pattern shape up to which I'd been blind until
Intuition led me to quest ever more deeply into
Self discovery in hopes of understanding emotional reactions which had
Continued to grow so complex that
My sixth sense sought a path whereby I have back traced through
Each stage of my life until trains of thought, adopted during childhood
Began to emerge and
Upon revisiting a series of experiences, which prove to be related
You and I will be able to identify, which of my attitudes
Absorbed during childhood are in need of review
As we've already gained insight into how problem #1 (fear of frowns)
Led straight toward problem #2 (swallowing my right to say NO)
This newly conceived pattern will surely continue to develop while
You and I revisit the problems that
I'd faced on my own in posts entitled
Bully For Me and First Kiss ...
On second thought
Here is where patience proves necessary, once again, because
Those stories must wait in line until you and I have revisited
An experience that shook up my family when I was four, and so
In order to move my saga forward in an orderly fashion
We can expect to begin our review of
NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!
When next we meet …
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