(Holy cow! As yesterday's stream of consciousness poured out of my mind in wording that proved half baked, that train of thought may have been more confusing than not. If I found that post in need of clarity, I'm sure you did, too, so quite a bit of editing has been done :)
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As choice and destiny determine our fate, deeper truth suggests life is a gamble, at best. Knowing that as true, I'm faced this choice while narrating my story: I can briefly sketch in up coming scenes, so you'll conceive of Janet’s death as having been exceptionally sad—or—I can flesh in the mind shattering nature of my experience, thereby asking you to witness the lasting effects of panic, shock and devastation, thundering through a three year old child, as best as words can describe.
By fleshing in these next scenes, you'll see why the circumstances surrounding my baby sister’s death catalyzed a series of frightful changes that will confound my family as a whole, resulting in fear-based mind sets in need of change for the better, all around. Though I have sound reason to feel conflicted about reviving the most painful aspects of déjà vu, which had scared me out of my wits at this highly vulnerable stage of life when my mind could not possibly understand the meaning of death—oh wait—on second thought—what do I understand of death, right now—other than this fact: Once a loved one has passed, he or she is never seen, again. And having experienced the anguish of irretrievable loss more than once, I've learned to honor every person I love each time opportunity offers me another chance to rejoice in their presence, rather than, one day, reflecting back with regret as I've known so many to do.
On the other hand, there are times in every love relationship when inner conflict erupts, resulting in more pain than pleasure. When that's the case, a mystery arises, and solving mysteries requires an inquiring mind. So we're back to confusion arousing inner conflict, begging curiosity to tap into intuitive thought until a deeper sense of understanding results in the emergence of insight driven problem solving, highlighting a solution, which could not be seen when trains of thought had been dark, all around.
As my adult mind has grown from a little caboose—following another's train of thought—toward developing into an engine, empowered to pull my own trains of thought from one insightful station to the next, I welcome those times when intuition, seeking insight into self awareness, pulls me into a station where I can work quietly at identifying, unloading and re-examining layers of fear-based emotion—otherwise known as baggage—which Mother Nature had deemed fit to store within pockets of my subconscious until such time as I muster the courage to check myself out—straight into my core. As self discovery proves to be a soulful activity, we can surmise that Lady Luck did not abandon this terrified duckling, after all. I mean, seriously, which would you choose: An addiction to alcohol, drugs, denial or an addiction to hope, suggesting change for the better will be yours with every intuitive step forward you take? Seems like a no brainer, right?
With that said, here's what intuition suggests, right now: My most recent trains of thought have been readying my mind to muster the courage to balance logic with emotion so that—hopefully—the door in my self protective wall will swing open, offering me an opportunity to pull my story into the next station, where I'll unload another layer of subconscious baggage by reprocessing a self depreciating mind set, which had etched itself too deeply into my memory on the most terrifying day that I'd experienced as a child.
If you ask where tomorrow's post will take us—my guess is that readiness to review the next scene in my story will be mine, suggesting we'll witness my grandma striding out of the kitchen toward our third floor back porch ...
PS—BTW, the instructional portion of my blog is still in Filipino …
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