1062 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 5

5

2002

I nod agreeably, thinking of how much I miss my dad when Mom says:  More often than not, it feels tragic to lose a husband, wife, or parents.

Then Mom grows quietly pensive, and as one thought leads to the next, my mind drifts toward the magnification of tragedy when irretrievable loss is stunningly unexpected.  And when that stunningly unexpected loss is your child, suggesting irreversible loss is out of order, shock coupled with tragedy magnifies immeasurably if parental responsibility is riddled with guilt.

After a moment, Mom’s next reveal recaptures my undivided attention:  When you lose the person who has shared every aspect of your life, both the good and the bad, over sixty years, that loss feels impossible to accept.  I hate when people say I’m ‘lucky’ that Dad went so fast.  The person who dies suddenly is the lucky one, not the person who’s left to live the end of life, alone.  I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, and I always wonder if he really knew how much I loved him.

As the depth of my mother's loneliness at living alone for the first time in her life at the age of 87 stays with me 24/7, my heart floods with compassion when I reply:  Of course he knew, Mom—actions speak louder than words.

I don’t know, Annie.  I wasn’t demonstrative the way he was with me.  And now that he's gone, I regret that, every day.

As the intimate nature of our conversation swings between past and present and our thoughts separate during moments of silent reflection, I think about something I'd read:  In order for the spirit to thrive, life challenges us to gain strength in these ways:

We’re challenged to embrace people whose thoughts differ from our own.

We’re challenged to embrace change by seeking insight into personal growth (like baby birds, ready to fly free of the nest, it behooves us, no matter our age, to recognize where parental control may still reign subconsciously supreme).

2014

Today’s train of thought suggests that throughout every stage of life, each person is challenged to absorb a balanced view of that which fate places upon each of our plates, suggesting that as the circle of life cycles round, some may receive unexpected gifts of love while others experience irretrievable loss of beloved family and friends until ultimately, each of us must let go of life, itself.  I've come to believe that feeling guilty when love swings my way makes no sense at all.
At that earlier time while swinging next to Mom, I'd found it impossible to enjoy my good fortune whenever thoughts of a loved one in pain came to mind.  At that earlier time, I'd no clue that while others felt compassion, I'd experienced empathy too often for my own good.  And I'd certainly had no clue that the empathy I'd felt had been laced with undeserved guilt.

As time spent in reflection continues to rebalance my view of fate and freedom of choice, I've come to see my way clear to accepting 'gifts' that life offers to me, most especially when that 'gift' offers my spirit sound reason to thrive.  Though I'd not been able to express that insight in words, until recently, here's what tells me that I'd harbored an intuitive awareness of taking good care of my spirit for many years:  One evening, while facilitating a seminar, I'd stood before an audience of senior citizens—who'd responded with a communal gasp when this insight flew out of my mouth:

*At the end of my life, I'm going to figure out what it takes to ensure that my strength of spirit lasts one second longer than my body's last intake of breath. 

Both of my parents were in the audience, beaming up at me, that night.  Upon reflection, I wonder what might have changed for the better had I thought to discuss that insight with my mom, while we'd nestled lovingly, side by side, on my swing.  If I'd said:  'Mom, it's as important to take good care of your spirit as it is to take care of your body then perhaps she and I could have sidestepped that which fate and choice had in store for our relationship after my dad had been gone for two years …

At this point in my life, experience suggests several reasons for consciously seeking insight into shoring up personal strengths at every age and stage—most especially as life winds down:

First up is the strength inherent in forgiveness when the judgments of loved ones are based in anxious mind sets, because anxiety breeds negativity.

Second is the strength to accept this fact:  My key can't unlock anyone's subconscious anxieties or undeserved guilt trips but my own.  As I'd exhausted my mind and spirit while trying to modify the negatively focused mind sets of loved ones—more than once—you'll not see me wander, blindly, into that dark maze, again.

Today, I maintain a semblance of inner peace by forgiving myself for being as human as is true of everyone I love.  And rather than looking back with regret, I keep Michelangelo’s response at the end of his long life in the forefront of my mind:  Ancora Emparo … I'm still learning …

Having learned that something of value may be gleaned from every person’s reaction to me, I defuse frustration, resentment and disappointment by consciously embracing the heartfelt strength of offering unconditional love, which neutralizes my negative judgments by consciously considering human vulnerability, all around.

If you ask how it's possible to consciously transform anger into acceptance, laced with forgiveness, here is what works for me:  Before replying to a judgement call that I consider a misjudgment, I allow my anger to bubble up while taking a time out.  Sometimes I need a very lengthy time out.  As my anger defuses in time out, I free my instinctive, defensive reactions to release in private.  Upon consciously calming my natural reaction down, I make good use of reflection to rebalance my think tank.  Once my whole brain feels calm, I remind myself to offer the other person that which he or she had not offered to me:  the benefit of the doubt.  Then—rather than doubling the tension in the air by flinging my share of insults around—I can ask questions.  If answers to my questions are pulsing with negatively focused assumptions that attack my best character traits, I can respond lucidly with a balanced sense of details, which the other person's negative mindset has forgotten or missed.  Time out works for me in that my own defensive tension must uncoil before my ego's natural impulse toward vindictiveness is replaced by a solution-seeking frame of mind.  Since insight into time out serves my think tank well, consistently, you can see why it’s not just for kids.

The fact that my think tank is well practiced at having developed this plan of action for myself, allows me to take an immediate time out on the spot, suggesting that while others are stamping, yelling, fuming, flinging insults and crossing boundaries, my mind has been trained to remain cool under fire…

When I remain cool, defensive tension based in fear or anger does not coil up and spring forth.  Instead of doubling the amount of negatively charged tension, shooting back and forth like bullets zinging through the air, my love for the other person, who is obviously in as much pain as I am, taps into compassion.  And thus—upon halving the defensiveness that keeps a relationship stuck in a dark maze of mental confusion—I work to move myself one step forward toward facilitating a joyful reconnection sometime down the road.

Shove hot spots of coiled resentment at each other (or under the rug), over long, and watch embers of defensive self-protection burst into flames, again and again.  As always, addressing hot spots—or not—is a matter of timing, frame of mind, and personal choice.

When I feel the need to confront a hot spot of on-going conflict, which others persistently deny, strengths, such as hopefulness, patience, courage, humility, positive focus and compassionate self control offer my mind a peaceful sense of solace until readiness to drop pretense and confront reality clarifies on all sides.  As life's insights are not absorbed in ABC order, each one's ability to confront or deny reality with clarity intact is determined by how quickly a person's self protective attitude ignites.  What makes me say that?  It's a proven fact that anxiety, tension and defensive negativity cause the thought processing center of the brain to shut down.

Bottom line:  Passion has two sides.  Having experienced both sides while growing up, I chose to create and practice methods of self control, laced with love, while instilling positively focused character traits into the minds of my three sons, and over time, I watched a trio of teen aged warriors grow into unique, strong, sensitive men, whose attentiveness proves great fun in the good times as well as buoying spirits, all around, when life’s trials hit long and hard.

2014

Two weeks before Will's radiation began, David flew in.

Tuesday, we had dinner with Steven, Jenna and her husband Steve
(Jenna is our niece.  She and Steve recently moved to town :)

Wednesday, Steven and Will saw The Avengers while I enjoyed GNO

Tonight, Barry and Marie fly in

Roots and wings—wings and roots—balance in all things :)

If you ask why it's so difficult to monitor one's own negative judgment calls, I’d reply:  *Your brain, like mine, is preprogrammed (hard wired) to judge spontaneously, suggesting that we’re often unaware of how many 'snap judgments' take place inside our heads at times when asking questions would serve us better.

As it proves tough to keep up with life's busy pace, today, I wonder if time spent in introspective reflection is becoming a lost art.  If you ask how introspective reflection allows me to communicate more clearly with myself, I'd reply:  Reflective thought offers me insight into my assumptive judgement calls.  Upon identifying a judgement made in haste, I consciously neutralize my reactiveness until questions are asked and details are forthcoming.

Perhaps it’s said that wisdom comes with age, because at later stages of life our minds have time to ponder over intuition, insight, clarity and balance while our hearts bask in a garden where many joyful gifts of love had been painstakingly nurtured.  Today, while spending time with loved ones, my spirit is bouyed by 'something' that feels impossible to explain unless you’re a person, like me, who proves so intrigued by this garden as to attempt to gather a bouquet of words that describe …

'Something', which proves poetic, magical, surprising, delightful and spiritually enlightening, most especially when we are numbered amongst those who are so fortunate as to have received an unexpected gift, so uplifting that to deny its existence offers a great disservice to the heart—and the spirit, as well.

Open the window

Watch the little bird fly free of subconscious restraint

If the bird returns to find

The window shut, locked tight, no key in sight

And if the sunshade blocks out the bright light of insight, suggesting

That that which is achievable remains unattainable—well

Having unwittingly broken my own heart once—

(As you shall see when we review FIRST KISS)

I’ve gained insight into not repeating that sad mistake, again …

And so, when my spirit flags at half mast and
My heart knows what's missing
You'll watch my mind back track until
I come to the fork in the road where
Today's sense of clarity offers me insight into why
My previous choice led me down the beaten path while
Today's choice proves to meet my spirit's personal needs