1056 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 50

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*Though it's likely that at three, I'd felt jealous of being dethroned when Janet was born, I may feel quite differently at four about sharing the spotlight when Lauren is lifted out of her crib after awakening from her nap, day after day.  *Situations, creating inner conflict at one time, may offer reason for relief at another—as in thank God our baby is alive—and everyone is smiling …

Upon reflection, I'll go to any length not to revisit my parents’ mental torment and anguished despair.  From the age of three, until recently, I'd do anything to sidestep a frown, and most fearsome were frowns directed at me.  In the past your frown or silence would have caused my self confidence to plummet downhill as fast as Jill followed Jack …

Raise an eyebrow in my direction, watch my ability to voice my needs get stuck in my throat while my strong spirited mind spontaneously capitulates to do your bidding.  Jump?  How high?  Then—watch me jump higher than expected.  And not until I gained insight into self-awareness, concerning my fear of frowns, could I fathom why anxiety arose each time my need conflicted with the needs of those I loved.

Whenever frustration burnt a hole into my adopted attitude of compliance, I'd simply open the door to Denialand where any hint of resentment was swallowed up by relief as soon as I'd won your smile.  *For decades, no one will be more in the dark about what I actually feel, deep inside, than me.  And here is why that may be true of you, too:  Every mind is divided into two parts, suggestive of this fact:  The conscious mind has no clue what we hide from ourselves, subconsciously, until we choose to grow attentive to the little voice of intuition that acts like a filter between that which we tell ourselves is true and that which is actually true, concerning feelings that we can bury for only so long behind our defensive walls.

*Inner conflict that just won't quit proves to be a stealthy little critter that pays little mind to a pleaser's need to please others.  Though my little voice of intuition had poked at me, repeatedly, I ignored it, consistently, even though one visible clue, that being my internal itch, which compelled me to rake my skin raw, showcased the repressed state of my distress.  Thank goodness, my little voice of intuition continued to poke at me until recently, when fate gave me reason to reconsider the importance of my unmet needs more consciously, openly and honestly than ever before.  Just imagine how liberated your spirit would feel if you, too, felt so safe as to explore and expose every feeling, every thought that emerged from deep within your very core ...

Death was not explained to young children, when I was three.  And had my parents tried, what could they have said to help a three-year old mind comprehend that which the brilliance of science cannot fathom, even now?  As to my having adopted a sense of guilt when Janet disappeared, well, it stands to reason that I would not have voted to bring a competitor for my parents' attentions into our home.  Then when that competitor's disappearance catalyzed so much despair that I could not win a smile to save my three year old self esteem from tumbling down hill—well, my 'sense of self' certainly had reason to diminish, right there … 

When the sudden death of a beloved child remains an unsolved mystery, a terrified parent may adopt a set of precautionary routines to 'insure' that such a fearsome tragedy will not repeat.  As fearsome trains of thought imprint into a parent's patterns, which of those patterns might a keenly observant, four-year old caboose, unconsciously mimic while skipping along in her mommy's footsteps, from dawn to dusk, day after day?  How many of our parents' fears do little monkey faces unknowingly adopt?
What if one child has reason to adopt the fears of one parent while another child has reason to adopt the vulnerabilities of the other parent?  What might cause siblings to develop this dichotomy in traits?  How dissimilar might the traits of siblings appear if no one thinks to discover underlying fears, which fog up the mind's eye of each child?  Why do we so often hear:  Appearances are often deceiving.  *In later years, what may observers not comprehend when  a mind, engaged in self discovery, catalyzes an adult to process through change-for-the-better while adopted vulnerabilities are developing into personal strengths, at last?

Each time a major change takes center stage in the saga of family life, one chapter winds down as the next chapter begins … So, let's see what happens when a falling star trails after her mother and grandma, who've had reason to adopt the fearful attitude of safety—above all else ...