2014
This post is not coming easy
My mind is struggling to express emotion, which must have
Remained in an unprocessed state since I was eighteen, so
Rather than striving for clarity, it may be best to
Allow stream of consciousness to express itself so naturally
As to free my subconscious to surprise my conscious mind with
Whatever pours out, and having made that decision
My thought processor must have unblocked, because
This memory appeared, clear as day, in my mind:
1962
I'm standing in my aunt Sari's kitchen
Will and I have been dating for a while
Aunt Sari asks:
How is Will different from other boys you've dated?
My reply is spontaneous:
Will is the nicest boy who's ever asked me out
2014
By the time Will and I broke up, several months later
My intuitive impression had not changed
Will was still the nicest boy I'd ever dated
So if intuition remained unchanged then
Why did we come undone?
Hmmm… something tells me that my brain is about to
Reveal insight into what happens when
Intuition capitulates to fear …
Just as freeing my stream of consciousness directed
My brain to shine a light onto my answer to Aunt Sari's question
Let's see if insight into my first impression concerning Will's character
Ignites a string of insights until today's intuitive train of thought
Tunnels toward a deeper truth in need of emergence …
Ready? Set? All aboard!
As intuitive thought is born of feeling
Intuition is not based in logic for this reason:
Logical thought is learned whereas intuitive thought
Is based in feeling, speaking so naturally
From the depths of each person's core as to stimulate
A chemical reaction that proves primal to the interconnectedness of
That individual's spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical well being
Each time your brain sends an intuitive message to
The conscious portion of your mind, your sixth sense
Empowers your subconscious to direct
Your vehicle of transportation (your body) to react naturally
Suggesting that Mother Nature has preprogrammed
Intuitive thought to set 'societal shoulds' aside in favor of
Heeding existential needs, which remain unmet
If intuitive needs, which prove primal
Struggle for brain space with 'Societal shoulds' (learned during childhood)
Then mental confusion gives rise to spikes of anxiety
Each time mental confusion, based in inner conflict
Creates spikes of anxiety, I take a time out to
Calm my mind enough to work through confusion so as to
Consider the bigger picture with such effectiveness
As to assess needs, all around
Sometimes the bigger picture presents a puzzle so
Challenging as to require a lengthy time out until clarity is mine
(Quoting my dear friend, Angie:
Annie, your mind wrestles with conflict until
You stare directly into the eye of the tiger at which time
You brainstorm until you figure out how best to calm the storm
At other times, Angie says: You pull at a
Problem until its main root is unearthed, and clarity is yours
Though my choice to engage in wrestling matches between
Intuitive thought and learned response can
Exhaust my mind, I find that while working to clear a pathway
Through emotional confusion toward mental clarity into deeper truth
The emergence of strings of insight re-energizes my spirit
And resultant of having brainstormed toward clarity
I feel blessed with an ever deepening sense of inner peace
Most especially at those times when I watch
The minds of my loved ones engaging with
Emotional turmoil so illogical as to cause
Blood to boil to unhealthy degrees—repeatedly …
On the other hand, here's the rub:
I can't save my loved ones from stumbling forward on
Their rocky paths, where societal pressures to conform
Create internal combustion, any more than
Anyone could save me until
I chose to tread the path of self discovery ... However
What I can do is this: I can muster the patience necessary
To never give up working toward achieving
A heartfelt goal that proves as positively focused as this:
As each person gains insight into
The interconnectedness conjoining
Both sides of human nature, We can trade in our
Defensive armor for strings of insight into deeper truth, and
As each mind opens to listen and respond from
A place of intuition, our doors will open to welcome
Another person's heartfelt change in mind set whenever
That person's intuitive sense of readiness
Reconnects with yours and mine
And when that blessed time comes to pass then
Heartfelt goals, which we'll work, together, to achieve shall
Provide safe haven for all who gather so close as to
Adopt our vision of peaceful co-existence throughout the world
If intuition, which expresses itself as a surge of natural emotion is
Based in stream of consciousness, which suggests:
'Do this, right now, no confusion, no conflict, no hesitation'
Then you might ask: What makes intuition change its mind?
I mean, if intuition created a chemical reaction that
Made me lightheaded whenever
A certain boy passed near my desk in high school
Then do you have a clue as to which part of my brain would have
Caused my anxiety to rise, compelling me to
Push him away if he'd pulled me close after
I'd consented to spend time alone with him in his car?
In answer to that question:
The part of my brain that would have felt compelled to
Push him away would not have been triggered by
An intuitive reaction but rather by
My mind's experiential connectedness to an
Unidentified fear, repressed subconsciously during childhood ...
In short, I would have felt fearful of failing societal dictate...
I would have feared failing to please those I loved
In fact, reflection suggests that each time
I'd felt compelled to push away a guy whose
Passion had been obvious, I'd had no clue of having
Failed myself , time and again, by anesthetizing
My impassioned reaction behind a defensive wall, which
Denied my conscious mind access to
The deeper truth concerning my experiential fear of sexual interaction
Today, insight into deeper truth suggests that
Intuition does not change its mind
What does change is this:
Subconscious fear, which remains in
An unidentified, repressed state, interferes with clarity, causing
Intuitive thought to grow so shrouded with self doubt
As to discombobulate the complex components of our brains to
Feel so confused as to throw the effective operation of the whole
Into a state of defensive dysfunction
Eventually, as fear based confusion, creates high anxiety
Our defense systems call upon denial to
Bury intuitive truth within the subconscious where
Raw, impassioned emotion is
Held hostage in an unprocessed state until
Readiness to confront insight into emotional repression is ours
As long as raw, impassioned emotion is held hostage, our choices
Feel limited to fighting, fleeing or freezing in place
As clarity suggests that readiness, concerning
Depth in self awareness may come more readily to
One whose quest into self discovery is not new
Conflict resolution, connecting two hearts, remains illusive until
Both brains muster the courage and humility to
Dive so deep into intuitive insight as to
Distill confusion, thus simplifying emotional complexity
When I was young, my unidentified fear of
Failing to please others caused me to
Fail myself, time and again
Why? Ever since Janet's death
I chose my loved ones' needs over mine
It was not until recently that
My think tank learned to develop
Depths of self awareness necessary to
Brainstorm my way through inner conflict so as to
Distill information until insight into an effective plan of action
Considered needs, all around, thus resolving
My fear of failing others while at the same time
Ensuring not to fail myself as had been true at eighteen
Thank goodness, my brain no longer confuses
Intuitive thought with spikes of anxiety, based in
Subconscious fear of failure left in an unprocessed
Repressed and thus unidentified state during childhood
If there's one lesson I've learned with
Thoroughness concerning insight, it is this:
Though an astute insight offers
An answer to a perplexing question
One insight does not necessarily lead to change for the better, all around
Change for the better, all around, results when a string of
Interrelated insights directs my conscious mind to
Reconsider the limited scope of a belief system that
Prohibits me from achieving an intuitive, heartfelt goal
That proves to be within my reach
If Will proved to be boyfriend material because
He was the nicest boy I'd ever dated, suggesting
My feeling safe in his presence then
Why did we break up?
And after breaking up, what caused our
Relationship to resume and grow stronger than before...
Until yet another unexpected experience
Breathed life into change, which proved necessary, again …
No comments:
Post a Comment